Overcoming retroactive jealousy

[Itwasagoodideaatthetime]

I've been in a relationship with an amazing man for 4 years. In most areas, everything is perfect, he is a great lover, we travel really well together, I really enjoy spending time with him. He's caring, thoughtful, a brilliant Dad, really involved with his own kids and is a fantastic role model to my children.

Here's the but..... he suffers from OCD and specifically retroactive jealousy. He is seeing therapists, talking to people about it and has joined support groups but there is this constant issue in that he is highly anxious and constantly asks intrusive questions about my sexual past. I know this comes from his own insecurities but it's getting to the point where it's really impacting our relationship. We've spent the evening together tonight, had a lovely evening, nice dinner, wine, went to bed and then after he starts asking questions about my previous relationship again, I try to deflect it and remind him how much I love him and then he confesses that he's looked on my laptop when I lent it to his daughter to do some homework and found an old video of me having sex with my previous boyfriend who he obsesses about. He has invaded my privacy before and looked at my phone and found this same video, (around 2/3 years ago) at the time he was distraught, I was mortified, (and angry he'd been snooping) but it was only on there as I had forgotten it was there. I'd never looked at it again after it was made it. I deleted it immediately from my phone and assumed it was just gone forever, well apparently not from the laptop ( I assumed it was gone but iCloud had it saved on my laptop. I WISH I had realised and deleted it from everywhere) But, he's deliberately gone looking for this again on my laptop rather than me leave it somewhere he would find it. It's my own laptop. I trust him with all my passwords. We don't live together or share devices.

We're both divorced and we both had pretty crappy marriages and in every other way he is perfect and we are really happy but this feels like such a big thing that we constantly argue about. He is fixated with how much sex I have had in past relationships, did I fancy them more, was I more horny, why did I want to have that type of sex in the past or that frequently but not as frequently with him. We have a brilliant sex life, it's regular, varied, we experiment. I honestly don't feel he's got anything to complain about!

I'm now at my wits end. I don't feel like this is ever going to go away. I love him so much but his OCD /retroactive jealousy is making me wonder if we are ever going to be happy. We've been together for 4 years and this is the only thing we argue about. Has anyone had any experience of a partner with Retroactive Jealousy, does it get better, can he overcome it?

Yes, this man is behaving in an abusive way; that doesn't mean he's an abuser. He allegedly has a very serious and debilitating illness.

Again, OP has no obligation towards anyone, but I think - regardless of what she decides to do - he deserves some compassion. And yes, I once was with an abuser who didn't treat me well, and he had mental health issues too. In the end I couldn't help him and had to let him go, but this doesn't mean I don't think he deserves my compassion and I genuinely hope he's doing better now. *

I am sure that a huge amount of abusers have some kind of mental health issues. No one really has compassion for people with personality disorders such as NPD even though the person doesn't choose to have the disorder.
At the end of the day whether the abuse is intentional or not the other person is still being abused. Compassion keeps people stuck in these situations, waiting for the person to get better, feeling sorry for the other person and more concerned about them than about themselves.
The OP clearly has compassion for this man but she's now at her wits end.

He doesn't need compassion from random people on the internet when he is never going to read this thread, this thread is written by the victim who needs the proper advice that someone who is being abused should get.

OCD thoughts can be really, really dark and troubling for a lot of people (1-2% of population is diagnosed with the disorder) and these sorts of comments only maintain the stigma around it and keep people ashamed of their thoughts and behaviours and unable to get the appropriate treatment.

He is getting treatment and support, OP said he is seeing therapists and talking to people and in support groups!

OP hasn't said anything about support she is receiving herself so we should assume that she isn't getting any support and that this thread is all she has at the moment while she is suffering this abuse.

The last thing victims of abuse need to hear is to have compassion and about how hard it is for the person who is doing the abusing. They've already suffered a lot because of that compassion. The comment might not have been directed at the OP but it was in her thread so it will influence her.

