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Original poster

Help - what is this, do I abandon ship now?

36 replies

Echoes89 · 14/01/2022 11:14

Hi

Hoping for a little wisdom from those with a little more dating experience than myself.
I can't seem to work out if this guy is nice or an arsehole. No idea whether to run now or wait it out

Was in a long term relationship since my teens, split up in the summer, have had a couple of fuck buddies since as I didn't want to jump into another long term relationship straight away. Was completely new to OLD, met this guy who said he wasn't looking for anything serious but if something developed, then that'd be fine. I thought that matched up with what I felt too. Some interests in common, seemed nice enough.
When we first met up, there wasn't much interest from either side for anything more than friendship. Totally fine by me

Then things developed, started sleeping together when we went on days out. Again fine by me for fwb situation. But he kept messaging me and telling me that he really liked me.... So after a few weeks of this I asked what we were, sex was weirdly intimate and he kept telling me he liked me. He then rebounds and tells me that he was clear we were only friends. Again fine, but we decided we weren't sleeping together anymore because it was confusing matters.

Fast forward and we're sleeping together again... He seems to repeatedly bring up that he really likes me, occasionally when we're out he refers to things as romantic and seems to try to get me to tell him how much I like him. He has mentioned girls he's chatted up and that he still thinks about his ex sometimes. I know... 🙄

Sometimes I feel like he likes me around to stroke his ego and then other times he seems so nice and maybe he's just not in the right headspace for a relationship

I guess it just makes me feel a bit like he's being manipulative when making all the right noises like he wants something more but backtracking when questioned on it. I don't know if that's just because he's nervous though or if he is genuinely a bit of a dick.

OP posts:
BatshitBanshee · 14/01/2022 11:20

No, he's a fuckwit who can get his leg over when he needs it for very little effort and he's also under the impression that you're fine with that because you're a FWB. Which is fine if that's what you want! But if it's not cut him off, because you're not the main girl. You're the back up and telling you he likes you is a red herring. As in, I like you enough for sex but that's it.

(Sorry OP Flowers)

Original poster
Echoes89 · 14/01/2022 11:22

I'm happy with fwb situation but it drives me crazy when he says things that make out like it's more. He says things like it's more than just sex... I'm happy with it just being about sex tbh 😂

OP posts:
Gilda152 · 14/01/2022 11:24

Well, have your expectations changed? He seems to be acting in line with what he said all along, nothing serious , whereas you seem to now want more. When it gets more serious, he backs off. This aligns with what he said at the beginning so I really dont see the problem is on his side? If youve realised you infact do now want something more with someone might it be time to end this?

Gilda152 · 14/01/2022 11:25

If you're happy with Fwb why does it matter what he says in the moment? You know now he doesn't really mean it so why worry? Sit back and enjoy the FWB!

EllieSattler · 14/01/2022 11:25

I can't seem to work out if this guy is nice or an arsehole
Even without reading the rest, if you aren't sure, then he's an arsehole.

Reading the rest he clearly likes the idea of having the control between the two of you. He wants you on the back foot. He's an arsehole.

Gilda152 · 14/01/2022 11:28

@EllieSattler

I can't seem to work out if this guy is nice or an arsehole Even without reading the rest, if you aren't sure, then he's an arsehole.

Reading the rest he clearly likes the idea of having the control between the two of you. He wants you on the back foot. He's an arsehole.

How so? He said he didn't want anything serious and OP is cool with that. When it starts getting too intense he dials it down because neither of them wanted it to be so, how does that make him an arsehole?!
Original poster
Echoes89 · 14/01/2022 11:33

@glida52 I guess sometimes it feels like he tries to make it intense with making a point with how much he likes me and how romantic something we are doing is ... Its like he wants me to think it's more, so then when I question the mixed signals he can make it out to be me wanting a serious relationship

OP posts:
Sunnytwobridges · 14/01/2022 11:37

I’m not sure it matters if you only want a fwb situation only. Let him flip flop as much as he wants, just enjoy the ride lol

Gilda152 · 14/01/2022 11:39

But I would argue by saying you yourself have given mixed signals by saying you only wanted FWB but are receptive and wanting of him making things more romantic at times so it's very much 6 of one and half a dozen of the other. Are you lying to yourself about only wanting FWB? If not assert to him that you don't want to hear any romantic talk at all and you're only interested in. FWB situation. That you can't stop him saying romantic things but you don't take it on board and don't reciprocate. Then at least nobody could accuse you of giving mixed signals too.

Original poster
Echoes89 · 14/01/2022 11:49

We haven't done anything romantic, he was just saying it was, I do roll my eyes and don't reciprocate when he says things like that.
Yes I think I may need to be a little more assertive in telling him to stop that kind of talk.

OP posts:
Gilda152 · 14/01/2022 11:54

Well that was easily solved ☺️

TheFoundation · 14/01/2022 13:50

Life hack: stay away from people who make you feel confused.

It's basically the whole story of 'how to have good boundaries'.

Why would you opt for this? Things could be so much easier. People in healthy friendships/relationships don't suspect the other of being a manipulative dick. Whether he is or not isn't the point: the point is, this isn't making you feel good, so you need to distance yourself from it.

Pinkbonbon · 14/01/2022 14:05

Fwb men often try to get you to fall fir them by acting like they really like you. That's why I found these relationships often don't work. Because these sorts are so common and need to have the upper hand by mind fucking you. Ge us not fwb material, he is a cunt. He doesn't really like you,he is just pretending so that you will thibk to give him the chance of being something more and then the second you do, bam! That's his ego stroked and he will reverse it on you and say you are the clingy one. Drop this one, fast.

