How did you realise your relationship was abusive?

[2becomes1]

Hi all,

Husband left me 6 months ago after being together 19 years. I was shocked to the core as I genuinely believed we had a happy relationship.

Upon reflection, I now feel that life was all about him and what he wanted. I was living in cloud cuckoo land and went along with everything. I believe there’s been instances of gas lighting and emotional manipulation throughout the relationship - but then when I think this I feel bad for thinking that about someone who I loved. Why didn’t I notice this before? Or am I cracking up?

Anyone else only noticed the red flags AFTER a relationship has ended?

Yes. The red flags were obvious in hindsight but I didn't see them.
They could have slapped me in the face and I would have dismissed them as 'he'd never do that'

I think that counselling has helped me see clearly. We are not yet separated but I feel like the fog is clearing. I do believe that the more subtle manipulating tactics can be very hard to spot, and when you throw the baby years into the mix it’s no wonder you can’t think clearly.

Mumsnet

I don’t think people are always aware of the impact of their behaviour and their role in the dynamic of their relationships.

Only in the last year have I become aware that I have had poor boundaries in my marriage and I’ve never really asserted myself or my needs. I never really knew what my ‘needs’ were. I’m now developing my personal boundaries and putting them into place is being met by resistance by my Dh, who has been used to having things his way for a long time.

He same here. The abuse was expected away and although I did question some of it I didn’t know what abuse was as I grew up with it all around me. So glad to be free

I knew the way he was treating me wasn't right so I googled it and mumsnet came up with all the answers I needed.

Mumsnet helped me realise that he wasn't just "like that". He was a controlling bully who ground me down and used to gas light like hell.

He still tries to control me and I have moments of feeling like every little thing is my fault but 10 months on the fog is slowly lifting and I can recognise more and more abusive behaviours from our relationship

I think the thing that really highlighted it to me was when I'd talk to friends about what I thought were amusing anecdotes, and the look of horror on their faces made me think about it and realise that actually, no, that wasn't a funny little foible was it, that was abusive.

And yes, looking back and realising that I'd prioritised his needs above mine and the kids for so long, and that the moment I said that the kids needed to come first for a few years, was when the beginning of the end started.

I read a book called The Gaslight Effect:You're not crazy, they're gaslighting you by Dr Theresa J Covert. It's currently 77p on Amazon Kindle. I was stunned, horrified and relieved all at once.

@Philly1234 my boundaries (or lack of!) seem to have been a major part in this too

I don't think this is unusual in situations where the abuser is the one to leave. Often it's waking up to the abuse that makes someone decide to leave so they do notice it before, but certainly not early on.

And even when they do start to see it, and perhaps take steps accordingly, I've seen enough on here and in real life to know that there are months or even years of doing something/saying something/seeing something/remembering something where there's a "Oh, hang on....?" moment. SIL knows BIL is abusive. She's been in the process of trying to separate. But every time I see her she's realised something new.

Mumsnet.

Very recently.

After I dumped someone because I was just not happy only for him to turn verbally abusive and accuse me of things that were so nonsensical and outrageous that I then reflected on the past and realised there were a lot of red flags that I just did not see and that I put up for too long with poor behaviour all along.

But also this brought a wider and frankly awful awareness that I have been dating men who are just like my father: selfish, immature, emotionally unavailable, verbally and physically abusive but who could also be charming, funny and also kept passing themselves as the victim. Not to mention they all had the ability, just like him, to make me doubt my own sanity, feel guilty and feel like I should please them/was letting them down.

I think I have been so desperate for some love and affection and lacking in self-esteem that I put up with all of this for years.

A horrific realisation to be honest but at least the fog has now lifted.

And recognising your part in the relationship dynamics will be a turning point for you. In no way am I suggesting that you are to blame but more that you can now be empowered to change things. Only you can do that.

I’ve been doing quite a bit of work on myself. I’ve found ‘the holistic psychologist’ on Instagram to be invaluable. I’ve been listening to her podcasts ‘the self healers soundboard’. It’s brilliant and it’s really helped to empower me.

I was in relationship counselling and the lady told me my husband was a bully. I then read up on things on the internet and realised he'd been emotionally coercive for our entire relationship. He was very subtle and only did it when he needed too - which wasn't very often because I'm naturally a people pleaser. The penny started to drop and suddenly I was seeing red flags and gas lighting and his need to control everywhere. I don't know why I didn't see it before.

