How do horrid men attract nice women?

[Zeldahilda123]

I know it’s none of my business but it was just a thought that goes around in my head with no obvious answer. After I left my narcissistic, abusive and (frankly very dangerous) partner, he immediately found his next victim and moved in with her after 2 months, they are now happily engaged and very very happy (according to mutual friends). I have completely cut contact so have no communication with either of them but I just don’t understand. She’s a social worker who works with people, who as I understand it, has to have some sort of psychoanalytic training. She’s apparently very very nice and lovely, but he’s just… not. Red flags aplenty, don’t want to go into details of what he did, but he has no friends or family as they have all realised that he has absolutely no empathy or care for anyone but himself.

I just don’t get it, if she makes him a better human being then I’m all for it, but how can someone so nice be with someone so horrible. A cheating, manipulative, abusive, horrid man. He controlled everything I did, what I looked like, who I saw, etc etc etc.

Again know it’s nothing to do with me and I’m grateful he doesn’t get to abuse me anymore but I guess it’s just curiosity! Has anyone else thought this?

@Zeldahilda123 ps I like your user name!

@Xztop

I'm one of these women sadly :(

I dont know why. I'm 40, I have had an alcoholic boyfriend who amongst other things stabbed me. I've had a husband who didnt care whether I lived or died as long as everything was ok in his life and I have currently just been dumped by a narcissist gambling addict. I have no idea what's wrong with me

Have you done the freedom programme? @Xztop

@lemuelgulliver

I did briefly contact them using online chat some time ago but the computer cut out before I could really do much. I should try again, though. Thank you.

@lemuelgulliver I have been there. Do try again. When I finally plucked up the courage to get help, I was offered a place in a refuge. I was expecting to be told to pull my socks up. I’ve been on a BIG journey!

@lemuelgulliver
Sorry, what I’m trying to say is you may have trivialised what’s going on because that’s how he’s made you feel. Good luck

I didn’t mean good luck! I meant you can do this! 🤦🏻‍♀️ Time for bed methinks!

Sorry your ex was so awful OP. The answer to your question is: acting.

I had a nasty ex for a bit. When we first met, he made me feel like the most interesting and desirable woman in the world. Sure, I’d heard he had a bad rep, but he made me believe that now he’d met me, he had been transformed. It seems hilariously naive looking back, but when you are the centre of someone’s attention like that, there’s little like it. And I was young. And I’d read a lot of romance novels. Mr Darcy was a prat until he met Elizabeth, right?

He was just acting. Not even on purpose I think, more playing out a fantasy in his head. After a while he reverted to his usual cheating/violent self, and I was gutted that I’d “failed to fix him” Then he went on to the next girl, and the next… Only then did I begin to understand.

He’s married to someone famous now. I hope she’s ok 😔

[quote WhenwillIlearntoadult]@lemuelgulliver
Sorry, what I’m trying to say is you may have trivialised what’s going on because that’s how he’s made you feel. Good luck[/quote]
That’s a very helpful suggestion, thank you

@whenwillIlearntoadult
No, I've never heard of it but I'll definitely look into it! Thank you

DCousin is narcissistic. He's a Counsellor. No respect for women. I hate how he shuts womens' voices down.

Women fall at his feet. He's good-looking, thats all it takes.

Too many women take shit from good-looking yet flawed men, hanging in there with red flags waving in their faces, give them chances they'd not in a million years give your average looking man.

Whos going to admit that though?

Its not that Mr Average can't be a narc, just that for a good looking narc, the world is his oyster.

Every time DCousin has a new girlfriend I feel sorry for her. Its not that he runs around, they last say 3 years on average. But these women end up a shadow of themselves. Love-bombed then spoken down to and negged then kept at a distance (even tho he'd been talking marriage etc) then unceremoniously dumped.

He always has women giving him attention. They don't care about his track record. It's ridiculous. Profession is nothing to do with it, 1 of his partners was a psychologist, others are in professional roles/senior management, he himself is a counsellor.

People are people, thats it.

Well I suppose it's the same with good looking trophy wives - eg footballers.

