How to discipline a super sensitive toddler?

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Any slight raised tone of voice and he freezes/cries?

Really upsetting.. I've had to tell my husband to not tell him off..

Sometimes he gets really out of hand/tantrum how do we manage this with sensitivity?

Thanks

Read Phillipa Perry, The Books You Wish Your Parents Read. She is a therapist. It's about understanding and clear communication.

It’s not that you can’t tell him off. He may just be a cryer. That ok. It doesn’t mean appropriate consequences cannot happen.
Dc2 was much more moaning and prone to tantrums than dc 1. Did that mean I should give him everything he wanted? No I did not.
I agree shouting and hitting isn’t necessary but crying/being sensitive should not stop discipline.

How on earth do you think the solution is just to simply never tell him off

you can distract surely?
and gently reprimand.

It's OK for a toddler to cry if they are being told off, it's certainly not a reason to stop disciplining them full stop.

My DS is 2, sometimes he cries if he is told off or hears the word no. Its not going to scar him for life and I'd much rather he had firm boundaries and a few tears than knowing he can get away with misbehaving because me and his father are walking on egg shells to prevent upsetting him.

knowing he can get away with misbehaving because me and his father are walking on egg shells to prevent upsetting him.

This - imagine him at school - they teachers will tell him NO until he learns. He’ll be unhappy at school unless you nip this in the bud.

You can’t parent without tears. It’s going to happen. www.Ahaparenting.com has some good pointers!

You dont have to raise or shout to tell off. But you do need for him to be used to a firm and gentle telling off.

You also cannot avoid all tantrums.

Have simple clear boundaries that you stick to. When you say no stick to it and pick battles.

Tantrums are an important way of regulating emotions - stopping him having them by avoiding telling him off wont help his development..

I work with 3 year olds they generally cry when told off and it's very apparent which children don't hear it at home. I still use it though and you're doing a disservice to a child who is going to be very upset and shocked when an adult says no and means it to them.

It's because he doesn't like it and rightly so. Who likes being told off? No one - he cries because he knows he's done something he shouldn't have.

My daughter used to cry if I said "no" firmly - no shouting. Just very firmly, say if she was hitting/scratching - straight away her face would crumple and she'd cry.

It is what it is really. Some kids are just sensitive and cry when in trouble.

Dd was/is like this, it was a bit of surprise because most kids I know are either pretty defiant or compliant in the face of discipline!

I did cotton on pretty quickly that it became counter productive to tell her off in my usual way/tone, I used to describe it as a cliff edge and once she went over it there was no chance of any bringing any rationality situation.

I had to develop a new softer ‘strict tone’ and face. for tantrums my method was to explain why I was unhappy with whatever the behaviour was and then refuse to enter into further discussion about it. I made my statement eg stop doing that, no you can’t have that etc and that was it. Any further attempts to engage would be met with ‘I’ve given you my answer, did you understand it?’ so I could reword if needed.

When she was really small (2ish?) it was ‘oh dear you need to calm down’ and she would be removed from the situation and basically ignored. I would sit with her and offer cuddles intermittently but mostly just watch her without offering anything. Then when she was calm I would ask if she was ready to say sorry for xx (this could get her going again but usually because she’d realised I was disappointed in her) and I could offer to move onto the next thing. Basically you need to quite quickly show how they can ‘fix’ feeling bad about whatever once they’re calmer.

It’s really hard, but if you’re dealing with a very sensitive child I think the best you can aim for is not to exacerbate the situation and consistently show them how they can apologise and make it up.

Why don't you like upsetting him? Part of being a good parent is having to upset your children as you guide them through life. They are crying because you are stopping them doing something they want to do. That's all. Let him cry.

I would have a read of some of Janet Lansburys books/blogs/podcasts on gentle discipline. I (loosely) follow gentle parenting techniques with the children I look after as a nanny and very rarely raise my voice, the two year old I'm currently looking after is well behaved (as far as two year olds go!).
Gentle parenting/discipline doesn't mean not saying no or having firm boundaries, which is a common misconception.

