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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Ex is being cruel to my parents. not sure what to do

46 replies

shedreamer · 13/01/2022 21:47

Hi there, any advice?
As described in my previous threads, I am divorcing my husband (after many unreasonable and manipulative behaviours on his part).

My parents have made an effort to message him to say they felt sorry about the break-up and still want to have civil contact as he is the father of their granddaughter. He never responded and when they sent him a small gift token for xmas, he did not acknowledge it. He tried to get me to give it back, but I refused, told him it would be hurtful and that he could send it back to them himself if he wanted or spend the token on our daughter?
When I asked him about the texts, he said he had not received them (even though there were clearly 2 blue ticks on the message on my mums phone).
I asked again, and he said he had blocked my mum on Watsapp before xmas. Why he did not say that at the start I have no idea. I asked him why he has done this, he got really hostile and said he never wants communication with my mum again! He hasn't had the curtesy to tell her this himself, just left her to assume. Now he is leaving me to tell her as she keeps asking me why he is ignoring her.
I feel really upset he is behaving like this towards my parents who have supported him in many ways over 13 years and been part of his life.
I understand that some people want to do that when divorcing but I think he is being unnecessarily cruel towards them.
I have reached out to his parents and sister and am on good terms with them. They sent me gifts for xmas and I thanked them. It's nt rocket science being polite. I thought he would give my family the same respect as they were not involved in our break-up.
I'm now worried that he will pass his negative views about my parents onto our daughter who is 12. I don't trust him at all and feel really upset he is behaving this way by hurting people I love.
I probably should not be surprised as he used to frequently stone-wall me and ignore me when we were married, he was psychologically manipulative much of the time for a period before I ended the marriage.
Am I being unreasonable and OTT about this. I'm open to different opinions. I just feel so upset right now it's hard to think clearly.

OP posts:

LethargicActress · 13/01/2022 21:49

If he doesn’t want the marriage to end, he’s doing it just as a ‘fuck you’.

multiplemum3 · 13/01/2022 21:51

I get why you're upset but they're your parents, not his

PonyPatter44 · 13/01/2022 21:51

Stop trying to compel a relationship. He clearly doesn't want to stay in contact with your parents so just let it go. Its very kind of your parents to send him a gift at Christmas, but perhaps its time for you all to stop trying to pretend that a relationship is possible.

picklemewalnuts · 13/01/2022 21:53

He really doesn't have to play nice with your parents. He isn't obliged to keep the peace anymore. There's no real reason he should have to.

I get it, in an ideal world people are mature, and polite unless there's good reason not to be.

But he's angry and upset. Why would he bother?

MichelleScarn · 13/01/2022 21:54

I don't think he's being cruel as such, a rude twat yes, but they're not entitled to a relationship with him.

5zeds · 13/01/2022 21:54

He is under no obligation to interact with your parents. You are divorcing, and your point of contact is your child. Beyond that he can do whatever he likes and behave however he pleases.

Honeyroar · 13/01/2022 21:54

It’s not unreasonable for him to want a clean break from your whole family. It’s lovely of your family to reach out, but you should all realise that things have changed. He should have said thank you but you shouldn’t have got in the middle telling him what he should’ve done. Your mum will have worked it out, I expect. If he’s so horrible then a clean break might be better anyway?

SummerInSun · 13/01/2022 21:58

Your parents sound like thoroughly decent people. His parents sound like thoroughly decent people.

You ex doesn't sound like a thoroughly decent person, which is presumably why you are getting divorced. Or to be more charitable about it, your ex doesn't sound like he is in a place where he can be civil, let alone friendly, with your family. He's entitled to feel like that and you can't force it. The passage of time may help, or he may feel that while he has to keep having contact with you because of the DC, that doesn't extend to your wider family.

Your mother has done everything she can by sending a signal that she is willing to stay on amicable terms if he wants to. Now it's time to leave the ball in his court.

MarbleQueen · 13/01/2022 22:09

I would be pretty pissed off if my parents did this. He’s treated you like shit. Why on earth do your parents want “civil contact” with him?

They should be supporting you and your child, not fucking around sending gifts to your manipulative ex.

GinIronic · 13/01/2022 22:15

Your parents need to leave it. He is not appreciative of their good nature. Not everyone is kind, civil or polite - if he was - he wouldn’t be an ex.

