Ex is being cruel to my parents. not sure what to do

[shedreamer]

Hi there, any advice?
As described in my previous threads, I am divorcing my husband (after many unreasonable and manipulative behaviours on his part).

My parents have made an effort to message him to say they felt sorry about the break-up and still want to have civil contact as he is the father of their granddaughter. He never responded and when they sent him a small gift token for xmas, he did not acknowledge it. He tried to get me to give it back, but I refused, told him it would be hurtful and that he could send it back to them himself if he wanted or spend the token on our daughter?
When I asked him about the texts, he said he had not received them (even though there were clearly 2 blue ticks on the message on my mums phone).
I asked again, and he said he had blocked my mum on Watsapp before xmas. Why he did not say that at the start I have no idea. I asked him why he has done this, he got really hostile and said he never wants communication with my mum again! He hasn't had the curtesy to tell her this himself, just left her to assume. Now he is leaving me to tell her as she keeps asking me why he is ignoring her.
I feel really upset he is behaving like this towards my parents who have supported him in many ways over 13 years and been part of his life.
I understand that some people want to do that when divorcing but I think he is being unnecessarily cruel towards them.
I have reached out to his parents and sister and am on good terms with them. They sent me gifts for xmas and I thanked them. It's nt rocket science being polite. I thought he would give my family the same respect as they were not involved in our break-up.
I'm now worried that he will pass his negative views about my parents onto our daughter who is 12. I don't trust him at all and feel really upset he is behaving this way by hurting people I love.
I probably should not be surprised as he used to frequently stone-wall me and ignore me when we were married, he was psychologically manipulative much of the time for a period before I ended the marriage.
Am I being unreasonable and OTT about this. I'm open to different opinions. I just feel so upset right now it's hard to think clearly.

I think this absolutely normal when divorce occurs. People do not stay in touch with their in laws - why would they? They are ''moving on''. Divorce is hard on children.

I also think he's well within his actual and emotional rights to cut off contact with your family.

I think when you are getting divorced and there is /has been bad feelings you really have to pick your battles.
And trying to force your ex to have a relationship with your parents is not one worth pursuing.
I am sure your parents have met a lot of different people in their lives and have dealt with them appropriately. While I understand they want to keep things on an even keel for the sake of your daughter, your ex just wants to draw a line under the relationship. Neither is wrong.
Just let things settle. The next big 'family gathering' is probably some years away and hopefully all the dust will have settled by then.
Onward and upward as they say.

This is bonkers.

You're divorcing him because he's a dick. Your parents decide that they want to remain in touch with him regardless. He makes it clear he's not interested - and now your parents are getting upset and wanting you to get involved?

Tell your parents that if they choose to contact him then it's nothing to do with you, and that you don't want to hear about it. Their choice - their responsibility to deal with whatever fallout results.

Stop trying to control his relationships with other people! He isnt being cruel, he is going NC, probably because he realises you will try and emotionally manipulate him through your parents. You need to let go.

I don't think keeping in touch with the ex -inlaws is standard. He shouldn't be rude to them, but nor should they force it on him, out of respect for you more than anything.

On the flip side though, I remember my dad not acknowledging my Nan's(DM's mum) death at all, which I found hurtful as she had been his MiL for 25 years and they'd never had a bad word between them.

@BackBackBack

This is bonkers.

You're divorcing him because he's a dick. Your parents decide that they want to remain in touch with him regardless. He makes it clear he's not interested - and now your parents are getting upset and wanting you to get involved?

Tell your parents that if they choose to contact him then it's nothing to do with you, and that you don't want to hear about it. Their choice - their responsibility to deal with whatever fallout results.

This.

I would be treating his parents EXACTLY how he treats yours. Don’t fall for his manipulation. And if he does badmouth your parents to your kids then don’t faciliate any visits to his parents during your time with them - let him do it on his time and on his money

I would be treating his parents EXACTLY how he treats yours.

Or you could be an adult and conduct your own relationships independently of how poorly and entirely separate individual is behaving? Try it, you’ll be much happier.

You're divorcing because he's horrible. Why would then be surprised because he behaves horribly to your parents? That's who he is.
He might try to influence your daughter but you just have to counterbalance that. Your daughter's 12. She'll figure out who's who over the next couple of years.

Yes he’s a twat but he’s under no obligation to have a relationship with your parents

@BackBackBack

This is bonkers.

You're divorcing him because he's a dick. Your parents decide that they want to remain in touch with him regardless. He makes it clear he's not interested - and now your parents are getting upset and wanting you to get involved?

Tell your parents that if they choose to contact him then it's nothing to do with you, and that you don't want to hear about it. Their choice - their responsibility to deal with whatever fallout results.

Absolutely this.

Why you would be winding yourself up over this I don't know.

I think in balance your parents are being more unreasonable tbh. Why on earth do they want to keep in touch and send presents to the man that abused their daughter? That's the weird bit, not him not wanting to stay in touch with his ex in laws.

It's bizarre that you think your ex would even want to continue to have a relationship with your parents. You all need to let this go, and your parents should not contact him again. He's clearly not interested.

I would have been livid if my parents had sent my ex presents, messaging him and expected me to get involved.

They aren’t his parents, it’s not going to happen so just leave it alone.

just worry that occasions for our daughter will be marred by him ignoring people or not being there

There’s no reason for him to be there.

I don't see that he's been cruel, they're not his family and as you're getting divorced there's no need for him to have a relationship with them anymore. I haven't seen my ex-inlaws since the day I left (and yes I have kids).

YABU unreasonable here in your expectations. He is well within his right to do what he has done. Tell your parents to back off. Since he's been abusive to you it's weird behaviour on their part anyway.

It's a bit weird your parents are so desperate to stay in touch with him. Asking you to find out why he's ignoring your mum is completely tone deaf.

He's perfectly with in his rights to set clear boundaries. He has no need to be in contact with your parents. Totally up to him. Maybe he feels like he needs his space and that it's all a bit overbearing

Not wanting contact is not a vendetta. He's gone NC, he hasn't threatened them or behaved vilely. You're being very OTT about this. I wouldn't want a relationship with ILs if we split, but I would always be polite and include them in family events like birthdays and Christmases.