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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I just can't meet anyone! So disheartened and don't know what to do.

49 replies

shellnecklace · 16/01/2022 20:39

I'm 29. Had a brief 'relationship' in my early twenties and I've been single ever since. I've always just assumed that someone would come along but it's been a long road with no success so far and it's just really getting to me. I don't want to spend my weekends making small talk with strangers.

But if I give up OLD, I won't meet any men- it's never happened so far that I've met anyone naturally- and I don't have time for that. 35/36 is my personal cut off for kids and that's no time away.

My mum says crap like 'while you're waiting for the man of your dreams' and it makes me want to scream. I'm not waiting! I am doing all the things I want to do and I have the life I want, but there is something missing.

OP posts:
Lifeisnteasy · 16/01/2022 20:41

Change workplaces to somewhere with lots of young people if you can? Like a large modern company or somewhere that has a grad scheme. That way you’ll get to know people over a period of time rather than pressured online dating. So many people seem to meet at work.

inesme · 16/01/2022 20:42

If it's bothering you I'd suggest you go out of your comfort zone to try and meet someone.

Do you ever meet people? Do you end the communication or do they?

Do you ever initiate communication with people?

What are you like with making friends?

Original poster
shellnecklace · 16/01/2022 20:46

Workplaces is a good idea. I love my job though and have lots of friends there. I'd be very reluctant to leave that behind.

I never meet new people in real life. With OLD, it's about half and half ending communication. I really liked one guy and he ended that.

I'm confident initiating communication and have got much better at suggesting dates to do things I enjoy.

I'd say I'm ok making friends. I'm not the life of the party but when I had Covid I was really touched by the people who reached out.

OP posts:
Mermaidwaves · 16/01/2022 20:48

Same boat OP! Except I'm 40 so even worse off. People keep telling me "you'll meet someone when you least expect it" and it makes me want to scream! It's such a cliche. I've tried OLD, hobbies and bars and it's not been successful except for meeting a lot of twats on OLD who were bad news. You are not alone!

sweetbellyhigh · 16/01/2022 20:51

Dating is so loaded. What about something like Meet Ups (if that's an option where you are), events open to anyone and especially welcoming to people on their own. I meet loads of people this way, I do the guided art tours, the water sports, the hikes.

wombatsandstuff · 16/01/2022 20:53

I feel similar to you. I’ve had 2 dates in the past 1.5 years. But I get hardly any likes on the likes of tinder. I’m also autistic which doesn’t help matters.

I just feel like I’m never going to find someone. I ve never had a relationship. I’m a bit of slow starter as I didn’t try meeting any one till I was 25 and I’m not quite 27 yet.

Original poster
shellnecklace · 16/01/2022 21:06

People keep telling me "you'll meet someone when you least expect it" and it makes me want to scream!

Oh god, me too. How do you go about ‘not expecting’ it?!

MeetUp was very disappointing pre Covid and I don’t have the energy for it now.

OP posts:
Luredbyapomegranate · 16/01/2022 21:13

Dating is really flipping hard. I do think it helps to just acknowledge that. It’s like the gulag.

On the plus side you are still young so there are a fair few men not yet coupled, ie you can probably get someone without mega baggage.

Thoughts

  • fork out for an actual dating agency
  • switch your old platforms
  • what are you interested in? Could you turn that interest so it means you meet new people - not just men, people in general
  • can you change jobs or where you live - if you aren’t in a city with a lot of single people knocking around
  • have you asked your friends to make sure you’ve met all their single friends. I know this sounds appalling but it can work.
Sunnytwobridges · 16/01/2022 21:14

I fee you OP. I’m much much older than you and I did it all. I worked at a large international company with thousands of people, and never met anyone. I had friends, altho not a lot but still met no one. Did meetups and nothing. I only met people OLD, and only 2 LTR from those in 15 yrs, both ended obviously- one cheated on me and the other was a narc.

I remember my DM would tell me that I’d meet someone, maybe I’d be 40 but it would happen. Well that never happened and I’m a decade past that age now

Now I’m just trying to accept my fate in life. You’re young so you still have lots of time (ok I hate this saying cause it’s so cliche and everyone told me the same thing lol) but I think most likely it does happen for most people, there are less out there like me Smile

reallyworriedjobhunter · 16/01/2022 21:19

How about a pottery course, woodwork or photography course or a hiking or wildlife conservation group? Something that is regular, fun and has a purpose other than meeting people? If you meet a few new people through it then great, if not, you have had a new experience and learned a thing or two.

Quornflakegirl · 16/01/2022 21:23

I had a similar experiences. I lived in London in my 20s and had a bazillion dates with a few nice ones but it didn’t develop into anything serious. I was convinced I would never meet anyone and was destined to be single forever. Then one day, online, I met him and that was it! We’ve been together 12 years and have 2 dc. You will eventually meet someone, you have to keep getting yourself out there.

Gonnagetgoing · 16/01/2022 21:29

Dating is a pita and hard. However I’ve met a few people over lockdowns via Bumble, friend of friend, tinder and another site.

I also met someone recently when out at a street market but this is unusual.