It doesn’t really matter why he’s acting like this; the fact is that it’s all unacceptable behaviour invading your privacy.

I hope you’ve broken up with him now op

@user1481840227

Yes, this man is behaving in an abusive way; that doesn't mean he's an abuser. He allegedly has a very serious and debilitating illness.

Again, OP has no obligation towards anyone, but I think - regardless of what she decides to do - he deserves some compassion. And yes, I once was with an abuser who didn't treat me well, and he had mental health issues too. In the end I couldn't help him and had to let him go, but this doesn't mean I don't think he deserves my compassion and I genuinely hope he's doing better now. *

I am sure that a huge amount of abusers have some kind of mental health issues. No one really has compassion for people with personality disorders such as NPD even though the person doesn't choose to have the disorder.
At the end of the day whether the abuse is intentional or not the other person is still being abused. Compassion keeps people stuck in these situations, waiting for the person to get better, feeling sorry for the other person and more concerned about them than about themselves.
The OP clearly has compassion for this man but she's now at her wits end.

He doesn't need compassion from random people on the internet when he is never going to read this thread, this thread is written by the victim who needs the proper advice that someone who is being abused should get.

OCD thoughts can be really, really dark and troubling for a lot of people (1-2% of population is diagnosed with the disorder) and these sorts of comments only maintain the stigma around it and keep people ashamed of their thoughts and behaviours and unable to get the appropriate treatment.

He is getting treatment and support, OP said he is seeing therapists and talking to people and in support groups!

OP hasn't said anything about support she is receiving herself so we should assume that she isn't getting any support and that this thread is all she has at the moment while she is suffering this abuse.

The last thing victims of abuse need to hear is to have compassion and about how hard it is for the person who is doing the abusing. They've already suffered a lot because of that compassion. The comment might not have been directed at the OP but it was in her thread so it will influence her.

I've reiterated over and over that OP has no obligation to stay with this person or support them in any way, and I would never justify someone's abusive behaviour by saying they have mental health issues. It can't be justified, it can't be condoned, but it can be understood.

OP was asking whether anyone had a similar experience and whether there was a chance for change. I had a very similar experience and there was a lot of positive change. Again, it doesn't mean OP's partner will certainly change for the better, and it doesn't mean she has to stay to wait and see if she doesn't think (for whatever reason, including of course her own well-being and mental health ) that's the right choice for her.

I came here to help and shed some light on something I have sadly come to understand all too well, that's all.

If you want to stay with him you have to stop engaging 100% with any questioning, and, if I’m honest, not allow him any of your passwords of on any of your devices. Reassurance seeking, and receiving it, is a WELL established feeder of anxiety. It does not help, it only exacerbates the condition.

This advice is spot on.

I’m appalled by some of these replies you have received. Some people really don’t understand the illness and it shows.

I have dealt with Retroactive Jealousy in my partner for a little over a year and a half. He is now on medication and has been signed up for CBT therapy which is hugely successful in people that suffer with anxiety and OCD.

Firstly I had to get some support for myself regarding OCD. In particular retroactive jealousy. Like you, it was causing a massive strain on the relationship to the point where I became spiteful. Called my partner a hypocrite numerous times. His past is way more colourful than mine so I found this mental illness extremely contradicting considering the past he’s had. I didn’t know how to handle my own emotions with it so we were constantly bashing heads.

After speaking with a support worker with OCD action, I was able to fully understand what goes on in the moment my partner has questions. In his brain (and anyone that suffers with OCD) the intrusive thought loops in their minds over and over and over again. In those moments they absolutely want to feed into the compulsion by either asking you questions to clarify their thoughts and get a temporary “fix” or they take matters into their own hands which can mean snooping. Despite the fact I have a better understanding, does that mean I have to be okay with it? Absolutely not. But I have stopped using his past against him and have stopped calling him a hypocrite. Remember, they cannot help these intrusive thoughts in the moment and it is extremely difficult for them to come back down to earth when it happens. No this isn’t an excuse to overlook crappy behaviour, but I’m talking about a mental illness here and what’s going on in the brain.

