female partner has never had an orgasm (I'm female too)

[DeliKat]

I've NCed for this. I'm a long time poster, and I'm not looking for sex advice. This is firmly on the relationships and feelings side of things :)

To give context, I'm (amicably) divorced after 20 years, kids away at Uni. Happy, healthy, very good place with respect to work, finances, interests, etc. I was not looking for another relationship, happy alone. However, over the past months, a friendship with a female friend has developed into something more.

I'd known the friend, who works in the same industry, for several years. She is single, 10 years younger than me, no kids, successful, and recently out of a long term relationship. I'd never considered myself bi, had been dating with ex-DH since teens.

We get on well together, every thing is so so easy. We both have our own lives, but can meet together for coffee most days (work in same area), hang out together, dinner at weekends. We've stayed over at each others places, even as friends we'd done this. In short, it is really great :)

The sex was very new for me, as I'd only been with ex-DH and two others. I enjoyed it, and she does seem to as well. A while back she told me she has never orgasmed. I didn't always with ex-DH, but I did most of the time.

I don't know why, but suddenly this information has made me feel under some sort of pressure. I'm confused about why I feel like this.

I'll need to talk with her about it, but any comments or insight from MN might help me think this through. Thank you!

Firstly, it sounds like you have a nice new relationship. So congrats! A few thoughs:

1. You really need to have a more detailed discussion with her. It seems like this is new to both of you? So it might take some time to get to know each other's preferences and likes?

1. I know you are not looking for sex advice, but you probably need her to tell you what works for her, and follow her guide

Congratulations on your blossoming relationship!

Orgasm normally comes about first through self-exploration. Did she miss out on this phase as a teen/ young woman - strict parents or religious upbringing maybe.

I'd recommend a book called So Tell Me About the Last Time You Had Sex by Ian Kerner, which I found very informative about sex. He has also written one called She Comes First about female pleasure in particular.

Take orgasms off the agenda is good advice too. Focus on mindfully enjoying each other.

Has she managed to make herself orgasm ?

I'd recommend reading some lesbian literature and erotica, not the mainstream stuff as it misrepresents womens desire and orgasms. It is a learning curve when you've been straight, some real differences.
Patience in the meantime is useful but I'm sure you'll get there

@dotdotdotdash, thanks, but I'm not reading too much into things right now. I was comfortable enough being along, and not looking for a relationship, so it is a bit unexpected. I'm happy to let things go along as it, but I do need to look forward a bit too further down the line.

@GoodnightGrandma She said, never ever, no alone, not with a partner. I'd have assumed that everyone knows what to do themselves IYSWIM? It doesn't always happen of course, but that's very different to never.

@rumred Obviously I know what works for me, and she knows what works for me too :)

I just can't imagine having sex, and never having one. It just feels like I'm taking, and never giving.

Around 10% of women have never had an orgasm. It's not unusual.

Wow! Even though I've only known a small number of people well enough to have such a discussion, I've never known someone to say they've never had an orgasm.

OP a few comments, and suggestions if you ask her more

• is it there some underlying medical issue?
• or perhaps ADs?
• perhaps some abuse and associated issues

Side note: I've never been with a man that never had an orgasm :) Can't imagine being with a partner that never has/had. It must be very strange.

I implore you not to make an issue of this, and not to make it about you (which you are at risk of doing).

Has she told you that she wants to change things? If so, then it's fine to ask what you can do to help. But please please please don't make it your mission. It's up to her if she wants to try to change this, and for her to dictate how.

This isn't a performance you're marked on. And if you put her under pressure you'll make it even less likely, and will make her feel defective and as though you're trying to mend her.

@layladomino, thanks for the advice. I'm happy with things as they are for now. If the relationship develops, that is OK, if not then that feels OK for too. As mentioned earlier, I was happy being on my own. I think she feels the same way. I fell we're on the same page for now.

However, if this was a relationship with a man, I'm fairly certain I'd not let it develop any further. I would not be trying to "fix" anything. To me it would seem that one important part of sexual relationship was missing (for me).

Of course, that's different for different people. If the stat by @Outfoxedbyrabbits is true then there are lots of women out there in good relationships that never had an orgasm. It's just a new experience for me, and I've never know such a person in real life, until now!

It just feels like I'm taking, and never giving

This is an ego driven comment. I'm not surprised you feel like this, because I've been where you are and I felt the same, but be very careful not to make it about you, because then there's pressure on her to not make you feel bad, which would make a situation in which you could be understanding and loving into a relationship issue.

Talk to her about how she feels. Keep at the forefront of your mind that a) she wants to be being intimate with you and b) the lack of orgasm has nothing whatsoever to do with you (which is clear as it's historical and it's the same for her when she's alone)

Orgasms aren't everything. They might be important to you, but this isn't about you, or the way you would feel in her position. This is about her, and clearly she wants to have sex with you even when she feels she's not going to orgasm, so focus on that.

I've ended up seeing it as a relationship issue rather than an individual one. It's something we both want, and something we both hope for, every time, but it doesn't always happen, and we both enjoy ourselves nonetheless.

OP, I'd agree with the other advice about focusing on the relationship for now, and enjoy what you have for now.

