Overcoming retroactive jealousy

[Itwasagoodideaatthetime]

I've been in a relationship with an amazing man for 4 years. In most areas, everything is perfect, he is a great lover, we travel really well together, I really enjoy spending time with him. He's caring, thoughtful, a brilliant Dad, really involved with his own kids and is a fantastic role model to my children.

Here's the but..... he suffers from OCD and specifically retroactive jealousy. He is seeing therapists, talking to people about it and has joined support groups but there is this constant issue in that he is highly anxious and constantly asks intrusive questions about my sexual past. I know this comes from his own insecurities but it's getting to the point where it's really impacting our relationship. We've spent the evening together tonight, had a lovely evening, nice dinner, wine, went to bed and then after he starts asking questions about my previous relationship again, I try to deflect it and remind him how much I love him and then he confesses that he's looked on my laptop when I lent it to his daughter to do some homework and found an old video of me having sex with my previous boyfriend who he obsesses about. He has invaded my privacy before and looked at my phone and found this same video, (around 2/3 years ago) at the time he was distraught, I was mortified, (and angry he'd been snooping) but it was only on there as I had forgotten it was there. I'd never looked at it again after it was made it. I deleted it immediately from my phone and assumed it was just gone forever, well apparently not from the laptop ( I assumed it was gone but iCloud had it saved on my laptop. I WISH I had realised and deleted it from everywhere) But, he's deliberately gone looking for this again on my laptop rather than me leave it somewhere he would find it. It's my own laptop. I trust him with all my passwords. We don't live together or share devices.

We're both divorced and we both had pretty crappy marriages and in every other way he is perfect and we are really happy but this feels like such a big thing that we constantly argue about. He is fixated with how much sex I have had in past relationships, did I fancy them more, was I more horny, why did I want to have that type of sex in the past or that frequently but not as frequently with him. We have a brilliant sex life, it's regular, varied, we experiment. I honestly don't feel he's got anything to complain about!

I'm now at my wits end. I don't feel like this is ever going to go away. I love him so much but his OCD /retroactive jealousy is making me wonder if we are ever going to be happy. We've been together for 4 years and this is the only thing we argue about. Has anyone had any experience of a partner with Retroactive Jealousy, does it get better, can he overcome it?

If you want to stay with him then I would tell him that you need a break.

He needs to sort himself out with therapy first. It is simply unacceptable to treat you like that.

Has his therapist ever spoken to him about the damage that men with these issues cause to their partners with their constant questioning and so on? Has he ever acknowledged that he is causing emotional harm to you with this or is everything about him and his feelings?

You'll be listening to his nonsense for years on end.

He's not amazing and your bar low.

Retroactive jealousy is just yet another fancy term for obsessive unpleasant behaviour towards a partner.

Stay with him if you want but dont expect him to change so your best bet is to find a way to bear it.

He is fixated with how much sex I have had in past relationships, did I fancy them more, was I more horny, why did I want to have that type of sex in the past or that frequently

Life's way too short

I think taking a break while he works on it is a good suggestion. It doesn't sound like it's gotten better in the time you've been together? Is he trying everything he can? Different therapies, different medications, taking full responsibility for his behaviour every time?

I'd tell him beforehand, but I'd wouldn't be discussing past relationships or past sex life with him anymore. You cannot possibly reassure him enough and too much reassurance can actually have the opposite effect. I'd think of a stock reply, like , "We both know you're asking because of your anxiety, nothing has changed, you're the person I love. Discussing the past doesn't help either of us, so that's all I'm saying." Then any further questions replies are along the lines of, "I've already said everything I'll say on that," shut it down. It's a variation on a technique we've been told to use with anxious DD, as big explanations and multiple reassurances don't actually help. I expect you could come up with a better tailored response, but I'd start shutting this behaviour down. The focus needs to go back on him, what is he doing to fix this, what is he doing to make sure his mental health issues don't damage your relationship, what steps does HE need to take to get these anxieties under control and stop asking these questions. The work has to be done by him, there is nothing you can do or say that's going to make this ok.

