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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

New husband smoking again

26 replies

Honeydish · 14/01/2022 12:34

Good Morning Everyone
When I met my husband (age 48) nearly four years ago he was a vaper, having recently quit smoking.
I am an ex-smoker myself. (I am 46 and quit 20 years ago). I quit after reading Allen Carr's Easyway and never smoked again. The book talks about how replacing cigarettes with something else (e.g. nicorette, vaping) is usually ineffective.
About a year into the relationship he confessed to buying cigarettes at a stressful moment but said it was a blip. This happened several times. He repeatedly said he wanted to quite vaping, and would, but never did. We moved into together last February and got married in July. At the time I was convinced he was done with smoking because he told me he hated it and hated himself for thinking he could 'just have one'. However in the months that followed I realised he was smoking socially. Before christmas I refused to go to bed with him when I tasted cigarettes during a kiss. (Yuk). We've had a rocky road at times and he apologised for adding to our stress and 'doing this to us'. At new year I told him that I would not be intimate with him until he was done forever with cigarettes. We already don't share a bed due to his snoring and our different time zones. Now it fees like we are room mates as our only touch is when he pecks me goodnight on the cheek. I am heartbroken, sexually frustrated, and worried. I am bewildered at his stupidity. His dad died of smoking-induced lung cancer in his 50s. My own mum almost died when I was a baby due to a lung condition. I loathe and despise smoking and he has always known this. This isn't an addiction - any smoker, including myself, who is being honest, will tell you that they smoke because they enjoy it. He is now actively choosing manky cigarettes over sex - something he has always prioritised. He is aware of how distressed I am and there is no point in raising the subject again with him. I am now wondering how many years we have left if he also succumbs to lung cancer (he has been smoking since college) and whether those years will be blighted with this ongoing struggle. Is anyone else in this position? I waited a lifetime to meet him and he is a wonderful husband and dad to my son (age 12).

OP posts:

ElleGettingBetter · 14/01/2022 15:07

It is an addiction and I am an ex smoker. Nicotine is an addictive substance and that is factual.

Just because you found it easy doesn’t mean everyone will.

You can’t make him stop smoking, he will just hide it from you. You have to decide whether to stay with him or not, withholding sex until he stops smoking is manipulative and childish. He is a smoker. Decide if you want to be with a smoker or not.

whatsthestory123 · 14/01/2022 20:47

i stopped exactly 1 month ago as i was rushed to hospital and found i had a large clot near the heart and several small one's on my lungs

stayed in hospital for a week and knew i had to give up
i now vape and havent had a puff of a proper cig since that day but i know i would find it difficult if i was not vaping,yes i enjoyed smoking but it was a no brainer

you found it easy but most dont,do you mind him vaping i find it a god send but sounds like he is really struggling

you will get nowhere by punishing him have you sat down and really talke,maybe give him some real support and keep it going

BlueSky8 · 14/01/2022 20:52

At new year I told him that I would not be intimate with him until he was done forever with cigarettes

Sorry but this is ridiculous.

It's not your choice if he gives up or not, it's purely down to him. He might not want to.
You can't pressure people into giving up. You also can't blackmail with no sex.

You found it easy but not everyone does.

mug2018 · 14/01/2022 20:55

I'm not sure your manipulation and control is helping him quit.

He's a grown man who is able to make his own choices - he'll quit as and when he wants to

Shoxfordian · 14/01/2022 21:18

He’s not going to stop for you; has to be for him

Either accept he smokes or decide if it’s a dealbreaker

Original poster

Honeydish · 14/01/2022 21:45

Hey ladies, hanks for the responses, I appreciate it.
To be clear: I am not blackmailing him or manipulating him. I find the smell and taste too off-putting and disgusting to be intimate.
Is it fair that he expects me to sleep with him in these circumstances? Is it so unreasonable to say that this isn't what I signed up for? I'm not sure why it's 'ridiculous' to be turned-off by ash breath? When we first met he said he hated smoking too!

When I smoked, non-smoking boyfriends sometimes wouldn't kiss me if I had been smoking. I was also told 'sorry, I just couldn't date a smoker'. I never thought that was unfair. I am not sure what the difference is with me expressing similar views to my partner.

Thank you again for your replies.

