How lazy are your partners?

[Mich1986]

Do you share housework 50/50?
Oh works full time from home, I work 3 days a week, sometimes 4 days(not from home)
My partner literally does nothing, apart from working and drops off/picks up dc from school twice a week. I am finding it hard to keep up with the housework and resent having to constantly tidy up after him, it's at the point where i can'tbe bothered to tidy as i then get angry when it's messed up within a few hours. He will take something out of a cupboard, leave the empty box or packet on kitchen side, leave cupboard door open and walk away, leaves plates with food on it on kitchen side, empty crisps packets on the floor etc, goes for a wee and doesn't pull the flush, leaves beard shavings all over the sink, shit stains in the toilet, has to be asked to take bins out. He never cooks, only washes up once a week.
I've put up with it for years, but it's driving me mad and harder now i have a 5 year old to tidy up after too.

My dh is great. I do more of the cooking as I'm in at the appropriate times, I'm disabled and home full time and studying from home. He's a GP and works long hours over 4 days plus nights and weekends on call away from home. He does lots of the tidying, dishes, laundry, financial stuff and I'd say we split the mental load more or less evenly. We have 3 young adult dc, 2 of whom are still at home, and we both make sure they pull their weight too. When they were at school I did most of the school admin. Ds (19) is a great cook and a real help with that.

I've never put up with laziness but to be fair dh has never been lazy. He does defer to me with meal planning and shopping lists but does the food shop no bother, though I like to go too as it gets me out, and he'll happily push my wheelchair for that.

@naomi81

Same here! God knows what their mothers taught them, I keep telling my other half what state would his house be in if he lived on his own?? I just find it really odd, told him I am upping hours if work to pay for a cleaner as I can't continue to live like this and he said no no I will start doing abit more 🤣 yeah right! . No idea how to make them change, it's really weird, to the point where I am thinking I might be best to leave with my daughter.

He be fine because he wouldn't have you to do it!

Ignore him and engage a cleaner. He only gets an opinion if he's willing to clean

He wouldn't treat you like that if he respects you. It is so depressing how many of these lazy men threads are on MN...

I have the opposite problem. I am currently on a career break and he interferes with my routine. When I pull him up on it he says I should be grateful.

I'm the sort of person who has my own weekly routine but will potter and deep clean when required I. E. Skirting boards etc. He is someone that hates sitting still and it feels like if he doesn't see me doing it, it hasn't happened.

Prime example, Sunday... We've been in garden, it's muddy etc. I start to prep dinner.... He then deep cleans/guts the kitchen/utility when I had it on the board to do Monday (always gets done on a Monday due to having pets, muddy garden etc) he just makes me feel useless and not to his standards.

Another example, we come back from holiday. I'm sorting the washing piles out..... He decides to empty/sort/deep clean ALL the kitchen cupboards.

@Kdubs1981 💯 I am done ✅ now covids nearly over and oh will be back at the office life should be much easier. Dread to think how messy he is at the office! Grim...

He doesnt exercise as much as he should….

But with housework he is an equal partner. To be totally honest, he probably does more, as he does all the cooking, including christmas day, and makes my packed lunch everyday too. He is out shopping for food atm.

I used to deal with all the finances, but he has taken over a lot of that now too.

I couldnt live with a lazy, incompetent selfish partner. Im surprised so many women do. I wonder sometimes whether they actually enjoy having something to complain about.

Thank you for all your replies.
I also do the food shopping, cook xmas dinner every year and do all the general sorting, admin etc. He has a pretty easy life, his father is like it too, but difference is his mum never worked when he was growing up, so he's been in a household where mum does everything and dad just goes to work (very 1970s)! I just don't know what to do, we've discussed it before and he gets better for while, then it stops again, even worse since covid as he is always here so the mess is worse.

I was married to the laziest man in the world. He worked FT and I worked 4 days (almost full time) we had two kids. I did literally everything cooking, cleaning, laundry, finances, house diy or getting people in, childcare .. it goes on and on. In fact in the year he's been gone I have found the one and only thing he did do in the time we were together and that was the loft, he'd get xmas dec, suitcases and the fan to and from the loft at the appropriate times with much nagging.

I asked him to help constantly and he'd made a joke out of it. I stopped asking in the end.

The shit stain comment made me laugh. At one point I used to send him pictures of the disgusting mess and shit stains he'd left in the toilet, sending them did nothing to change him.

I did let him get away with it because I was just too tired to bother arguing or nagging even more. He was the epitome of a man-child. I have not missed his absence at all, he contributed nothing. To be fair I didn't realise how bad he was until we had kids and by then I thought I'd made my bed and deserved to lie in it.

He has put me off men it feels for life. However, As a PP has said, if I date again, a house trained man is top of my wish list. I'll never make the same mistake again.

To the OP I wasted too many years with a lazy man. Like yours, he will never ever change and once they're gone your house will be cleaner, less stressful and all the resentment hanging over you goes.

I'm the lazy one in our house. DP does 95% of the cooking, 60% of the dishes, 70% of the cat's litter tray changes, about 60% of the laundry and 100% of taking the bins out.

I'm tidier generally and probably more pro-active with hoovering, cleaning & changing the bed (although he'll do anything immediately if asked).

The above is one of many reasons I'm marrying him.

@BruceSpringsteensBitOnTheSide

Why do people put up with this? We do 50/50, we’re both house trained and no way would I have married him if he was lazy. Stop enabling him FFS!

This. Why is anyone putting up with this?

Just have a serious talk about things needing to change write two lists side by side of the jobs you both do and say the lists need to equal out.

