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Original poster

Can someone explain the pick me dance to me

26 replies

Peppapigforlife · 16/01/2022 17:43

I think my ex is trying to do this to me. We hadn't spoken for six months and I had no intention of talking to him again and then he got back in touch before Christmas. I gave into the talks because I was a bit stressed out and lonely about some stuff. After a couple of weeks of chatting he announced that he couldn't sleep one night because 'a girl got his heart'. Then he sent me a photo of the two of them together. After that I deleted his number and didn't reply. A couple of weeks later he message me on Instagram to ask me how I was. Since then he's been texting regularly asking me how I am and telling me how amazing what we had was and that I'm amazing etc and also dropping this girl and their situation into the conversation.
Is he doing the pick me dance or just leaning on me to support him through a new relationship? If this is the pick me dance, could someone explain it clearly to me , so I know exactly what he's up to.
Obviously if he does this again I'm going to block him but I did entertain the conversations for a bit because I wanted to have my say about how he treated me over our break up and that it wasn't cool and now I've said it I'm not going back there, and just want to process and get proper closure.

OP posts:
Tillymintpolo · 16/01/2022 17:45

He’s trying to make you jealous. Block, and don’t give him another thought

Didimum · 16/01/2022 17:46

The ‘pick me dance’ is when someone is cheated on and they try to convince their partner to pick them over their affair partner. Sounds like your ex is just messing with you because he’s bored and it gives him entertainment.

legalseagull · 16/01/2022 17:47

It's not the 'pick me' dance - as YOU would have to be the one trying to get his attention away from the other woman. He is however trying to make you jealous. Even if he is trying to get your support it's massively inappropriate and selfish

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 16/01/2022 17:47

No, he's not doing the pick me dance, rather he is trying to make YOU do the pick-me-cha-cha so you think you have a chance of HIM picking YOU.

He is trying to set you up in competition with this other woman, making you try hard so he chooses you. Not for you to choose him. He's not in a competition but he is trying to make damn sure you are.

It's all about making him feel good about himself. Block him and keep him blocked. Send him packing.

Original poster
Peppapigforlife · 16/01/2022 17:48

It's weird, he has no reason to make me jealous as he finished with me and I've never rubbed a new relationship in his face or made him aware of anything since.

OP posts:
EIIa · 16/01/2022 17:48

He’s trying to make you jealous.

The lag time somebody did that to me I dumped them moved to london band never spoke to them again. I know you’re not 23 but that’s the sort of nuclear response you need: he sounds like a dick.

Honestly... the older I get the more I hate them.

Original poster
Peppapigforlife · 16/01/2022 17:50

That's what I meant, is he trying to make me go out of my way to convince him to pick me instead?

OP posts:
ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 16/01/2022 17:52

@Peppapigforlife

It's weird, he has no reason to make me jealous as he finished with me and I've never rubbed a new relationship in his face or made him aware of anything since.
He may also be doing the same with this other woman. My friend has been talking to someone online for nearly six months (never met, whole other story there) and he keeps blocking her and coming back, then telling her about how he can't get over the ex, then someone else is interested in him, then he blocks her for a week, then comes back, because he knows she is a mug and hangs on his attention.

It's because they are pathetic and it makes them feel great to think women are competing over them.

MyCatHatesEverybody · 16/01/2022 17:54

He might be, but it's not the pick me dance. In the pick me dance the balance of power lies with the dumper, not the dumpee.

I think in your case he just wants to stay in your head for an ego boost.

Mermaidwaves · 16/01/2022 17:55

The pick me dance is where you are competing for a man against another woman and it's often subconscious. It's also often a betrayed wife does it when she discovers an OW, again usually subconsciously.

You panic and let them get away with treating you like shit in the hope that he 'picks you' I'm ashamed to say I've danced to this tune a few times and its never worked out.

He wants you to do this so your best option is to not engage in way at all. Just delete him from your life.

Original poster
Peppapigforlife · 16/01/2022 17:56

Well he knows I wouldn't compete, because his ex harrassed me once and that's when I stopped speaking to him completely and walked away. But yes now it makes sense. She chased him desperately and I never did and now he's trying to find a way for me to chase him, or using his new situation as a chance for me to chase him. Jokes on him though cos I encouraged him to give this relationship a go, the last time he brought it up.

