Made my mum cry

[Goldi321]

I need some advice on this (recurrent situation) that typically goes like this- my DM will continually push my boundaries (e.g. I’ve never been comfortable with forced personal contact like cuddles) until I snap then she cries and I feel like a terrible person. To put this into context I am mid 30s and I don’t remember it happening in early childhood but seems to be getting worse as I and she get older.
Today in a family zoom call my DB had a new haircut and he asked what people thought of it. Everyone else said it looked nice, her response was “I don’t like it, I prefer your hair longer”. I brushed this off for DB and said “isn’t it good then that our parents don’t get a say in how we have our hair when we are adults?” as I would’ve felt crap about this and have done when she’s made similar comments to me before about how she prefers my hair.

Then later on we were talking about SILs sister who is 40 weeks pregnant. She has had a really tough time and has had lots of investigations for very large baby and bump, all thankfully normal. I am 33 weeks pregnant and feeling pretty uncomfortable and rubbish about myself. Have cried to DH a fair few times about how uncomfortable and out of control I feel!
DB was saying that the sister is “pretty huge” now she is 40 weeks and my DM chipped in with “like your sister then!”.
My jaw dropped and I said that was really offensive and said that she should think about how her comments make people feel.
Her and my DDad tried to say that it was because I am pregnant and of course I am big, no apology given.
She then disappeared “to the loo” and came back very quiet and had obviously been crying.
Obviously, I feel awful. But this is a very recurrent theme where I bite my tongue until I can no longer, try to explain how I feel and then she cries.
She is very critical of people. I remember as a teenager multiple times trying to hide a huge spot (you know when you feel like you’ve grown a 2nd head) with makeup etc hoping it wasn’t noticeable and always the first thing she would say when I walked into a room was “Is that a SPOT?” And get up in my face to have a good look, when all I wanted was her to act normally and fake that she couldn’t see anything.

Group zooms don't help .. always a little bit awkward for me . I also am another one to say boundaries are needed .. plus you are not your parent's parent .. however old we are it's not our children's job to sort us out.

I can't really see the issue with the 2 examples you've given, but i assume there's a backstory of more?

Regarding the hair - i would say that i prefer longer or shorter hair or with or without beard even to my partner! And would expect that everyone has different preferences, and that's ok. It's just a preference and not a criticism. Also, your brother is a grown man and can defend himself surely if it bothered him - why did you need to step in? It would have come across a bit catty especially since the comment wasn't directed at you.

With the pregnancy thing - without hearing the tone, it just sounds like them trying to relate your sister in law's situation to yours i.e both being pregnant and feeling uncomfortable about it.

But none of the examples you've given, I personally would consider critical. Wanting to examine a spot is not critical, if she commented on how unattractive you looked with a spotty face, yes, that is critical. However, you do find it critical and so it seems like you just have very different personalities - where you constantly feel like you're being criticised/have your boundaries pushed, and she constantly feels like she can't connect with you/you dislike her.

Maybe having an honest conversation with her when you're both calm, and not arguing, about how she makes you feel and what you need from her would help. If the only time you establish boundaries is when you're being angry then it just results in this tense/horrible dynamic where it could seem like you just dislike her, rather than dislike certain behaviours.

Yes she sounds just like my dm OP - I understand.

Constant passive aggressive comments and comparing us unfavourably to herself and others. It feels like she often comes from a negative place - but because she says things "in a nice way", it's your fault and you're being too sensitive if you get upset.

I don't see her much any more if I can help it!

There's clearly more to it than you've said, but from those examples I can see that your DM is thoughtless.

If someone asked me if I've liked their new hairdo, in a lighthearted way, in a group of people, no way would I say no - even it was my own child. It's unecessarily rude.

And the comment about your size - in context it's possible to have a joke about someone's size when pregnant (if they are happy to laugh about it) but you hadn't given her any indication of that, so just not warranted.

I too can't bear it when people are happy to dish out critism (or just 'be honest' as they might see it) but the minute someone is honest back, they sulk or go quiet or cry. So immature and self-centred.

And menopause isn't an excuse. It doesn't make you rude to people. And if because of menopause (or any other reason) I was feeling particularly sensitive, then I'd probably also think of other people's feelings too. It isn't an excuse to be as rude as you like to others and expect them to pussy foot around you.

My mum is like this - I totally get it and we end up having these sort of rows too because as soon as she knows there is a boundary she pushes against it.

The only two things which I have found are successful are:

• leaving the situation instead of responding. This seems to get through in a way that any amount of talking doesn’t. Eg she says the comment about the baby bump. You say “sorry all I’ve just realised I’ve got something to do, see you soon”. It works best if you don’t make any effort to lie convincingly.

• pretending it’s her age that’s causing the issue “I totally get you aren’t saying that to be rude- it was probably really normal when you were young to call people fat - but just so you know we don’t do that anymore “. She gets offended that I think she’s past it and tries to explain and I look patronisingly like she hasn’t realised.

