Cheating husband, should he go?

[chuffinalong]

Hi, I found out a couple of months ago that my husband who has been with me since I was 17 had been cheating on me for a minimum of 7 months. She is much older than me and I know you can't go on looks really, but no one knows what he sees in her. Anyway, I never even knew there was a problem with our relationship. We've always been so happy! He does have bipola, undiagnosed as he won't seak help. So he is very up and down. I've been used to this from a young age, and have always helped him though his down times. We have a daughter with learning disabilities and autism who is practically reclusive due to social anxiety. She won't go out without both me and her dad. This would make it very awkward for them to spend time together.
Anyway, for these reasons I've told him to decide between the two of us. He can't seem to though. He says he can't imagine life without her or me. I asked him who he'd find it harder to get over and he said me. I said that should answer your question then. He said, it should but it doesn't.. He says he loves/ adores me and always will. He's ashamed of what he's done and can't face people or life. He's very depressed and rarely leaves his bed when home. I'm helping him though it as I always have but I just feel so sad and anxious all the time not knowing. It has also sparked off my eating disorder and I was recently hospitalised for a few days. He was phoning her while I was in hospital, apparently because he was so worried about me.. Then he phoned her again recently to wish her a happy birthday. He lied about it but I saw it on his phone. I think nearly everyone would say to throw him out but it's so hard as I've loved hom for 23 years! 😢 I want him to make the decision so that I don't look back and regret it. I want him to regret it if he leaves.. I would really like some advice from anyone who's been in a similar situation. Did it work out for you? Thank you.

Oh OP, you’ve got to leave. I find it incredible that you’re there just awaiting his decision. It’s madness. And as for your daughter, all kids, including (often moreso) those with ASD are so attune to the feelings of others that she’ll be far better off once she has a mum who knows her own value and isn’t constantly stepping on eggshells.

This sounds like torture for you, i'm so sorry OP.

I think you should concentrate on your daughter... this man and his mental health is not your project to solve. You aren't his parent.

I wouldn't ask him to choose between you, that is giving him all the power, and you deserve so much better than that.

I hope you have some help for your eating disorder

Thank you 😊That's true, it does feel like stepping on eggshells. I tend to soak up the energy of people too so I find it hard being around him when he's like this.

Thank you both 😊 I think I replied to the wrong person 😆 I haven't been on here in about 12 years and it's all changed.

This sounds horrific. Even if he picks you, you will spend your future together wondering if he will do it to you again. A lifetime of that will make you more unwell.
I can imagine it must be so hard for you to face, but this man has no respect for you. You have helped him through bipolar episodes and he has repaid you by cheating on you. You and your child could have a much better future without him in your life.

You must be exhausted. I know what it’s like being someone who’s mutable to other moods and clearly, since you’re bending over backwards to put your own needs last, you’re a really empathetic person but OP, trust me, if you walk away from the drama you’ll feel so much better in a year’s time. I know you’re right in the trenches now but with hindsight, you’ll see it all so much more clearly. And your daughter will thank you for it.

It really is horrible. 😞 I know I would find it incredibly hard to trust him and I'd always have that anxiety. I hope there would be better things ahead but it's the fear of the unknown.

He says he can't choose between.you his partner of many years and some woman he barely knows. He would be straight out of the door if he was my DH. Concentrate on your dd and leave DH to OW and when he no longer has you helping him cope with his life he will no doubt be sorry. You on the other hand should have a better life with just your child to look after but loosing the big baby. Don't let him treat you on this shoddy and shitty way. Raise your bar and expectations higher. Show your child bad cheating behaviour from a DH won't be tolerated.

Thank you, I think you're right. I asked my daughter if she'd prefer it if he stayed or went. She said she'd prefer it if he stays but won't be too sad if he goes. She's very clingy to me, but not as much with him.

So sorry this is happening to you. You seem to have a awful lot on your plate, too. You are the only one in this relationship showing any kind of strength or courage. He seems to do very little and whatever energy he has goes to another woman, despite all you do for him. It is a very unequal partnership.
Sadly he is not showing you that he is a safe partner for you. Do not let him have the luxury of choice, he should not have done this in the first place and needs to know as soon as possible that he does not get to choose. You are nobody’s second best and you must make his mind up for him. Whilst he is allowed to avoid facing making a decision he won’t make one, he is being weak, cowardly and selfish. Even if he decides to be with you after you tell him to leave, you will always know that he once said he couldn’t imagine life without her. Can you live with that? It will eat away at you and kill any shred of trust you try to build.
Of course this is all incredibly hard, but not as hard as living with a man who could not decide between you and your children and his mistress. He is ashamed of what he has done but not ashamed enough to stop doing it? Unbelievable. He is hiding behind his depression and hiding behind you to protect him from life’s difficulties and difficult choices. Stop propping this man up now, OP. Depression is a terrible condition but he needs to face it and deal with it. Interestingly he’s not so depressed that he can’t chase another woman. You are worth far, far more than this, you deserve better and are strong enough to find it. It will be anything but easy at first, but with time you’ll wonder how you out up with this for so long. Try not to let fear guide your decisions. X

In the long run, you've not done his bipolar problem any favours by absorbing and dealing with his issues on your own, in fact you have likely and inadvertently enabled him to avoid professional help. Time to stop supporting him, he may have to deal with some rough times on his own when he can't lean on you, but that may help him to seek outside help, which is what he needs.
Tell him to leave, this relationship will likely end quicker once she realises what he's like day to day. She probably up to now has not seen all sides of him, just the up phase.