Original poster

shedreamer · 16/01/2022 09:51

Thanks everyone. It's helped put things into perspective. I was very upset when I wrote the post. I still think he is going about things in a divisive way but of course i don't expect him to be friendly with my family when we are going through divorce etc. I just worry that occasions for our daughter will be marred by him ignoring people or not being there. I guess its all still very raw for both of us and he has perfect right to deal with it as he chooses. We are very different so that's a reminder of why we did not work as a couple ultimately.
I just hope as the dust settled, he will lift the vendetta against my family and be civil but thats a hope, not an expectation anymore

OP posts:

Kbyodjs · 16/01/2022 10:16

What kind of occasions are you worried about being marred? I think it’s fair to assume that birthdays and Christmas will be spent separately especially at your DDs age. I’ve been in my DSDs life for 7 years and in that time DH hasn’t seen her other grandparents as there’s just been no occasion to.

AgentJohnson · 16/01/2022 10:40

Vendetta! Yes he’s being a bit of a child but don’t make more of this then what it is. He is being clear about the type of relationship he wants to have with your parents, you don’t have to agree or to like it but you don’t get a say.

Blossom64265 · 16/01/2022 10:44

Simply ceasing contact with your parents is not cruel. It’s a divorce. He doesn’t have to have any relationship with your family if that is his choice.

User478 · 16/01/2022 10:44

Surely the best bit about getting divorced is that you don't need to pretend to like your in-laws anymore?

PossiblyDreaming · 16/01/2022 10:48

It’s not a vendetta ffs, he just doesn’t want to maintain contact with your parents. If they haven’t figured that out by now then you need to make it perfectly clear to them that he is you ex for a reason and that they have absolutely zero reason to maintain contact with him. I would be pretty pissed off if my ex PIL’s wanted to maintain a relationship with me when their son is perfectly capable of facilitating visits with our dc.

aslug · 16/01/2022 10:53

From what you've described it's not a vendetta - he just wants to be left alone. He probably thinks your parents are pestering him and you have to tell them to stop.

Yes, it would be nice if he could be civil but he doesn't want that. Your DP's relationship with their DGD has to be through you and not him.

Jsku · 16/01/2022 11:00

Divorced are hard enough, and I don’t think you need to involve other people in the process. PIL really should stay out of it.
Your parents repeatedly reaching out to him, and asking you why he is ignoring them - ja really tone deaf.
Not sure why you think a 12 will take his behaviour towards your parents as something to consider in her relationship with her grand parents. Presumably she has her own established relationship with them.

Finally - once you divorce - and especially if it isn’t amicable (as it seems) - you won’t have large extended family events. At least not for a while. So - his behaviour is irrelevant, really

MintJulia · 16/01/2022 11:07

He's entitled to choose his own friends, you can't decide for him.
It's still early in the divorce process, you have at least another six years of co-parenting to get through amicably so back off and let emotions calm down.
Your 12yo is old enough to have her own opinions so don't worry about that. Dcs aren't daft, they can spot manipulation a mile off.

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 16/01/2022 11:07

He's within his rights not to have any contact with them if he doesn't want to. Tell your parents to stop now.

There's no reason for him to be at any extended family events . Ds1 is almost 27 and I've not seen his dad for about 10 years and before that only when I bumped into him in the pub. My family haven't seen him for even longer and it's not down to disliking him

Branleuse · 16/01/2022 11:19

Hes not being cruel, hes being clear and hes not responding, so im not sure why theyre so desperate to keep in touch with him when he clearly doesnt want to. I personally wouldnt want my parents to keep in touch with my ex husband more than being friendly if they see him, but not messages and gifts. I think thats kind of weird

Tomeeornottomee · 16/01/2022 11:25

YABVU. And over dramatic. He has no vendetta against them. He’s not out for revenge. I assume he’s not making threats or abusing them in any way? He simply doesn’t want any more contact. Frankly your mother’s insistence of a continuing relationship with him is odd.

knittingaddict · 16/01/2022 11:37

I think your parents are being a bit naive about this.

Admittedly our ex son in law was abusive, but we did the only right thing we could do and ignored him and all his efforts to contact us. If he hadn't been abusive I still think that I would have concentrated on my daughter and grandchildren rather than instigate contact with the ex.

MatildaJayne · 16/01/2022 11:37

I was really sorry to lose contact with my exH’s family, they were all decent people that I’d grown to love. But once divorced, they were his family, not mine. I have never spoken to them again, I just exchange Christmas cards. I think this is fairly normal?

Toanewstart22 · 16/01/2022 11:39

He’s not being cruel

He just doesn’t want a relationship with your parents

Totally fair enough

Presumably they can see your child when with YOU

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