But also what example did she grow up with - a kind, thoughtful father in a happy marriage with her mother. Or a bullying angry father.
These things are hard wired into the children - it's hard to know what is best for you if you have no examples in real life.

I'm glad some people are shining a light on the elephant in the room. They're good looking and charismatic in most cases. People then overlook the red flags or hope he will be different to me (that is even more of a draw in some cases - I'll be the one to change him because I'm better than the other women).

The halo effect plus strong physical attraction makes logic go out the window.

[quote Xztop]@whenwillIlearntoadult
No, I've never heard of it but I'll definitely look into it! Thank you[/quote]
I wouldn’t be free today if I hadn’t done it!

Very insightful comments. This thread has been helpful to me, thanks OP.

Completely agree with previous posters, in that they are usually good looking but flawed men. I often wondered why he genuinely didn’t have more women after him (he claimed he did but I found out that was a lie to get me jealous) . But I think it’s because most cottoned onto what he was like!

I also completely missed the massive red flag in that there were a few acquaintances (work colleagues, people he knew through his ex) ie people he HAD to speak to, but not choose to, but no actual friends or family that he spoke to regularly. He spent all of his time with me because no one else would. I see that now. He moved around a lot as well and could never settle in one place for very long.

And yes, I did grow up in a not so nice household either but I won’t bore everyone with the details. It’s a massive factor though in how I viewed what was normal!

@lemuelgulliver have you decided what to do yet?

@WhenwillIlearntoadult thank you! Can you tell I used to like watching Sabrina the teenage witch lol

@Zeldahilda123 Yes indeed! I loved the Netflix Sabrina as well.

@Zeldahilda123 I am pretty resigned that it is over, but I need further planning to get away

@lemuelgulliver Will your partner discuss it rationally? If not, you may need support. Mine wouldn’t let me separate from him. I realise how stupid that is but he just wouldn’t have it. I needed help and advice to make it happen.

Whatever you do, stay safe x

Sociopaths and abusers are incredibly skilled at putting on an act. They're the best people at charming and manipulating others.

They also have a target profile they rely on. People who have usually lovely characteristics that they can then unfortunately manipulate to their advantage, such as being very trusting or loyal.

These people also tend to target people who lack confidence and are a bit insecure, or people who really want to love someone. Because again, they can use that in their games.

I've known friends who were literally the nicest, kindest people in the world to be totally taken in by abusers because they abuser tells them exactly what they want to hear etc at first and then by the time the cycle of abuse reaches violence they're totally under their abusers spell.

One of my friends had a partner who beat the living daylights out of her regularly. He had done the same to his ex. When my friend left him he was in another relationship within about 3 weeks. And after that one left him he was with someone else after about 2 months. He had a public reputation for being a domestic abuser but it didn't stop these women thinking they could "fix" him. Poor women.

I think you’re right @Frankola. It’s very sad as I didn’t even know people like that existed before I married one.

What will I do: my plan is to earn more and get more on my own feet so I do have the choice to leave

Im a sw tho not in the uk. We werent trained at all on this stuff - it was all very fluffy about children acting out. Everything I know about relationships I learned on mn.

As previous posters have said, men who are successful at controlling women tend to be charismatic and initially charming and socially dominant. People are attracted to these traits, as you were, and such men will literally have a selection of women available to them at any time.

A quiet, hard working and loyal man who has less confidence, less spark and is less socially dominant will have to work harder to find a mate. It's all very David Attenborough.

They're incredible and dedicated actors who can put on a brilliant show for however long it takes to hook a woman

Do you think the idea that they put on an act is tied in with misogyny? It seems to take such an unserious view of women’s emotional worlds and worth

I think there is also a category of men who are simply twats when they can but manage to behave when they recognise a stronger personality. So when they're with somebody nice and people- pleasing they feel they can behave as they like as they will be forgiven and the woman will doubt herself and enable him. But if they end up with a woman with a strong dominant personality they sense they won't get away with any of that shit and they behave. Towards her at least, they may be horrible at work or to waiting staff or whatever, anywhere where they think they'll get away with it. Just not to their partner in this instance. Although some may 'turn' if their partner goes through a bad patch and needs their support because these men are generally awful at that.