Hemingwayzcatz · 14/01/2022 14:37

He wants you to be more into him than you actually are to boost his ego. I think he’s frustrated because you’re nonchalant about the whole thing and aren’t chasing his tail. Just ditch the whole situation, sounds like an unnecessary head fuck.

Lubeyboobyalt · 14/01/2022 14:40

it's a narcissistic behavior, some of it including triangulation - mentioning other women etc. Lots of mind games. In other words, don't just dump, but completely block from your entire life asap

MoreCoffeePlease2 · 14/01/2022 14:44

I'm with you OP, that's a bit of a mind-fuck - if you're both clear on being fwb then why is he trying, when you're together (/when it's convenient for him) to make it romantic, and engender romantic feelings thereby changing the nature of the relationship. It would be one thing if he was moving more towards a romantic relationship but then he backtracks and says it's still just fwb.

Without knowing the guy I reckon he likes the ego stroke of having your romantic attention (more than just your casual 'fwb attention'). More annoying than that is that he denies it - best case scenario he doesn't know what he wants (annoying) and worst is that he's being manipulative - I'm with @Pinkbonbon. Either way, I'd drop and let him continue to be either confused or a prat with someone else (or ideally: just himself)

Gymrats · 14/01/2022 14:55

His trying to put you on a hook playing mind games. Your not falling for it though so good for you.

Next time he goes like that I’d get there first and say “well I don’t see it like that as I’m just not ready for anything more”.

layladomino · 15/01/2022 14:17

First of all I think you need to be really clearly with yourself how you feel and what you want.

Then if he appears to be on another page (more or less interested), you know it won't end well. If he starts talking about things you don't want, tell him.

However, he seems to enjoy messing with your head, which makes him not a good person for any sort of relationship. He sounds unkind and as though he's trying to prove he can mess with you or control you. I would drop him for that.

Original poster
Echoes89 · 30/01/2022 18:10

Just an update. I put my foot down and told him to stop telling me he likes me and things when he doesn't want anything else. Thought everything was okay. He's been really nice, then he started to tell me that I should let him know if I want things to progress because he does actually like me. I told him I wouldn't want to progress things if he was still hung up on his ex...
Basically he said ok we'll stay as is.
So guess the ex is clearly still the preferred option in his head, no denial from him. So guess it's fucked really. Guess I'm just feeling a little sad today, genuinely think I wouldn't be feeling like this if he didn't keep saying those things to me, I can keep sex and feeling separate if they can too. Just feel totally head fucked and sad now.
Think I'm gonna have to keep a little distance for a while and rebuild a little self esteem.

OP posts:
Talkingmouse · 30/01/2022 18:45

He is offering you nothing useful. Stop seeing him full stop, move on, and find another fwb.

Original poster
Echoes89 · 30/01/2022 19:00

Just feel like an absolute idiot. Keep thinking maybe I should have just said yes... But I don't think that would've done me any good either
Just feel so stupid and sad.

OP posts:
OutlandishBird · 30/01/2022 19:39

I went through the exact same thing, in fact if it wasn't for the "days out together" (my fwb only liked night meets, but then he did work nights at that point) I'd swear it was the same person. His initials aren't SD are they?!
Basically, he insisted it was FWB, "just friends" etc etc, but as soon as he had a drink he would be declaring his feelings, saying he might want a relationship, how confused he was, he loved me etc.
I was honestly 100% happy with FWB until he started fucking with my mind.
Regardless of whether it's the same person or not, just do yourself a favour and get out. He will fuck with your mind until you admit you might want more, then he'll bring out the "just friends" narrative again, say things like "see u knew you wanted a relationship" etc. It's an ego boost, a need to feel wanted without the emotional maturity to commit to anyone.
Just be mindful that you might not be the only one he's seeing for his ego boost either.

Original poster
Echoes89 · 30/01/2022 19:42

@OutlandishBird nope those aren't his initials, so not the same person. Unfortunately the days out are really fun, sex is good, the messing with my feelings, less so.
What did you do in the end, just completely cut it off?

OP posts:
OutlandishBird · 30/01/2022 19:55

In the end I told him I was happy to keep hanging out with him as friends without the benefits but that he had to stop with the mind fuck. He'd agree but then every time I saw him he'd want sex, bring up a relationship etc.
In the end I walked away after a particularly bad night with him where he sexually assaulted me. I told him I wasn't seeing him again and haven't spoken to him for well over a year.
He still messages me every couple of months despite me never replying (he can't even see I've read the messages). He's desperate for that contact, the ego boost that I'm still interested.
I'm not suggesting your guy is going to go on to rape you or anything, but it's not healthy to have someone screwing with your mind constantly, it's a form of control over you.
As soon as I stopped seeing him I found someone that makes me truly happy.

GrammarTool · 30/01/2022 20:01

Unfortunately you may come across quite a few men like this on OLD. I certainly did.

They’re not necessarily malicious (at least the ones I met weren’t), just confused/lonely/ dealing with baggage in an unhealthy way/not over their ex/enjoying the ‘sweet shop’ nature of OLD/afraid to get close to anyone. Usually they were a mix of all of these.

I know it’s not easy and it’s certainly not what I’ve done in the past, but I would cut contact with him. The mind fuckery is not worth it.