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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What is this called?

32 replies

Keeva2017 · 14/01/2022 18:31

Dp asked me to stop at the shop on the way home. We both had busy day, I had just been to that shop (after spending about 3 hours plus in car via lots of little journeys). I say fine but walk home. I want to get kids home.

He shouts several times I’m being unreasonable, slams car door. He goes to shop and I ask him not to shout at me. I did wait for him and drive him home, I was just frustrated.

Then the way home and at home he makes sarcastic comments about be domestically bullying him by stopping him going to the shop. I just repeat I don’t want him to shout at me. He just repeats “yep, ahem” smirking at me, he tells the kids mummy is wrong. We have had this conversation many times, that I don’t want him to shout at me.

I keep trying to explain but he just laughs at me. I lose it, I feel out of control. He then laughs at me and mocks me and calls me unreasonable.

OP posts:
FrancescaContini · 14/01/2022 18:33

Abusive
Nasty

Original poster
Keeva2017 · 14/01/2022 18:33

I feel like utter shit, I scared the kids. I lost control but I feel bullied by him. I just can’t explain how.

OP posts:
LIZS · 14/01/2022 18:35

It is bullying, and abusive and manipulative.

Elieza · 14/01/2022 18:35

He’s a prick. He could have calmly asked you to please wait or whatever but he chose to shout and belittle you - and in front of dc too. Prick.

Are you thinking it’s time to leave him if he’s beginning to get violent?

Original poster
Keeva2017 · 14/01/2022 18:35

He thought I was going to hit him. I think I was close to. He just repeats in this mocking voice “ you wouldn’t stop at the shop, that’s all I wanted”

I was trying to explain, yes I should, but that doesn’t excuse shouting at me.

I feel like he knows what he’s doing?

OP posts:
Original poster
Keeva2017 · 14/01/2022 18:36

He’s not violent. I’m scared I will be.

OP posts:
layladomino · 14/01/2022 18:41

He is clearly not frightened of you being violent, as he's mocking you. In fact he is deliberately goading you so you snap and shout. He is enjoying it. He is enjoying the power it gives him. He's enjoying the fact he can guilt trip you and use it against you.

Stop reacting to him. It's what he wants. Don't give him the pleasure.

And please take steps to leave. He is abusing you. You are responding aggressively and worrying you might be violent. So it isn't working, and whoever's fault that is, this is not a good environment for children.

You will be happier away from him. He isn't treating you as someone he loves and respects.

Original poster
Keeva2017 · 14/01/2022 18:48

It used to be a fairly common tactic. Maybe twice a year, but we talked it through when calm and he was able to see how what he was doing was not right. It’s the first time he’s done it in maybe 3/4 years.

I know what you mean about the reacting, I try to be calm and reasonable, own my part it but explain what he’s doing isn’t nice but, you’re right he enjoys it. And that breaks my heart, I get upset and he pushes me, not literally again.

I have thought about leaving for different reasons before, but in the light of day they seem petty. But this is another level and there is nothing in the rest of his character that would indicate these nasty traits.

But I’m killing myself trying to address it, I know he needs to do the work, in basically chasing fog.

I’m so sad for my children, I should have just shut the fuck up and left it. I just felt he was being so unjust.

OP posts:
Suzanne999 · 14/01/2022 18:50

The mocking voice is used to try to goad you into anger.
Ditto telling the children “ mummy is wrong”
His behaviour is abusive, bullying, nasty and it’s aimed at trying to make you lash out ( verbally or physically) thereby making you the bad guy.

I’d seriously think if I really wanted to be with him for the rest of my life.

Original poster
Keeva2017 · 14/01/2022 18:54

Thank you for responding. I can’t bring myself to talk to anyone in real life.

I feel frustrated at posters on here who should clearly walk away. It’s hard. We are in the process of remortgaging, we are chipping away at debt.

But I know in my heart I wouldn’t want this for my daughter so it shouldn’t be good enough for me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Keeva2017 · 14/01/2022 18:58

I’m out the way in our bedroom and he’s just walked in asking if I’m still hiding. I replied I taking a few minutes and he replied smirking you’ve had nearly half an hour. Then walked out.

Posting on here and calmed me enough not to react. Thank you.