Don't be frightened of being strict with your child - you won't be doing them any favours. If you make allowances because they are 'sensitive' they will learn that you can get your own way / manipulate others / get special treatment by crying. As pp have said, they will be in for a shock at school and in life generally. You will risk turning them in to that child at school who everyone knows turns on the tears when they don't get their own way. Or the adult at work who makes everything about them and their senstive emotions, and uses that to their advantage.

It's also important that they learn that other people's rules and other people's emotions are equally as important as theirs.

You say no. They don't like it, they cry. But they don't do the thing again. It's an incredibly effective discipline technique (if it works). If a child is about to run in the road, that they freeze and cry when you say a stern 'no' is perfect. It keeps them safe. It teaches them that not everything is flexible and negotiable. They need firm boundaries, they might not like them all the time, but they keep them safe. Firm boundaries are so important for children to feel safe and secure. Anxious children need to know you've got this, they are safe. And saying no is part of that. You don't do them any Favours tiptoeing around them and giving them all the power. It's not like a relationship between adults, children aren't meant to be a parents equal. For children that is scary, they need to know that somebody is keeping them safe and stopping them from hurting themselves or others. It's like being a human seatbelt. Your child is not going to like wearing it all the time. But it keeps them safe.

I second some of the gentle parenting techniques and the Phillipa Perry book already mentioned. It doesn’t mean your toddler won’t have tantrums (that’s totally normal phase that toddlers go through) and it also definitely doesn’t mean you don’t discipline them/impose boundaries but it might just help you find some different ways of communicating and help them learn to deal with big emotions.

How are you responding to his sensitivity aside from discipline? Do you respect and allow space for his sensitivity? I would focus on allowing his gentle side some space and nurture this within him, the only place he will probably find this is at home. There isn't a lot of time or space for sensitive kids at school.

@coffeeisthebest to be honest I'm doing lots of reading around it now and am coming to understand it better.. at first I thought there must be something wrong as he hates certain noises/kids parties/overstimulation- he is in nursery and I can see it's a bit too much for him.. his teacher has pointed out he is sensitive and has lots of empathy..

He has down time at home and we try keep our home environment as chill as we can, he is the only child..

It's interesting that you say school don't do well with sensitive ones :/ I hope he gets on ok.. he had a wobble at nursery the other day as he goes to eat in a lunch hall full of kids all different ages..

Any advice/tips welcomed!!

Thank you x

@Fleur405 thank you x

I know some have said 'let him cry' but we can't take that anymore - he had colic as a baby and at times fussy/hard to console toddler - me and my DH are very stressed out from all the crying we endured when he was young..

His cry is strong, loud and worrisome it's not birdsong like most kids I've heard..

It shatters nerves

It shatters your nerves because he’s your kid, if you’re worrying about what other people are thinking then don’t. I always find other people’s kids’ cries soft and dulcet compared to my own, it’s instinct.

it not just let him cry or cry it out - but if you say no or calmly and firmly say he cant do something and then he cries it is different to colic. It is an important part of development and allows him to regulate his own emotions.

You need to make sure that boundaries are clear and in place and you stick with them so he at all times is aware but you cannot protect him all the time and not allowing him the space to do it wont in the long term help

www.parents.com/toddlers-preschoolers/discipline/tantrum/10-reasons-your-toddlers-tantrum-is-actually-a-good-thing/

And no child sounds like birdsong!

My 3 year old gets 2 warnings and on the rare occasion it gets to 3 times he goes on the thinking step for a minute or 2. If he cries he cries. I don't want him learning that crying gets him out of receiving discipline, I don't think it does any child good to learn that tbh.

I know it sounds horrible written out like that but he is an incredibly loved little boy, behaves brilliantly 90% of the time and is my everything. I never left him to cry as a baby and always put him first.

@mailpal

I know some have said 'let him cry' but we can't take that anymore - he had colic as a baby and at times fussy/hard to console toddler - me and my DH are very stressed out from all the crying we endured when he was young..

His cry is strong, loud and worrisome it's not birdsong like most kids I've heard..

It shatters nerves

That's your emotional connection to him. His cry is designed to make you want to stop whatever is making him cry. Your job is to see past his tears to the bigger picture. He needs to learn appropriate boundaries to help him to thrive in the long run.

Thanks everyone I've got some work to do in terms of the boundaries setting etc.,