Need advice wwyd

[Anna2022]

What would you do if your partner told you he'd had a child accuse him of sexual abuse before in the past but due to insufficient evidence the case was dropped?

IM(similar but not exact)E, I would leave.
You'd never be able to have children with him (if you wanted to) and I imagine there's a bit of a mess concerning the kid (presumably his).

You need to think about what the relationship would be like going forward and the implications for you of being with someone that has been accused. Would your family / friends be accepting etc.

It must be truly devastating to be accused and be innocent BUT unless you're already too invested, I'd walk away.

I'd leave.

Yuck I would never be able to fully trust him and always wonder if he was a child abuser. That would change my view on the relationship. Not for me.

Do you have children?

I was that child.

It went to court (when I was 30 and I decided I finally had the strength to come forward), and he wasn't prosecuted as not enough evidence. These cases are exceptionally difficult to prove.

Please end it..

What relationship was the child to him? Where were he and the dc when this allegedly happened? Why did he tell you now? What was his demeanour when he told you?

The answers to these would be important, I think, in deciding what to do.

I think I'd see how secretive he was with his phone and computer as a pp suggests.

I find it odd that he told you (how and why did that come about?) and also that he had the relevant file. Is it normal for accused people to have copies of their files? How can you be sure it is the only file/all of the file? If anything, if I were guilty I’d make sure to show you that file, to make myself seem honest.

Another issue is his choice to tell you. Some abusers test potential partner's boundaries early on; if you put up with this one you’re a keeper, as you’ve shown yourself willing to overlook accusations.

Furthermore, if accusations surface at a later date, even if they are a bit different next time, he can always claim to have already told you.

I would leave, there’s too much dodgy stuff with this one.

This is going to give me the rage so sorry if this gets long. I worked in child protection as a trainer and taught police and social workers how to interview children who were alleging abuse. Assuming he was a family member or in a position of authority to this child then the matter should have been referred to police to investigate ( a crime is clearly alleged). Perhaps they were crap and didn’t investigate but you don’t deal with this type of allegation with an informal interview with a social worker. A statement needs to be taken from the child on video - it’s a technical skill. You can’t make any judgements without that imo. Children who are abused often go on to have challenging lives and behavioural problems. They may abuse drink or drugs as they get older, they may be disruptive. “Telling lies” may be part and parcel of that disruption but doesn’t mean their account is a fabrication. Writing off a case because a child is believed to generally tell lies is a dangerous road to go down. There are occasions when an allegation is fabricated - I’ve had a case against a teacher and a case where a mother was coaching a child against her dad. It’s not a very easy judgement to make and it’s not unusual for specialist forensic psychologists to be appointed in court to conduct assessments on these video interviews. I don’t really understand what has happened here and I don’t know what file this man has shown you. Why would he have it? Did the social worker just let him have a copy? Overall it’s not possible to say from what you have shared whether something has happened or not but how much gamble do you want to take?

Forget his phones / laptop - that’s pointless. You would need a specialist to interrogate those and there’s nothing to say that he would have images on there.

Id leave, delete and block. No question or debate.

I'm not trying to suggest he is guilty or innocent as of course I don't know.

However, if he has been involved in 2 allegations over several years with such a young child that would make my decision somewhat easier than say, if he was a teacher who was accused by a teenager
(with more concept of what impact such a lie might have, either on him or as a cry for help) on one occasion and the child admitted it was untrue, for whatever reason, perhaps they were deflecting on him.

The current circumstances make it more complex and more of a risk than I would be willing to accept at such an early stage.

You’re only 3 months in. He isn’t your partner. You barely know each other. I would run as fast as I could. It is rare for children who are being abused to disclose it. It’s even rarer for them to have disclosed it about the same person, 3 years apart, if there isn’t something to it.

In my personal experience though (I have two family members who are in relationships with men who have sexually abused children - yes, two, if you can believe it). I don’t know about one of them, but certainly the other, he told her on their first date, also showed her all the documents related to the case.

I think showing them to her was all part of the grooming. He was looking for a woman who would normalise all this with him. The fact she didn’t bolt out of there the second he told her he was convicted of sexually abusing his child showed him that she could be brought around to his way of thinking. And as the years have gone on, she has. She’s a complete apologist for sexual abusers now. Has created a whole fake narrative about his ex wife and daughters, has continued to normalise him continuing to engage in sexually abusive behaviour (think, public flashing of children and adults). Thinks it’s fine and harmless. She has, as people have slowly learned the truth, lost all of her family (including children and grandchildren) and many of her closest friends. She’s now quite isolated and not very well respected anymore because she’s stood by this man when the red flags were absolutely obvious to everyone else.

You’re only 3 months in. It’s not worth throwing it all away for this guy.

3 months.

What’s that, 13, 14 weeks?

You barely know this guy.

Leg it.