Relationships

[Larambla]

So, I've been with this guy for a while. Not together, but we might as well be. I'm confused. Very confused. Sometimes he is so nice and full of affection and wisdom, but if I do something that annoys him (even if that's simply defending myself), he goes all weird and gives me the silent treatment. Whenever I try to confront him he uses his mental health as a defense, even though I also suffer with depression. Still I am confused as to whether it really is me - I don't know if he really does find me unpleasant. But I walk over eggshells, I can never get anything right. Is this bad? Another thing is that if I try to talk to him about it all, he puts it off as 'you're acting like my girlfriend', after he has just smothered me in love a day before. So confused.

Ditch him - this will only lead to a nightmare long term.
Normal loving relationships don't work like this.

He's a head-fucker OP, run before you get in any deeper

He is trying to control you. Any form of relationship shouldn't be like this.

You need to cut ties.

It's crazy hearing this... I haven't spoken to anyone & don't have other friends, I'm starting to feel like it's all too much. I just know I'm gonna feel so guilty... He doesn't have much and suffers bad with his health. Feel like he uses how much I care though. Not cool...

The fact that you will feel guilty is exactly how you know he's a head-fucker! Honestly OP you'll save yourself so much emotional turmoil if you walk away now, this man will only ever be a waste of your time and energy if you're looking for any kind of decent, functional relationship.

If a man's single, there's a reason. It may be for a good reason. It may be for a bad reason. It's up to you to decide which. This man's on his own because he's a liability that no one else wants to take on. This man's a user, a manipulator, a controller. Does he make you feel good? No. Throw him back.

He's a fuck wit. Leave him alone to his angst and find a grown up to have a relationship with.

Raise your bar OP, you can do better

If you're walking on eggshells, you need to walk out.

You don't live with him so he's easier to get rid of.

I appreciate the responses guys, you've helped me feel not-so-alone... I do live with him at the moment, I'm disappointed at myself for letting it get to this point. Wjen we met I was 17 and he was 24...at the time I was infatuated and thought he was so smart. But now he makes me feel so dumb, so lonely.

My soon to be Ex husband was like this. Leave whilst you can. It will only get worse!

No. This is not right if he’s making you feel dumb. He’s doing the blowing hot and cold thing so you don’t know up from down. He knows what he’s at. Some people just instinctively know how to play people. Hes breaking you down until you’re reliant on him. There’s better men out there.

Can we help you work out how to disentangle yourself OP? Is it a joint place or did he move in with you/you with him?

Are you roommates? FWB? Separate bedrooms? I'm not quite following - you are not his girlfriend, but you consider him your boyfriend?

Sounds wildly head-fuckery. Get away from him. Cut him out of your life completely. He's nobody to you.

Why live together if you're not in a relationship, was it his idea, abusers pressure to move in quick so they can control you. Can you tell him you want to move out.

A head fucker absolutely. He is manipulating you. It's common for narcissists to claim mental health issues whenever you call them out on their bs. Especially if you suffer from mental health issues yourself as they enjoy 'one upping'.

'You had a bad day? Oh, let me tell you why mines was ten times worse and so you have no right to complain about yours' ect... they invalidate your feelings and make you feel like you should only focus on theirs.

He is abusive op. You really need to get away, fast. What is the housing situation? Owned? His?

but if I do something that annoys him (even if that's simply defending myself), he goes all weird and gives me the silent treatment.
Ditch him & run.
You won't change him. It suits him to give you the silent treatment, he is training you to never object, to never hold an opinion he doesn't approve of, & to become his creature.

Whenever I try to confront him he uses his mental health as a defense
Ditch him & run.
He is telling you that he should have no accountability.

I don't know if he really does find me unpleasant.
Ditch him & run.
Why on earth do you want to spend time with someone you have to worry is finding you unpleasant?

But I walk over eggshells, I can never get anything right.
Ditch him & run.
This will escalate.
You will second-guess yourself, start editing words before they are allowed to leave your mouth, your confidence will plummet, & you will be a nervous wreck.
You will become someone who lives only to anticipate him moods & placate him.

Is this bad?
Yup.
Ditch him & run.

Another thing is that if I try to talk to him about it all, he puts it off as 'you're acting like my girlfriend', after he has just smothered me in love a day before.
Ditch him & run.
You are not a person to him. You are an almost-girlfriend-shaped object who he likes to undermine & control by expressing fake emotions one day & shutting you down the next.
He is allowed to express himself however he wishes. You, however, must be kept on tenterhooks & continually 'tested' - because you only exist to facilitate the almost-girlfriend-shaped hole in his life.
As an object, you are not allowed independent thoughts, emotions or opinions. You are merely a reflection of him, & his wants.

So confused.
When a man wants you, he lets you know.
When a man likes you, you feel warmth & security.
When a man loves you, you feel loved.
When a man is fucking with your head, you feel confused.

Ditch him, & run.

I spend 4 years with someone who was hot and cold said he wanted the same as me then would push me away told me he didn't want a relationship but would still treat me like a girlfriend date nights, film nights, come round for dinner. He didn't like the word "relationship". I don't know why I put up with it for so long. If he doesn't want you as as girlfriend get out now because it's a complete headfuck! Block and go no contact, it's for the best in the long run.

@IcicleIcicle

He's a head-fucker OP, run before you get in any deeper

The above is the short answer.

Or the comprehensive version that @ChargingBuck has kindly provided you with.

Both are telling you he is a loser, who will bring nothing but grief to your life.

You guys have been amazing... It seems so obvious now, but before sharing it with anyone I was so lost. Honestly, you guys really are brilliant.. Thank you so much, thank you

We are travelling together for work therefore sharing accommodation, I agreed a while ago but now I feel trapped. Saying it out loud seems crazy! I appreciate your gusy advice a lot...

Such good advice. Finish it now, before you are trapped financially or too weakened by his manipulations.

As in you both work work the same place? If so have a word with your work and see if they can find somewhere else for you.

You are never obligated to stay with or near an abuser op. You absolutely have the right to change your mind for any reason, without having to justify your choice to them. Don't try and explain why you want out, he knows why. He will only play dumb and try to make you feel like your decision is wrong. Just take the appropriate steps to get away from him and go.

If it's not fun and it doesn't make you happy, end it. Life is too short.

It will hurt for a while, but then it will get easier. And then much, much better.
Short term pain for long term gain.

Tell your employer you are not going to share accommodation with this head-fuckery wankster. The employer should see this is a potential HR nightmare for them.