How the hell do you broach the safe sex conversation as an older dater 😳

[WoodSageandSeasalt]

I’m late 40s and divorced, have dated a bit and had one sort of relationship but I’ve now met someone a bit more serious. We’re sleeping together and using condoms but would both like to ditch them. I’m on the Pill as it helps with my periods so no problems there.

What’s the safe thing to do before we get rid of them? Should we be taking STI tests? It’s seems sensible but also feels very clinical. Do people really do this?

Yes they do. To not do so is very unsensible.

Yes they do!

If you are exclusive and want to stop using condoms you need to do the whole range of STI tests first

Don’t ditch them until you’ve been in a class mitred relationship for a long while. Any infidelity and you’re at risk.

And when you do- DEFINITELY STI checks first.

Yes, they very definitely do!

I had a similar conversation with my mum (who is a bit older than you, but same generation) and was amazed horrified by her attitude.

STI testing is incredibly simple nowadays. You can order a home test if you prefer to do it at home with a few drops of blood; but sexual health clinics are also easily accessible.

Considering how many LFTs, PCRs and vaccinations the majority of us will subjected ourselves to these past couple of years, STI testing isn’t really any more clinical!

Yes! You must. Easy peasy. Then you can romantically mingle your untainted bodily fluids.

Of course they do! You just say you want to ditch the condoms, but before you do, you both need STI tests.

I'm 57, I don't think it's an age thing!

I'm a bit older than you and absolutely have had the STI conversation a couple of times for the exact same reasons.
Many middle aged men, especially those who may have previously been in a long marriage/relationship have never been checked and they are as likely as anyone else to have an undetected infection. I've been met with a surprised reaction but never a refusal.
Someone who would object to such checks isn't worthy of your intimacy anyway!

100% do not ditch condoms without both taking a STI test. They’re easy and discrete, delivered home, posted back, results are back quickly.
It’s a simple conversation and he should have zero issue doing one if he respects you and equally wants to protect himself.

Yes you both take a test. I’m late 40s and 10 years ago when I met my DP I did one and told him to do the same. He said he already had and that he’d had chlamydia but had it treated. It later turned out that this test was several years before we met . So I’d also want to see the results next time to be honest.

Apparently the biggest rise in HIV has been in older women, who clearly don’t need condoms for contraception and feel silly asking to use them.

The Sun Link sorry!

Yes of course you do. Would find it utterly bizarre that anyone would find this unreasonable.

What’s the safe thing to do before we get rid of them? Should we be taking STI tests? It’s seems sensible but also feels very clinical. Do people really do this?

Do ditch them, you'd need an exclusivity agreement in place and the full range of tests, as PPs said. To do anything else is to engage in risky behaviour.

People in their 80+ are having these conversations and you need to as well.

I had this exact conversation with someone I’m dating yesterday. Told him I was going to be taking a test & whether he’d mind also doing so - reacted well & all is good.

If you ask someone and they react badly you can assume they’ve probably never been tested, could be carrying all sorts and therefore having sex with them would be a terrible idea!

Yes, of course you do! You say you're exclusive now so let's both get tested. Then you get tested. Unless you want a nice dose of syphilis (which, btw, is on the rise in the UK).

STIs are growing fastest in the over 50s. No tests, no ditching the condoms.

There isn't a naice way of doing it, I can't be bothered dating any more but I used to just say if things were heating up, Have you got a condom?
No condom, no sex.

Yes definitely ask for STI tests. I was chatting to an idiot on OLD yesterday who said he was into swinging clubs. It can about after a jokey comment I made, and then I asked him. This has nothing to do with your question but to illustrate the risk of STIs isn’t neglible, particularly if you don’t know the guy’s sexual history.

It’s seems sensible but also feels very clinical. Do people really do this

Of course they do!
It's not clinical - it's a loving, respectful & mature gesture.

Best wishes with your new relationship! :)

Yes to STI tests. As a PP mentioned, you can get them by post now which means you don't have to feel awkward sitting in the waiting room of the local GUM clinic.

@MilduraS

Yes to STI tests. As a PP mentioned, you can get them by post now which means you don't have to feel awkward sitting in the waiting room of the local GUM clinic.

But you have to 'milk' your pricked finger to get enough blood for a sample, so for anyone who doesn't like the sight of their own blood, that's going to be tricky.

Good point @Bowwowwowoh I forgot that I had to prick and milk DH's finger because he couldn't bring himself to do it! He's not usually squeamish so it surprised us both.

Yes, both of you should should do the free tests via SH24, I got mine via local health service website, discreet packaging and results by text,
Agree with the comments about the blood sample, the blood went everywhere apart from in the little pot…
As a man the STI bit is just a urine test, no swaps need to be inserted..

Absolutely yes to STI tests. I'm 47 and get a home test every few months.

Tip: have a hot shower before pricking your finger and stay standing while you squeeze the blood out.. makes it flow better.

Conversation with new partner: "I'm planning on getting a sexual health test next week. You happy to do one too?" Simple!

Yep they do. I’m in my 40s and my BF of 2 years is in his 50s. We both went for check ups at the STI clinic before we ditched the condoms. I wouldn’t be with anyone who wasn’t prepared to do this. It’s par for the course with modern dating.