Teenager in trouble please give advice.

[Worried1234567890]

I'm posting here because of traffic, I've looked on the teenage and parenting threads and they don't get many if any responses.

I really need some advice,tips and guidance because I'm struggling with my teens behaviour and a situation that has been unearthed.

The situation is I discovered my teen (male) was being groomed online by older men up to 39 years of age across the world. As soon as I found out I rang the police and we are now working with all agencies for example SS etc. He never met with any of these men, however I'm not going to go into detail of what I found for privacy sake.

Fast forward a week or so and he is getting angrier and more volcanic, he's like a bomb waiting to explode. I've done everything I can to possibly safeguard and ensure it cannot happen again.

He's now not bothering to come home straight from school, yesterday he didn't come back home until around 5:15pm and he was with a friend I didn't have contact details for. I was out of my mind with worry and rang around all friends I had contact numbers for and even a local youth club he attends he wasn't with any of them. When he strolled in I was on the phone to the police reporting him as missing which they closed the case as he was home safe, anyway when he walked in I burst into tears (still on the phone to the police) told him he had scared me and worried me sick and he started to have a go at me, I sent his friend home and he started to have a go at me even more, storming off upstairs. When I went upstairs to talk to him he continued to scream at me, so I took his console and phone away from him (he wasn't supposed to have the phone because he was swearing at me that morning so he didn't take it to school) he was still stomping and shouting at me and in the end I lost it, I'd been keeping myself and him together since I found out what had happened, but it all had to come out eventually, I ended up sobbing and telling him he's going to end up killing me with all these stunts he keeps pulling (all of this happened whilst I was in the grips of panic attacks), my parents have taken him to their house for the weekend. I feel like I've failed and I've messed up massively, because now I have to call SW and explain what happened yesterday, I genuinely feel like I can't send him to school because he won't come home straight after and he never tells me what he's doing like staying out with friends etc even if he has phone with him. I need to get SS to agree to send a taxi for him to pick him up and send him to school and bring him home to the door. His school is a bus ride away. Can't go to local school due to past bullying. I'm at the point where I think I'm going to end up back on antidepressants (which I don't want because they make me feel sick and exhausted and physically unwell for ages) I've booked myself in for therapy.

My son doesn't and has never listened to my rules none of them are unreasonable, he will ignore me and do whatever he wants and I know he does whatever he wants because he will tell me so. He doesn't sleep properly, he is always on the defensive and ready to argue at any given moment. He has zero respect for me and how he speaks to me and about me to his friends means his friends have zero respect for me.

To anyone who knows him he is neurodiverse but because we have SS involved CAMHs won't do anything because they don't want to 'mask' his issues!! But these issues are crippling us as a family, I'm a single mum with my teen son and my toddler son.

I'm honestly struggling to handle my teen. He is suffering mentally and no one can help because he won't talk and when he does talk he's given advice that we've tried and doesn't work.

What am I supposed to do? The lack of respect has been a thing for a few years now. The not coming home on time is the same been happening for a few years but he used to actually tell me where he was. He says if he sees me at his school after school finishes or anyone like my parents he's going to leg it, so he's becoming a flight risk. I don't know what to do or where to turn. I feel like a massive failure of a mother and like I'm letting everyone down, I'm supposed to be strong and keep it all together but I couldn't even do that yesterday, I was genuinely so scared and my mind was in overdrive with worry and 'what ifs'.

Sorry for the long post

How old is he?

@Seeline 13

Is there any reason why he can't hang out with friends after school - as long as he lets you know of course?
That's fairly normal for teens.

Is his Dad around?

How old is he - I can’t see that you’ve mentioned it.

Can I ask though ... why is it SO important for him to come straight home from school? Why can’t he go to a friends house? If you could work on being more flexible then he will probably be less headstrong too. I get you’re worried about the online grooming but why can’t he go to friends.

Secondly - don’t ban him having his phone if you desperately need to contact him and are ringing round his friends and the police! Is counter productive!

Some of the things you’ve said to him are very unfair (you’re going to kill me) - that’s not a fair thing to say to anyone, let alone your teenage child.

You say he ignores the rules, none of which are unreasonable. Is this really the truth, given some of the other things you’ve said on here I wonder if he feels some of these rules are really quite unfair. If he can be involved in a discussion about what fair rules might look like he could have his say.

I'm sorry OP, sounds tough.

You say you have a toddler too, what was the situation there, do they have the same dad? What was the split like and when? If your teen has been like this for a few years could it be related to the new sibling after 10 years as an only, and/or your relationship split?

Just suggestions; sometimes finding the root cause makes the symptoms easier to treat x

Not coming home straight from school is fairly normal teenage behaviour. I'm bit confused didnhe take his phone to school or not? If he didn't have it then he couldn't contact you and you couldn't contact him. If you use taking his phone off him as a punishment then this is the kind of thing that can happen. I realise you are probably hyper sensitive to danger given his experience with the grooming but on the face of it without any further information or examples you seem to be over reacting slightly to what is normal teenage thoughtlessness.

