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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He's 31, I'm 50, am I mad??

61 replies

mocca · 25/12/2007 16:10

Me and my husband separated almost a year ago, it's been a rocky road but I've been totally healed for a while now and very happy on my own (I have an 8 year old daughter who we share). I've recently started seeing an amazing guy who is totally in tune with me mentally and physically. He makes me so happy and although I don't want anything serious (and neither does he) right now, we have the most wonderful time together. We also communicate very well and are able to be totally honest about what we want.

But he's 19 years younger than me and I have huge doubts as to whether I should be doing this, even though I'm just living for the moment right now and not concerned about the future. I know society has no problem with older men younger women and it doesn't seem fair but I still feel uncomfortable about this. But I haven't felt happier for ages and wonder if I should just live and let live. Thanks Mocca

OP posts:

SantaBabyBeenAnAwfulGoodGirl · 26/12/2007 02:08

well i hve seen another guy too the same age which was a bit of a fling but the other guy is potentially a relationship as we seem to get on ut i am also slightly weirded out y the age gapand feel probably the same as you

lou33 · 26/12/2007 11:37

as i have said before, he is in his 30's, and not a teenager, so i think h probably has a good idea about his likes and dislikes by now

i agreed to meet the french guy in the new year

SantaBabyBeenAnAwfulGoodGirl · 26/12/2007 11:40

lou thank you for last night/tyhis morning sorry for my crapness

lou33 · 26/12/2007 11:41

hush you

SantaBabyBeenAnAwfulGoodGirl · 26/12/2007 11:42

pathetic

ISawSantaKissingKerrysNorks · 26/12/2007 11:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SantaBabyBeenAnAwfulGoodGirl · 26/12/2007 11:54

how long have you been seeing him for and do you feel self conscious at all....have you mentioned the age difference at all to him or is it unspoken?

lou33 · 26/12/2007 12:04

is the gap something you worry about when you are not with him, rather than when you are?

Original poster

mocca · 26/12/2007 12:27

I don't really worry about the age gap in itself, I suppose I'm just overwhelmed at the way he makes me feel and how similar we are in the way we think (not used to that, all my men have been emotional retards). He sent me an email in the early hours of yesterday morning from 300 miles away saying how he missed me and couldn't wait to see me again...

It just feels so right, there's been no anxiety (apart from my concerns about the age gap). We started writing to eachother about a month ago, and have now met 3 times and with every contact, be it email, phone or in person, it just gets better...But have never trusted my happiness as have never been with a man who truly loves me so very scared of messing it all up... Also he is very inexperienced with women but I appreciate why because we've talked about it a lot so it doesn't freak me out. And he has a fantastic relationship with his mum and I think that's so healthy. Just feel we have LOADS to offer eachother at our respective stages in life and want to enjoy the journey without thinking about the destination.

I'm so glad you lovely ladies out there empathise and think it's OK! And good luck (but I don't think you'll need luck) to those of you in or starting age gap relationships. I think the combination of OW/YM (older woman/younger man) can be a magical one...Happy Boxing Day! x

OP posts:

SantaBabyBeenAnAwfulGoodGirl · 26/12/2007 12:43

he sounds nice hope it goes well for you mocca

lou33 · 26/12/2007 12:54

i dont see any problem from your description

fwiw the best relationship i ever had was with someone just over 11 yrs younger

PoinsettiaBouquets · 26/12/2007 15:03

Mocca, sounds like you're just not used to being treated like a goddess . Lie back and enjoy it, nice men do exist!

Original poster

mocca · 26/12/2007 15:35

Ah, thanks for that last comment. That's exactly it is I think, he says he wants to worship me! Feels very strange....

OP posts:

noddyholder · 26/12/2007 16:23

I think age is irrelevant for a fun no commitment type fling

noranora · 26/12/2007 16:56

mocca,
it seems really good from what you describe, you both seem to suit each other really well, i am happy for you.
it makes me happy again that there are still nice men around
the hard thing is to find them
i hope someday (soon) i will meet one who will make me and my dd happy.
x

Original poster

mocca · 26/12/2007 17:42

I hope you do too noranora - how old is your dd? Mine is nearly 8. I'd recommend trying to find someone online, you'd be amazed at how many suitable guys there are out there and a lot of them are thinking exactly the same as us - ie where are all the nice women!

