Help - what is this, do I abandon ship now?

[Echoes89]

Hi

Hoping for a little wisdom from those with a little more dating experience than myself.
I can't seem to work out if this guy is nice or an arsehole. No idea whether to run now or wait it out

Was in a long term relationship since my teens, split up in the summer, have had a couple of fuck buddies since as I didn't want to jump into another long term relationship straight away. Was completely new to OLD, met this guy who said he wasn't looking for anything serious but if something developed, then that'd be fine. I thought that matched up with what I felt too. Some interests in common, seemed nice enough.
When we first met up, there wasn't much interest from either side for anything more than friendship. Totally fine by me

Then things developed, started sleeping together when we went on days out. Again fine by me for fwb situation. But he kept messaging me and telling me that he really liked me.... So after a few weeks of this I asked what we were, sex was weirdly intimate and he kept telling me he liked me. He then rebounds and tells me that he was clear we were only friends. Again fine, but we decided we weren't sleeping together anymore because it was confusing matters.

Fast forward and we're sleeping together again... He seems to repeatedly bring up that he really likes me, occasionally when we're out he refers to things as romantic and seems to try to get me to tell him how much I like him. He has mentioned girls he's chatted up and that he still thinks about his ex sometimes. I know... 🙄

Sometimes I feel like he likes me around to stroke his ego and then other times he seems so nice and maybe he's just not in the right headspace for a relationship

I guess it just makes me feel a bit like he's being manipulative when making all the right noises like he wants something more but backtracking when questioned on it. I don't know if that's just because he's nervous though or if he is genuinely a bit of a dick.

@OutlandishBird thank you for sharing that, yes I don't think he's a physical danger to me. The ego boost for him definitely rings true though. Don't know why it's so hard for me to cut this off, well done for staying strong and not messaging him back.

He's fucking with your head. Most likely on purpose. Throw him back and move on.

Well I confronted him on the arseholeish behaviour... He's convinced himself that he didn't mislead me on purpose... God I hate men on sometimes, thinks of me as his best friend apparently. So angry at myself for getting pulled in
Should've ran months ago

Hey OP, I was in exactly the same boat as you, do you know much about your fwbs relationship history? Mine has previously been so hurt he wasn't prepared to give his heart to someone else, neither of us wanted anything other than casual when we went in to it. Things eventually came to a head and it was make it break, we've worked together to get him to open up and take that risk again and we've now been together 4 years, trying for a baby, planning to move in and for our future, so they're not always f boys, however if this is not the case then get out now, plenty more guys out there only looking for casual.

Apparently the ex that he was pining over a few weeks ago he didn't find attractive, just felt obligated to be with her because she was like his best friend... So seems like it's rinse and repeat
Think he enjoyed winning me over for the confidence boost but had no intention of following through.
Don't think I could ever trust him again even if he confessed his undying love to me to be honest
Just feel such an idiot and so angry with myself

Just your typical f boy then! Not sure where it all went so wrong! Actually I do, the rise of OLDs and grass is always greener 🙄 the right person will be out there x

Following this thread, things improved a bit. No more hot and cold, he stopped saying things to change things to a romantic position. A lot more stable fwb situation
Then I said I was thinking of going back to dating in a few months (once I have some more free time to invest in the whole thing). I wanted to give him the heads up that things will change and it'll go back to friend scenario.
Since then he's said he wouldn't want to see me with anyone else. I pointed out the obvious that you can't expect someone to stick with a fwb situation forever. I think I'm in a better headspace to find something more serious now and although it's fun, it's not long term.
He's admitted he doesn't feel like he wants a relationship with anyone at the moment but wants to want one... He's starting counselling asap to work through his commit issues.
I think I'm gonna see what happens over the next few months. Don't know what I want tbh. I guess I'm not in a huge rush to start dating, but I don't think I can wait forever for him to change his mind

Would you put a time limit on it before starting to date other people? Or just start dating again and if it happens with him in the end then fine?

He still sounds like a head fuck to me - I CBA with the drama. I’d start dating again and keep an open mind, if anything happens with him then fine, but if not, also fine

FWB situations rarely work it seems. In the end someone always end up confused/hurt and it becomes too complicated.

Maybe you simply need to stop seeing the man and when you are ready start dating properly rather than having to deal with this type of drama just for the sake of sex...

your most recent post seems almost a carbon copy of your op...

I guess the difference for me now is the fact he seems to being a bit more honest at the moment. Rather than saying he likes me and then he doesn't. He's saying than he wants to work on it with counselling of why a relationship scenario makes him push people away

I wouldn't even consider anything unless he put some work into it and could confidently say that is what he wants without the maybe I do, maybe I don't want you behaviour.

I guess it's whether I wait it out in the hope that he'll sort himself out with what he wants or move on regardless