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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Don't enjoy weekends as much as the weekdays as I have to spend more time with H

40 replies

pompomsgalore · 16/01/2022 11:41

We've been married for 4 years and together for 8. Two young children and I'm a SAHM which I love. H works form home.

My issue is that weekends are not as enjoyable as the weekdays. I prefer being in my routine just me and the kids and a couple of playgroup meetings.

When the weekend comes and H gets added in the mix I feel stressed and irritated by him. I like the idea of nice family time but the reality doesn't match up.

Is there anyone else out there like this?

OP posts:
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 16/01/2022 11:46

I like routine, and when on mat leave did find it odd having to adust to the changes of having dh home.

Is it worth establishing a good weekend routine that involves him doing something alone with the dc too?

So every Saturday am he takes them swimming or soft play, theb everyone do something together in the afternoon

Sundays a day out to the beach or farm or similar then a movie

pompomsgalore · 16/01/2022 11:55

That a really great idea. I definitely think it's the lack of routine that's making things worse and also I'm never alone in the house.

OP posts:
EarthSight · 16/01/2022 12:15

There's a lot of information missing from your post so I'm unable to make a clear assessment.

Do you get annoyed just being around your husband (because you've fallen out of love with him maybe)?

Is your husband one more thing you have to attend to on outings? Is he proactive and interested, or is he grumpy and and stresses out easily regarding small issues which means outings are stressful because of his behaviour?

Are you the one who needs to have everything exactly their own way, and if you don't, you end up blaming the other person or avoiding them? How much tolerance do you have in not being 100% in control? Do you value his opinions on things? Is it you who gets stressy and makes a big deal because he's done something that's slightly different to how you would do it?

EarthSight · 16/01/2022 12:16

I definitely think it's the lack of routine that's making things worse

If you this inflexible to a change in your route, then I actually feel a bit sorry for your husband.

hivemindneeded · 16/01/2022 12:26

When DC were small DH and I used to plan weekends and break them down into 4-hour chunks of time. We'd each get one chunk to ourselves, to go off alone to the gym or shops or meet with friends. We'd have one chunk as a date, get a sitter in and go out together. Then a chunk of time where each of us took one DC as that was always easier than having both - one parent takes one DC swimming, the other does the supermarket run etc. One chunk was spent together doing household chores and admin and prep for week ahead, and then two chunks were for family together time - a day out or visit to relatives or two half days.

It really helped to end that feeling you describe.

pompomsgalore · 16/01/2022 12:50

@EarthSight

There's a lot of information missing from your post so I'm unable to make a clear assessment.

Do you get annoyed just being around your husband (because you've fallen out of love with him maybe)?

Is your husband one more thing you have to attend to on outings? Is he proactive and interested, or is he grumpy and and stresses out easily regarding small issues which means outings are stressful because of his behaviour?

Are you the one who needs to have everything exactly their own way, and if you don't, you end up blaming the other person or avoiding them? How much tolerance do you have in not being 100% in control? Do you value his opinions on things? Is it you who gets stressy and makes a big deal because he's done something that's slightly different to how you would do it?

Yes you are right I typed a quick message leaving any useful information out!

He is much more of a glass half empty type of person and that drags me down if I'm honest.
I do like being in control of my day and arrangements as things run smoothly. When H is involved he makes half arrangements, wants to check on the weather before making decisions and I suppose I don't like the vagueness off that.

He gets stressed and it's just not pleasant to be around. I find he's quite critical of me and again that wears me down.

Having said that we aren't in LTB territory we just need to find a way to make the weekends better for everyone and I think that means spending less time together.

OP posts:
Umbella · 16/01/2022 13:16

It sounds like you might need to compromise a little.

I think as SAHP it's easy to feel that your way of doing things is the right way- as you say, to be in control of your day and arrangements as things run smoothly. So when your husband wants to do things differently at the weekends it feels like he's challenging the way you do things and doing so from a position of ignorance, given that you're the one who does it all day in day out. But I really, really feel you need to resist those feelings- it is his home as well and he needs to be an equal partner, which means that you both need to compromise sometimes, even if it means things don't run as efficiently. I don't think it's fair to criticise him for things like wanting to check the weather before making decisions- it's just a different approach, not a worse one- and while his way shouldn't always prevail, neither should yours.

It's easy to slip into feeling that you have lovely weeks with your DC and your weekends would be lovely too if only your partner would just clear off, but it isn't a plan that will work in the long term and it isn't fair on your partner. I doubt he feels his weekend would be better for spending less time with you and DC. I was really struck by you saying "I prefer being in my routine just me and the kids and a couple of playgroup meetings"- there is no space for your partner in this at all, whatever he is like.

