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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Did I do the right thing?

28 replies

Undercity · 12/01/2022 20:31

It's only been one and a half days since I broke up with my boyfriend and I am having doubts. They are normal, I know, but he has honestly been the best man I have ever been involved with, but...

-he didn't work and wasn't going to go back to work any time soon - plans were some time in the future
-he had ED, but in the past has managed to have a lot of different partners - made me feel like I wasn't good enough, despite his reassurances
-he was physically unfit to a worrying degree - taking him out on a walk anywhere involved a lot of planning
-he found it difficult that I am a) very involved with my work and b) was busy with my kids at other times, so he would only see me once a fortnight, despite daily chats

So a few days ago, after a lovely time together, he went home and thought I didn't use the time I claimed for myself for the work I said needed doing. A misunderstanding fuelled by technology logging me into something when I was actually busy elsewhere.

However, he went home and had some issues to deal with with his place and got incredibly annoyed. He let it out on me by accusing me of being logged into something I wasn't and getting arsey when I showed him what I was actually doing. When I got defensive (with screenshots) - a leftover from my time in a controlling and abusive relationship - he asked me whether I wanted to call it a day.

The next day he only reluctantly apologised and refused to talk about the issues I had with his behaviour. He turned some things around on me and also told me he didn't like me calling all the shots in our relationship. But I have commitments; he doesn't.

It's only been a few months since we started and I have wholeheartedly taken on board that things should be easy at this time.
But

-he was so loving
-he was patient
-he made me feel safe whenever he was here

He had his own issues going on. Some part in me thinks I made a mistake, but it may well be the part that misses the man, because before this incident I honestly thought I'd found my one. All the chemistry was there. We both fell fast and hard for each other. And now, I miss him. And I know he misses me. Did I do the right thing?

OP posts:

Letthisbemyyear · 12/01/2022 20:36

I’ve just been through the same. He walked away without a word other than how I was in the wrong. Try and write some negatives down and work out what you’re doing this.
I know how hard it is.

Luredbyapomegranate · 12/01/2022 20:44

You did the right thing.

It sounds like he has some good qualities, but it’s absolutely not partner material. You can do better, and until then you are better on your own.

Can you plan a few nice things over the next couple months to take your mind off it. How can you start looking to the future?

Original poster

Undercity · 12/01/2022 21:29

I have work and kids. I have hobbies, too, but most are very much in-house ones. There is honestly nothing to look forward to at the moment, We wanted to build a future together and I have destroyed that because it didn't feel like he was taking responsibility for his reactions to me.

But maybe I'm hyper-wary because of my past experiences? Maybe I have let a good thing go? Or is it the grief talking? I am so confused.

OP posts:

Santaisstilleatingmincepies · 12/01/2022 21:42

How was he loving and patient? And sounds like he made you feel like your head would explode not safe tbh..
You most definitely did the right thing getting rid op.

DatingDinosaur · 12/01/2022 23:04

OP – from your list:

He doesn’t plan on getting/looking for a job any time soon (why not?)
He has ED but isn’t doing anything about this (his numerous EX partners probably dumped him because he’s not willing to see his doc about it)
He’s physically unfit to the point going out for a walk takes a lot of planning (so he doesn’t look after himself then)
He struggles to accept that you are your own person with a life beyond him (remind me again why this is supportive or healthy)
He blames you for a technology blip despite your evidence. Then when he realises he was overreacting/in the wrong he has a sulk and asks YOU to make the decision on calling it a day (what a manchild)
He refuses to talk about his behaviour (still sulking, still a manchild)
He says he doesn’t like you calling all the shots in the relationship (see point 5 above)

That’s a lot of shit to put up with in just a couple of months.

Damn right he’s got his own issues going on. It’s not for you to fix them – only HE can. Doesn’t sound like he wants to really, does it?

And in comparison the THREE positives you list are:

He was so loving
He was patient
He made me feel safe whenever he was here

Three positives. Seven negatives.

Of course he misses you. He’s lost someone who will put up with all that shit by the sounds of things.

Stick to your guns. You say you was in an abusive relationship previously? Don’t return to this abusive one in the making.