From what you have written it sounds like you are turning his crisis into your drama.
Separate out the issues. Grooming, obviously awful. Is it attention seeking? Bullying, awful. Is this linked to needing acceptance and validation from online searches and then speaking to the men?
Coming in at 5.15, reporting him to the police as missing and telling him he will kill you is overreacting, manipulative and unnecessary. 5 is not late. Pick your battles. Build your relationship in positive ways.
You dropped in 'neurodiverse'. If he is, you may need to explore this further.

Can you agree to some freedom if in return you put the ‘find my friends’ app on his phone so you can always see where he is? I think at 13 he wants to do what his friends are doing even if I totally understand this is a worry to you because of past history. He may just want to be with friends? If he turns the app off or something when he’s out then he doesn’t get to go out for a week and someone collects him from school? Just an idea as to be honest I don’t understand the additional needs.

Can I gently ask why he is having ongoing punishment for the behaviour of adult men ?

The shame and embarrassment of all this coming to light was surely punishment enough ? You trying to control his movements after school is too restrictive, he is bound to push against it

This exact same situation has happened to my son. We treated him with care and kindness, not punitively. He was struggling massively with his sexuality and acting out in the only way he knew how. He was also masking significant MH problems and hiding difficulties with physical and mental bullying at school. What conversations have you had about his sexuality ?

All this heightened emotion has to go somewhere and you are his “safe” space to show it. Please stop trying to make him hide his distress by emotionally blackmailing him about your own MH. All that will do will increase his guilt and thus his feelings of anger and powerlessness

Keep working with SS, push for more counselling for him. Back off the groundings and the punishments. Take care of your own self by realising you have your own life and very soon he will be in full control of his.

Good luck, I know how devastating this is. But remember, this has happened to him not to you.

I agree you need to separate the issues.

You need to rebuild your relationship with him and agree rules and boundaries.

Can your dad talk to him?

I’d look at doing 2 things.

Setting sone house rules that you work on together. So showing respect, letting you know where he is and what time he will be home.

Then I’d talk to him about the importance of mental health and come up with a list of things he can do to help his mental health and ask that he do 3 a day. So exercise, drinking water, writing out his feelings.
It is tough being a teen, we all remember that. And 💐 to you. It’s even tougher being a parent of a teen. Especially if you are doing it on your own.

@ @DropYourSword he is allowed to go out with friends but he has to tell me that he's going out with friends it is pretty normal yes but the SW is doing an assessment to see if he needs to be on a child protection plan or child in need plan due to the grooming online. He's now classed as a vulnerable child and I need to know where he is and if he's safe.
The rules I have are:
No swearing at me or brother
Come home from school and get changed then he can go out
Be home for 8pm if going out with friends/youth club.
That's it those are the 3 main rules they aren't unreasonable.

You have to put yourself in my shoes for 5 minutes, I've discovered my child has been groomed, I've got referrals coming out of my ears for him, I've got several people calling on a near daily basis about him to see how he is/what support they can offer etc and it can get overwhelming when you are trying to process what has been discovered and what has happened to your child. Then when your child starts to act up like this and refuses to come home etc it's all abit too much this has all happened in such a short space of time.

Yes I was in the wrong for saying that and I hold my hands up to that. It was disgusting what I said and I feel like shit for saying it. I was so overwhelmed and panicking it all got too much.

The bottom line though is I need to know where he is at all times now.

Taking the phone was a stupid move and I see that now, I thought i was doing the right thing with instilling consequences to his swearing behaviour but I was clearly very wrong in that.

A pp asked about his dad, his dad died in 2019 by suicide, something my son now idealises and keeps me up at night when he's in a particular bad way and threatening to do what his dad did.

My sympathies op, teenage boys can be horrid. However, some questions and tips:

Q
Does he have a sound friendship group?
Where is his dad?
How is he doing at school?
Does he have any specific interests that could be nurtured (music, chess, football)?

Suggestions
Tracker on phone
Clear agreed boundaries
There may be a community mediator available who could help
Computer in a common area of the home and clear boundaries around bedtime
Turn the Internet off when he goes to bed.

A pp asked about his dad, his dad died in 2019 by suicide, something my son now idealises and keeps me up at night when he's in a particular bad way and threatening to do what his dad did.

Oh I'm so sorry OP, for all of you

Has he / did he have any grief counselling?

He's been groomed online and you're calling the police when he comes home at 5.25pm?
You need to take a step back. Get a tracking app for his phone and give him some independence. At the same time change his password and remove any social media apps. Don't punish him for being the victim of grooming.

I am so sorry for both of you about his dad.

It might be worth contacting Relate - they have moved into the adolescent/family counselling space and are means tested.

What sticks out to me from this post is that you’re trying very hard to control him and he’s resisting by getting more out of control. It’s not working.

