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Original poster

I can't orgasm with a partner

67 replies

iwantsummertomorrow · 12/01/2022 18:42

I have never been able to orgasm due to the actions of a partner during intercourse or foreplay.
It all feels nice, but to climax I need the help of a toy (whether alone or with another person).

I started seeing a new man and he thinks he's a failure I can't orgasm during sex. He said all his past partners orgasmed during sex when he climaxed and he can't understand why I can't.

I asked how he knew they orgasmed, and he said he told them they did, every time.

I thought I wasn't unusual (to not orgasm during sex) but now I'm wondering if I am unfortunate to not be able to. He is determined to make it happen which makes me feel stressed as I don't think I can orgasm from intercourse alone. However he thinks I can't have enjoyed it much if I don't Confused

I'm not THAT unusual am I?

OP posts:
Strugglingtodomybest · 13/01/2022 13:01

So he's made sex all about him and his needs then.

boobot1 · 13/01/2022 13:09

@WhatIsThisPlease

I think you might be the first honest partner he's had, not the first one to not climax during sex!
This
HereComesTheSpiderman · 13/01/2022 13:13

We're all different. I nearly always climax unless I've had a drink. Even one is enough to throw it off. But it doesn't always.

I also climax through piv and can do quite quickly.

But I think I'm less 'usual' than you from conversations I've had with other women!

EarthSight · 13/01/2022 13:25

his past partners orgasmed during sex when he climaxed

Yeah, SURE they did!

EarthSight · 13/01/2022 13:30

The majority if women, something like 60-70% don't orgasm via penetration alone. You are not abnormal. You are in the majority. Also, you won't orgasm at all if you feel pressurised. Anxiety affects your ability to feel pleasure and your circulation.

It's best if he tries oral but it might take him a while to figure out what works if you are used to the much stronger sensation of a vibrator. Vibrator overuse is the female equivalent of deathgrip in my opinion.

ladyjadie · 14/01/2022 03:55

Yeah although I do understand the reasoning behind women (myself in the past included) faking it, @PearlD has it on the money- if you fake it, and however many before you, and obviously porn is all fake, then there’s no chance men will ever actually learn how to please a woman, or that each of us is different. We’re all shooting ourselves and other women as a whole in the foot by always faking. When I first had sex with my current partner i was astounded by how close he actually got me- cos he’d been with his first ever gf for 6 years, and she must’ve not faked so he learned great things! Worlds apart from abovementioned ex despite ex being 35 and bf being 24!
Sadly porn’s really done a number on women too cos so many put faking to save his ego, over getting their own O. It’s a shitty downward spiral in society’s sex life Confused

EnrouteNOTonroute · 14/01/2022 04:13

Women faking orgasms are part of the problem I think with men. It gives them false reassurance that what they’ve done works.

StarlightLady · 14/01/2022 06:40

@EarthSight - I don’t know exactly what you consider as “vibrater overuse” but l’ve tended to use a vibey around once, sometimes twice a day for years (early 40s) and still climax from oral.

PermanentTemporary · 14/01/2022 06:46

You're normal and he needs to listen.

I wouldnt bother dissing his stories about his exes (just like I've never bothered to fake an orgasm in 32 years of not coming with a partner) but I'd tell him straight to keep his Trustpilot review score out of your head and focus on giving you a good time.

Tbh if he can make you come with a vibrator, that IS coming with a partner.

Sablesmug · 14/01/2022 06:49

Regardless of whether his exs faked it or not, he is not listening to you when you tell him what you want and enjoy in sex. That's the problem. It's like you saying I like to eat pizza and him saying all his exs ate pasta, so you should too. Then forcing you to eat pasta at every meal.

Tell him what you want and need. If he doesn't respect that and doesn't listen to that, then there is no future in the relationship. Because he will always put his own needs above your own in every area of your lives.

maffhew · 14/01/2022 06:58

If he genuinely thinks they not only finished, but also at the EXACT same time he did then he's clueless about sex and women and should be thrown back IMO.