OP posts:

booksandballet · 14/01/2022 21:51

I sympathise OP. As a child I had a really close relationship with my grandma, who was a heavy smoker. I loved her just as much as my parents and we spent lots of time together. Then she lost her leg as a result of smoking, had a heart attack, and developed a boatload of other smoking-related health problems. Doctors told her if she didn't quit she was going to die. She didn't quit, and she died. I was devastated, but also angry - it felt like she'd chosen cigarettes over staying with me. It sounds like you feel the same, and are scared of your husband dying.

I agree with other posters that trying to blackmail him into giving up is unlikely to help. He has to want it for himself, or it won't stick. I'd try and talk openly about it, without being accusatory. Looking back with an adult's eyes I know that my grandma really loved us and did value us more than cigarettes. It was more likely that she just didn't believe any of the bad things would happen to her until they did, and once they started happening, she decided she might as well be hung for a sheep as for a lamb. Hopefully your husband will be able to break the unhelpful patterns of thought that maintain the addiction, but in the meantime try not to take it personally.

booksandballet · 14/01/2022 21:53

P.S. I've just seen that you only don't want sex if he's been smoking, not that you're refusing all intimacy until he stops. That's not blackmail, I agree. The smell would put me off too.

layladomino · 15/01/2022 13:58

I understand why you've said no intimacy until he's given up. That isn't blackmail, it's a simple case of the smell being unpleasant. It's the same as if he's stopped bathing - you wouldn't want to sleep with him if he stank of BO.

It must be upsetting that's effectively saying 'fair enough, I'd rather give up being intimate with my wife than smoking'. I can see why that would sting.

I know smoking is an addiction, but if my marriage was on the line because of an unhealthy, expensive, stinky and anti-social habit of mine, I'd do everything possible to give it up.

Dozer · 15/01/2022 14:01

‘ This isn't an addiction’. Yes, it is!

YABU to drag it out: if him smoking means you don’t want to be in a relationship with him, end the relationship.

waterlego · 15/01/2022 14:10

This isn't an addiction - any smoker, including myself, who is being honest, will tell you that they smoke because they enjoy it.

I can’t agree with this at all. I smoked for 25 years and I really didn’t ’enjoy’ a large percentage of the cigarettes I smoked. I carried on doing it because I was hopelessly addicted to nicotine. Nicotine is extremely addictive. (I’m still addicted but now I vape it instead of smoking it).

I feel for you because it must be really awful and I wouldn’t want to be with a smoker as it really does stink and is obviously catastrophically bad for health. But you can’t make him stop, he can only come to that point himself.

Parky04 · 15/01/2022 14:16

I couldn't be in a relationship with a smoker. I would end it if he isn't willing to give up.

Rno3gfr · 15/01/2022 14:30

Can you encourage him to go back to vaping? You can purchase powerful vapes with high nicotine content juice. This might at least be a step towards removing some of the discomfort he’s causing you with his smoking. I think you’re unreasonable to ask him to never ever smoke again since he clearly enjoys it, but I understand that it should be a rare occasion- which it’s not at the moment.

Original poster

Honeydish · 15/01/2022 14:42

Thank you for all the comments especially the empathetic ones :-)

Just on smoking, Waterlego - have you read Allen Carr's Easyway? He says the addiction to smoking is 99% psychological. It is the beliefs that smokers have that keep them smoking (reduces stress, is the perfect end to a meal, helps them with their problems) and not a physical addiction, which is quite mild. (E.g. smokers sleep 8 hours without having a cig - if there really was a genuine physical dependency then this wouldn't be possible). If you haven't read the book I would strongly recommend it. It demolished every reason I gave myself to keep smoking.

The problem with allowing yourself a smoke as an occasional treat is that you are maintaining the belief that this vile pursuit is a 'treat'. The occasional smoker is just as much an addict as the 10 a day. You have to remove your entire belief system about cigarettes to give up successfully. This is what Allen Carr does so brilliantly.

Thanks so much for the comments everyone. Much appreciated.

OP posts:

TracyMosby · 15/01/2022 14:53

I think you're going to need a hard hat here today.

I couldn't date a smoker. When dating I just wouldn't date a smoker. In your case, I wouldnt have married him.

Youve hardly been married any time at all and it is already quite shit. You dont even sleep together. How much if the snoring is caused or made worse by the smoking?

