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Original poster

Was I Too hasty?

32 replies

Ohmamma30 · 13/01/2022 19:06

I started seeing a man 4 months ago who I'd been speaking to for quite some time. When we finally met in person, I understood why his pictures only ever showed head shots, as he was a lot larger than he had previously described. This was ok, and we continued to meet.
During time, he began talking about his weight and how he was determined to lose some. I offered my support and suggested we go for walks and eat better, each one of these he would decline every time. Sex was very uncomfortable as I am quite petite and so it became uncomfortable and I struggled to breathe if he went on top.
I joined a keep fit class just before Christmas, as I have my own body hangups and always feel uncomfortable being naked around a partner. He constantly made references to this and teased me regularly, nothing with any substance just kept bringing up the class I attended and laughing. Not sure what was funny.
Other things became apparent; in the few months I've known him he has changed jobs twice and gone back to his original job that involves very little movement. Never sticking to anything.
In the time we were together, he put on over a stone as we would always have to drink and go for food, other things were declined. I got fed up of him never wanting to do anything and if I'm being very honest, his habits became very unappealing.
He is unable to walk far as he gets out of breath and constantly wears baggy clothes to hide his size however, denies being as large as he is like he is in denial. His brothers and sisters have warned him about his weight, as their mum had a heart attack a few years previously.
It got to the point where we only went out if it was in the car, to a pub or restaurant and back home. I tried to speak with him regarding the fact that at 30, we should be able to walk down stairs or to the end of the street without being short of breath but he turned it into a joke.
I have tried to make compromises with him over a little bit of sharing each others lifestyle, as I have gone along with every request the past four months, but nothing ever came of it. It was basically his way or no way.
I have now ended things because I cannot stand to eat take aways 3-4 times a week and drink alcohol 2-3 nights a week. There are other reasons, but I feel they stem from his denial of his weight and his insecurities, as he became rather controlling also. I feel sad things have ended, as for a while we were great together. I feel like I've been too shallow and wonder if I've been too hasty.
When I ended things, all he asked was if I was sleeping with someone else, never what was making me unhappy. We split up 10 days ago and he has since blocked and unblocked me, sent me a couple of messages asking if I'm seeing someone else and blocked me again.
Do you think I should approach him and ask if we could some how work things out and see if he would be willing to compromise, or do you think it would end up back at square 1 with false yeses?

OP posts:
CloseYourEyesAndSee · 13/01/2022 19:09

No you haven't
He's got a massive issue and it's not going to get better anytime soon

anon12345anon · 13/01/2022 19:10

No. You aren't compatible.
Accept it's over. Get yourself back on the online dating (when you are ready) Flowers
Also, I'd block and delete him.
You sound like you could do better tbh....

CorrBlimeyGG · 13/01/2022 19:10

You've put a lot into a brief relationship. It sounds like he needs to work out his own issues before he's ready for a relationship.

Unanananana · 13/01/2022 19:11

Sounds like you dodged a bullet tbh.

KeepingAnOpenMind · 13/01/2022 19:15

He’s a gaslighting, abusive tubster and thank your lucky stars you finished it.
You’re young and in the prime of life, find someone who is normal and respectful.

ChristmasFluff · 13/01/2022 19:18

It really pains we when women bin men, then start rooting through the bin because they don't have their own back.

You were not too hasty. Trust yourself.

Incompatibility is reason enough to bin. This went beyond that.

SportsMother · 13/01/2022 19:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheFoundation · 13/01/2022 19:21

There's a lot of men out there. What makes you think you can't find someone who'll have you beaming all over your face?

Heelancoo · 13/01/2022 19:22

Not remotely too hasty. You’ve clearly tried to be accommodating and he hasn’t appreciated or respected that. You deserve more out of life than he sounds like he was prepared to give-all you have described are things done on his terms-that’s not on.

Original poster
Ohmamma30 · 13/01/2022 19:22

Thank you everyone. I think I feel guilty because of my reasons. I actually prefer men with a bit of extra meat on their bones but it was the other habits that came along with this mostly. Along with the ways he would poke fun out of me, yet I never once did this to him. There were other things he would laugh at me about that he wasn't as hot on, such as being tidy and presentable. I never once made fun of his appearance as I'd never want anyone to feel embarrassed. Thank you all again xx

OP posts:
EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 13/01/2022 19:33

If anything you weren't hasty enough!