We've now been divorced for getting on for 4 years and it's been a gradual process to come to terms with. Even now I question weather he knew what he was doing - or was it just his "personality" I'll never really totally understand it I guess.

I wonder whether young ladies in their 20s and 30s are generally more self aware and less likely to put up with abusive behaviour. I really think I copied my parents relationship and didn’t know that I was an equal partner in mine. I constantly deferred to my dh and he got his way in everything. It was quite bullying and he had no reason to think he had to give any ground. Having kids just made me less likely to bite back. I like to think the younger generation aren’t as submissive and don’t put up with that shit. My daughters don’t seem to be as dim as me. Is that wishful thinking?

I realised 8 years after I left. It was incredibly painful as I had to go through all these processes but without any of the usual means of closure. Id already left physically but still felt (and sometimes feel even now) trapped emotionally. I dreamt I was stuck in his house last night and kept trying to hide from him.

I'd known it wasn't a good relationship but never considered it abusive. There always seemed to be a reason it was my fault or that I was too sensitive. I knew it was wrong but as he never punched me in the face and we were both very young I didn't know it was abuse. He felt ashamed over the tiniest things and would attack me, I felt ashamed and I attacked myself so it didn't seem odd when we were both keeping me down until I met my new partner and realised that relationships should be healing and make you stronger.

When I got pregnant and his whole personality changed. I still married him though as I thought he would change. Mumsnet made me realise how bad it was though and that he wouldn't change. He left me last year for another woman. Did me a favour really though.

@Ohfortheloveofgodwhatnow

I wonder whether young ladies in their 20s and 30s are generally more self aware and less likely to put up with abusive behaviour. I really think I copied my parents relationship and didn’t know that I was an equal partner in mine. I constantly deferred to my dh and he got his way in everything. It was quite bullying and he had no reason to think he had to give any ground. Having kids just made me less likely to bite back. I like to think the younger generation aren’t as submissive and don’t put up with that shit. My daughters don’t seem to be as dim as me. Is that wishful thinking?

You might be onto something as a general trend but in my experience (as a 30 year old woman), I know an awful lot of other 30-something old women trapped in or now out of unhealthy relationships..

He began by letting me know he was friends with his ex. What he should have been telling me was that they hadn't figured any of the emotional shit yet. But instead he used me to complain about her. To tell me how glad he was they were mates. To tell me how she was and what she liked. He would even suggest things she wore or hair styles she had. Or nail colours for me. Which made me feel like he wanted me to be a certain way and it wasn't how I was. He'd never say it was his exes taste. But I'd seen enough photos of her to know exactly why he was saying the things he was.

He had mood swings that would sometimes end with weeks of not talking. But he grew out of that. He started punishing me for a day or so as he soon needed me for something. Hed say stuff to reassure me and make it right. Then we'd go through q better patch.

He'd play thick about his phone. Made out women would message him and he'd be all innocent. He had his brothers exes etc all chatting to him and inappropriate things were ofcourse said on their behalf. Never him. He never wanted it or encouraged it.

He would tell me how beautiful I was and then he'd watch me getting ready etc and tell me what colours I'd suit. Or ask me why I don't curl my hair etc. I remember him saying I'd suit bold colours. I often wore pastel jumpers and it felt like he often thought I'd look much better in the opposite to what I had.

He would tell me how unconfident I was. How I lacked experience. How he was going to take me to eat here and try this. He would say he wanted me to be confident whilst putting me down for not living. I often felt this was a comparison to his ex who didn't have children Like I did. I often felt he didn't realise as a mother I had choosen to focus on a family not a luxurious lifestyle.

He went through a stage after a man from school messaged me once where he yelled at me a couple of days later. The row was about me mentioning his ex feeling like the 3rd person in our relationship. He spent the next week talking about attractive women and trying to make me jealous. Told me I was always on my phone and told me I was terrible for always being on Facebook. He said I wasn't as bad as his Ex. I then decided to show him the time I actually spent on Facebook and it ranged from 32 Minuites to 55 a day. He was always on Facebook himself so I also found this abit controlling.