You should discuss with her about ADs. There could be an issue. I know a close friend that has such an issue (it basically made it more difficult). However, I'd have assumed we all know what to do it ourselves, of course all that knowledge/expertise can be directly transferred to a partner sadly, but that is good good and bad!

I'm fairly sure if I started a relationship (with a man, my only experiences!) and he never came then I'd think it strange and would not be comfortable in such a relationship. That's just me though.

Lifelong or primary anorgasmia is very rare. I include a link below that might be interesting to read. I'd emphasize that this is really an issue for your friend, not for you directly!!

If she is interested, she could contact her female GP. Anorgasmia is not that unusual, it comes up more than you'd think with us, and said GP will be able to get a referral/advice for specialist.

It's one of those things that was not discussed years ago, but today is fairly routine.

www.glowm.com/section-view/heading/Treatment%20of%20Orgasmic%20Dysfunction%20in%20Women/item/431#.YeaIJP7P2Uk

OP, suggest you take it gently and slowly. We have that extra understanding that no man has “how a woman works”.

Has she been with other women before you? Maybe you both have L plates on in more ways than one.

I hope things proceed in the right direction.

I've been trying to say this in a non-dodgy way, so apologies if I fail!

There have been many times when I haven't finished, but have really loved having sex and seeing DH finish instead.

It's not necessarily just "taking" from someone when you orgasm and they don't - maybe she gets a lot of pleasure from it anyway.

@FreeAsAByrd

Wow! Even though I've only known a small number of people well enough to have such a discussion, I've never known someone to say they've never had an orgasm.

OP a few comments, and suggestions if you ask her more

• is it there some underlying medical issue?
• or perhaps ADs?
• perhaps some abuse and associated issues

Side note: I've never been with a man that never had an orgasm :) Can't imagine being with a partner that never has/had. It must be very strange.

What does ADs stand for?

Anti depressants?

www.health.harvard.edu/womens-health/when-an-ssri-medication-impacts-your-sex-life#:~:text=But%20there%20are%20some%20side,have%20an%20orgasm%20at%20all.

[quote 20Past3]Anti depressants?

www.health.harvard.edu/womens-health/when-an-ssri-medication-impacts-your-sex-life#:~:text=But%20there%20are%20some%20side,have%20an%20orgasm%20at%20all.[/quote]
Thank you x

I can't have an orgasm and never have whether I'm alone or with a partner. I know when it's about to happen and I completely freeze and stop it from happening. I've had psychosexual counselling but it hasn't helped and I have no idea why I have put this block on myself. I'm afraid to let go but have no idea why. It's frustrating to say the least and actually distressing as I feel like I'm missing out on something wonderful and that I'm not a real woman because I can't do it. I know people say you can have a fulfilling sex life without it but that just sounds so hollow. I really want to experience it but my brain won't let me

@Imstuck, sorry to say … but imho you are indeed missing out. It know that doesn’t help, but that’s my honest opinion.

Do your partners know? Does it matter to them? Just curious, no problem if you don’t want to reply.

[quote DriverEightt]@Imstuck, sorry to say … but imho you are indeed missing out. It know that doesn’t help, but that’s my honest opinion.

Do your partners know? Does it matter to them? Just curious, no problem if you don’t want to reply.[/quote]
Strange as it may seem my ex husband and I never discussed it. I think he just thought it was 'how I was!' I guess he's right! I'm kind of seeing someone now but it's at the early stages and I'm really anxious about being 'found out.' I'm going to hypnotherapy soon to see if it helps but I can't help feeling a bit hopeless after all these years

Thanks for the reply @Imstuck

I asked because I'd never known someone with that problem in real life. I guess it is a topic not discussed in the real world, at least with my circle of close friends over the years.

Best wishes with relationship your new partner. Also good luck with the research/exploration/investigation. I'm sure you'll find it interesting.

@DriverEightt
You might actually know someone but they may just not have told you. I've never told my close friends or my sister because I'm ashamed and embarrassed. And I've been on different forums where women have described feeling exactly the same as me...'I feel it coming and I just have to stop it.' So I think it's far more widespread a problem than you and many of the other posters on here might realise. Thanks for your good wishes!

Don't make this about you because it's not. If she's happy like this and enjoys sex then that's good enough for her. It would be different if she really wanted it to happen or felt she was missing out . If you think you can't (fully and truly) accept that then it's best to end it now, as it's just going to grow into this massive thing.

There is a massive age range for when women have their first orgasm - there was a fascinating thread on this a while ago. I was late 20s (and no I didn't tell my friends). If she is enjoying herself, and you are too, then that is maybe enough for now?

However, if this was a relationship with a man, I'm fairly certain I'd not let it develop any further. I would not be trying to "fix" anything. To me it would seem that one important part of sexual relationship was missing (for me)

That is a very interesting comment. As other posters have said, you are at real risk of making this about you, and it's simply not. You need to be very careful there. If you make this about you then she is going to feel an awful lot of pressure, which is not going to help the situation at all. Her orgasm is about HER pleasure, not yours.

Your focus should be on whether this is an issue for her, whether she wants to explore anything with you to try different things, or whether she is happy as things are.

If she is happy as things are then your options are to find a way to be at peace with that, or to leave the relationship.

The worst thing you can do is start whining about the effect that her lack of orgasm is having on you - that would be extremely selfish.