How about a reset? A discussion with him about how you want to start afresh, that you want to spend his teens guiding him not arguing with him, that you want to be his rock, not his prison guard. Then come up with some new rules. Let him stay out for an hour or so after school and text you to say his on his way home. Tell him he can build your trust by sticking to this. Trust between you means an easier life for both of you - you don’t have to worry, he doesn’t get told off all the time. Sell him this new way of living!

Also, I’m sorry you’re struggling BUT you shouldn’t be telling him it’s all going to kill you. That’s not fair. He doesn’t know what to do with that. You’re the adult. Be the equivalent of “professional” when you’re parenting. Save the emotional stuff for your friends / DP / counselling.

Coming home from school to change and then go out is not going to work for a teen. His mates will have hung out for a while, grabbed something to eat etc and then dispersed by the time he gets back out. You will be much better off saying he can stay out for an hour or two, as long as he lets you know what he is up to, and then coming home by a certain time.

I’m really sorry if you felt I was being mean or critical @Worried1234567890 - definitely not my intention! It’s clear you’re very anxious about this all, so just trying to make suggestions to help things out.
Your rules:

No swearing at me or brother - entirely reasonable
Come home from school and get changed then he can go out - why this? Why can’t he just go to his friends in his uniform. Given you said he’s a bus ride away and he has an 8pm curfew, that’s going to cut into his time to socialise
Be home for 8pm if going out with friends/youth club. Seems reasonable to have a curfew. Other parents of teenagers might be able to inform better whether this is an ok time. Doesn’t seem insane to me. Could he have a little more leeway on weekends?

Not sure if that really is all your rules. You’ve not mentioned here for example that if he goes somewhere he needs to tell you where he’s going. Not because you’ll say no. But just because you need to know he’s ok.

It’s good you’ve reflected on taking his phone and realised it’s probably not the best approach for next time!

You’ve been through a shit load. It must be extremely tough. I know you love your son very much and you’re trying your very hardest to protect him. It might just be that he doesn’t quite realise that if he feels it’s coming across as you shouting and nagging at him. At 13 he’s certainly not thinking like an adult!

All I want to do is protect my son and keep him safe.

He does have trackers on the phone and now I'm seeing it in a new light of day I was stupid and so wrong in taking the phone away for the day, it was punishment for the onslaught of swearing I had thrown at me. Ironically my punishment from him was him not coming home.

In regards to his dad he didn't really know him, he has had brief bereavement counselling but they ceased appointments after 4 sessions because they can't help him when he didn't know his dad if that makes sense? It doesn't make sense to me but that's what they said and stopped the therapy. We are hoping to access some more bereavement therapy in the very near future its waiting lists that get us.

I'm so scared for my son and I'm only trying to be a good mum to him, I do support him yesterday was a terrible day in which my panic and anxiety got the better of me. He is usually the sweetest, lovely young man.

Has he had any kind of trauma or bereavement support following his dad's death?

What exactly was involved in this grooming? Was it sexual, or is he getting involved in drugs running (aka county lines).

Have you had trauma or bereavement counselling? Were you in a relationship with your son's father or separated?

Sorry, xpost.

It sounds like bereavement counselling might not be right in that case. Maybe trauma focused therapy would be better.

I would recommend you read one of the books by Ross Greene. The explosive child, if you feel his behaviour is explosive, or raising human beings, if you don't feel that label applies.

He’s not to blame for being groomed - he’s done nothing wrong there even if you think his behaviour online wasn’t safe, he’s done nothing wrong.

Your relationship with him sounds combatant, this is your child, he’s vulnerable (though you may not see that), he needs you to be on his side. Grooming has a huge impact on children that they can’t see because they’re on it. He might have found it exciting or felt grown up (groomers do an amazing job of separating kids from parents by treating them like “adults”), he may have liked the social contact and by the time it got harmful he was already drawn in. He’ll have all kinds of feelings about it ending - anger, unfairness, fear, loneliness etc etc.

You really need to stop seeing him as the problem here. You said if he does talk he gets given advice - is there anywhere he can just talk, without being judged or told how silly he’s been or being given advice, just space for him to be heard?

Can you start to reset your relationship with him? Listen to him, and listen some more. Agree what should happen if he wants to go to a friends house (he calls you, texts you, is home by X time). He seems to be going to school so I’d trust him to go - if you start making school a battle ground, he’ll simply refuse to go which removes that layer of support and protection. SS aren’t going to taxi him to and from school because he wants to go to a friends house after school and it’s a level of control too far.

Have you put counselling in place for yourself? You’ve been impacted by the grooming too and will have all kinds of feelings which seem to be spilling into your parenting of him - counselling can give you a safe space which might relieve the tension at home.

You need to try and look beyond the behaviour and see what’s there, have some empathy for him and how he’s feeling. Even in bigger kids behaviour is communication- what’s he trying to tell you about how he’s coping?

I’d echo the suggestion of trauma focussed therapy for you both - both for the loss of his dad and the grooming.

At the moment you’re coming from a place of fear, which is completely understandable, but it’s getting in the way of your relationship with him at a time when he really needs you.