If you want to stay with him you have to stop engaging 100% with any questioning, and, if I’m honest, not allow him any of your passwords of on any of your devices. Reassurance seeking, and receiving it, is a WELL established feeder of anxiety. It does not help, it only exacerbates the condition. If he’s not actively trying to stop reassurance seeking then his therapist isn’t doing a good job and he needs to find another. You’re not his therapist, so after telling him (a reasonable amount of times) that you love him and never in response to his reassurance seeking, direct him to write down his intrusive thoughts in a diary of some form so he and his therapist can identify his triggers.

It isn’t t going to go away. You are going to get this over and over and over again.
Only you can decide if it’s a deal dreamer or not.

God that sounds intolerable! You've been dealing with this for 4 years?!

Maybe it would be helpful for you to go to one of his therapy sessions if he's happy. Explain there (again) how it impacts you, and the therapist may be able to help you both set ground rules for moving forwards.

Ultimately though, ask yourself this. If he never overcomes this, are you happy to spend potentially the rest of your life justifying yourself and reliving moments from your past relationships. That's what you'd be signing up for and it sounds fucking abusive.

This sounds bloody awful, you can't continue to suffer with his insecurities.
Everyone going in to subsequent relationships have to understand that intimacy you share will have been shared multiple times with previous partners. That's just how it is, it's none of his business simple as that. It is unfortunate that he's seen these sex videos as it just feeds his insecurities and obsession.
He's not going to forget what he saw anytime soon either.
Question is how to move forward, it does sound like you would like to.
In order to do so he has some serious ubdertakings and work to do on himself. Unless he's prepared to do so and to not mention your past again then there's really no future for you both I would say.

To a certain extent.
It was very damaging to our relationship. I gave DP an ultimatum. If it happened again we were finished. He had to keep a lid on his issues around this without involving me. I meant it.
He did stop and many years later commented that my ultimatum had been helpful. You have to stop seeking reassurance with intrusive thoughts OCD.
Unfortunately our DD also experiences this type of anxiety and to some extent you do have to be firm with your own boundaries..

You need a break from him. I know you feel that with his OCD he can’t help how he is behaving but the video that seems to have kicked it all into high gear was not something that he found by accident, he went actively looking for something on you personal laptop that he could use against you. If it was not this video it would be something else, soon it will be something else. You have not mentioned if he is helping himself with therapy or
medication, if he isn’t it may be that he thinks you are in the wrong for having partners before meeting him. I am not a LTB person but I am not sure anyone should be expected to live how you have been long term.

I think @SportsMother has summed it up rather well tbh.

Thanks all for the comments. He does recognise it’s upsetting and damaging to me too. He’s apologised this morning and said he is going to work really hard with the therapy to overcome it.

I’m going to be really firm with not engaging with the questions. An ultimatum is a good idea.

He is having therapy and reading books etc and is on an online forum so he is trying to do something about it.

I suppose I was looking for some examples where people have overcome it. From both sides as I know it impacts men and women.

It doesn't matter why someone is abusive towards you, no reason is 'good enough' to excuse it. You seem to think that because it comes from a place of genuine mental health issues, you have some obligation to allow it and be his emotional punching bag. You don't.

He has been emotionally abusing you for four years.

He may be in therapy but until he's able to control his issues, he has no business being in a relationship with anyone.

I genuinely think it would be beneficial for you to speak to a separate professional to try to explore why you've stayed with this man who emotionally abuses you.

You say everything else is great (it's not as he's destroying the whole relationship, it just happens to be over one specific topic) but that doesn't matter really. If someone was absolutely lovely to you 364 days a year but once a year beat you up physically would you stay with them? Surely not?

He's caring, thoughtful, a brilliant Dad, really involved with his own kids and is a fantastic role model to my children.

I also think it's important to talk to a professional about this. You think a man who is emotionally abusive, constantly questions you about your sexual history, proactively seeks out information to then make you feel shit about and invades your privacy repeatedly... is a fantastic role model to your kids?! Really? You'll say to me "oh they don't see him doing all this so it doesn't affect them" but again, if he hit you behind closed doors and they never knew would he still be someone you could call a fantastic role model?

