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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Relationship at cross roads

33 replies

Sadandconfu5ed · 13/01/2022 10:51

I've been separated 4 years, divorced 2 years and have children. A year after separating I met a guy unexpectedly. He's been fun, we get on and to be honest, just wouldn't have thought I'd be able to let anyone capture my heart again. There's not a bad bone in him but of course noone is perfect. I have some reservations about him but I think I would with anyone. He's very laid back, generous and kind.

So we've been together 3 years spending our child free time together. It has been lovely. He also has children and they all get on. He lives separately about an hour or so away.

But now we are here. I'm happy with this. Its like a relationship bubble I can drop into then return to normal life. The divorce settlement was horrific, exh is horrific and but the dust has settled and I was starting to feel comfortable in my new life. I remained in the marital home and I love it and the location I'm in.

DP wants more, us to move in, me to relocate half way between ish but even that means new schools realistically although not a million miles. But the lifestyle will be very different. I live in a brilliant place with lots for children, adults, teens to do on the doorstep. Relocation would be more rural and car reliant. House prices are astronomical so buying a bigger place here would be a stretch.

My parents are elderly and I live very close to them, they help me out a lot but I can see I'll need to help them soon possibly. Also they have a very strong relationship with the kids as they are so close.

My ex is set up with OW, the OW (a friend!) - her ex partner has remarried, my DP Ex wife is living with her new partner. Everyone seems to have resettled but I just can't/won't right now.

It feels like we are at crunch point and I just feel so sad. I've been crying for hours. I'm just not ready. Don't want to disrupt the kids - they are primary so it will be ages until I feel that it will be ok, leave my parents, leave my home. I don't fancy blending families after reading some of the posts here! I don't know if he's the right one. I've not had much experience in relationships as was married a long time but there hasn't really been any issues in 3 years but we have been in this "bubble" of ours. I'm also bloody scared at the thought of mixing lives/assets with anyone else after divorce. I've always said I'd never sell my house for a man.

Ultimately I can't give him what he wants and he'll have to wait a rather long time for me. However, I do see the benefits of living apart too. I'm excited to see him rather than the day in day out drudgery.

Honestly so confused. Not even sure what I'm asking here but helps to blurt it out. Thank you for reading.

OP posts:

minipie · 13/01/2022 10:57

Are his kids older and how often does he have them? Just wondering if he can come and spend more time at yours easily rather than you moving.

I think you are right to be cautious and in your shoes I would not want to give up a house, area, schools that work well for you and your DC.

Original poster

Sadandconfu5ed · 13/01/2022 10:59

@minipie his kids are same ageish as mine. He could but his work is in his area and my house is small. He is used to a bigger space! Even this morning he commented he couldn't live at mine due to the size.

OP posts:

Original poster

Sadandconfu5ed · 13/01/2022 11:00

Sorry he has them every other weekend and a day or two in the week.

OP posts:

minipie · 13/01/2022 11:08

Well, it sounds like neither of you really want to compromise on your current livestyles for the sake of living together. Which is totally fine. Keep it as it is and enjoy.

If that’s not enough for him and he wants to live together then shouldn’t he be willing to compromise on things like house size and commute time?

BitcherOfBlakiven · 13/01/2022 11:21

It would be a Nope from me Op.

Original poster

Sadandconfu5ed · 13/01/2022 11:23

@minipie I think we are both from "traditional" families, divorce was first for each in our families. I've adapted well I suppose...so many benefits to living alone but I have my children here majority of the time so I'm not lonely per se. I think he is suddenly alone after a long marriage and his children are there 30% of the time say. He finds that hard. He also does the bulk of travelling and early starts as he sometimes stays when I have the kids. I know i have the better deal...but it would be emotionally and financially huge for myself and my children to change this.

OP posts:

Dora26 · 13/01/2022 11:25

Go with your gut Op

Original poster

Sadandconfu5ed · 13/01/2022 11:25

My gut is a mess @Dora26 I've never been good at listening to it with courage.

OP posts:

Ohfortheloveofgodwhatnow · 13/01/2022 11:37

It sounds like your gut is screaming at you to stay put. You’re not ready so don’t jump. Another nope from me.

Original poster

Sadandconfu5ed · 13/01/2022 11:39

@Ohfortheloveofgodwhatnow But stay put and just end it. For his sake?

OP posts:

minipie · 13/01/2022 11:41

I can understand he may want the traditional set up but it isn’t that simple when you both have DC, schools, work, activities etc where you each are now.

I think he has a rose tinted idea of you and him living a lovely house in the country together and him not having so many long commutes (though 1hr isn’t that long). He isn’t thinking of the impact on DC (schools, blending) and the practical stuff you’d be giving up in order to move.

I wouldn’t feel guilty about saying you love spending time with him but no to moving. Perhaps you could go to his more when you don’t have the DC, in order to balance things up?

BitcherOfBlakiven · 13/01/2022 11:43

This is the issue with blended families - they’re not a traditional family set up, and it’s like trying to force a square peg into a round hole.

There’s too much sacrifice on yours and your DCs part for this to happen.

minipie · 13/01/2022 11:43

No, no need to end it for his sake! Just spell out that you are happy with the way things are, explain why, and let him decide if that’s enough for him. I strongly suspect he hasn’t really considered all the practicalities anyway. (Or being cynical maybe he has and is thinking he’d quite like a live in partner to do laundry etc…)

Original poster

Sadandconfu5ed · 13/01/2022 11:52

@minipie

I can understand he may want the traditional set up but it isn’t that simple when you both have DC, schools, work, activities etc where you each are now.

I wouldn’t feel guilty about saying you love spending time with him but no to moving. Perhaps you could go to his more when you don’t have the DC, in order to balance things up?

Writing this in tears. You have heard me and put into simple words EXACTLY what I was trying to say.