OP posts:

purpleduck · 26/12/2007 18:21

you are both grown ups -- go for it

noranora · 27/12/2007 08:21

thanks mocca,
i am scared to go dating sites in case my old work friends (who i had so much respect to each other and they dont know i am single now), my ex (i feel like he is keen to find-see me somewhere on net cos he is always there),my family, the people around me can see me there, i would be embarressed then. thats what i feel about it, maybe i am wrong, somebody must tell me i am wrong, and why i am wrong
my dd is near 7.

pixiepip · 27/12/2007 09:49

Everyone has been very positive- but just stop for one moment! If this is just a fling, that's fine- that seems to be what you are saying it is for both of you now.

If it is ever going to become more serious, then how do you feel about that? By posting here, do you have doubts? Are you asking for us to say it's okay to have a fling, but maybe not to stay together? Or are you worried about what people will say?

IMO age doesn't matter the other way round - I once had a very long relationship with a man 14 years older than me, which lasted for years - no problem.

But you have to be realistic- when you are 70 and he is 50, would you still want sex? Would he want you then? What about kids? Does he want them- 'cos if so, you can't fulfil that need.

Big questions....go for it by all means, but keep your eyes open to what you are getting into.

Original poster

mocca · 27/12/2007 13:07

No need to be scared noranora, it's totally acceptable now and you really don't have to be embarrassed at all! My colleagues/friends think it's great what I'm doing and many have admitted to being jealous. Just choose the right site and use your head and it can be very rewarding.

Thanks Pixiepip, I hear what you're saying. I don't like the idea of a fling because I'm by nature monogamous but on the other hand I'm not thinking long-term either so the thought of me 70/him 50 doesn't bother me at the moment. Have always worried about the future too much and now I'm not and just trying to take each day as it comes. If it becomes more serious, will cross that bridge when I come to it. But good advice.

OP posts:

pixiepip · 27/12/2007 13:22

mocca- you seem to be realistic and I hope it goes well. I just wanted to make a couple of other comments- having had a re-read of your other posts.

The work I tend to do involves counselling, and a few things you mentioned made alarm bells ring:

he is inexperienced with women
he is very close to his mother
you have only met 3 times ( when I first read your post I thought this was an established relationship)
there is almost a 20 year age gap.

Please tread carefully, to avoid getting hurt. The most obvious conclusion is that you are fulfilling a "mothering role" in his life, but at the same time able to offer sexual experience, which he has not been used to. He, meanwhile, is making you feel wanted- understandably!

A lot depends on your personality- I would find it very hard to get involved in a monogamous relationship where there was such an inequality of life-experience, and where the younger partner would probably move-on, as his confidence grew and his needs outstripped what I could offer. Be honest with yourself- this relationship has barely got off the ground - but if you are the type of person who is easily hurt, then mperhaps you need to nip it in the bud and focus on finding someone whose life-experiences ( NOT age!) mirror yours?

Good luck!

Original poster

mocca · 27/12/2007 16:07

Thanks pixiepip, I am trying to keep a level head because I do get hurt easily and ultimately this is not the sort of relationship I want. I want to meet someone whose life experiences, as your rightly say, mirror mine but am not looking for anything full-on right now because it's too soon after separation.

I suppose I'm reckoning that I can just enjoy him in the meantime but of course then I run the risk of getting really involved.
Just trying to take it one day at a time and make sure we communicate fully about what we want/how we're feeling. Thanks.

OP posts:

SantaBabyBeenAnAwfulGoodGirl · 27/12/2007 16:12

have you found that on the dsting sites you get loads of people who are 31 ish and none over 40 thats my experience

lou33 · 27/12/2007 16:50

lol zippi, yes, i wonder how many lie about their age, they all seem to be under 40, but it suits me

pixiepip · 27/12/2007 17:01

Santababy - If you are looking for dating sites, the Times has a good one - Enounters- as does the Guardian, and someone recommended Love and Friends. Both have plenty of older people on them.

Mocca- I really hope you survive this okay. You seem very level headed. But try not to bury your head a little too much. Saying you want to take one day at a time is a bit like saying "I don't want to smell the coffee...yet!" Do you think you will feel more or less involved as time goes by?

You can see by my posts that I care about what happens- maybe as I am roughly the same age as you. One thing that strikes me- you said that you have never been in a relationship where you felt really loved- is there a pattern to the men you choose, or who choose you? Are you setting yourself up for failure each time, because you choose not to be a realist in the early stages of a relationship? If you have been hurt a lot, why choose a situation that might- because of the age gap/limited shared experience of life- end that way too? Would your time and energy not be better spent on finding someone who, at least on paper, was a safer bet? I know that age is not a guarantee of compatability, but the fact that you posted this question seems to say that you doubt it can work - and you are really asking for everyone to disagree with those thoughts you have.

Life's too short- if the odds on this working aren't good, why spend time and energy on it?

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