I’ve had to block my partner on social media because it got to the point he was snooping on exes pages trying to find old posts, likes and comments from years ago. He found some things and of course it triggered his OCD so I had to put the foot down with that.
There are still times I will answer some questions if the conversation can remain peaceful. However if he loses his temper at any point that is when I end the conversation and he has no choice but to deal with it himself.

I am understanding to an extent. But if you feel the need to put me down or insult me or get aggravated with me over something I don’t necessarily have to remember especially when it comes to my past then it’s your loss and you completely lose any understanding and respect from me. You absolutely have to set boundaries and if they are crossed at any point then you will get the cold shoulder and you will lose my support.

You love your partner. And I do mine. So when people say “just leave” please don’t listen to it. When people say “they’ll never change” again do not listen to it. If he’s actively seeking the help then that’s his foot in the door. One thing I will say though, is that therapy for OCD means taking the steps in your everyday life to try and not feed into the habit. If he is going to therapy for some time and is still caving into asking questions or snooping I would try and have a conversation about what’s being covered in his therapy. He should essentially be given “homework” if you like where he needs to be implementing a plan of action on flipping his thought process. If he’s still questioning you while going to therapy then I would look into that just to make sure it’s all going correctly. As his partner you should be informed to some degree of what’s being covered and I intend to do the same with my partner when he goes to CBT therapy.

I really hope this helps you. I know how disheartening it can be but I promise there is light at the end of the tunnel. If he’s seeking help it’s because he wants to get better. Do not let anyone cast doubt on your situation. We all need some positivity with things like this x

I had retroactive jealousy when younger (20s/ early 30s). I had some therapy. Jungian actually, though I didn’t know what it was at the time. I brought a dream to the therapist session and interpreted it myself with the therapist’s support. I saw in the dream my lack of self worth. Never analysed it, but I haven’t really experienced retroactive jealousy since.

But the retroactive jealousy I hadn’t demanded answers to questions from my boyfriends, mostly it was silently suffering- but it was ruining my relationships. It also wasn’t sexual but general - the idea that they were more accomplished etc than me, though I’d never even met them.

Weirdly enough I was never jealous of other women in the real-time present, only the past. The therapy was very helpful, but I think in general I have suffered from some underlying (not obvious) lack of self worth, as do many people.

I think the book/film Rebecca is a similar tale.

I'm a bit late to this thread but I was searching the internet for some help with my own retroactive jealousy and my god some of the comments on here are vile.

Let me start by saying that going through your laptop was wrong and he shouldn't have done that and I understand how frustrating and obsessive it can be.

The comments saying "leave him" and "he's abusive" without even trying to look into what retroactive jealousy is. Even someone saying that it's made up to justify abusive behaviour. You have NO IDEA, and it's only because you're lucky enough to have never had it yourself (not directed at OP).

It is completely debilitating, you become consumed by the OCD thoughts and feelings that accompany that. It's bloody terrible, most of your waking (and sleeping) life you make mental movies of your partner's past sexual encounters, it hurts, it really, really hurts. Is it your partner's fault? No of course it isn't. It doesn't stop the consuming thoughts though, it doesn't. It's an OCD, it's not rational, it's not purposeful and it's not in your control when you're really suffering with it. It's a condition that comes from a place of trauma, it does with me anyway, at least that's what my therapist has told me. It's a kind of messed up defensive mechanism that makes everything worse, not better. He has accepted it's not right, he's going to therapy, he is probably really REALLY struggling right now and anyone that's suffering from it that comes here to read these comments will probably feel like giving up on life. Just because you don't understand something it doesn't mean it's not real or it's automatically abusive behaviour because he's a bad person, women suffer from this too, lots of women do.

