Teenager in trouble please give advice.

[Worried1234567890]

I'm posting here because of traffic, I've looked on the teenage and parenting threads and they don't get many if any responses.

I really need some advice,tips and guidance because I'm struggling with my teens behaviour and a situation that has been unearthed.

The situation is I discovered my teen (male) was being groomed online by older men up to 39 years of age across the world. As soon as I found out I rang the police and we are now working with all agencies for example SS etc. He never met with any of these men, however I'm not going to go into detail of what I found for privacy sake.

Fast forward a week or so and he is getting angrier and more volcanic, he's like a bomb waiting to explode. I've done everything I can to possibly safeguard and ensure it cannot happen again.

He's now not bothering to come home straight from school, yesterday he didn't come back home until around 5:15pm and he was with a friend I didn't have contact details for. I was out of my mind with worry and rang around all friends I had contact numbers for and even a local youth club he attends he wasn't with any of them. When he strolled in I was on the phone to the police reporting him as missing which they closed the case as he was home safe, anyway when he walked in I burst into tears (still on the phone to the police) told him he had scared me and worried me sick and he started to have a go at me, I sent his friend home and he started to have a go at me even more, storming off upstairs. When I went upstairs to talk to him he continued to scream at me, so I took his console and phone away from him (he wasn't supposed to have the phone because he was swearing at me that morning so he didn't take it to school) he was still stomping and shouting at me and in the end I lost it, I'd been keeping myself and him together since I found out what had happened, but it all had to come out eventually, I ended up sobbing and telling him he's going to end up killing me with all these stunts he keeps pulling (all of this happened whilst I was in the grips of panic attacks), my parents have taken him to their house for the weekend. I feel like I've failed and I've messed up massively, because now I have to call SW and explain what happened yesterday, I genuinely feel like I can't send him to school because he won't come home straight after and he never tells me what he's doing like staying out with friends etc even if he has phone with him. I need to get SS to agree to send a taxi for him to pick him up and send him to school and bring him home to the door. His school is a bus ride away. Can't go to local school due to past bullying. I'm at the point where I think I'm going to end up back on antidepressants (which I don't want because they make me feel sick and exhausted and physically unwell for ages) I've booked myself in for therapy.

My son doesn't and has never listened to my rules none of them are unreasonable, he will ignore me and do whatever he wants and I know he does whatever he wants because he will tell me so. He doesn't sleep properly, he is always on the defensive and ready to argue at any given moment. He has zero respect for me and how he speaks to me and about me to his friends means his friends have zero respect for me.

To anyone who knows him he is neurodiverse but because we have SS involved CAMHs won't do anything because they don't want to 'mask' his issues!! But these issues are crippling us as a family, I'm a single mum with my teen son and my toddler son.

I'm honestly struggling to handle my teen. He is suffering mentally and no one can help because he won't talk and when he does talk he's given advice that we've tried and doesn't work.

What am I supposed to do? The lack of respect has been a thing for a few years now. The not coming home on time is the same been happening for a few years but he used to actually tell me where he was. He says if he sees me at his school after school finishes or anyone like my parents he's going to leg it, so he's becoming a flight risk. I don't know what to do or where to turn. I feel like a massive failure of a mother and like I'm letting everyone down, I'm supposed to be strong and keep it all together but I couldn't even do that yesterday, I was genuinely so scared and my mind was in overdrive with worry and 'what ifs'.

Sorry for the long post

@Jellycatspyjamas I have never blamed him for the grooming, if anything I blame myself for not seeing the signs/not knowing about it.

To add to the context of him going out with friends, it is not an issue for him to see his friends, he also doesn't hang around with any friends in the area his school is, his friends are here in the area we live, so asking him to come home and get changed isn't a huge deal in my opinion as all his friends do the same thing, they go home, get changed and then go back out, for Context they all live in a 10 minute radius of each other.