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 16/01/2022 17:56

You made a mistake ending the no contact: go back to that!

Whatever his motivation, his behaviour is crap, avoid!

You say you want to say more to him about the break up and/or his past behaviour. The time for that has passed and you’re unlikely to get a response you’ll like. ‘Process’ things another way!

bowlingalleyblues · 16/01/2022 17:57

He’s not interested in having a relationship with you, but he wants you ti like/want/need/desire him. Maybe he’s insecure with this new partner and wants more attention from them so is trying to attract your attention to him - I can’t see anything in it for you though.

Ladybugzrock · 16/01/2022 17:57

No it’s not the ‘pick me dance’ this refers to a betrayed in a cheating triangle bending over backwards to keep the cheat, by whatever means. It’s the ‘don’t pick the affair partner, pick me, I’m better’.

He’s just trying to make you jealous. Block him.

Original poster
Peppapigforlife · 16/01/2022 17:58

His ex chased him, I mean.

OP posts:
Paddingtonthebear · 16/01/2022 17:59

Could be playing mind games with you. Or just completely insensitive to your feelings and thinks you can be friends now a certain period of time has passed. Either way, he dumped you and he’s with someone else now so unless you truly want to be friends I would just stop any contact.

GrannytoaUnicorn · 16/01/2022 18:01

He sounds extremely immature. Shockingly so.

crumpet · 16/01/2022 18:02

He’s trying to make you do the pick me dance, so he can feel that he has both of you interested in him. He just wants to to feed his ego

Original poster
Peppapigforlife · 16/01/2022 18:04

@Loopytiles I did get a good response actually and it helped me get perspective on things. He said he broke up with me out of jealousy as I was couch surfing with a group of people at the time (another country) and I had had a one night stand with one of them a long time before I met him and had no intention of anything happening again. He was still insisting that I was in the wrong for staying there and I confronted him and said 'and you've never trusted me since', he said 'yeah'. So it made me realise a few things about his jealousy which helped me to let go.

OP posts:
Original poster
Peppapigforlife · 16/01/2022 18:21

I've just blocked him on WhatsApp and social media.

OP posts:
Cakecakecheese · 16/01/2022 18:32

He is probably after an ego boost.

Well done for blocking him.

ChargingBuck · 17/01/2022 16:27

Is he doing the pick me dance
Yes - although he's conducting, & egging you & current g/f on to do the dancing.

or just leaning on me to support him through a new relationship?
WTF?!!
I know, I know. We've all been there. Getting over a guy, then he reels us back in. But for crying out loud - YOU DO NOT OWE HIM SUPPORT!

See you've blocked him now. Well done you :)
He's a gameplaying twat, & I can guarantee that he presents you to current g/f as "the one that got away" & hints that you'd take him back ... so she'd better stay on her toes, ready to dance for him ...

Original poster
Peppapigforlife · 17/01/2022 16:32

@ChargingBuck thank you! I think you're right. He's even presenting me to myself as the one that got away 'what we had was amazing' 'i wish I'd spent more time with you' etc etc.
I'm glad he is blocked and mourning the loss of the close connection I thought we had but my head will be a lot better off without the constant 'hey how are you' messages.

OP posts:
ChargingBuck · 17/01/2022 16:38

I'm glad he is blocked and mourning the loss of the close connection I thought we had

Make sure you allow yourself proper time for that mourning.
Finding out that someone we are emotionally invested in isn't who we thought/hoped they were is a small form of bereavement. Make time for proper self-care, happy distractions, & short periods of reflection.

But well done again - you are so much better off removing yourself from his orbit. You are a bit player in his manufactured drama, he is happy to play with your head in order to massage his own ego. He's a twat, & you are - as is obvious from the insight in your posts - emotionally intelligent, grounded, & frankly too good for him.
Flowers

layladomino · 17/01/2022 17:11

Well done for blocking him. You know he isn't genuine. If he had any real feelings for you he wouldn't have done what he's done. I expect he just wants to boost his ego by proving that when he whistles you'll come running. He might be trying to make his gf jealous - if you respond he can say 'My ex has been in touch. I could go back to her any time I want'.

Whatever his reasons, you know he's not a good bf and that if you went back to him you would regret it. So why feed his ego and extend the pain and misery he brings? Keep him blocked and forget all about him.

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