How long between separation and moving with new partner?

[Kione]

How Long would you wait after a break up to move with new relationship?
There are two kids involved who already know the new partner as "a friend" and like him.
Wife was the one leaving husband, relationship was not going anywhere but husband didn't want to separate. Wife is the one in the new relationship, so really doesn't want to hurt exhusband even more...
Any thought appreciated!

Mentioning that you're not divorced yet is your DD's way of telling you that she feels uncomfortable with the situation. I'm glad to hear you are going to give it more time before moving him in.

It sounds like your DD may be trying to tell you that it’s too soon without saying it out loud. I’d say personally that I would focus completely on the kids without moving a new man in so soon, especially if you have teenage daughters. They would likely not feel completely relaxed at home, however nice he is. In terms of the divorce that may infect things, and also your share may be affected if your ex is due to pay maintenance since you are no longer on your own - I am no expert but worry getting legal advice about that.

Whilst every situation is different.

Exh moved in with his gf within about 8 months of separation. He was extremely happy, his girlfriends lease was up and it made sense to move in.

It didn't last the next year. He and the kids (he had 50:50 at the time) moved out into another house. Dd (16 at the time) refused ro meet the next girlfriend and she has withdrawn completely from him, 2 years later. Ds isn't happy about the new girlfriend potentially moving in with them and reduced the amount of time he spends there.

At the time he moved in with the first one. They didn't object. But it has impacted his relationship with the kids.

I left my husband. I was 100% single for 9 months during which time I moved house and got divorced. I had 2 casual dates after 9 months and guy#2 stuck. He met my DD as a friend after we had been dating 6 months and was upgraded to my boyfriend after we had been dating 12 months. OH doesn’t stay over when DD is here but he does pop in for dinner and he joined us on a camping holiday last summer (he had his tent, we had ours). DD knows I spend my time when she isn’t here with OH. She really likes him. We’ve been dating 2.5 years now and are discussing a future together. In our case we are choosing not to live together but if I was thinking we would live together now would be the point at which I’d be floating that option. So imo at least 12 months after separation before introducing a new man in any context and at least 3 years before considering Co-habiting.

at 12 your daughter is not stupid she knows he's not just a friend , your kids haven't even had a year to process that mum and dad are no longer together and already you want to move in another man , this will not work out well for you in the long run because your kids whatever they may say to your face are going through enough upheaval as it is without new man thrown in and they will resent you for it, put your children first

Moving in within 6 months is way too soon in ANY relationship, but especially one where kids are involved and you’re not divorced. You don’t have to dump him, but you don’t have to live together either.

I seperated 3 years ago. Had a few boyfriends but Ds and Dd (now 11 &10) had no idea. I have a v serious boyfriend of 9 months now. He met them at 2 months and sees them once or twice a week now for dinner or an activity. We will move in in around 12 months time, all things being equal. I habe no doubt that if i didn't have kids we would be living together but as i only have them 50/50, i spend the remainding time at his mostly which suits me perfectly.

Thank you all. I realize now. I think I was a bit blinded by his lease situation.

Ok, we just spoke and he is fine waiting, understands perfectly ☺️
So from now till May we will find something nice for at least 6 months for him.

Others have covered this already. It is far too soon and not fair on your kids.

Yes, cohabiting (or planning to) can impact your divorce, especially regards the financial settlement. Are there assets that need to be divvied up? Are you financially completely independent or is the STBXH supporting you financially in anyway? What is the financial situation of your new partner?

Finances to one side, personally I would take the time to be alone and figure out your ‘family’ of you and the kids minus their dad and this new man. It takes time to get used to it, but once you’re there, it’s the absolute best. I wouldn’t want a guy living with us or being with us most the time, my kids and I wouldn’t be anywhere near as close as we are.

@sassbott

Others have covered this already. It is far too soon and not fair on your kids.

Yes, cohabiting (or planning to) can impact your divorce, especially regards the financial settlement. Are there assets that need to be divvied up? Are you financially completely independent or is the STBXH supporting you financially in anyway? What is the financial situation of your new partner?

Finances to one side, personally I would take the time to be alone and figure out your ‘family’ of you and the kids minus their dad and this new man. It takes time to get used to it, but once you’re there, it’s the absolute best. I wouldn’t want a guy living with us or being with us most the time, my kids and I wouldn’t be anywhere near as close as we are.

Thanks. Other posts gave me the clarity and I spoke with new partner. We are not moving together in May, I am going to focus in kids setting in and me enjoying my new house. He totally understands this and I am grateful to all the posters that commented.

Can I ask OP, how would you have felt if a friend had said this to you? Especially one that is married and hasn't gone through a separation?

I'm trying to decide if I say anything more than 'gosh that's fast' to my friend. I try to stay out of other people's relationships but perhaps I should say something this time.

I think thinking about my daughters comfort is what made me ask, and take advice here. Maybe you can ask your friend how would her children feel?
But I am a person that doesn't have a problem taking advice, she might, that is down to personality; but making her put her perspective on the DC might help her.

@Kione

Well, I am not going to be 2 years on my own. It was my plan, and find my feet, but this happened and I am really happy, I don't plan on finish this relationship to be the advised two years alone.

I don't feel I am rushing into anything because of his lease. He spends a lot of time here although he hasn't stayed the night when the kids are here.

Why did you ask?

You've already introduced your children to a new relationship so that' ship's sailed.

Best you just carry on.

I think it can be particularly difficult for young teenagers to feel comfortable living with an adult who isn’t their parent. That’s when so many changes happen to kids and they can be difficult for a while.

My ds kicked off when ex tried to introduce a new partner. Kids should always come first imo.
What happens in a couple of years when they see another relationship breakdown?
These are their formative years

@Livandme

My ds kicked off when ex tried to introduce a new partner. Kids should always come first imo. What happens in a couple of years when they see another relationship breakdown? These are their formative years

They might not see another relationship breakdown but actually witness what a loving and fun relationship is and should be like??

Nanny I think you need to read the whole thread