Relationship at cross roads

[Sadandconfu5ed]

I've been separated 4 years, divorced 2 years and have children. A year after separating I met a guy unexpectedly. He's been fun, we get on and to be honest, just wouldn't have thought I'd be able to let anyone capture my heart again. There's not a bad bone in him but of course noone is perfect. I have some reservations about him but I think I would with anyone. He's very laid back, generous and kind.

So we've been together 3 years spending our child free time together. It has been lovely. He also has children and they all get on. He lives separately about an hour or so away.

But now we are here. I'm happy with this. Its like a relationship bubble I can drop into then return to normal life. The divorce settlement was horrific, exh is horrific and but the dust has settled and I was starting to feel comfortable in my new life. I remained in the marital home and I love it and the location I'm in.

DP wants more, us to move in, me to relocate half way between ish but even that means new schools realistically although not a million miles. But the lifestyle will be very different. I live in a brilliant place with lots for children, adults, teens to do on the doorstep. Relocation would be more rural and car reliant. House prices are astronomical so buying a bigger place here would be a stretch.

My parents are elderly and I live very close to them, they help me out a lot but I can see I'll need to help them soon possibly. Also they have a very strong relationship with the kids as they are so close.

My ex is set up with OW, the OW (a friend!) - her ex partner has remarried, my DP Ex wife is living with her new partner. Everyone seems to have resettled but I just can't/won't right now.

It feels like we are at crunch point and I just feel so sad. I've been crying for hours. I'm just not ready. Don't want to disrupt the kids - they are primary so it will be ages until I feel that it will be ok, leave my parents, leave my home. I don't fancy blending families after reading some of the posts here! I don't know if he's the right one. I've not had much experience in relationships as was married a long time but there hasn't really been any issues in 3 years but we have been in this "bubble" of ours. I'm also bloody scared at the thought of mixing lives/assets with anyone else after divorce. I've always said I'd never sell my house for a man.

Ultimately I can't give him what he wants and he'll have to wait a rather long time for me. However, I do see the benefits of living apart too. I'm excited to see him rather than the day in day out drudgery.

Honestly so confused. Not even sure what I'm asking here but helps to blurt it out. Thank you for reading.

Your gut is right. He wants you and your kids to disrupt your lives to improve his. Been with my DP for coming up 8 years. Our families are still not blended and never will be. He could get his own place nearer to you to make seeing you easier. Kids need their needs putting First. Being near school and friends is crucial to their quality of life and social development. Relationships don't have to 'progress' sometimes they are just right as they are. Yours suits you as it is, he can choose to respect that and accept it or respect it and end it. What he can't do is pressure you to change your core values. Sorry.

I think your parents are quite important in this too, l would stay near them

I absolutely would not move in your situation. You have a great life as it is: close to GP's, kids happy at school, work is good, house is good, and you have a great time together when you do meet up.

If you move your kids will have their whole life upended by moving house and school, your parents will lose your support, you'll be more isolated in the countryside, you'll have to settle your kids into a new routine, your work will be impacted, and you'll be living together so the excitement of seeing him will definitely fade and become the usual domestic mundanity.

It's pretty clear cut to me. I don't see that you're selfish at all, you're looking out for your family which ultimately must be no. 1 priority.

I see you as making all the sacrifices here and taking all the risks while he isn't. Why on earth does he think you're selfish? What he actually means by that is why won't you do what he wants?

Thank you so much for your posts today they have given me so much strength. It’s given me the clarity I needed to hear.

Yes, I am putting myself and my children (and my parents) first. Why the hell wouldn’t I after what we have been through (all of us) with the disruption that divorce has felt us. It’s us vs a man’s feeling of loneliness. Thank you for making me see that better and not to confuse them with guilt, or feeling like my fear isn't valid or I'm weak.

@Crumbs22 "3 years together is in fact not that long to me. It takes longer to really get to know someone when you don't see them often so perhaps this is a side of him that you are discovering as your relationship progresses." THIS. We have been in a (lovely) bubble of not quite real life. I can't make a decision on what I have seen in that scant time.

"If you have any doubts at all about him then it's more reason to stay put."

"Your job is not to make him feel less lonely in his new situation."

@wantmorenow "Your gut is right. He wants you and your kids to disrupt your lives to improve his" YES!

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow "I think your parents are quite important in this too, l would stay near them. " We are close, and they have been the absolute best parents ever. It would be dreadful of me to put a 3 year relationship with a bloke before that.

And, everything that @EddieIzzard said. Particularly, "If you move your kids will have their whole life upended by moving house and school, your parents will lose your support, you'll be more isolated in the countryside, you'll have to settle your kids into a new routine, your work will be impacted, and you'll be living together so the excitement of seeing him will definitely fade and become the usual domestic mundanity." This is exactly what will happen. I can feel the resentment already.

So many relationships question their worth because they have become mundane - it’s natural. In my eyes the part time relationship is perfect. All the fun, the support, the closeness and none of the dishwasher arguments. I think if he can't appreciate that or doesn't fit with his values and would rather have a body on the sofa every night, then it may be time to sadly part.

Just reminded myself of this. Was totally Adele 1 yesterday.

@wantmorenow do you mind me asking how you have kept separate? Are you both in agreement? How far apart are you? Have you make an agreement for the future - maybe when kids leave home?

I think this is the perfect set up really as you can choose how much interaction between the households.

I honestly think your life right now sounds content and wonderful, there’s absolutely no reason to jeopardise this by uprooting everyone and everything. It would actually be foolish and self sabotaging to do so imo. It’s always a risk relocating but you’re also forcing this on your DC who are settled by the sound of things. Just stay put, I think your gut is telling you to do this and you should listen to it.

Happy to share. We met through workbut lived only a 15 min drive away. I would stay at his every Wednesday and alternate weekends when kids were younger and they stayed at their dad's. As they got older they stayed there less and less. They didn't want to be away from home, friends, clubs and hobbies etc. He would stay over a couple of times a week with me then. After 4 years, he moved away for work. I stay at his alternate weekends and he'd visit for maybe 1 weekend a month. We enjoyed our relationship bubble and I didn't miss the humdrum of sharing a house and chores. Kept in special.
Following redundancy I couldn't get a job locally and a job came up where he worked. After 4 months of being unemployable locally, I took it. I stay at his Sunday to Friday and go home every weekend, school hols and throughout lockdown WFH. Youngest is 18 now, rest at University.
I will continue to keep my home running for kids until they no longer need it.
I wouldn't have chosen to move for work or to part time live with him for a few more years if redundancy hadn't happened.
I feel a bit torn about leaving kids so much but they are more fine about it than me probably.
We recently got engaged with the plan to marry once youngest settled in career or apprenticeship etc.
My DP enjoys his own space thankfully. Didn't see him for many months during lockdown but we talk daily.