DH is 57 and newly diagnosed with atrial fibrilation. He's on medication to slow his heart rate and most of the time, he's almost comatose. He's waiting for surgery which hopefully means he can come off the meds he's on.

If he doesn't I'm honestly going to struggle. I have to bite my tongue as I know he's permanently tired but I'm just as tired from all the load that's fallen from his lap into mine. I feel awful saying it but I'm starting to feel very resentful........

If he was this lazy without medical reason, he'd be under the patio.

God knows what their mothers taught them
Don’t you mean “ God knows what their fathers taught them”?
Because why is it the mothers job to teach boys to be socialised humans?
Children learn from what is modelled to them. If a father does fuck all, he is not modelling to the son that men do housework. This was a real problem for me as a lone parent mother of sons!

My DH does as much as he can, when he has the time. If he can see something needs to be done he does it. Even when he was working full time in a manual job and studying every night, he would still try and help. Because he loves and respects me.

And his mother did everything for him and the family. When we first moved in together he asked me how to use the washing machine and we went from there.

DH isn't lazy but really inconsistent! When he does jobs, he does them much better than I do, but he doesn't get round to them quite often enough. Every few months he'll have a week where he does all the laundry (regardless of whether there's room to dry it, but then he hangs it better!) and once or twice a month he cleans the kitchen - again, much more thoroughly and better than I do. But at least he knows not to crow about it because he knows I do it more than he does.

Since buying a fancy new dish rack he does the washing up most days at least.

@HepzibahGreen

God knows what their mothers taught them Don’t you mean “ God knows what their fathers taught them”? Because why is it the mothers job to teach boys to be socialised humans? Children learn from what is modelled to them. If a father does fuck all, he is not modelling to the son that men do housework. This was a real problem for me as a lone parent mother of sons!

Was about to say the same thing. Women who live with lazy men clearly have their own internalised misogyny and this comment demonstrates it perfectly!

My XP was a filthy bugger - never picked up after himself, left his worn pants on the floor, every cupboard and drawer open, food packets discarded on the side instead of in the bin etc. He did improve slightly after some (hate the word!) nagging, but it made me so resentful of him, feeling like his mum was such a turn off and he would be so offended if ever I asked him to pick up after himself. It was always “I wouldn’t ask you to pick up your pants, I’d just do it for you and put them in the wash”. Difference being I wouldn’t want him to!

In my experience my DH’s parents both taught him to be useless. My Mil in my opinion more influential because she’d actively discourage her sons from doing a single thing to help domestically but ask her DILs to come and help. Said she was happy a woman had come along to look after him…once at our house saw him hoovering and said to me isn’t he good doing your hoovering for you!

Not lazy at all.
He does all the DIY and gardening, takes the bins out, makes breakfast for everyone every day, does all cooking at the weekend, drives us everywhere, does the weekly food shop, and numerous other things.

@HepzibahGreen

God knows what their mothers taught them Don’t you mean “ God knows what their fathers taught them”? Because why is it the mothers job to teach boys to be socialised humans? Children learn from what is modelled to them. If a father does fuck all, he is not modelling to the son that men do housework. This was a real problem for me as a lone parent mother of sons!

Yeah I think your right, it's fathers isn't it. When I wrote it I nearly was going to change it to parents, but it's fathers or is it parents?! I don't know but when you she how the parents live I kinda makes sense abit! Not that it's right.

Why do you put up with it? Your child is going to follow by example.

I would not be with a man like this. How can you bring yourself to have sex with him knowing he’s happy for you to wipe up his literal shit?!

Me and DH split everything because we each respect each other.

It's about 75/25 here with DH doing the larger share. I run a business, he is retired, so it seems fair. I couldn't be doing with a lazy man.

We kind of split work but it’s just as it happens nothing agreed ahead! He works full time and I’m a sahm so I do breakfast , lunch, dishes after, laundry, nappies, bathtime, looking after the kids, sorting the fire out and taking recycling to the bins…Hoovering. Just day to day stuff that needs doing and I try to do it when kids nap so I can play with them when they’re awake, or do little bits as I go.
When he’s home he usually does dinner, washing up after, always always does Sunday roast and xmas lunch, he actually complains I leave the kitchen a mess after cooking and cleans up after me 😂 he has higher standards!! But he doesn’t notice when the bins need emptying so I do it but he always takes them down to the kerb. he sweeps the floors mops the floor, makes me endless cups of tea does diy and the cars. I do like gardening so we both do that but I do more simply because I love being outdoors. He tends to take responsibility for the wc downstairs and I tend to clean the upstairs bathroom while kids have a bath.
Sorry but your oh sounds so lazy. Shared household duties aside, not even checking the loo after he’s been is gross. He works full time so I could forgive not having time to for example hoover the house but I’m sure he could put laundry on as the machine does the work and not cleaning up after himself (e.g crisp packets)!is disrespectful to you.

Why is their mother's fault @naomi81 ? Presumably they're adults.

I couldn't be with a man who was like yours OP. Certainly wouldn't want to have sex with a man who thinks it's ok to leave shit stains on a toilet. So yeah, ltb, he'll never change.

@Itsnotdeep

Why is their mother's fault *@naomi81* ? Presumably they're adults.

I couldn't be with a man who was like yours OP. Certainly wouldn't want to have sex with a man who thinks it's ok to leave shit stains on a toilet. So yeah, ltb, he'll never change.

I think I mean parents.... surely it's a learnt behaviour. I was taught about tidying, cleaning up at a young age. My parents were always clean and tidy people. Saying that my sister is the complete opposite, so who knows 🤷‍♀️