How did you realise your relationship was abusive?

[2becomes1]

Hi all,

Husband left me 6 months ago after being together 19 years. I was shocked to the core as I genuinely believed we had a happy relationship.

Upon reflection, I now feel that life was all about him and what he wanted. I was living in cloud cuckoo land and went along with everything. I believe there’s been instances of gas lighting and emotional manipulation throughout the relationship - but then when I think this I feel bad for thinking that about someone who I loved. Why didn’t I notice this before? Or am I cracking up?

Anyone else only noticed the red flags AFTER a relationship has ended?

that's what it does to you @2becomes1 - it is confusing and guilt-making and it messes with your head and heart like nothing else.

Read Lundy Bancroft Why Does He Do That - it's available as a free download online here freebooksmania.com/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that-pdf-free-download-by-lundy-bancroft.html.

Like you I felt really bad thinking my "D"H was an abuser - as identified by many women on here after I described some of his behaviour. Then I read that download and he's just there, in the pages...not all of them, he's clearly not as bad as some men, but he's bad enough...

When my midwife told me it was.

H had fucked off and abandoned me whilst pregnant, after isolating me from everyone.

I sat crying and telling her how the last few years of my life had been; she told me it was multiple types of abuse.

I genuinely had no idea.

Then I felt like a twat because, you know, I’m an intelligent women and why didn’t I realise?

I know exactly what you mean @2becomes1.

The thing is though - weather he knows he's doing it or not is irrelevant. His behaviour is something you can no longer tolerate (and why should you) and also the behaviour is highly unlikely (some would say impossible) to change.

You are not losing it.

If it helps - you don't' need to label your ex husband as anything - just know you are now in a position to start a new happy life.

I think some men (and women!) just know instinctively how to control partners and get them to dance to their tune.
They don’t learn it from anywhere in particular (although some may have watched their own parents) - they just know what works.
And there’s a lot of women like me who are people pleasers and can’t believe ’the man who loves them’ would actually abuse them. So we turn it back on ourselves.