I just can't meet anyone! So disheartened and don't know what to do.

[shellnecklace]

I'm 29. Had a brief 'relationship' in my early twenties and I've been single ever since. I've always just assumed that someone would come along but it's been a long road with no success so far and it's just really getting to me. I don't want to spend my weekends making small talk with strangers.

But if I give up OLD, I won't meet any men- it's never happened so far that I've met anyone naturally- and I don't have time for that. 35/36 is my personal cut off for kids and that's no time away.

My mum says crap like 'while you're waiting for the man of your dreams' and it makes me want to scream. I'm not waiting! I am doing all the things I want to do and I have the life I want, but there is something missing.

My ds broke up with gf then pandemic hit and he is lorry driver so worked very long hours as key worker. Did not meet anyone else as lockdowns. He saved all through lockdowns then decided to buy a house up North in cheap area for houses. He met new gf within a week of being there so he had new house, new job and new gf. He met her on dating app. He works less hours now too. Any chance of widening your circle OP. Instead of going to same pubs and clubs try different ones.

I would read ‘The Rules’.

I found my DH online. First one to email me and first one to go on a date with.
Im incredibly lucky but I think reading that book also helped.

Embrace the small talk! That's how you get to know someone.

So you want to meet a man that likes going for a run - join a running club if you haven't already! There are loads of couples that met at my running club and I met my boyfriend there too. Even if you don't meet anyone, running clubs are a great way of making friends (and of course staying fit and healthy). Loads of us stay and socialise with each other after our runs. Our couch to 5K group tends to be nearly all female but the main running club sessions have more men than women.

I can only sympathise. Dating, especially OLD, is intense, time consuming, and so emotionally draining. Takes a thick skin.

I'm 30 and it took me over 2 years of very intense online dating (went on 100+ dates) before I found a keeper who's still ab awesome partner 2 years later. And I know a few married couples who met on tinder and are going strong, so don't lose hope. Some people luck out and meet someone right early on, for others it takes years and years of swifting through trash so to speak.

Be kind to yourself, don't take failures personally and take a break whenever it gets too much. But at the end of the day it's a number's game and OLD gives you the greatest exposure.

Running club! Ideally one that is as much about the socialising as the running. That's how I met my partner.
Whereabouts are you based? You could go to more than one if feasible time wise. London has loads of sociable running groups that run in parks and on streets etc which tend to be better for chatting than eg a track session

@Mermaidwaves

Another problem I find is that if I join any classes or groups that interest me it's full of other hopeful women just like me! One man to ten women, all lovely, but most are obviously there hoping to meet a fella. I cant stand sport which might be the more obvious areas to try so it feels a bit bleak.

@Mermaidwaves What about walking groups? The only mixed one I went to (one), was about 70% men.

Do stiff that is man heavy. Surfing, horticulture, man counselling (lol)

Darts? Join the darts team in one of the local pubs. Men like darts, and it's quite a social environment for meeting people.

You sound like you like fit, healthy people. Do you climb? I’ve recently taken it up and the indoor climbing wall near me is bursting at the seams with single men. I get chatted up (nicely, politely) pretty much every time I go, and I’m in my 40s, usually with a child or two with me.

Sign up for a beginners course and see where it ends up? If nothing else, you’ll have more fun than swiping left.

Dating is really flipping hard. I do think it helps to just acknowledge that. It’s like the gulag.

Really? It's like the gulag??
I'm going to assume that your phone autocorrected something to "gulag". What a ludicrous comparison.

OP, if you really want children, make plans to have them on your own. Work out how you could afford them and what your life would look like.
Meanwhile do your own thing. Do stuff you are interested in, not just random stuff where there's supposedly a higher chance of meeting men. Ditch the online dating if it's not working for you.
I've been single for 3 years and tried OLD in the last year but I'm not meeting anyone on there I would like to start a relationship with. I'm 45 and I would far rather be on my own than with someone who isn't great just for the sake of being in a relationship.
Obviously it's different for you as you really do want to start a family - so concentrate on options for making that work which doesn't necessarily have to involve finding a man.

The problem is that I am active and healthy but not particularly good! So when I went to running club, I was in with the plodders and all of the men were in the faster group.

That doesn’t really bother me, because I do it for myself, but I’m not signing up for anything simply for dating.

Climbing sounds really fun though!

Baby wise… I just can’t afford it I don’t think. I could probably save up and get through treatment and mat leave. I just don’t make enough for the childcare and support I’d need until the baby went to school.