There's a lot of bandwidth between "meat on the bones" and "super morbidly obese to the point of not being able to climb stairs"

It sounds like he is a food addict. And like any other addiction, it won't stop until he wants it to (and even then it will be a battle.) it's not something you can influence or control.

You've done the right thing.

YogaRebel · 13/01/2022 20:00

I think you were brave to make the break and recognise the issues. Breaking up is hard. You did it for the right reasons - don't doubt yourself now. Look forward to the future.

WatieKatie · 13/01/2022 20:05

You’ve definitely not made a mistake OP. You are just missing the routine of seeing/speaking with him and having someone special in your life. It will quickly pass.

Reading your post it is obvious he isn’t the one for you.

pastypirate · 13/01/2022 20:05

Great advice posted already. I just want to say don't believe him if he promises changed if you take him back. He can't do it.

Crimeismymiddlename · 13/01/2022 20:09

You are not compatible. It is normal to get annoyed with a 30 yo who never wants to do anything and is so obese/unfit they can’t walk down a flight of stairs without getting puffed out. He made fun of you doing an exercise class because you were doing something to help yourself and in the process showing him how he is too lazy to do the same.
Also, as an aside, the over confidence of this man thinking that you only left him because you had someone else rather than looking at his own shortfalls.

Original poster
Ohmamma30 · 13/01/2022 20:16

Honestly, I'm so grateful for all of your responses. Really thought I was going to get tarred and feathered.
I am fully capable of being single, have been so for 3 years prior, so the comments about me having another man ongoing did annoy me. There was also a constant 'oh you've misunderstood me', whenever I confronted him about things. Never any recognition of his attitude and behaviour.
I will definitely be leaving a sleeping dog lie, and thank you all again.

OP posts:
Fishlipandtoeface · 13/01/2022 20:42

You’re not compatible. It happens and no it’s not worth agonising over. He’s allowed to eat like a pig if he likes. He’s allowed to be lazy. But you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to. Put it down as experience and move on.

BigbreastsBiggerbeard · 13/01/2022 22:16

It's incredible that he immediately jumped to "are you sleeping with anyone else?" rather than imagining there might be any aspect of the relationship you were unhappy with. As if you finding someone else is the only reason you could possibly leave him!

He clearly has major issues and is unhappy with himself and is trying to bring you down too, so that you feel bad about yourself. That's manipulative and controlling. He shows no desire to change. You'd be miserable with him - well done for ending it.

Original poster
Ohmamma30 · 13/01/2022 22:51

He actually said that to me, when I ended it he said there must be someone else. Then he went on to complain about what people would think. Thank you, it was the only viable option.

OP posts:
pastypirate · 14/01/2022 14:14

@Ohmamma30

He actually said that to me, when I ended it he said there must be someone else. Then he went on to complain about what people would think. Thank you, it was the only viable option.
He sounds very tedious, well done for getting shot of him.
layladomino · 15/01/2022 14:07

You've done the right thing.

He laughed at you
He always had to have his own way.
He wouldn't do anything fun or interesting or different
He wouldn't walk anywhere
He was starting to be controlling.

All very good reasons to have ended it.

YankeeDad · 15/01/2022 15:15

You sound lovely, generous and tolerant, and I'm sure you can do better, and I see no reason to doubt yourself in anything you've written.

pictish · 15/01/2022 15:20

You don’t want to be with a fat, lazy man and that is perfectly fine. Yanbu.

FI0N · 15/01/2022 15:28

@Ohmamma30

He actually said that to me, when I ended it he said there must be someone else. Then he went on to complain about what people would think. Thank you, it was the only viable option.
That’s someone who can’t take any responsibility for their own actions and has no insight.

Plus his “ teasing “ you in a mean way.

Thats 3 red flags without any of the weight / food / inactivity issues.

Original poster
Ohmamma30 · 15/01/2022 19:54

Thank you again all. He has since turned very abusive, calling me foul names etc. I think it's fair to say I did do the right thing. Thank you all so much.

OP posts:
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