How to discipline a super sensitive toddler?

[mailpal]

Any slight raised tone of voice and he freezes/cries?

Really upsetting.. I've had to tell my husband to not tell him off..

Sometimes he gets really out of hand/tantrum how do we manage this with sensitivity?

Thanks

@mailpal - oh my goodness I feel like I'm reading something I wrote under a different name!
Honestly it's like someone out there understands my world! My nearly 3 year old daughter is exactly the same - super sensitive , cries lots when overwhelmed or tired , nursery is definitely an ordeal for her (though she has a close friend there and does enjoy it when she is on top form and not tied or overwhelmed )
She will always cry at me saying "big hug" "want a big hug from mummy" etc etc when she is tired or if I've told her off!! I worry about her as I don't want to mollycoddle her too much but because she is so sensitive I don't want to be hard on her !!!!

You don't need to raise your voice to reprimand your toddler, but he does need boundaries, you can set these without raising your voice.

It's ok for kids to cry sometimes. Life brings disappointments like not being allowed a second helping of crisps with your sandwich at lunch.

Children who understand their emotions grow up more emotionally resilient. More importantly he's a human who will experience negative emotions like jealousy and anger.

Allow him to feel those emotions and label them for him. You want him in future to be able to say how he's feeling rather than scream etc This is the perfect time to learn about his emotions and you're not doing him a favour if you avoid telling him off. Do you think his peers or teachers will avoid telling him off? He'll be in for a massive shock if he goes to school and isn't ok with someone telling him off or reminding him to be quiet or something.

I have 3 kids and the oldest always thought that I was spoiling the youngest because of my tone when telling off. The youngest was sensitive to loud noise so I could tell him off in a gentle voice. Raising my voice or shouting would mean that he'd not hear a word.

We discipline our kids so they can get along with others in the real world. I would rethink your decision not to tell him off. Crying when told off is very normal. There might be embarrassment because they know they broke "the rules" or anger because you moved them away from the situation. That's ok. This is the age where they need to learn how to calm down when they tantrum or get angry and nail basic rules so they can go to school/nursery. (I know that kids often behave differently away from parents so maybe it's not an issue there)

You can tell him off with out raising your voice. Just sit/crouch in front of him and speak clearly.

Some interesting replies on here…

I also recommend ‘the book you wish your parents had read’

Also recommend reading ‘there’s no such thing as naughty’ by Kate Silverton- it provides some really clear strategies for discipline using gentler techniques.

You don’t have to discipline or set boundaries by shouting or raising your voice. I’ve never raised my voice at my 3yo. In the long run things like time outs might force a child to behave but actually you’re not teaching them to manage their emotions appropriately and they’re only learning that when they’re angry/sad/emotional they will be isolated from and rejected by you, rather than actually learning to feel and manage the emotion effectively.

I still remember the sadness, confusion and isolation I felt being repeatedly sent to the ‘naughty’ step and left as a child whenever I experienced any kind of overwhelm in terms of emotion. It actually took CBT as an adult to realise the impact that it had on my self esteem and attachment growing up. It sounds small and silly, but the small things are everything to a child of that age.

I also work with a high proportion of teens with social, emotional and behaviour problems and can discipline and set boundaries well enough without ever having to raise my voice.

I also second what @cherryonthecakes says about ‘telling off’ - you can still discipline him and he might cry but it’s important to let him feel those emotions and be able to put a label to them.

I don't agree with shouting or dragging things out ever. Exception being when shouting is the only option, eg child about to run in the road. First response if it's a new situation is calmly telling a child why they can't do something, second is reminding them why they mustn't, third would be a firmer reminder and warning them of the consequences, fourth would be calmly telling them they live with the consequences. Eg going home, confiscating the toy etc. And I'm afraid if the response was tears, I wouldn't for a moment think they were sensitive, I'd just be aware they'd figured out crying excused them from the consequences.

It also means that when I do (once in a blue moon) raise my voice they are completely petrified

@mamatoizzywizzy

Bless you! I get it! How do you manage your daughter? It's such a conundrum!! Not many parents I speak with get it at all!

@Weredone great recommendations thanks for those - also you seem to have great insight into emotional issues etc with children..

I love the book 'you wish your parents read' it's amazing and I need to re read it! As it's been over a year!!

@Luredbyapomegranate

yes to this! "Just sit/crouch in front of him and speak clearly."

So simple and effective.

I found you need to tell them what to do, not what not to do, and need to explain in a very calm voice why they mustn't do something, without raising your voice. Also, agree with him as much as possible. It can sound a bit precious if other people overhear it but it works. (Also had one whose cry shatters nerves, so I completely get your need not to hear it.) E.g. if he doesn't want to hold your hand while crossing a busy road, just take his hand and say, 'I know we don't want to hold hands right now but it;s only until we are safely across the road. I need to know you are safe. That's the rules! When we get to the other side we can let go.'

Also, if a tantrum started to brew, I never used punishment, but self-soothing which is a way better system. If we feel tired and emotional, we don't feel better if people scream at us or shun us. We feel better if people give us space in a kind manner. I had a cosy chair with cuddly toys and blankets on it. If DC started screaming or being naughty I'd just say, 'You are upset and you need to let yourself calm down. Go and snuggle in the chair and as soon as you feel better come and tell me.'

If I needed them to apologise for something e.g. making a mess on purpose or being mean to each other, I would do the same and say, 'WQhen you feel ready to apologise, come back and tell me.' Sometimes DS1 would be sent back to the chair several times, but never as punishment. I;d just say in quite a sympathetic voice: 'Ah, you don't seem ready to apologise so go and snuggle again. Maybe read a book or cuddle your teddy until you feel ready.'