Original poster

Honeydish · 15/01/2022 15:16

Totally agree. It would have been game over if he had been a smoker when we met. He assured me that when he smoked it was rare, and something he was committed to ending. Maybe I was naive to believe this.
I don't believe the snoring is related to smoking.
My two est friends are in separate rooms from their husbands due to snoring. What can you do.
I am not going to end the marriage. My son would be heartbroken for a start.
Maybe we are looking at an open marriage down the line?

OP posts:

girlmom21 · 15/01/2022 15:22

You'd rather have an open marriage than sex with a smoker? That's bizarre, unless it's something you'd be into if he wasn't smoking too...

waterlego · 15/01/2022 15:48

@Honeydish, I did read that. Twice, I think! It made such a lot of sense but it somehow just didn’t work for me. His writing style irritated me and I found that distracting, but I know lots of people who swore by it, including my DH.

But I was a tough nut to crack. Allen Carr twice, hypnotherapy twice, patches, sprays, Champix… You name it, I tried it! Then a year of false starts with the ecig before finally managing to make the break about 6 years ago. Even then, for my first week of vaping, I also had a nicotine patch on (Disclaimer: don’t try this at home folks. May not be medically safe!) so was utterly wired with nicotine. Now on low dose nic in my ecig and no patches.

So yes…quite a strong addiction in my case. I was very committed to smoking

baileys6904 · 15/01/2022 15:54

End the relationship. Literally no point in you being married. You say you wouldn't have married him had you known so, no difference really.

Pinkbonbon · 15/01/2022 16:36

Sorry op but you knew he was a smoker snd you married a smoker. Also, even if he quit now, years of smoking damage could already have caused various diseases. Potentially even your smoking 20 years ago could have done so to you too. They may appear in later life. Or, they may not. Somethin else entirely could bump you both off.

But you made your choice and are punishing both of you for it. He didn't change his mind, you did. Your vows say for better or worse, in sickness and in health fyi. Everyone comes with baggage.

That being said, I agree that if he is not doing enough to stop smoking after promising to do so then that's pretty shitty. But he has to want to stop smoking fir himself, not for you. All you are doing is making it so he feels it isn't even his choice. And people don't like that. It's a recipe for people with am addictive habit to fall off the horse again by thinking 'I didn't even want to quit in the first place really'.

I suspect he never wanted to quit, and glhqs just told you what you wanted to hear. But either way, you have to decide if you are OK with him smoking or not because, he us a smoker and its pretty clear considering he is currently choosing it over your marriage, he probably intends yo remain so. And will fall vack into it Iver the course of the marriage, even if from time to time he stops because he feels pressured into it by you. And this toxic cycle is far worse for you both than smoking.

bettybadger · 15/01/2022 16:42

I gave up smoking twice - both times because I started dating non-smokers and I was aware of how much smoking stinks. Neither guy told me I had to but the 2nd guy did say he was pleased I quit.

The nicotine addiction is real but short-lived and patches help. The psychological addiction is stronger and that's where you really need willpower and motivation. And you have to be in the right frame of mind to get started - knowing you need to give up/cut down is not enough. (Booze is my current foe - finding it much harder to control than smoking. Alan Carr book is really good though.)

OP - does your DH want to give up at some point even if he's not ready right now or has he given up giving up indefinitely?

5128gap · 15/01/2022 19:29

While I sympathise OP, I think you escalated the situation hugely when you used sex as a weapon/bargaining tool, and this has massively backfired, as now you're on a slippery slope of losing all intimacy as a couple. To be perfectly honest, if a partner tried to force me into something by withholding sex I'd be inclined to call their bluff too, as its very manipulative, and id wonder when they might next use it to control me. Either you want to be with him as a smoker or you don't. If you don't, be clear you will end the marriage over it, and then the ball is in his court.

houseonthehill · 15/01/2022 21:12

You could just let him smoke, vape or neither according to his choice. It all sounds a bit dramatic and over-wrought.

Woofwoofbarkbark · 15/01/2022 21:23

The pressure to give up will make giving up harder!

Original poster

Honeydish · 15/01/2022 23:10

Congratulations on getting to where you are now. It's so long ago since I quit but I remember that the worst part was psyching myself up for it. E cigs didn't exist then so no idea if I'd have gone down that road but they are obviously working for you. Thanks for your support. Best.

OP posts:

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