Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex trying to get in touch

34 replies

justwhy22 · 15/01/2022 10:15

I woke up this morning with a facebook message request from an account I don't recognise. Its my ex, we broke up 4 years ago, or should I say, he dumped me and then went off with the OW.

It was a very difficult time for me and he knows it. I cried, I got angry, I got sad, I didn't understand how he would just 'fall out of love' for no reason.

I was completely in love with him to the point where I haven't had a relationship since. But I've been at the acceptance point for a while now and recognise there would be no going back.

At the time, he made it clear he wanted nothing to do with me and was happy swanning off with the new woman. I blocked him everywhere and that was it.

A couple of years ago, he had made a new account and tried to add me on facebook. I denied the request and blocked the account.

Now he has managed to get through on this other account. He says

'Hi x, I wanted to reach out and say hello. I was thinking of you and I wanted to say I hope you are ok'

and that is it.

My question is why do they do this? Is it to clear their consciene???

For the record we are both mid thirties. No kids.

OP posts:
RedCandyApple · 15/01/2022 10:16

They've broke up and he fancies a shag

independent98 · 15/01/2022 10:17

It's mercury retrograde, ignore it

marihen1 · 15/01/2022 10:20

My ex did this too. Left me and then years later sent a huge paragraph in my Dms of how he misses me, wants to meet up for a catch up etc. I sent back a "no thanks 😂" then blocked him. Felt so good being in control. Didn't hear from him again after that.

IVFdreams2021 · 15/01/2022 10:22

Don't reply! He wants the power!

Honey83 · 15/01/2022 10:53

Block and don't give it another thought. Before it starts to stir up any emotions in you.

There is nothing to say he is not still together with this women and just reaching out for attention. I wouldn't even acknowledge it.

Ovenaffray · 15/01/2022 10:54

Don’t reply. Block.

CamsPaisleyCuffs · 15/01/2022 10:56

No reply is the biggest message you could ever send him. Block him.

Original poster
justwhy22 · 15/01/2022 10:59

Hi - don't worry I don't intend to reply, ever. He clearly isn't sorry for the way he treated me.

My question is WHY do they do this?? After everything they've done?

OP posts:
SallyAnn32 · 15/01/2022 11:01

@justwhy22

Hi - don't worry I don't intend to reply, ever. He clearly isn't sorry for the way he treated me.

My question is WHY do they do this?? After everything they've done?

As the tiktok saying goes 'it was at that moment he realised - he fucked up' 😂
Crumbs22 · 15/01/2022 11:03

@justwhy22

Hi - don't worry I don't intend to reply, ever. He clearly isn't sorry for the way he treated me.

My question is WHY do they do this?? After everything they've done?

Because they have no shame and no conscience
ilovemybeachhut · 15/01/2022 11:03

Another for ignore and block. He's probably hoping you'll fall into his bed knowing how you felt when he dumped you and probably thinks you're still longing for him. Jog on matey.

lookingforadvice21 · 15/01/2022 11:04

It's a power thing 100% want to know they can still have you if they want you. Power and ego thing. Ignore.

litterbird · 15/01/2022 11:07

My ex did this. Sometimes its to allay all the guilt he feels from the break up. At the beginning when they swan off with the OW its all hearts and flowers and they dont give a damn about the woman they left. It takes then a while to sink in what has happened and how they behaved. You then have to look at what is going on with him in the moment. Usually they want a shag as the latest squeeze is not working out for them. At the end of the day, nothing is good about it. It will all be about him and how he thinks he can pop up in your life as an ex is easier to lay than making an effort to date someone new. This is a very common phenomena with men who up and leave. Just continue as you are and keep blocking. Dont ever think its his wretched soul wanting to plead for forgiveness...its all about the penis.

Justilou1 · 15/01/2022 11:08

These guys make me so mad! How dare they invite themselves back into your mind when you have almost erased them? It’s like they have a radar for this.
I wonder if he saw you from a distance and you looked happy and fabulous. I fucking hope so.

Itsnotdeep · 15/01/2022 11:13

it's a power thing. Just block and ignore.

Takeitonthechin · 15/01/2022 11:13

Because in their head enough time has passed that they think you will have forgotten how badly they treat you. He is probably bored or bored of the OW he went off with ( if they're are still together) and because he thinks he can just walk in and out of your life when he wants to. Plus somewhere in his head he thinks you still miss him and adore him and that you'd take him back in a heart beat. He obviously thinks he's gods gift.
Just block him and don't give him the satisfaction of a reply.

CamsPaisleyCuffs · 15/01/2022 11:17

My theory is that if he can reopen lines of communication with you, in his mind, he doesn't have to do a lot of the groundwork and hard yards that he would have to do with a new "conquest" . You're a known quantity to each other, he knows your likes and dislikes, he can save himself months of courtship because he already knows you like pink roses, Italian food, silver jewellery, silly rom coms, Charlotte Bronte, playing Minecraft, hill walking whatever...

He has all that knowledge in his arsenal already, all he has to do is persuade you he made a mistake, there's been a lot of water under the bridge, he's grown up, let bygones be bygones, you really had a great thing when you were together didn't you...

And before you know it, if they're lucky and you haven't had the sense to take the advice of a thousand women who have walked this well trodden this path before you, you're messaging, reminiscing, meeting for drinks, falling into bed...

See how it works?

LeifSan · 15/01/2022 11:17

Why? Often for these are reason ANY ex gets back in touch after a ming time - that aren’t happy for whatever reason and think they’ll try their chance to get some support/sex/ego-boost/resolution with the ex.

Particularly worse if they cheated and fucked off but they still do it! Also it’s mid-January, classic rocky time for a lot of couples after the excitement of Xmas calms down.

BootySOS · 15/01/2022 11:17

Can I say I have done this to an ex (actually two). The reason is purely selfish.
I know I rejected him and I didn't like him that much at the end of the relationship. But there was something comforting about knowing he was there and would still want me. An ego boost I think.
From time to time we have a flirty chat. Nothing more too it, I wouldn't bother pursuing it because something more interesting comes along.

It is horrible.

I am sorry you have to be subjected to this. I would definitely ignore it. Nothing positive can come from it. Don't waste your time. You are doing absolutely fine without him.

Santahasjoinedww · 15/01/2022 11:21

He wants sex. Possibly acquiring you as his ow is his thinking

Ignore. Block. Forget.

layladomino · 15/01/2022 11:48

Combination of power and ego boost I think. He might have had a slow morning, or an arguement with his OH, and wanted to fill some time / boost his ego by checking he could still get your attention if he wanted it. He may have sent messages to several people at the same time.

You clearly know he's no good for you, and are doing the right thing.

Original poster
justwhy22 · 15/01/2022 14:05

I did have a thought - by blocking him does this not look like I might actually still be hurting? As opposed to Indifferent?

OP posts:
Original poster
justwhy22 · 15/01/2022 14:06

@BootySOS Interesting. Now if you had reached out to him, and he just ignored you. What would you have thought? How would that make you feel?

OP posts:
MayThePawsBeWithYou · 15/01/2022 14:09

Reply with "who is this please"

RedCandyApple · 15/01/2022 14:23

You’re over thinking this. It just means you don’t want him to contact you anymore which is normal given the circumstances