OP posts:
MadMadMadamMim · 14/01/2022 19:10

You are dating a twat.

Dump him. And smirk while you do it, preferably.

Honestly - he's an abusive arsehole. You'd be so much happier without him.

sadpapercourtesan · 14/01/2022 19:14

OP, you've said you don't want this for your daughter. The best way to achieve that is to stop modelling it for her.

He's a manipulative, spiteful bully. You know he is. Your anger isn't something dangerous or to be ashamed of, it's a normal, appropriate response to the way he treats you. Get rid of him and you'll find yourself a lot less angry.

Flakeymcwakey · 14/01/2022 19:18

Yah it's manipulative and he is like a child, enjoying that he has a kind of power to upset or destabilise with no concern about the effe t of this on either uou or the children.

I do notice it has happened around an incident where he was depending on your cooperation to get something he wanted ie a time where you had a certain kind of power. So it looks, just from this incident, like he has an issue over his own lack of power which he is trying to reassert here.

Not that you should give a shit about his poor dented ego; but it's something to look out for and it also tells a very unflattering tale about your DPs attitude to you/ power

RhubarbTea · 14/01/2022 19:27

It's called goading, and it's a common and very manipulative tactic used by abusers so they can point the finger and make out you're the crazy one. Leave. It's unlikely to get better - he is showing contempt for you and the relationship has become toxic and unhealthy. You deserve more than this!

Original poster
Keeva2017 · 14/01/2022 19:45

Your messages are like lightbulb moments.

I think what I find so hard is linking this to the person that he is most of the time? But this is who he is, if you are capable of it, whether he understand what he is doing or not, my and my children are still affected by it.

I feel so daunted by the logistics and grief that I know will come. But my daughter saw it. That’s a red line crossed. God I’d just give anything for him to have his own lightbulb moment and have some insight into his behaviour. We had the makings of a good life.

OP posts:
KatnissNeverdone · 14/01/2022 20:09

Have a look at this. Lundy Bancroft would describe him as a "Water torturer". www.muchnessmama.com/profile-of-an-abuser-water-torturer/

Original poster
Keeva2017 · 14/01/2022 20:17

@KatnissNeverdone yes. I feel sick reading that.

OP posts:
Cuddlemequick · 14/01/2022 20:18

Water torturer

Squeezyhug · 15/01/2022 00:25

Could you stop the remortgage and sell / divide assets and pay off debt instead ?
You could leave him and lead a happier life with dc.
What’s price for a peaceful home, free of toxicity ?

Pinkbonbon · 15/01/2022 00:37

He doesn't need to 'do the work'. He has some sort of fundamental lack of empathy and theres no fixing that. The smirk actually shows that he enjoys winding you up. Which tbh hints at malignancy on top of lack of empathy.

It is a common abuser tactic to pick and pick at you until you snap. And then make you out to be unreasonable or crazy.

Gey yourself out of there. Don'tet kids grow up seeing their mum staying in an abusive relationship. Or they will think it is normal and find themselves in similar.

If you Google Lundy Bankrofts types of abusers, you will find your partner in that list. I forget the specific name.

Get outa there fast. He cannot change. Not just because he doesn't want to, but because no one can teach an evil person to be a good one.

Pinkbonbon · 15/01/2022 00:38

@Cuddlemequick

Water torturer
Thats the one!
MizzFizz · 15/01/2022 05:43

It's abuse. He's trying to goad you into it so he can call you the abuser (thereby further concealing his own abusive behaviour).

You do not deserve to be bullied that way.

Original poster
Keeva2017 · 15/01/2022 07:20

Thanks everyone. I feel very calm and very sad this morning. I don’t want the kids to witness a single cross word in the next few days. So the plan is fake normality for the weekend. I’m 95% certain he will play along but he will think time heals and for him, it will slowly become water under the bridge.

The only plan I have right now is to see the mortgage broker alone next week and see what my options are. In 11 months childcare costs reduce and in 2 years my loan is paid off.

I’m not ready to think further ahead than that right now. I just feel an incredible sadness for the life we were going to have, especially for what my children will lose out on. But nothing is worth more than not witnessing abuse and having a strong mum.

OP posts:
PilatesPeach · 15/01/2022 07:34

Good luck OP even doing that is a great step in planning your happy future