And well done for learning from your past experiences and being wary this time [huge thumbs up emoji]

anappleadaykeeps · 12/01/2022 23:28

@Luredbyapomegranate

You did the right thing.

It sounds like he has some good qualities, but it’s absolutely not partner material. You can do better, and until then you are better on your own.

Can you plan a few nice things over the next couple months to take your mind off it. How can you start looking to the future?

I totally agree with this

Moretodo · 12/01/2022 23:35

You say you have nothing to look forward to, but you have children?
How old are they? Are they still at home?

You sound disconnected from yourself. You have a job too. Hobbies.
These are good, healthy and necessary things.

Take this ending as the positive that it is, and start to look at improving your esteem and relationship to yourself, children, work etc.

Why are you willing to settle for this project of a man?
You are completely free and single! Simplify your life! You don't need him and his bag of woes.

Yummypumpkin · 12/01/2022 23:37

You lost me when you said he didn't work.

mylife8410 · 12/01/2022 23:52

Everything dating dinosaur said !!

MMmomDD · 13/01/2022 00:17

How can a lazy man who doesn’t want to work; with non-functioning penis; and resentment of your life/commitments - can possibly be ‘the best man you have ever been involved with’????
Who did you date before?

You don’t miss him. You miss an idea of a relationship. But you can really do better.
I’d try to reset your standards - I do believe solvency and working tools are the minimum requirements. And then being a normal human being, with some empathy.
Unless you are in the market for a controlling cocklodger and a bag full of sex toys for yourself.

AcrossthePond55 · 13/01/2022 00:58

@Undercity

But maybe I'm hyper-wary because of my past experiences? Maybe I have let a good thing go? Or is it the grief talking? I am so confused.

I have destroyed that because it didn't feel like he was taking responsibility for his reactions to me

Who should be responsible for his actions towards you, if not him. Sounds to me as if you were expecting him to be accountable for his actions and he doesn't want to be so he's turning things around and making it your fault for 'expecting things' of him. That he has a right to demand things of you (what are you doing? why aren't you doing what you said?) but that you have no right to demand things of him.

Life is too short for that. People should ADD to our lives, not take away from them. He's killing your happiness and peace. I'd end the relationship.

RiverSkater · 13/01/2022 01:33

No sex, no personal drive or ambition, lazy, and controlling.

The other positive aspects you describe are basic human behaviours.

If you need a relationship, you can do so much better. Believe you can.

RiverSkater · 13/01/2022 01:35

You haven't destroyed anything worth keeping.

scorpiogirly · 13/01/2022 02:41

It's the 'taking him for a walk' thing that got me.

Yes, I think you are doing the right thing.

Ilady · 13/01/2022 04:04

To be honest you did the right thing ending things with him.

A lazy man unwilling to look for a job or making plans to avail of training to improve his job prospects it not a good long term bet. He would have become a cock lodger if you let him. You subbing his life or him expecting to move into your home in the future.
The fact that he is physically very unfit could be either due to either him being a few stone over weight, a total lack of exercise and or poor eating habits. I know a man like him who ignored his weight gain and lack of fitness. He ended up with diabetes, sleep apnoea and high blood pressure and has ended up in hospital at least 3 times in the past 2 years due to his health issues.
Then getting annoyed when you could not spend more time with him. Does he not realize that someone who works, has children, friends and hobbies does not have much free time?

I know you may not like being single but you can do so much better than him.

Original poster

Undercity · 13/01/2022 06:21

Yes, you are right. I suppose it's worse because we had a wide social circle I was part of but because he was leading that particular hobby group I felt I needed to leave. I have already joined another, and yes, it will take time, but the dynamics in that group just don't seem remotely the same.

OP posts:

TedMullins · 13/01/2022 06:27

Sorry but if he was the best man you’ve ever been involved with, who on earth were the worst?!

TheFoundation · 13/01/2022 06:49

@Undercity

But maybe I'm hyper-wary because of my past experiences? Maybe I have let a good thing go? Or is it the grief talking? I am so confused.

If you're hyper wary because of past experiences, that's who you are right now, and any partner needs to respect that, and not expect you to change according to their needs.