I've been feeling so stubborn, selfish, so incapable of change but no, It is a big ask on my part. A much bigger ask.

All of this guilt at feeling everyone else has managed to settle. A bigger change than my ex had to endure - he can easily accommodate the children for the scant time he has them, for the OW partner - his children he only sees a fraction of the time and my DP - he is alone more of the time and feels it and has a few early morning starts from mine but the impact on his children will be far less than mine.

Thank you.

OP posts:

Neveragain85 · 13/01/2022 11:59

I am in a very similar situation. However I made it clear early on to my DP that I would not move my children's school to buy a house with him so the proposal would be he would move to my village as the school his kids go to is dictated by where their mother lives. I don't think it's fair at all for him to expect your kids to change schools. I feel for you

Ohfortheloveofgodwhatnow · 13/01/2022 12:02

I think he’s thinking of it completely from his own perspective, even if he is a nice guy. He sees the problems he wants addressing but now this throws up problems for you. It doesn’t suit you to move for a myriad of reasons. What compromises can be reached? Can you take it in turns to make the journey to each other.
Whatever way, one person can’t get everything their own way if the relationship is to continue. Also neither of you should have to give up everything and I feel like you need to be careful not to be rail roaded into being the one who does.

Original poster

Sadandconfu5ed · 13/01/2022 12:02

@Neveragain85 Tricky isn't it. I feel I was quite clear at the start about this. My Dp had built his business in his area to be fair. It would take him a while to build a base here but not impossible.

Is your partner happy to relocate to where you are?

OP posts:

Neveragain85 · 13/01/2022 12:05

Yes but it's only 25 minute drive from his kids. It's so difficult trying to make it work. Even though my partner is on board I'm still not sure, even the finances side & having to discus decisions on the house with another person to get their by in on improvements etc fills me with dread! I'm too used to handling it all myself & I'm cautious about giving up that control

Aquamarine1029 · 13/01/2022 12:08

Your partner is thinking only about what he wants, that much is clear. You moving would require massive sacrifices and changes for you and your kids, none of which are worth it, imo. It's a resounding NO from me. Stand up for yourself and do what's right for you.

todaysdilemma · 13/01/2022 12:19

Ultimately, all you can do is tell him what you won't do, and leave it to him to decide whether it's enough for him or not. If he does want a more traditional family set up, then he can always go and find that closer to home. I can understand his perspective too, as if the shoe were on the other foot and you were the one wanting more and your partner didn't, you'd be told to leave. His needs are valid, as are yours - and if they're not compatible then it's best for both that it ends.

Relationships are very hard to run in this sort of half way house arrangement, and it does require both people to want/be happy with exactly the same level of commitment. You've both managed it for 3 years, so it is possible he is happy to wait it out a bit more. However, you should be aware that there will likely be a ticking clock casting a cloud and it is likely to cause tension for both of you - him waiting, you resenting the pressure etc.

If he isn't happy to carry on, it will be good for you to really, truly enjoy life alone without having to think of anyone else. Whatever his decision, you should only do what you are most comfortable with - you'll be fine without a man, you may not be so fine if you once again compromise your comfort and stability for man and it doesn't work out.

Original poster

Sadandconfu5ed · 13/01/2022 12:22

@Neveragain85

This is a very similar set up then. many LDR are 100s of miles and we are not talking that but yes, even 25/30 mins when you are used to walking to schools is disruptive. I may feel differently when kids are college age, I may not. But you're right the parent with the kids the majority are going to be disrupted the most.

Also lol your username, absolutely.

OP posts:

Original poster

Sadandconfu5ed · 13/01/2022 12:45

@todaysdilemma "Whatever his decision, you should only do what you are most comfortable with - you'll be fine without a man, you may not be so fine if you once again compromise your comfort and stability for man and it doesn't work out."

The crux of it right there. This is The Fear. But as sad as I will be, and i'm sure it will hit me hard, nothing will be as bad as how my exh ended our long marriage and I survived that in the end.

OP posts:

SunflowerTed · 13/01/2022 23:10

It could work until you start feeling resentful and homesick. I can understand why he now wants to move things along and be under one roof as they is the normal course of events. I think the draw of your family, friends and town is too difficult to ignore. Maybe it is time to look for a new partner who wants the same things

TheFoundation · 13/01/2022 23:30

I'm just not ready

This stands out. The clarity. You know this. Have you made it clear to him that this is how you feel? If so, what did he say? If not, why not?

You've got it into your head that it's a big ask to keep things as they are, but it's not. If he pushes you to make changes you don't want to make, that's a big ask. If you push him to keep things the same when he wants to progress, that's a big ask. You don't have to ask each other anything. Talk about what you each want, together. Work out a compromise that will keep you both happy. Or go your separate ways, but don't view your own needs as unreasonable demands. Respect them, before anything else.

Crumbs22 · 14/01/2022 09:52

I totally feel for you OP. I am going to be in a similar cross roads soon. It's obvious to me though that you know already you can't do it and there is guilt and sadness which is normal. You're much stronger than you think and it's great that you are putting your children and yourself first. Your DP should not push for you to move, that's not fair. 3 years together is in fact not that long to me. It takes longer to really get to know someone when you don't see them often so perhaps this is a side of him that you are discovering as your relationship progresses.

I would discuss things further and see how he reacts and how willing he is to compromise. If you have any doubts at all about him then it's more reason to stay put. I don't see any reason for making a move and blending families at this stage either. As I said, it takes time and there should be no hurry especially after your terrible experience of divorce. Your job is not to make him feel less lonely in his new situation. He's got to learn to deal with that himself and be content, not want to recreate a home set up again just because he doesn't like being alone after his long marriage. That would be more for convenience rather than an intention and desire to build a home together with you.

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