Friend of mine said she met her partner at a local football club for kids, she went along with a friend and pretended to watch. I personally think that’s a bit strange watching random kids play!

Classes are a good idea.

I even had a locksmith chat me up once but I wasn’t interested (he wrote his number on W card) that was embarrassing as I’d met my mum in the afternoon and she wanted to get locks changed so I went along to locksmith with her.

Original poster
shellnecklace · 16/01/2022 21:37

Appalling is about right 😂

Classes wise I feel very stuck. Being honest, I have my own hobbies, I’ve taken classes and I don’t have any interest in new ones.

I tried out Hinge over the holidays but it’s not as good as Bumble.

OP posts:
Gonnagetgoing · 16/01/2022 21:42

Have you tried pubs when they have sporting events?

Mermaidwaves · 16/01/2022 23:32

Another problem I find is that if I join any classes or groups that interest me it's full of other hopeful women just like me! One man to ten women, all lovely, but most are obviously there hoping to meet a fella. I cant stand sport which might be the more obvious areas to try so it feels a bit bleak.

TheWomandestroyed · 17/01/2022 06:01

Is it because you want a baby that is the most pressing thing?

If so I would start the process of preparing to do it alone. You still have plenty time between now and 35 to do it.
I know a woman who is going it alone, she is early 40's and expecting twins soon.
Men can come and go, Children are hopefully with you for life.

Eesha · 17/01/2022 06:48

You have to do OLD solidly as its so hard any other way. My friend essentially went on 3 dates per week for 5 years then met her husband. I know loads of people like this. Its a necessary evil but I used it as just another way to meet someone alongside real life ie didn't pressure myself too much

Musttryharder2021 · 17/01/2022 08:15

@TheWomandestroyed

Is it because you want a baby that is the most pressing thing?

If so I would start the process of preparing to do it alone. You still have plenty time between now and 35 to do it.
I know a woman who is going it alone, she is early 40's and expecting twins soon.
Men can come and go, Children are hopefully with you for life.

@shellnecklace

What this poster said.

Divorced aged 36 and spent a few years dating via OLD. It was mainly awful, soul-destroying experience bar one man.

I did it alone this February aged 39 IVF with a sperm donor. The only regret is not having done it earlier as I most probably wouldn't have needed IVF therefore treatment (IUI intrauterine insemination) would have been cheaper and less invasive. I've got my baby boy next to me as I'm typing this. When I'm ready to date again, it'd be without pressure to find a partner to form a family with, meaning I can take my time.

Have you considered going at it solo if you don't meet anyone?

Original poster
shellnecklace · 18/01/2022 21:43

Have you considered going at it solo if you don't meet anyone?

I'm not dismissing it, but realistically, I just couldn't afford to pay for the support I'd need.

I could live like a monk for the next 4 or 5 years but then I think I'd be putting so much hope and expectation on the baby to redeem myself. I hope that makes sense, I've retyped it so much and can't really articulate what I mean.

I do tend to avoid pubs during sporting events, but that is actually a simple idea I could try.

OP posts:
CrabPuff · 18/01/2022 21:46

Freeze your eggs now, then relax marginally about finding a relationship. It will take a bit of pressure off - lots of women leave it til their mid 30s and wish they’d done it earlier.

Sorenka7 · 18/01/2022 21:48

Try clubs that men do: martial arts, climbing, that sort of thing. Really work your friends and family for single men - everyone I know met their OHs through friends.

DSGR · 18/01/2022 21:52

I met DH at 33 through OLD and had three babies in my late 30s. All is not lost but you are right to be taking this seriously aged 29.
Dating is exhausting but it’s true it only takes one man that fits with you and then things can move quickly.
I have no advice other than keep online, keep going out, do all the things you’re doing. Also look at your wish list.. I read Marry Him! By Lori Gottlieb and it really opened my eyes to my superficial wish list regarding a partner. Actually what you need is somebody who will treat you well and be a good life partner. It’s not all ripping clothes off (I’m not saying you’re doing this, just that we can end up looking for the wrong things).
Don’t give up and don’t start thinking there’s something wrong with you.. there isn’t.

Original poster
shellnecklace · 18/01/2022 22:11

It’s hard to know. I had 6 dates with a guy who was very stable and perfectly nice but I wasn’t attracted to him and ended up leading him on, which I felt terrible about.

My check list is basically

  • kind
  • makes me laugh
  • active and healthy (I tried dating a guy who was a bit heavier and we weren’t compatible)
  • would spend a weekend morning going for a run and then getting coffee and reading or doing the crossword

Thanks though. I do feel a bit defective at times.

OP posts:
DSGR · 18/01/2022 22:13

Well your wish list isn’t too much to ask!

FeelingConfusedd · 18/01/2022 23:16

Personally, I would avoid doing anything that is deliberate to find a man (like purposefully going to a sporting event as there will be lots of men there). Sorry, but does that not wreak of desperation? I have friends who have been successful online dating. They are all such well suited couples! But all of them had to do a fair few dates to get there first! I would keep at the online dating… Keep the dates short and sweet so not impacting the rest of your life - a walk, a coffee etc.