Comedycook · 16/01/2022 13:18

When I was a sahm to young DC,I absolutely preferred weekdays to weekends. I found life ran a lot smoother when only I was in charge! I preferred and still do, doing things my way. I'm more efficient alone!

Iamblossom · 16/01/2022 13:22

I used to feel the same. Dh was fairly useless when my boys were small if I am brutally honest. I never used to understand my friends saying how much they were looking forward to the weekends and having their husbands around to share the loads, cos mine just... Didn't really. I still did all the child related stuff. I enabled this clearly so not moaning about it, it just was like this.

DH is much better these days now our boys are teens and he is able to relate to them more and see what needs doing. But I basically did the lion's share from birth to about 11 or 12.

EarthSight · 16/01/2022 13:40

I do like being in control of my day and arrangements as things run smoothly. When H is involved he makes half arrangements, wants to check on the weather before making decisions and I suppose I don't like the vagueness off that

Some of your pour post reminds me a lot of a thread that was on here a while ago. Don't remember the exact situation but it was something to do with the fact that if one person had planned on going out somewhere, they would go out no matter what. No matter how miserable or rainy it was - all that mattered was sticking to plans as it really aggravated them to change at the last minute.

I'm afraid you will have to accept that on days that he is around, you will need to compromise. I do understand the need to make solid arrangements - it helps avoid wasting time and it important especially if you are somewhere unfamiliar, like when you're going on holiday somewhere you've never been before.

However, spending the weekend doing fairly familiar things is different. I don't think it's unreasonable to take a more casual approach to the day. Obviously, if you've made plans to meet up with one other person, you don't want to leave them there by themselves or mess them around by being late, but other than that, I think you could afford to take a more leisurely approach.

wants to check on the weather before making decisions

Checking the weather is an entirely sensible thing to do before doing an outdoor activity. If you've planned a family outing at the park, do you still want to go even if it's raining. Wouldn't you rather wait and see? Is there a reason why you can't come up with a Plan B if it looks like the weather's going to be less than ideal?

If not, I would start to wonder if your inflexibility is the result of not being to tolerate any kind of uncertainty, even sensible ones. I'm not sure I can advise you on what to do with that because some people's characteristics are pretty innate. Maybe someone more similar to you could advise better?

I would start by assign him a task that you both agree he is responsible for on days out, like packing the bag, and try not to change it. He might fail to bring everything the first few times but if he can hold down a job, I am sure he can manage to remember everything eventually. Try to resist having a go at him or being huffy if he doesn't get everything right the first few times.

He is much more of a glass half empty type of person and that drags me down if I'm honest

This seems to be a general problem that's wider than just days out. A wet blanket is enough to ruin a lot of people's day. Was he always like that? Have you simply become less tolerant to it as the years go on, as happens to many couples?

EarthSight · 16/01/2022 13:40

Some of your post*

Comedycook · 16/01/2022 13:43

@Iamblossom

I used to feel the same. Dh was fairly useless when my boys were small if I am brutally honest. I never used to understand my friends saying how much they were looking forward to the weekends and having their husbands around to share the loads, cos mine just... Didn't really. I still did all the child related stuff. I enabled this clearly so not moaning about it, it just was like this.

DH is much better these days now our boys are teens and he is able to relate to them more and see what needs doing. But I basically did the lion's share from birth to about 11 or 12.

Yes same here...I did everything. Dh never cooks or cleans..when the DC were little he never took them out by himself. To be honest, having him at home just meant an extra person for me to cook for and clean up after
EarthSight · 16/01/2022 13:44

He gets stressed and it's just not pleasant to be around. I find he's quite critical of me and again that wears me down

Urgh....no wonder you don't want him around!

Having said that we aren't in LTB territory we just need to find a way to make the weekends better for everyone and I think that means spending less time together

I think that's really said OP. Your solution is to not be around him as much :( Yes, on a practical level, I can see how that would work, but on an emotional or marital level, it's just sweeping problems under the rug.

TopTabby · 16/01/2022 13:59

My dh worked some weekends as well so that gave me a reason to build routine into the weekend. Not sure how old dc are but I found clubs on Saturday morning perfect. Dancing, sport, craft whatever. Home, lunch, shopping in the local town if we needed anything. Sundays if dh was home I took a couple of hours to go for a run or to the gym then a park or something all together later. Plenty of time for playing but some structure. Time for dh to do something alone if he wants to.
As pp have also said, a loose routine is definitely needed & talk about it too. Mention on Thursday evening what you're thinking of doing, that gives him a chance to add ideas too (if he has any!)
Sometimes we're just too efficient because we have to be!