Neither stops the dynamic totally in our family but both make it bearable.

It sounds as though both you and your mum are oversensitive to criticism. I agree group zoom chats aren't great and I'd avoid them and just do personal chats. Also maybe have less contact if you are feeling sensitive at the moment. I think that if your brother couldn't cope with people not being keen on his new haircut then he shouldn't have raised the issue unless he was fishing for compliments. Saying you preferred it before is fine. If he asked your mum should be able to be honest. You shouldn't need to tiptoe around each other. On the other hand your mum can't then expect everyone to tiptoe round her.
I think some people just cry more easily than others. Don't let whether or not she cries influence you. If you don't want visitors straight after the birth then whether or not people cry when told that shouldn't change anything. She's the parent not you and she shouldn't be crying to try and get her own way. That's not how adults resolve issues. It does sound as though when your mum says something you put the worst possible interpretation on it rather than letting her comments wash over you or putting a neutral interpretation on them.

I disagree with the 'oversensitive' comments completely. Critical comments can be extremely hurtful. Your DM needs to grow up and get herself out of the playground mentality that seems to have followed her.

I would tell her straight that she needs to speak to someone about her comments as they could be masking a general unhappiness in her life. She has no right to take it out on you and sounds an awful mother and I use the word 'mother' very loosely.

It is not acceptable under any circumstances.

Thank you all for the feedback, I agree it does make me sound over sensitive (and I probably am!). It also sounds very petty without the many years of criticisms being explained.
It’s sad because I’d like us to have a good relationship but with every comment I take a step further and further back, so It seems like she tries to push my boundaries further to get some response and the cycle continues!
I hate the zoom catch-ups but they want to speak to both of us at the same time and it seems to be the best way to do to.

Why do they want to speak to both of you at the same time? I think one trouble with extended family zooms is everyone falls in to their roles which they actually grew out of years ago, so I'm viewed as big sister and my sister feels pushed in to playing rebellious younger sister and it doesn't make for proper conversation it's more superficial and bantery. Have you spoken to your brother about the zooms? he maybe hates it too. I think as an occasional thing it's fine for a special occasion but not every time you chat to them. I'd plead a tech fail if they are that awful and suggest a quick phone call catch up instead. I hate having a camera on me so wouldn't have started this anyway. Luckily my dad would struggle with zoom so I get to chat to him by phone.

Are we sisters? You're not in the wrong, the crying is a defence technique and is designed to make you feel guilty. Don't stand for it and pull her up every single time, that's the only way she'll learn. My mum flits between crying or extreme anger if you dare suggest she's out of order. As we've gotten older it's more tears and blame shifting than anger. Does my head in.

@Ionlydomassiveones

I couldn’t pander to this. She’s happy to dish it out but cries like a child if you respond? I think you need to stop ‘biting your tongue’ and just be honest with her - pointless bottling up your frustration if you’re going to blow anyway. Tell her to dial down the chippy comments and to work on her emotional intelligence. And then leave her to it. Be bright and breezy and be the bigger person. Don’t blow up, keep reinforcing your boundaries and walk away if she starts getting manipulative. You’d have a much better relationship with stong boundaries without all this drama and resentment.

This is great advice

I'd also ditch the zoom calls

Sounds like unnecessary stress

I really couldn't communicate much with someone who is so rude though, and then to cry if someone points it out, christ, she sounds like a toddler.

If your mum is happy to make critical comments on your weight, does she ever balance this with nice comments about your appearance? If not, this is worth exploring.

My mum is very similar - but when I have said this to her, she has been very offended!! So critical of everyone.

And the comments I remember saying to me? 'You'd look good if it wasn't for that roll of fat on your back.'
I was about 18 and 9 stone.

When I asked how I looked, 'you look fine'.
It was my wedding day.

But your mum is old enough to know how her comments will come scores. If she cries in response, then disengage.
'Mum, your comment was hurtful.' 'I'll let you think about why that was. Talk to you soon.'

Big hugs to you.

I feel like I've read a different thread to the one everyone is commenting on!

Someone compared you to someone who is so big they are having medical intervention. On what planet is it ok to go round telling people how big they are, even if its pregnancy related? And the 'you've put weight on in your face' comment...why would anyone want to hear that, ever??

You didn't scream at her, or shout, or swear, or accuse her of anything or tell her she was horrible etc etc...it sounds like all you did was tell her how her comment made you feel and ask her to think about it before speaking next time

To me that's a totally acceptable, assertive and straightforward but not nasty way of dealing with it.

I cant believe you tell her you found her comment upsetting, she actually ran off to cry about it, but people are calling you over sensitive

I love my mother and she is generally nice and normal.

She has been BIZARRE during my pregnancy and I really resonate with some of the stuff you have written here.
Telling me my arse is “massive”… I am “massive”. “Don’t be stupid you’ll do x not y”

I used to try and raise it sensibly (ie calmly with good boundaries) and she’d turn it around so I was some sort of nitpicking truth twisting monster.