I think there's a lot more to unpack here on your side starting with ending the relationship and then working your boundaries and expectations back up to avoid this happening again.

Your children do not need someone like this in their lives - someone who regularly interrogates their mother about her previous sex life and invades her privacy. What would you tell your daughter to do if she started seeing a bloke who did those things, when she's an adult?

This 'retroactive jealousy' term really sounds like a description for a controlling abuser, this is just a name made up to justify it. This man sounds truly awful, how dare he go through your devices looking for things to punish you with! And then you have to give him reassurance and try and comfort him, no bloody way! And it's all OK because a so called therapist has given this abusive behaviour a name.

You need to consider if you really want to spend the rest of your life with a man who cant accept that you have a past, no doubt just like he has, and then spend the rest of your time apologising for it. I bet you are having to walk on eggshells to prevent upsetting him all the time right? You and your kids deserve better than that. Can this really be cured or will he find something else to control you with long term.

My advice would be to tell him it stops now. You will answer no more questions and he is not allowed to ask or seek any kind of reassurance or answer from you.
If he slips from this then - assuming that you don't live together - either he or you will leave and go home. You must refuse to engage.
He was 100% in the wrong to look up stuff on your laptop.
You can't fix this. Only he can.
The urge to do something with OCD is very strong but passes if resisted. He has to understand that the stakes for him in terms of not resisting is your relationship.

He is having therapy and reading books etc and is on an online forum so he is trying to do something about it

Thats performative.

Easy to keep on with abhorrent behaviour when you can show you're in therapy, reading books etc. I mean, so what? Therapy isnt working because he doesn't feel he's wrong. He is blindsiding you.

This "amazing" man is gaslighting and emotionally abusing you.

Just say no then. & dont answer his questions. If youre unable to detach then perhaps you can do The Freedom Programme.

But essentially even if a man is anxious, depressed, distressed, has OCD - whatever it is - its not a free pass to treat women how he likes you know

I suffer from pure OCD. You best thing to do is not indulge this. His reassurance seeking is a compulsion and part of the OCD cycle. He has no right to know, or pester you about your sexual past. You are entitled to your privacy, your past is your past and no one else's business unless you wish to share it. His behaviour is a symptom of his illness, yes, but not an excuse. Part of OCD recovery is learning to live with uncertainty. He needs to learn to live with the uncertainty and unanswered questions about your sexual past. It is not helpful to him to answer his questions and reassure him. And moreover, you absolutely don't have to, it's your business not his!

HE. IS. AN. ABUSER.

You have GOT to wrap your head around this fact. Fuck his OCD. He is abusive, end of, and you shouldn't waste another minute of your time on this man. You can't fix him, and in the meantime he will destroy your mental health. Get rid.

I listened to a book recently called brain lock about ocd by Jeffrey Schwartz . There was a chapter that described this v scenario except it was the female constantly questioning her boyfriend.

Maybe listen to it. You will never reassure him because nothing ever does for ocd. He needs to not ask the question in the same way someone obsessive about checking needs to stop checking the iron is plugged out.

In the scenario in the book the couple did work it out and went on to have a child but there was a lot of joint therapy. I wa surprised to be honest. Good Luck.

@knowinglypetty behaving in an abusive way is exactly what makes you an abuser. Otherwise you can find some excuse for pretty much anyone abusing someone else - not many people have a life with no hardships, struggles or illnesses. Those things do not negate other people's right to not be abused. It is possible to have insight into how mental illness can contribute to other people's behaviours whilst maintaining healthy boundaries and not accepting abuse because the abuser is unwell.

my ex like this. It was relentless. His jealousy about my past was pathologically obsessive. I wish I had not put up with it. It is unlikely to improve just so you know that

Stop placating him or engaging with these questions. Just put your hands up and say “STOP!” You don’t owe him any explanations and it’s not your job to make him feel better. The more you do this, the more controlling he becomes. Frankly, I wouldn’t stay.