FusionChefGeoff · 16/01/2022 14:45

Yes to finding a Daddy activity on Sat and / or Sun mornings. Absolute heaven to wave them off to rugby tots / soft play / the park and just listen to the sound of silence after the door closed!!!

pompomsgalore · 16/01/2022 16:03

@Umbella reading your comments makes me see that it is an awful thing to say and if the tables were turned and he said he didn't want to see us at the weekends I'd be hurt.

I can't help how I feel though. There is a compromise to be found I'm sure. Like packing the three of them off for an hour or so to his mothers to kill two birds with one stone.

@EarthSight I like a break from the old routine as much as the next person but I think his vague plans and then last minute rushing drive me mad. I am efficient and obviously do the parenting all week. Our weekly routine is worked around meals and nap times and things work well. H doesn't factor these things in.
When I mentioned the weather checking I meant in a way that adds a level of procrastination to the already loose plans.

There are lots of positives to our relationship and his parenting. He isn't useless. I don't do everything and he does pull his weight.

I just don't enjoy his company all the time and I find that a worrying place to be in a marriage. We are both exhausted from parenting two little ones and that takes it's toll on a marriage. I'm hoping that's a short term issue.

OP posts:
pompomsgalore · 16/01/2022 16:09

@FusionChefGeoff

Yes to finding a Daddy activity on Sat and / or Sun mornings. Absolute heaven to wave them off to rugby tots / soft play / the park and just listen to the sound of silence after the door closed!!!
Even two hours of peace would be incredible to recharge. I love my own company but don't have any opportunity to grab a minute. It's making me irritable.
OP posts:
EarthSight · 16/01/2022 18:23

I agree with one of the posters in him taking the kids out for 2 hours every week, at least. That might help. I can understand why you are worried you are not enjoying his company.

pompomsgalore · 16/01/2022 18:40

I feel a bit bad asking him to go out for a bit when he's worked all week and needs some down time too.

But then I think he works flexi hours so for all I know he could be having an hours rest here and there whilst I'm out with the kids and then works back the hours in the evening.

OP posts:
frozendaisy · 16/01/2022 18:49

I know it's not the job the female to fix the male, but, sounds like you and your H are having no fun with your little ones at the weekend.

I didn't believe it when I used to get told but they are little and cute for such a small period of your life you need to "encourage" him not to miss it. There is no turning the clock back.

My H was working, out of the house but still, many hours a week, not home until 7pm if we were lucky.........and he wanted 'down time' but that didn't happen until he had 'danced', 'read', 'bounced' 'be train driver'

Yeah we were shattered, the house was a tip, but life was fun.

It's messy treasured moments that make life colourful. Try and find your mojo. Have fun with the kids baking, see if H joins in. Don't overthink it.

pompomsgalore · 16/01/2022 19:03

@frozendaisy that's good advice and I think that's a lot of the issue. I have loads of fun with the girls and really love being with them (as well as being tired, stressed and exasperated at times like a normal human). H just gets stressed and I'd rather not be around that

OP posts:
felulageller · 16/01/2022 19:05

You need days where you just go off and do your own thing.

Do you never go and meet friends at the weekend? Go to an un child friendly place?

Have a lone day at least once a month.

pompomsgalore · 16/01/2022 19:11

@felulageller

You need days where you just go off and do your own thing.

Do you never go and meet friends at the weekend? Go to an un child friendly place?

Have a lone day at least once a month.

I never do that.

What if I like it too much?!

OP posts:
MoreThanNotion · 16/01/2022 20:02

I feel like this op but I have relationship issues and I'm not in a position to make dramatic changes yet.

During the week (whilst dcs at school), I feel I can get out of the house - just time for myself and I feel so much better not having to consider anyone else (menopausal and this is a real struggle). I make this time for myself and do minimal housework - some but not enough housework and yes, having experienced this alone time, I feel there is never enough!

Enivitably I end up with loads of washing at the weekend and if I don't catch up with things during the week some cleaning too. Enter covid and bad weather and we don't have many places to go and no family to visit as they live hundreds of miles away so can't just pop and see them to break things up a bit.

Up until recently, I have always been the instigator - suggesting let's go here or there, I've lost momentum and my husband isn't good at thinking of places to visit and if he takes the children out, he is usually back within the hour. I've realised he has very much relied on me to arrange things. The weekend does feel very much like groundhog days especially with younger children. However, I'm thinking of arranging an activity on the weekend for one of my dc as someone has suggested which will break up the routine a bit. On the flip side of this, I'm sure the working week feels a bit like groundhog day for many.

Unfortunately, I like my lone time too much (I think largely attributed to the menopause). The weekend arrives and everyone is around. I'm feeling guilty right now because I don't feel present enough for my dc. Feeling very overwhelmed by life issues and hormones. I do however, make time to take dc out individually from time to time...hopefully, look to do this again once covid eases a bit.

MoreThanNotion · 16/01/2022 20:02

Sorry for the epic post!

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