I will be attempting the reset relationship suggestion and going forward he can have input on things like rules/expectations etc, il add I've done this in the past and he won't even stick to his own rules that he wanted to implement himself. But il try it again

I don't expect SS to ferry him to and from school just so he can't see his friends that's not the case at all, if anything if they put a taxi on for him it benefits him because he will be home the same time as his friends who go to the same school and who get picked up by their parents (no room in cars as they all have siblings x2/3) so it wouldn't cut into any time he has out it would increase the time by a good hour.

I've never dealt with this situation before so yes I may be being too controlling etc but it's all from a place of needing to protect and safeguard not from a 'I must control him he can't live his life as a normal teen' place. I'm also overwhelmed/frustrated (with myself)/hurting/scared/anxious and I'm learning how to deal with this situation it's never happened to me before, it's never happened to my friends or their kids, there's no text book that tells you how to handle this, I feel completely alone with this because no one I know understands what it feels like to have to handle this and I've got it wrong at times in handling it and dealing with it and supporting him I know I have but nobody can prepare you for this situation :(

You have to put yourself in my shoes for 5 minutes, I've discovered my child has been groomed, I've got referrals coming out of my ears for him, I've got several people calling on a near daily basis about him to see how he is/what support they can offer etc and it can get overwhelming when you are trying to process what has been discovered and what has happened to your child. Then when your child starts to act up like this and refuses to come home etc it's all abit too much this has all happened in such a short space of time.

It can be very overwhelming to have a whole bunch of agencies involved, and honestly it can feel like a criticism of your parenting even if the actual risk comes from outside the home. And there’s so little emotional supports for parents going through the assessment process, and you can feel very exposed which can make you try to control everything in an effort to show them you’re a good parent.

You are a good parent. You clearly care deeply for your son and while he isn’t to blame for being groomed - it’s not your fault either. These people are very highly skilled at what they do, they draw kids in and can deceive parents too. You’re not to blame for this.

The professionals involved have a job to do - if he does end up on a child protection plan try to see it as a support to you, validation of your fears for your child - they aren’t protecting him from you, you aren’t the risk here, the groomers are.

You have a lot on your plate, your child is vulnerable but again, you aren’t what’s making him vulnerable. The wish to wrap him up, keep him close and safe is natural but he’s too big for that. You can’t control all of this.

OP, your situation reminded me of my youth: single mother and 2 DCs, one of them (me) rebellious. We were not allowed to go anywhere or meet our friends after school- all in the name of 'not going off the rails'. I did go off the rails, eventually, when at Uni, but my teenage years are not a happy memory.
If you do not allow your DC to meet anybody after school IRL, he will seek friendships online- and that is a slippery slope, as you've already found out.
Let him be a teenager, invite his friends to your house- you want to meet them and to know them.

In the past few years he has gotten a new sibling and his dad died. That's huge. Plus his dad was absent. He will now never know him. I was in a similar situation and it's extremely painful and confusing.
Is the dad of your other child in the picture?
How long was he around for? That would be another loss.
He's been through a lot. 💔

Poor lad has been through so much and I can understand how tough that has been on you too, particularly with a toddler in the picture and doing it all on your own.

I don't know if it would help or hinder given you're already stressed about multi agency involvement, but you could check out the following or suggest your DS does...

Winston's Wish is a charity that supports bereaved children and I imagine may have more specialised counsellors that are better equipped to deal with your specific situation.

Barnardo also offer support to families and children who need mental health/emotional wellbeing support. I used to work in a secondary school and they often got involved with kids that sound similar to your lad.

My teen daughter also found the Kooth website really helpful with MH support a few years ago when XH and I were divorcing. It's a service that's paid for by local councils so you'll need to check if yours subscribes.

Also, are you getting any support? I know you said you've signed uo for more therapy...How's the wait time?

You're dealing with something really challenging and there's no shame in doing back on medication for a while if it helps you cope.

Also if it all comes to a head as it did the other day, the SHOUT text service for support is absolutely brilliant.

giveusashout.org/