How do horrid men attract nice women?

[Zeldahilda123]

I know it’s none of my business but it was just a thought that goes around in my head with no obvious answer. After I left my narcissistic, abusive and (frankly very dangerous) partner, he immediately found his next victim and moved in with her after 2 months, they are now happily engaged and very very happy (according to mutual friends). I have completely cut contact so have no communication with either of them but I just don’t understand. She’s a social worker who works with people, who as I understand it, has to have some sort of psychoanalytic training. She’s apparently very very nice and lovely, but he’s just… not. Red flags aplenty, don’t want to go into details of what he did, but he has no friends or family as they have all realised that he has absolutely no empathy or care for anyone but himself.

I just don’t get it, if she makes him a better human being then I’m all for it, but how can someone so nice be with someone so horrible. A cheating, manipulative, abusive, horrid man. He controlled everything I did, what I looked like, who I saw, etc etc etc.

Again know it’s nothing to do with me and I’m grateful he doesn’t get to abuse me anymore but I guess it’s just curiosity! Has anyone else thought this?

Thanks everyone for your input. It’s been an eye opener and from the sounds of it, happens more often than you think

I can imagine my ex created a false narrative to her about me, in that I blocked him everywhere so couldn’t defend myself. He was saying awful (untrue) things about me to mutual friends and it’s been awful for them as well as me. Similarly, he painted his ex (mother of his children) as a horrible person to both me and in front of his children when actually I’ve since found out she’s quite a nice person.

I hate to think what his current fiancé is going through right now. But at the same time i think whatever I say is going to fall on deaf ears and I don’t want to give him any reason to go back to stalking and harassing me again.

Oestrogen, a desire for children, & a society that perpetuates the myth that women will be desperately unhappy if they cannot subsume themselves to the 'perfect' nuclear family set-up.

So they put up with shits, in order to conform to the expectation of what womanhood & motherhood ought to look like.

She maybe 'nice' but is lacking somehow as an adult.

I hope you think about that comment & retract it @scoobydoo1971 - it reeks of victim blaming.

Women in abusive relationship are not @lacking', they are not at fault, & the onus is not on them to perform forensic examinations of their relationships.

The onus is on men to stop abusing women.

It’s a good question but having read the responses, I think the answer is the obvious one. She’s with him for the same reasons you were with him. Everything you were attracted to and the good things you shared together are more or less the same for her.

That doesn’t mean they will be happy together forever. Relationships change over time and it can depend on life circumstances eg children, work, money, bereavement, health etc.

When I met exh we were happy and compatible but when children came along and there were a lot more pressures, he became a different person.

I'm one of these women sadly :(

I dont know why. I'm 40, I have had an alcoholic boyfriend who amongst other things stabbed me. I've had a husband who didnt care whether I lived or died as long as everything was ok in his life and I have currently just been dumped by a narcissist gambling addict. I have no idea what's wrong with me

@ChargingBuck

She maybe 'nice' but is lacking somehow as an adult.

I hope you think about that comment & retract it @scoobydoo1971 - it reeks of victim blaming.

Women in abusive relationship are not @lacking', they are not at fault, & the onus is not on them to perform forensic examinations of their relationships.

The onus is on men to stop abusing women.

No, not retracting as it is my opinion. I've worked in domestic violence so seen this from many angles with male and female victims. Not victim blaming either, nor making assumptions about an allegedly abusive relationship. Just advancing an opinion, which only 'reeks' to people who cannot tolerate others with alternative view points. Adults should take responsibility for their own actions, particularly when their professional lives deal with guiding and enforcing with the most vulnerable population in society. Being a role model to others is hard to achieve if a person is making hasty decisions in their personal life. Moving in quickly with someone you barely know isn't what most people I know would call wise, regardless of whether they are horrid or nice. If it happened to be a person that I knew, I might be asking searching questions as to why they felt compelled to live with someone very quickly.

I've worked in domestic violence

Good to see that past tense @scoobydoo1971

@ChargingBuck

I've worked in domestic violence

Good to see that past tense @scoobydoo1971

Oh I still do engage in that field...outside current sick leave. You should never make assumptions about people you don't know on the internet. You might get it wrong.

It's a shame I'm wrong about your work.

I work in DV too btw ... doesn't make me an expert (or a victim blamer).

@scoobydoo1971 "You should never make assumptions about people you don't know on the internet. You might get it wrong."

Says the woman who just said that a complete stranger, about whom she knows absolutely nothing, was lacking as an adult......Do you have any self-awareness at all?

[quote Weedoogie]@scoobydoo1971 "You should never make assumptions about people you don't know on the internet. You might get it wrong."

Says the woman who just said that a complete stranger, about whom she knows absolutely nothing, was lacking as an adult......Do you have any self-awareness at all?[/quote]
She allowed a man to move in with her rather quickly, while being professionally trained as a social worker. One might assume that a degree educated adult is rather intelligent and rational; particularly one grounded in relationship dynamics as part of their training and work experiences. No one I know professionally or personally has ever questioned my self awareness, and I trust them a bit more than a random stranger on the internet to pass judgement. Due to my recent accident, I have had various cognitive tests conducted by neurology specialists, and all came back within normal range. I therefore assume the light is on, and someone is home. This is another fine example of making sweeping assumptions about people on the internet that others don't know. If the report of the woman accepting a live-in boyfriend, horrid or otherwise, within a short space of time is true, then I stand by my comment.

