How lazy are your partners?

[Mich1986]

Do you share housework 50/50?
Oh works full time from home, I work 3 days a week, sometimes 4 days(not from home)
My partner literally does nothing, apart from working and drops off/picks up dc from school twice a week. I am finding it hard to keep up with the housework and resent having to constantly tidy up after him, it's at the point where i can'tbe bothered to tidy as i then get angry when it's messed up within a few hours. He will take something out of a cupboard, leave the empty box or packet on kitchen side, leave cupboard door open and walk away, leaves plates with food on it on kitchen side, empty crisps packets on the floor etc, goes for a wee and doesn't pull the flush, leaves beard shavings all over the sink, shit stains in the toilet, has to be asked to take bins out. He never cooks, only washes up once a week.
I've put up with it for years, but it's driving me mad and harder now i have a 5 year old to tidy up after too.

He's a fucking joke if I'm honest. He does work a lot, but I work too. 4 and a had days a week on top of doing everything else, and I mean everything. I really resent him but right now because his attitude stinks aswell. When he's home he basically just sits on his phone watching videos. I regularly find him having a 2 hour bath or just lying in bed.

shit stains in the toilet,

Mine leave them on the bed sheets.

That sounds so awful for you! We’re not 50/50, I definitely do more despite working the same hours plus doing most of the childcare for DS, but I have accepted I have higher standards than him and he does do something if I ask. We do pay for a cleaner now which helps and he does do most of the cooking. We’ve had our fair share of arguments over it though and my friends all say the same… sorry to say it though but your OH sounds like he’s truly taking the p* and it’s beyond disrespectful. Totally agree with others who have suggested leaving him to his own filth! He’ll soon notice when he has no clean clothes or cooked dinners! Good luck x

DH does zip housework. Doesn't know how the washing machine works let alone the iron. However he is a workaholic and has always been happy to pay the cleaner even when I was a SAHM. Add in he likes his socks folded, his pants ironed and his hankies pressed with creases into 8ths.

However, he is fastidiously tidy, has never not wiped the bath, bog or basin after himself and makes the bed every morning - meticulously. If anything he can be a little too pernickety.

Mine isn't lazy at all.
However we don't split 50:50, as we work different hours in our paid roles.

What I don't understand on threads like this though, is why you don't challenge it from the start.....the first time they leave a cupboard door open, or the first time they just sit there after a meal, or start to walk away from the table without clearing their plate. The longer it is "allowed" (seen as acceptable?), the more it goes on, as if it were normal. Why would you get to such a commitment as having a child with someone who thinks you are there to wait upon them?

The trouble is that a lot of men do have quite low standards. So if you just don’t do it, you’ll crack before they do because they don’t mind living in a shit tip. Women are much more likely to have internalised the message that certain standards are required and they are responsible for maintaining them.

My DH is a great help with house & DD. Tbh I would be lost without him.

When we first moved in together I said from the start I wasn't his mother, so wasn't picking up after him etc etc he had no choice but to get up off his backside lol

He does all washing & puts clothes away in appropriate places (leaves mine on the bed, i put them away when i can be bothered lol)

I do all cooking - he does all the cleaning up/loading dishwasher/emptying it. I do most of the hoovering/washing floors/bleaching bathrooms. He also does all the errands

Im still on M/L. He works FT from home. So is a massive help with DD - we both get our own downtime most evenings for an hour or more.

We are a great team. We've got to here with alot of hard work.

Your partner needs a boot up the *. I Feel for you.. Stop doing things for him & see what happens🤞

@Sorenka7

The trouble is that a lot of men do have quite low standards. So if you just don’t do it, you’ll crack before they do because they don’t mind living in a shit tip. Women are much more likely to have internalised the message that certain standards are required and they are responsible for maintaining them.

Yes this. Thankfully, my DH doesnt like things to get too bad. So once he saw that I was doing far less work, and surprise surprise things were not getting done, he succumbed.

He also knew I meant it. That I was utterly determined. I also copied him on his spending and selfishness. He has changed. He wasnt liking two people like himself!

Not at all, he works so hard it's not an issue, I do all the housework and he earns all the money, if there is an issue we talk about it and resolve it like adults.

Husband does at least his fair share.

Some jobs he does and I don't... he does bins, DW, empties the shower plug..

Some jobs I do, he doesn't.

Some things he doesn't notice need doing but will do when I ask him to with no moans

We are a team, we rub along.

Not all men are lazy.

@Ionlydomassiveones

Not at all. We are a team. He’s not a dick.

👆

Not lazy BUT he finishes work at 2pm (starts very very early) and works from home and having the afternoons seems to make it much easier for him to be productive rather than cramming it all into the evening. Even though he works the same number of hours as if he was 8-6.
Also of course this gives him more hours with the kids so more opportunity to be a hands on parent.
Also, I am quick to tell him when a job needs doing because I refuse to do it all. But also I understand that is counter productive because maybe sometimes I don’t give him a chance to see the jobs that need doing. But in my view, he’s left his shit out and it’s in my way so I’m not going to wait hours for him to notice it, for example.
So overall, not lazy but his situation helps and he does still have less initiative than me.