Thank you, that is true. I've told him to go several times when I've been fed up with him. I said if you can't decide between us then you don't deserve me. He agreed and said I deserve so much better.. but still refused to leave.

Opentooffers - You're probably right, I have tried very hard to make him speak help. He's on meds for depression/ anxiety but wouldn't tell them the whole story.. I don't think this woman will know what's hit her when he becomes comfortable with her. When he's having his manic episodes even his own family can't be around him for long.. I use headphones! 🎧 😆

Oh OP. My husband had an affair about 8 years ago now. I was devastated, he dumped the OW and stayed. But our marriage hasn't recovered, I spent months and months not trusting him until I reached the point where I'd fallen out of love. We live separate lives in the same house and I'm working out how to separate from him. I've lost 8 years of my life when I should have kicked his cheating backside out and made him realise what he'd thrown away.

You're young, you have your life ahead of you, please don't end up like me x

OP, I'm so sorry you are going through this.

What's interesting though is that you say you have been so happy.... then in the next sentence tell us your partner is bipolar but refuses to help himself, is always up and down and you are essentially his carer..... I am sure your daughter is wonderful and brings lots of joy, but with her additional needs, on top of a partner who needs you as a carer..... I am wondering where you are in this..... who takes care of you and meets your needs and gives you your joy?

And that is before he goes off and prioritises his own desires by having an affair..... while you are caring for him and (I suspect) also doing the majority of care for your DD?

And now you are 'helping him through' his depression, due to his affair being discovered? You must be in shock right now..... but I wonder if you are so used to the caring mode and prioritising his needs, that it hasn't occurred to you that you have every right to be deeply angry? And even to end the relationship?

He had no right to do this. He is an adult, who chose totally selfishly to betray you and have a long affair. Even now, when you know, and are in immense pain, clearly with your own mental and physical health suffering to the point of hospitalisation..... he won't look after your needs before his own preferences.....

When will your capacity for empathy be exhausted? I don't know that your husband is consciously manipulative, but he is certainly taking, taking, taking, not giving anything that I can see, while betraying your trust and treating you terribly.

You deserve so so much more.

im amfraid id be booting him out the door

Thewookiemustgo- Thank you. 😊 You're right, it's really hard but I think it must be done. I'll never forget him saying that or his reasons for wanting her. According to their messages she does things to him that I don't do.. He even said to me, if I let him see her once a month for a 'gob job' He'd stay with me. 😳

Chaos- all of that is spot on really. I am used to caring for everyone. I'm the one who holds it all together. I have been extremely angry but mostly sad and stressed. I have my family and friends who are supportive and his family too, who are all disgusted with him and won't let the OW into their house. When he's stable he does help around the house etc but when he's not, he's far harder work than my daughter!

It’s also tough when someone refuses to leave. My Xdh wouldn’t leave for a long time (even though he’d cheated multiple times and told everyone he felt trapped). It’s a mind fuck as you can’t move on and confuses the children. Really hope you find the strength to break from him and start repairing yourself instead of absorbing his unhappiness.

Affair aside, your relationship sounds rather unhealthy and co-dependent - 'helping him through' feeling low about cheating on you is bananas. I think you need to examine why you have such low expectations from your partner and work on your own confidence apart from him. He's an adult who can seek appropriate support for his mental health issues so let him. I'm not surprised he's gone for someone older as it sounds like he wants a mother rather than a wife.

Whatsitwiggle- Thank you, that's another way of looking at it. I could be wasting time holding onto him, there could be someone else for me round the corner. I'm worried that not many men would want to be with someone who's child will likely never leave home and is practically reclusive. I want someone fun in my life, like myself but fun people want to go out and do things..

I would stop the pick me dance and chuck him out. You can do a lot better. Why should he get to pick?

Christon- I definitely think he wants a mother figure. She's old enough to be my mother! I know I shouldn't be supporting him though this as it's his own damn fault. He says he wants to die all the time and talks about ending his life and how he'd do it. I just don't want to think I could've done something to prevent that if he did.

He sounds like a complete bastard. That is shocking that he said to you if you let him see her for a regular ‘gob job’ he will stay. Don’t let him stay. He is basically telling you he wants to have his cake and eat it and won’t give her up. I really feel for you. I don’t know why so many men behave like this. They are disgusting.

Northsouth- Yes, I've told him many times he's not a prisoner and he can leave any time. He just can't. He wants the best of both worlds. He's not used to not getting whatever he wants. 😏