I'm ashamed to admit this was (and is) me. I'm pretty clever and actually work on topics to do with psychology and abuse, but I still ended up with a very abusive, narcissistic, married-before man.

It moved very quickly. We kissed, and almost immediately he was completely focussed on getting my total attention. He was full on, almost a campaign to get me with no breathers. Also the abuse started very early, like second date. I couldn't understand how someone I'd tried to spend a nice evening with had become so upset, so unhinged, and there it began. Extremely quickly I was married and pregnant.

It sounds mad to say I was frightened of saying no but I was. I'd never seen someone get like that and wanted to comfort him. He started it very early, and the habit/secret got set in. Even now I am trying to leave but am still frightened of his unhinged responses. Earlier on in the relationship I was frightened of disappointing my family. I'd say combo of insecure woman with family who are super-eager for her to find happiness is the ideal victim.

Mine presented as highly sensitive, said he was totally wronged (abused, even) by his ex, a total sob story. I cannot imagine how I believed it. I see now she was also a very vulnerable woman who he just totally cut off. Kids, too. I fell out of love with him completely when I saw how badly he treated them.

I forgot to say I found the other posts very interesting, thank you for sharing.

I'm a degree-educated professional woman working in healthcare.

I think abusive men actively target "nice" women with poor boundaries, who are often vulnerable in some way.

As another poster pointed out, healthcare attracts Co-dependent types, and we are often taught to "work with people" no matter how difficult. I remember being taught in a behavioural change skills course that resistance was the fault of the professional & we had to "roll with it".

@lemuelgulliver thank you for posting and I’m sorry to hear your situation. Are you safe?

I genuinely believe the first step is to realise what is happening, and you do, because as long as that happens, the rest can follow.

Very similar to what I have experienced unfortunately, very “whirlwind”, promises of marriage, a family very very quickly, been treated poorly in the past so they know you’ll be grateful of the attention. And everything is everyone else’s fault.

I hope you’re able to get some help, I can’t imagine what it’s like especially with kids in tow.

Oh and don’t worry about disappointing your family. You’re living your life for you, support is nice but if you dont get it, kinda makes you wonder about your upbringing doesn’t it and why you go for these types of men…

**I genuinely believe the first step is to realise what is happening, and you do, because as long as that happens, the rest can follow.

I completely agree with this. Some of the comments on here are things I’ve read before, which have made me feel ashamed of myself for being in an abusive relationship for 25 years. But at the time it started, I knew no better. I grew up believing I had to please people and put them above myself. Later on in my relationship, when I was told he was treating me badly, I thought there was no way he would do that. He loves me. In the end I didn’t know who I was any more. I didn’t like what I’d become and I knew I had to try to get out. One pivotal moment opened my eyes completely and after that, there was no going back. From out of nowhere, I made him leave and did not let him back in, despite his insistence.
Now, he has a new GF and I expect he’s told her how awful I am. I’m going to continue working on myself, so I never put myself (or our children) in that situation again.

@lemuelgulliver have you contacted an organisation like Women’s Aid?

I did briefly contact them using online chat some time ago but the computer cut out before I could really do much. I should try again, though. Thank you.

@WhenwillIlearntoadult thanks for sharing that, I’m happy you finally broke free, no matter how long it’s been I don’t think it’s too late for anybody. I do think a lot of it stems from how we are raised and the environment we are in. If all you are taught is to put other peoples needs first (ie parents before your own) how are you supposed to know that it’s wrong?

Before I met my ex I was very ignorant - why would someone stay in a relationship where they are treated badly etc. but that’s how they work, you don’t know you are treated badly, it’s the metaphor of being boiled slowly! And then the shame of having to admit that to yourself and everybody else.

Now I don’t judge or blame anybody for staying / not realising. The main issue I struggled with isn’t getting rid of him, it was forgiving myself for letting it happen.

I'm a degree educated in a helping profession, many of us dysfunctional traumatic histories hence we go into the helping professions !

I think you are overlooking one thing , the initial part of a relationship is sexual attraction you aren't really looking deeply into their flaws as you want to have sex with them 🤣🤣. Many of the really abusive men are good looking and have at least superficial charm so can initially hook women then they will start with the sob stories.

@Zeldahilda123 I completely understand that feeling

Because they're fit?

Not helpful sorry

Often people with psychology/counselling training have abuse in their backgrounds, that's why they are drawn to it. And that also makes you more vulnerable to future abuse. Lovebombing is a powerful drug and very hard to recognise from a skilled practitioner who believes what he's saying. It will come crashing down for her in a terrible way too but you are the one person who can't do anything to help her. Although don't be surprised if she does reach out one day in years to come trying to make sense of what happened.

@Xztop

I'm one of these women sadly :(

I dont know why. I'm 40, I have had an alcoholic boyfriend who amongst other things stabbed me. I've had a husband who didnt care whether I lived or died as long as everything was ok in his life and I have currently just been dumped by a narcissist gambling addict. I have no idea what's wrong with me

I have currently just been dumped by a narcissist gambling addict

There is nothing wrong with you - this is a positive - you are getting this right.

@Zeldahilda123 I can identify with what you’re saying. I guess it a process you go through. Almost like grieving. Realisation, fear, guilt, wondering how you let it happen. I feel like a different person now my eyes have opened. Although there are times I imagine I made it all up!