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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Need advice wwyd

39 replies

Anna2022 · 13/01/2022 11:35

What would you do if your partner told you he'd had a child accuse him of sexual abuse before in the past but due to insufficient evidence the case was dropped?

OP posts:

KirstenBlest · 13/01/2022 11:37

Feel sick

Ohfortheloveofgodwhatnow · 13/01/2022 11:42

Oh god - I’d be completely freaked out. I’m afraid I’d be out the door.

FindingMeno · 13/01/2022 11:44

So there was enough for charges to be pressed initially?

Motnight · 13/01/2022 11:47

I would want to know everything.

I would also question why I am being told now.

Justcallmebebes · 13/01/2022 11:49

I'd need more detail for a start. Not deflecting in any way but with such little information it's difficult to say. For example, there have been instances of teachers being accused of assault or sexual assault maliciously. I also know of someone who was accused by a neighbour (she accused him and her husband of being part of a paedophile gang) and it transpired she was the abuser and she was arrested and charged. So there are many nuances

Original poster

Anna2022 · 13/01/2022 11:49

No there wasn't - it was an informal interview with social services I read the file and it because the child has told lies previsouly and no further evidence it would not be taken further. I have done a clare's law and nothing came back

OP posts:

FindingMeno · 13/01/2022 11:52

Ah OK.
Honestly, I don't know what I'd do.

maddy68 · 13/01/2022 11:55

I would think he was very brave yelling you and as a teacher (abs union rep) I know lots of staff that have been accused out of spite etc and it's completely untrue.

If he has allowed you to read the file he is being completely transparent and of course he was exhonorated so you should be reassured

doubleshotcappuccino · 13/01/2022 12:01

Go with your gut instinct

1Ta1T · 13/01/2022 12:03

Although I agree with Maddy68, I think deep inside I'd still be nervous (until the detail in the file gives reason to be more relaxed). How invested are you?

Snoopfroggyfrogg · 13/01/2022 12:30

God I don't know.

It's very hard when you of course want children to be believed regarding abuse allegations knowing so many are true but have little to no evidence. But then, yes, false allegations do exist.

He let you read the file which is good. I think I would perhaps be considering what he had been accused of by the child and whether he was ever in a position for it to be feasible if that makes sense. Obviously that's perhaps unfair as it would leave a man who works or lived with kids more open in my mind.

Do you happen to know if the child's other alleged lies were consistent with this accusation, and did the child actually admit to being untruthful here? How long did it take for him to tell you this?

Sorry not very coherent but just some of the points I would want to work through.

Original poster

Anna2022 · 13/01/2022 13:23

We've been together 3 months. The file said two allegations first when she was 3, second time she was 6 and when asked what my partner was doing at the time she said 'he had his finger in his bum' and laughed. I don't have children but I don't know if a child as young as 3 would lie about something like that. Just feel like ending it as don't think I can handle it

OP posts:

AubadeIsIt · 13/01/2022 14:15

It's a generalisation, I know, but when there's smoke....

Snoopfroggyfrogg · 13/01/2022 14:49

Sorry, so he was allegedly present on the two occasions, when she was 3 and 6, or there were two prior allegations at 3 and 6, and then she has alleged this about him separately?

scoobydoo1971 · 13/01/2022 14:50

I have previously worked in child protection. Of course there can be false reporting for a variety of reasons, including a young child being abused by someone else and the account being muddled for developmental reasons. Former partners/ relatives can also encourage children to report someone they don't like for malicious reasons, or children can be exposed to adult material at a young age and relay what they have seen/ heard. Social services receive many reports of abuse, including sexual, and have to decipher what action is needed as part of a risk assessment. Context and fact finding is the key to making good decisions that protect children. We know from recent news stories, it doesn't always work well. As a general rule (with some exceptions), only where there is deemed to be an ongoing risk of 'significant harm' will further action be taken. This is the sad reality of limited staff and resources. The police referrals to CPS for court prosecution are filtered for those cases with forensic or other objective evidence, on top of the perceived veracity of child testimony. Prosecution has to weigh up the chances of a conviction against the public purse, and also consider trauma to a child being engaged with the legal system. This does not answer your dilemma but in your case, I would get hold of any technology like phones or laptops that are used by your partner. Paedophiles often look for video footage or other search terms associated with their interests as they can be quite addicted at looking at what stimulates them. This is how Gary Glitter got caught when he took his broken computer for a repair and the staff noted the content. If your partner has a phone that is locked, you could try removing the sim card and seeing what it contains in terms of files and pictures. If his laptop is locked, you could remove the hard drive and run it using a cheap external drive caddy off ebay. If he seems reluctant to leave technology unattended around you, I would be alert to that. This is what I would do in your shoes. Sorry you find yourself in this awful situation.

TheFoundation · 13/01/2022 17:04

Just feel like ending it as don't think I can handle it

This is all that matters. If someone offers you something in a relationship that you don't want to handle, just leave. Especially after just a few months.

2022janey · 13/01/2022 19:45

Id say its a no from me, sorry. Two accounts by the same child. So young as well and he just laughs it off? It takes a lot to report something like this. If he was falsely accused, surely you would be embarrassed and ashamed you had even found yourself in that situation. No theres more to this imo

ChristmasFluff · 13/01/2022 19:58

I'd end it.

I know how very believable these men can be. So I'd not be willing to take the risk with a stranger - and at 3 months, that's what he is.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 13/01/2022 20:21

As an abuse survivor - no, I'd be out of there. Yes, false allegations happen, but they're vanishingly rare compared to accurate ones.

Cas112 · 13/01/2022 20:28

Leave and never speak to him again

Moretodo · 13/01/2022 20:33

You don't need to complicate your life like this.

negomi90 · 13/01/2022 21:03

Child sexual abuse is incredibly hard to prosecute as if there is no physical evidence (as there often isn't) it's a child's words against an adults.
Young children don't make that stuff up and those words you use are the words a child would use.
I'd run far!

babiesof2022 · 13/01/2022 21:09

Deadposhtory · 13/01/2022 21:29

Just end it, you barely know him

ChristmasPlanning · 13/01/2022 22:40

@negomi90

Child sexual abuse is incredibly hard to prosecute as if there is no physical evidence (as there often isn't) it's a child's words against an adults. Young children don't make that stuff up and those words you use are the words a child would use. I'd run far!

This

Run

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