I've avoided relationships for so long because of this horrible condition, I've found someone I really liked and had to stop anything further from happening because I didn't want to put them or myself through it. That is hard to do, you want to believe you'll be better and get better and it doesn't always work that way.

It's truly irrational, horrible and debilitating and I would not wish it on my worst enemy. I don't do it because I judge my partner for having a past, my past is more colourful than theirs, I do it because my brain won't let me stop just as someone with a hand washing OCD can't stop washing their hands. Is that rational? No it's not either.

The idea that suddenly an OCD makes you a bad person if it's affecting someone else is not true. You can be a good person and have this horrible condition. OP said he's a good dad, a good person but it's getting too much for her and that's completely understandable and yes OP should end things if she isn't happy because of it. This does not make him BAD.

I hope no one else suffering with retroactive jealousy or any other type of ROCD comes here for help. If you are suffering and reading this, keep going and keep trying, help is out there.

If you are someone that is on the recieving end of these questions, I am truly sorry you have had to endure it, you aren't doing anything wrong if you end it and it must be very hard. Just know, it does not always make that person bad.

Say "I have a past most people do, get over it, one more boring, repetitive argument and it's over, am I making myself perfectly clear.".

And mean it.

Sounds like a fancy label for being a jealous, possessive, controlling twat.

I'd take a break from him, tell him to get counselling to sort his issues, and come back to you when he's sorted. He should not be in a relationship now.

I’m not sure what term I would use but my oh I realised through myself & therapy was invading my privacy, jealous, and had controlling behaviours. He is also in counselling. I think if you went to counselling yourself you may realise there is more to it. Maybe it’s worth thinking about your boundaries and why he is pushing them. For me oh says he can change we are now having therapy together but I’m going to be honest, I don’t trust him and I know he has lied to protect himself. Yes there are anxieties there from his past in my situation but I don’t believe that makes it ok to treat me that way. You really need to think about yourself and start putting yourself first. It really is not ok that he went looking for “that” video. I’m wondering what else he does that you may not be aware of?

You have no qualifications or experience to say that kind of thing just because you don't like the sound of it. It's an OCD condition. Horrible for both yes, it's not him doing it because he wants to or gets some kick out of it. Trust me, he is suffering like she is.

Jealousy is always retroactive. Why the fancy term? Sounds like you're trying to science your way out of a very basic problem:

Your partner is jealous and it's messing your relationship up. He's crossed your boundaries, he recognises there's an issue but he keeps doing it.

If your relationship was healthy and one of you had an ongoing issue, they'd say 'I need to sort this out on my own, because I keep hurting you, so I'm going to pull back from the relationship until I'm the person you deserve.'

A respectful partner won't just keep putting you through shit and promising to change. So, is he a respectful partner?

He has an OCD condition that he can't switch off as easily as you'd like. Why not research it before commenting?

I understand it must be so tough if you suffer from this form of OCD too, but unfortunately the root cause of abusive behaviour doesn't make it less abusive.

If someone has anger issues due to previous trauma and as a result physically lashes out at a partner, that isn't less abusive than someone physically lashing out because they have anger issues without previous trauma.

For the victim of the abuse, the abuse is just as bad. It's just tougher to leave as you feel bad for the person doing the abuse.

Hope that makes sense. I'm not trying at all to dismiss your OCD, just for you to see that people were responding to someone being emotionally abused (repeated questioning of their past, judgements of it etc) and having their privacy and dignity violated (going through her laptop without permission etc).

Many people who act abusively do so due to trauma or mental health conditions but it doesn't mean that abuse should be tolerated by a partner. It's a reason, not an excuse.

I have bipolar and if I wasn't medicated would for sure act in ways that could be emotionally harmful to a partner due to the cycle of depression and mania. Happily I'm medicated so this is not an issue for me now, but if I wasn't and I treated a partner poorly due to my MH then they shouldn't feel any more obliged to stay with me than if I treated them poorly for any other reason.