He'd often say when I was sat at his I looked in protective mode. I looked awkward. I looked jumpy and defensive. He'd be asking me if I was bored and OK. Constantly questioning if I wasn't smiling he'd be checking I'm OK. I remember one morning going upstairs to get my jumper. I didn't live with him. He said oh no put one of my jumpers on. I came down wearing my own and he took it that I was being hostile wearing my own clothes. He'd often let me wear a jumper of his to walk home. It was like he felt comfortable if I had his things andi had stuff around his.

He started to tell me I couldn't communicate with him about doubts or worries within the relationship on the phone. He made me out to create problems and overthink. He would say things like I feel you just create stuff. Then he'd ask to get off the phone.

Borrowing money was also common. He gave it back in dribs and drabs. But I never felt like I got enough.

He was earning great money when we first met and off sick the last few months of the relationship. He didn't get me anything at all for Christmas as he was skint. It felt insulting after all the cash I'd given him.

The ex girlfriend was a pernament fixture and I never felt sure of confident he was over her.

In the end I was low. Sad. Confused. Anxious. Skint. Lost. On Egg shells.

The worst thing was I always tried to laugh it off and play it down and make him sound alot better than he was.

I found out he had a fling when he was with his ex and started messaging other women when they were still together. I think he never wanted to loose her and he abused me emotionally because he was frustrated I wasn't her.

That'd my guess.

MY 20 odd year old son overheard his dad ( my H) really having a go at me (not a one off) whilst he was on phone to me and sent us both a text straight after saying that the way his dad spoke to me really f*** sucked and he needed to think on it— and my H responded back in a very defensive and unpleasant ‘mind your own business’ kind of way. It was a bit of a ‘gulp ‘ moment— haven’t left but may do so at some point that suits me .

I’ve been married for over 10 years and I realised in the last few months there’s Emotional Abuse in my marriage. It wasn’t all bad (it never is!) but I had someone say “his behaviour there is controlling and could even be viewed as abusive”. I denied it. I did The Freedom Programme, saw some traits but still denied it. Time passed, things got worse. Then I talked to a friend who works in family services and she said he was controlling. So I read Why does he do that? By Lundy Bancroft. That was uncomfortable reading.
Mine wasn’t a sudden revelation. It was gentle prods from people who cared about me until the scales fell off and I spent a week thinking “Shit! I’m in an abusive relationship”. Then a few months later I found myself thinking I deserved better and instigated the split. Not easy but the right decision.

I started to understand it after I stopped drinking alcohol.

I never drank much – usually a glass or two a night – just enough to numb my feelings through the hours after he came home from work and I had to interact with him, until I went to bed. (I didn't recognise this was what I was doing at the time, I just felt strong desire to have a drink to 'relax' or 'unwind' at the end of the day.)

When I stopped drinking, I started journalling in the mornings. Through that I began to write down and really reflect in a clear, concrete way on what was actually going on in my relationship, rather than just having thoughts and feelings swirling around in my mind.

I knew we had a lot of problems, but I was confused about who was causing them as 'D'P always blamed me, exaggerated my failings, invalidated and minimised my concerns and denied his own faults.

Through Googling the things he used to say to me, or details of his behaviours, I gradually became able to recognise that there were many characteristics of emotional abuse and narcissism.

Later, I discovered concrete evidence that he had been lying extensively to me about a particular thing for years. This was actually the discovery that allowed me to completely reframe him and his credibility in my own mind. Prior to that I was still operating on beliefs like "He says loves me and he wants our relationship to work, so I must give him the benefit of the doubt and give his perspective equal weight with mine".

When I grasped the lengths he had gone to to deceive and hide things from me, while insisting that he "didn't realise what he was doing", "was just driven by compulsion" and "didn't intend to hurt me", I was able to see that he has very little self-awareness or other-awareness at all, so I should regard more or less everything he says as being based in self-serving fantasy or narcissistic self-delusion instead of reality or truth.

Wow, so many of us!
I genuinely don’t know if my ex is aware he is abusive - I genuinely don’t think it is intentional and I feel sad for him, we have only ever had a relationship with each other and I think our personalities have allowed this.
I am confused and feel guilty for labelling a man I loved as an abuser. What if I am wrong? I feel like I’m losing it.

Someone posted me the list of different sorts of abuse off the women’s aid website.