I know a LOT of people think this is snowflake breeding, but actually, DC had ver few tantrums as toddlers - maybe two or three each over the course of their toddler years. And they were utterly chilled but polite and appreciative teens too. Their friends always commented on how well we got on without any petty rows. I think it was due to this approach. Read the 'Positive Discipline' series by Jane Nelsen. There's one for preschoolers, one for children, one for teens.

Also slight side question, but when he is throwing a paddy / having a tantrum - do you offer a hug or let him deal with his emotions and come to you when ready??

I've been debating this with a few mum friends of mine.. it seems we're split down the middle.. some say leave them to it entirely (walk out the room) and others say bend down/offer a hug when they are ready..

It does get easier my super sensitive one is nearly 13 now!

Definitely boundaries - that do not change is a very important one in ensuring they feel safe and know where they are. Explaining as well why these boundaries are in place. Allowing choice - do not fight battles that you do not need to. Firm and calm discipline.

Recognising triggers - hungry/tired etc and adapting around them without them realising. Head off tantrums where you can and where it is within the remit of what the boundaries and expectations are.

But if they do tantrum you have to ride it out - once a No is said continue with the no.

Thinkbiglittleone

You don't need to raise your voice to reprimand your toddler, but he does need boundaries, you can set these without raising your voice.

This! I never raised my voice to my toddlers unless they were in danger, there’s no need for it especially with a sensitive child. We used to use phrases like “I don’t think that’s a good idea, come on, let’s go and play Lego/put our shoes on/get a snack” etc.

And if they keep doing the behaviour, just keep repeating the same phrases and distracting/removing him from the situation.

I really recommend The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read, How to Talk So Little Kids Will Listen and the Gentle Discipline Book. All brilliant.

@mailpal it’s great! But I would definitely recommend ‘there’s no such thing as naughty’ and ‘The gentle parenting book’ for the toddler stage.

I’ve had my serious struggles with own dd who is also sensitive (as I think I was at her age) and been on a huge journey to try and not repeat the same things which were done to me- which honestly were standard 80’s/90’s parenting things but did affect my confidence and ability to emotionally self-regulate. I’m not saying I get it right all the time- or even 70% of the time- but it’s been really insightful actually considering the real cause of tantrums and learning how to manage and deal with emotions. It’s 100% made me better at managing children and young adults (and occasionally my dh ).

I think it also helps finding at least one other mum who is on the same wavelength as you and who is honest about the struggles of toddlers and tantrums etc. That’s been a lifesaver for me on the difficult days.

@mailpal

Also slight side question, but when he is throwing a paddy / having a tantrum - do you offer a hug or let him deal with his emotions and come to you when ready??

I've been debating this with a few mum friends of mine.. it seems we're split down the middle.. some say leave them to it entirely (walk out the room) and others say bend down/offer a hug when they are ready..

whilst toddlers they are learning how to my manage those emotions.

We went down to his level and quickly told our DS that it's ok to be sad, angry, upset etc but this is not how we let them out. We wouldn't let them "tantrum" in the middle of a room of people or a shop, they would be removed and then once they calmed down explain again that's not how we display our emotions, we use our words. Then a hug.

@hivemindneeded such good advice! I’m going to check out the ‘positive discipline’ series.

Also slight side question, but when he is throwing a paddy / having a tantrum - do you offer a hug or let him deal with his emotions and come to you when ready??

I think it depends on the child. DD is 2.5 and nothing angers her more than being offered a cuddle while she’s having a tantrum. We’ve learnt to be nearby but not get involved (as long as she’s safe etc), once she starts to calm down we can offer her a cuddle but if we try too early it just sets her off again. I find the best strategy to be staying within sight and doing something she can see, literally anything (folding laundry, building a tower with her blocks, reading one of her books), she calms down quicker and comes over to get involved.

Yes I agree I think some of these things are personality dependent you need to figure out what works and what doesnt for them. DS is very much leave alone and work out himself. DD would always need me near and close

Also slight side question, but when he is throwing a paddy / having a tantrum - do you offer a hug or let him deal with his emotions and come to you when ready??

It depends on personality. With one of mine, I would talk to her when her crying started to subside and she would hug and stop crying quickly. Another needed to shout and cry until he was ready. He would not tolerate any physical contact at all. Once he'd calmed down he'd want hugs.

@Quartz2208 really useful tips here thank you x

Some great advice on here, thanks to everyone replies xx

@mailpal

Also slight side question, but when he is throwing a paddy / having a tantrum - do you offer a hug or let him deal with his emotions and come to you when ready??

I've been debating this with a few mum friends of mine.. it seems we're split down the middle.. some say leave them to it entirely (walk out the room) and others say bend down/offer a hug when they are ready..

With tantrums and paddies, show sympathy. Say, with concern, 'You sound so upset. It is a horrible feeling, being this upset, isn't it? Have a cosy chair and a blanket and snuggle up until you can calm down enough to explain what upset you.

For us, this worked like magic. Literally, it could calm a tantrum in seconds. I used it on my niece too when she had teen meltdowns and got her calm in seconds.

If the tantrum had upset me too, I would explain that I needed quiet time on my own too so I didn't get cross because there was no point in us all screaming and feeling bad. IMO it's important for even very young children to understand their parents are human and their behaviour has an effect on them.

But never, ever any punishment for having strong emotions.