I would normally tell someone to just forget about things and be content without being in a relationship, but if you're looking to have a child within 7 years, and you want the father to be around to support the child's upbringing, then you need to change your attitude towards relationships and family. You've already said you dated someone who was perfectly nice, but then you cut it off because you didn't find him attractive.

There are lots and lots of men and women who are in relationships, or married, to a significant other they don't find particularly attractive, but they choose to take a grownup approach to family life and they settle for one another, because the stability and the commitment is far more important to their life than superficial "attractiveness."

Even think about cultures where men and women end up with each other through arranged marriages, and yet, it works most of the time, because they both have a desire for sensible, mature family life and the priority is stability and commitment.

If you simply prioritise looking for someone who is keen for a stable family life, then there are lots and lots of men to choose from just on dating apps alone.

greasyshoes As someone who “settled”, I think that’s terrible advice.

Attraction isn’t just about symmetrical features and a gym- honed body, it’s about genuine compatibility. It is nourished by mutual understanding, eyes meeting, “getting” each other, feeling safe and comfortable in someone’s company. If you’re having to force it, you’re ignoring the subtle signs of unease that your body’s feeling. In my case, it was that my oh so nice, kind, steady partner was actually abusive, and I was subconsciously picking up on things being “off”.

It is nourished by mutual understanding, eyes meeting, “getting” each other, feeling safe and comfortable in someone’s company.

All of those things are possible with anyone who is nice. She said the man she met previously was nice. So what's the problem?

In my case, it was that my oh so nice, kind, steady partner was actually abusive, and I was subconsciously picking up on things being “off”.

No one suggested she should be in a relationship with an abusive partner. You are going off on a tangent.

greasyshoes you suggested that finding someone attractive wasn’t important when looking for a life partner.

greasyshoes you suggested that finding someone attractive wasn’t important when looking for a life partner.

Yes, I did.

He was nice, but there was no spark. Attraction for me is about intelligence, humour, kindness and their interests, as well as what they look like.

It would have been a terrible idea to get into a relationship with him. I wasn't interested. He also deserved more than that.

@shellnecklace

Have you considered going at it solo if you don't meet anyone?

I'm not dismissing it, but realistically, I just couldn't afford to pay for the support I'd need.

I could live like a monk for the next 4 or 5 years but then I think I'd be putting so much hope and expectation on the baby to redeem myself. I hope that makes sense, I've retyped it so much and can't really articulate what I mean.

I do tend to avoid pubs during sporting events, but that is actually a simple idea I could try.

I think it's worth considering this. It's probably cheaper emotionally and financially than rushing to find someone and then having to separate a few years down the line. I say this from bitter experience. Now I'm the other side of all that and have my DC (and two awful ex Partners who I acquired when in a rush at 30 and then 37!) later I feel like I might have a chance at actually deciding what I would I really want in a long term partner. I think the time-rush thinking of fertility can really get in the way of good choices .

Some of the happiest couples I know were set up by friends. Could you bear to tell all your friends and selected work colleagues whether they know of anyone who is looking??

Running club is a really good shout. It really doesn't matter if you are in with the plodder. Lots of running clubs you all stay around after or go to the nearest pub or whatever. Plus many men start with the plodders and then move up so plenty of men passing through as it were.
Also, what about parkrun? That really is for all abilities. And you can volunteer instead if you prefer.

I have asked friends before and 3 different people said that they didn't know anyone 'good enough'. I'm not really sure what the hidden message in that was!

I go semi regularly to running club and regularly to parkrun- sadly no dates. I am quite interested in the climbing idea from earlier though.

I'm not sure about going it alone. I do spend quite a bit of my disposable income on clothes, coffees etc, but that makes me happy. The amount of saving I would have to do would really mean isolating myself for the next 5 years. I don't think it would be a sensible approach.

Sorry Quornflakegirl, but messages like this just make people feel worse. You had a bazillion dates. Most people in OP's position struggle to get even one. And then eventually you met your husband online. Again, something not everyone is lucky to do. I appreciate you are trying to help but I think some women have absolutely no idea what it's like for women who are chronically single.

@shellnecklace if you do really want children, then I'd say make plans to do it alone. A medic friend said 37 was the age fertility drops.

I said above that online dating is a necessary evil. I didnt go on tons of dates myself but I was always about having a deep connection so that filtered out a ton of men. I met a few people where it didn't work out but they were nice with issues. After being disappointed yet again, I took a couple of years out of dating and focussed on myself and friendships and I felt a ton happier without that horrible anxiety of whether it would work or not. I gave up on dating because I felt it just constantly disappointed me.

I'm with someone now but we actually met on a dating site years ago and were friends initially. It's worked out really well because it came along when I least expected it.