If he wasn't taking responsibility for looking after your feelings, why are you taking responsibility for the fact that the relationship has ended?

What's really happened here is that despite the fact that he has a few things about him that made you like him, he blew it. He's not someone that you're obliged to be with, so that if you can't make the relationship work, you've failed in some way. He's someone who was trying to have a relationship with you, when you could have a relationship with any of a million people, and he has proved himself to be sub-par, to be a person who doesn't make you happy, to be someone who isn't 'relationship material' for you.

He screwed it up, he blew his chance.

This isn't about you failing to see the perfection in him. This is about you failing to see that your feelings are important, and that if you feel like it's over, it's over, whoever he is.

JustHarriet · 13/01/2022 06:51

The next day he only reluctantly apologised and refused to talk about the issues I had with his behaviour. He turned some things around on me...

This.
You could have as many 'positives' as you want on the list but they won't make up for a person's lack of responsibility for their actions. You simply can't have a relationship with someone who can't look at their own part in things with humility and self-responsibility.
And if you continue in a relationship with someone like this all the responsibility will fall on you and nothing will get repaired or resolved. And he'll most likely end up repeating the same behaviors because he can't/won't recognize they are harming you. So, you've made a wise move and you can trust the instinct you had to end the relationship. Breaking up just is hard, so avoid all contact so you can grieve, allow yourself some distractions to get through it. You'll move on to something better because you have standards and know what you won't put up with.

2022newyrnewme · 13/01/2022 10:42

@thefoundation
If he wasn't taking responsibility for looking after your feelings, why are you taking responsibility for the fact that the relationship has ended?

He screwed it up, he blew his chance.

This ^^

This is what’s important. I get how hard it is.I’m going through it. But this attitude they have of making us feel bad, the blame, the lack of taking responsibility for anything they’ve done..makes me sad and angry at the same time.

ChargingBuck · 13/01/2022 13:54

-he didn't work and wasn't going to go back to work any time soon - plans were some time in the future
-he had ED, but in the past has managed to have a lot of different partners - made me feel like I wasn't good enough, despite his reassurances
-he was physically unfit to a worrying degree - taking him out on a walk anywhere involved a lot of planning
-he found it difficult that I am a) very involved with my work and b) was busy with my kids at other times, so he would only see me once a fortnight, despite daily chats

OP, you tell us all this but claim that he is the best man you have ever been with?!!!?

You don't need to spend any time worrying if you have done the right thing (you have).
What you need to do is raise your bar, because your standards are frighteningly low.

It's not your fault that you were previously in an abusive relationship.
It's not your fault you lucked out again with this - frankly - loser of a b/f.

There will be reasons your expectations of what to expect from a relationship are so low. I suggest you look into accessing some counselling to explore this., If you have not had any before, it would also be a good way to understand your previous abusive relationship, & how you can avoid getting into another one.

In the meantime, please look at doing this course -
www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

And give yourself a break from dating for a few months, while you work on your self-esteem & boundaries. You don't need workshy, argumentative & dysfunctional men in your life

Brigante9 · 13/01/2022 19:43

He’s a controlling arse. Kick him to the kerb.

Original poster

Undercity · 13/01/2022 20:11

Thanks all, I feel better today.

For those asking, my previous encounters with men have included rape, DV and a whole lot of emotional abuse. So yes, he was the best man I've met by a long shot and he did have many good qualities. The reason I have split with him is because my bar is so much higher these days.

However, I can't help but feel that at my age (wrong side of 35) I'm past finding my one. Or that any good man, who happens to be single, would want to be with me.

My kids are amazing and they are my world; it is easy to feel now that I can cope on my own when they are still around. But what will be when they fly the nest?

OP posts:

VioletLemon · 13/01/2022 20:19

It sounds like you know deep down he wasn't right for you but you also identified the qualities you are looking for, patience etc. The red flags would have become more significant in time and more dissapointing. You did the right thing. Plan some nice things for you and look ahead.

UserError012345 · 13/01/2022 20:20

You did the right thing even if it doesn't feel like it. Trust your instincts. You made the decision for a reason. Stick to it.

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