What I have done for the last few months is when she says something awful is I just openly cry… like 😭 😭 😭
she then gets tight lipped, wipes down a sideboard in my kitchen gets a bit sniffy and tells me to stop making a fuss and she didn’t mean anything by it.
But… I know I have made my point and the number of weird incidents is reducing

Are you familiar with ‘btch eating crackers’? It’s when someone annoys or frustrates you so much that even when they aren’t actually doing anything objectionable, you’re still on edge and basically thinking ‘look at that btch, eating crackers like she owns the place’. That might be what is happening here.

Your mum doesn’t sound like the sort of person with whom you can address conflicting communication styles, so I’m afraid you’re going to have to grow a thicker skin. Ignore, pull up when you can’t ignore, if she cries then let her cry. I’m sorry, I know this sounds like a thoroughly unpleasant solution, but I’m not sure there’s another one.

It seems like she doesn't realise she's doing it? Hence why she gets upset when you retaliate. I would guess she possibly thinks you are overly sensitive and if db doesn't say anything this will only back this up. Is it also possible your hackles are up at the start of the conversation because your ready for something? My mum could be critical and cutting at times but extremely sensitive to anything said in return. I managed it by biting my tongue and letting a lot go and my sister would snap back. Neither solved the issue I think it was just part of who my mum is. I did have the better relationship with her but there was a lot of compromise on my part!

@Totalwasteofpaper

I love my mother and she is generally nice and normal.

She has been BIZARRE during my pregnancy and I really resonate with some of the stuff you have written here.
Telling me my arse is “massive”… I am “massive”. “Don’t be stupid you’ll do x not y”

I used to try and raise it sensibly (ie calmly with good boundaries) and she’d turn it around so I was some sort of nitpicking truth twisting monster.

What I have done for the last few months is when she says something awful is I just openly cry… like 😭 😭 😭
she then gets tight lipped, wipes down a sideboard in my kitchen gets a bit sniffy and tells me to stop making a fuss and she didn’t mean anything by it.
But… I know I have made my point and the number of weird incidents is reducing

That's so manipulative- I love it 😂😂 if it's a recent thing could it be her hormones?

@notyouagainn
Thank you
Don't think its hormones as she is almost 70!
My DH gets on with her really well usually and her behaviour has blown his mind as she is normally so kind thoughtful and lovely.

Pregnancy and weddings bring out people's crazy... we are hoping normal service resumes when baby arrives. 😂😂😂

Im sorry I know this works for you but I think that's how some basically nasty people get away with things, 'it's just part of who she is' and 'critical and cutting at times but extremely sensitive to anything said in return' so has basically learned that they can be horrible but it's OK as they turn on the tears so everyone walks on eggshells around them but has to put up with their behaviour?

@FinallyFluid

She has no filter, My Mother once told me during a discussion about osteoporosis between my self and my sisters that I would be OK because I was so fat, I countenanced with your boobs have all but disappeared are you having anything done with them ?

She she said how dare you be so personal, I replied touche, the next time she was personal I asked her in company how her sex life was doing now she was in her seventies, she clammed up and now filters her comments to me.

Genius. Love this.

OP I have a mother wth little or no filter. Someone wise once told me something so I am sharing it with you! Every action does not require a reaction. Meaning when she starts choose whether you need to respond or ignore, I seem to spend my life ignoring but although this may sound like I am weak I feel I am not, it gives e strength and power because I refuse to rise to her.it makes me better than her by ignoring and not feeding into her dramas, Hope this helps a bit.

Also she doubly looses out because she only gets to know what I want her to know and thats not a lot so she has no chance to comment on stuff and offer her opinions cos she is kept well out of anything well most things actually!

Putting aside this comment - which does not sound unreasonable to me - just the sort of thing my family might have said to me when I was pregnant and looking like a beached whale - you cannot stop your mum making comments that you deem offensive, but you can change how you react to them.

You could try laughing it off - "Well, thanks a bundle!"

We all have this image of what a Mum should be and I am sure that 99% of Mums fail to live up to this. Your Mum does not fit your image of what she should be, but honestly I do not think her comment was offensive.

I get it op, my parents are constantly critical (and compliment me too) but it is so draining. I understand that they think they're being helpful and they do it with the best of intentions but it just feels like you're constantly being judged.

It makes being together a bit of an ordeal which is a shame because they have a good heart and have helped and supported me all my life.

jesus christ!

i'd never for a second tell a pregnant woman she looked huge!
never.

not even my sister, who i know wouldn't care anyway.

it's just unbelievably unnecessary.

have none of you ever heard of the phrase "if you can't say something nice, don't say anything"?

of course OP's mum is doing it deliberately.

i'd wager that it's about asserting herself amongst her family of grown-ups, where she is feeling less of an influence than when you were children (and when you'd never have dreamt of calling her out on her criticisms).

i'd say to continue to call her out. and if she gets upset, remind her that if she doesn't like being called out on negative comments, she can always keep them to herself.