@PaterPower. You make a very important point— not everyone starts off this way — it often kind of creeps up and before you know it you have suddenly metamorophised into Cinderella. My H works far harder professionally than I do , I do still however at 60 feel a bit resentful that regardless of how much he does in the day (he’s at home) stuff never makes it to the bin or dishwasher and I can’t remember him ever doing a wash and can count dishwasher use in 26 years on 2 hands — I think most guys over 50 are exceptionally lazy around the house ,

A lot of men are lazy and like others have alluded to, are not bothered about the state of the house they live in. When my brother and his ex wife split, he lived in a flat and it was horrible. I don’t think he realised that you have to change your sheets regularly, wash your dishes, clean a bathroom. He wasn’t arsed as long as Sky sports was working.

We both chip in. Some days DH does more than me. Some days I do more than DH. We’re a team

@Mich1986

Do you share housework 50/50? Oh works full time from home, I work 3 days a week, sometimes 4 days(not from home) My partner literally does nothing, apart from working and drops off/picks up dc from school twice a week. I am finding it hard to keep up with the housework and resent having to constantly tidy up after him, it's at the point where i can'tbe bothered to tidy as i then get angry when it's messed up within a few hours. He will take something out of a cupboard, leave the empty box or packet on kitchen side, leave cupboard door open and walk away, leaves plates with food on it on kitchen side, empty crisps packets on the floor etc, goes for a wee and doesn't pull the flush, leaves beard shavings all over the sink, shit stains in the toilet, has to be asked to take bins out. He never cooks, only washes up once a week. I've put up with it for years, but it's driving me mad and harder now i have a 5 year old to tidy up after too.

Are we married to the same man?

Same here! God knows what their mothers taught them

What about their fathers? Why is it to to mothers to teach their sons to clean up their metaphorical and literal shit.

OP's husband thinks it's his wife's job to literally clean up his shit. His shit in the toilet. The level of disdain and contempt that shows isn't acceptable on any level in any relationship.

And at any stage of a man's life, a person doesn't have any more responsibility to either teach them that or bear the consequences simply because they happen to have a vagina! Every thread this happens - the 'why did their mothers allow this' comment.

We need to, as a society, stop blaming women for the behaviour of the men who are sexist pigs. And that's what this is, expecting someone to clean your shit up. How can anyone want to shag someone who thinks so little of them?

@Thatsplentyjack

shit stains in the toilet,

Mine leave them on the bed sheets.

What the fuck? Why? And please tell me you don't clean those on their behalf? Why are people cleaning up the shit of other perfectly capable adults (assuming your partner is a perfectly capable adult)?

There is a difference between one of a couple doing more of the domestic shit if they work fewer hours and your situation where one actively leaves a trail of mess because he thinks the cleaning fairy keeps everything looking nice.

Chuck the disgusting slob out. I can't see anything that he adds to your life, in fact he seems to make your life a lot more difficult. How can you bear to have sex with him? Assuming your fanny hasn't dried up by now, mine would've yrs ago.

You need to go on tbe attack where it hurts ( his wallet). Get a cleaner, and tell him he will have to pay for the cleaner. He will not change, certainly not long term. Hes had a chance ( to change) and he blew it. Dont try "playing him at his own game" it wont work., you will be living in a shithole and be resentful and frustrated and he wont care.
Go for the wallet

My husband works full time, gets home at 6.30 ish each day. I work 3 days a week and we have an almost 3 year old.
I do the majority of the housework etc. He cooks maybe 1 day a week if that. He usually washes up most evenings, that's kind of his one task but I pretty much do everything else. I would consider him quite lazy. We've been together for 15 years and he just doesn't have the same sort of drive as I do. He's not proactive and if I rant about doing too much he says he's happy to do things if I ask, but id like him to just take the initiative and see things that need doing and just do them? I sometimes have to nag him over and over to do simple DIY tasks.

It's kind of weird how you get used to things and consider them "normal" or "not too bad", and ultimately my situation isn't bad but when I hear of people whose partners cook for them I'm like 😍😂
We used to both do son's bath time/bedtime story routine and it was only when a friend said "why doesn't he get started on tea while you're doing that?" that I even thought about it, and now we take it in turns (one does bath time, one does story), because it felt like (and sometimes still feels like), I do everything, it's just that sometimes there's someone else there too 🤷‍♀️

Our male children do more than this!

Mine does half the housework, all the decorating, DIY, most of the gardening, puts the bins out, and clears up after meals. I do half the housework, the cooking, the dog, meal planning and grocery ordering.