TopCatsTopHat · 14/01/2022 07:11

Oh boy, your partner is doing all the right things to ensure you never cum with him. Heaping judgement, negative comparisons, shame and criticism on you. Then rolling his metaphorical sleeves up and doubling his efforts. Christ alive doesn't he know the biggest sex organ is the brain!

I am same as you, always need to stimulate clit myself/with bullet to cum. But I have had (still do) a great sex life, it's never been a problem for me or partners. Suspect your partner doesn't know the truth - his attitude stinks and I bet any partner he's had knows a non-orgasmic session is a no so... tadaaaa.
On top of needing clit stimulation I also have some emotional baggage which means I need to feel a lot of trust to have good sex, my dh made a success of us as sex partners because his attitude is that it has to work for you or what's the point, and we're all different. So, he was as a patient as it took, receptive to what I wanted and previous partners were an irrelevance and only got a mention if I directly asked when we were chatting about sex.
We talked about it when not doing it too so we could gauge what the other was thinking, needing and wanting. Lucky me for finding a good egg - but anything else is just banging away blind so everyone should have a sensitive partner who is interested in what works for you.

Feelingoktoday · 14/01/2022 11:15

@EnrouteNOTonroute

Women faking orgasms are part of the problem I think with men. It gives them false reassurance that what they’ve done works.
Why do women fake it though? Because of social conditioning that we are here to please men.

Let’s not blame the fakers but instead educate women that we are not here just to please men and make the orgasm.

layladomino · 15/01/2022 16:36

Statistically (which can be checked by reading any factual study or jusy having a conversation with a few women, like on here) women are less likely to orgasm during PIV sex than to do so. The most recent study I saw said that 80% of women don't.

So either your partner is lying, or they were lying to him (and he was daft or vain enough to believe them).

In any case, even if every single woman in the world bar you could orgasm through PIV, that still doesn't make it OK for him to put pressure on you. He's managed to make you feel defective, as though you owe him something and he thinks anything else isn't 'proper' sex.

He is wrong. Tell him every man you've been with as loved having a cucumber up his $$$$, so there must be something wrong with him.

He is misinformed, is showing his lack of understanding of how sex is for women, and a lack of interest in what you want as an individual.

gorseinonn22 · 15/01/2022 17:48

You are not unusual, and to be honest, the use of a toy should be something he should be willing to be part of.

TAAT65 · 15/01/2022 18:08

Not all women fake it! I regularly climax during piv and often at the same time as my partner.

TopCatsTopHat · 15/01/2022 18:48

We all know plenty don't fake, don't think anyone is claiming that your experience doesn't Halen. But the chances of a guy this disconnected/disinterested from what floats the boat of his current partner and insensitive enough to make it clear to her she's at fault - personally experiencing 100% success previously seems less than likely.

mswales · 15/01/2022 19:16

I always wonder why so many women who can't orgasm from PIV don't masturbate to orgasm during sex. Seems like lots of women don't do that, I don't understand why not? Having said that OP I don't think you should do that with this guy as I don't think you should have sex with him again, he sounds really horrible.

PermanentTemporary · 15/01/2022 19:19

MsWales i was unable to have an orgasm with another person in the room. Happily no longer the case.

JangolinaPitt · 15/01/2022 19:27

Tell him every man you've been with as loved having a cucumber up his $$$$, so there must be something wrong with him.
Love this!!!!!

Ijsbear · 15/01/2022 19:28
  1. he's lying
  2. he's pressuring you into cumming and it's about his ego, not your enjoyment.

he's a bit of a loser.

GentlemanJayFab · 15/01/2022 19:29

Very few women I've met have managed to climax through PIV.

DiscordandRhyme · 15/01/2022 19:32

I think it's a third of woman who can't orgasm without clitoral stimulation so it's not that unusual.

I expect some of his exes said they did to stop him asking/continuing when they're tired - I know several women that have done this.

I can understand it may feel like a bruise to the ego but equally it's no fault of yours either.

Instead hopefully he can understand and help you orgasm with a toy, so he feels involved?

delilahbucket · 15/01/2022 19:33

I smell absolute bullshit coming out of his mouth. This would be an absolute red flag for me. What's he going to do, pound away for hours on end with all of his "best moves" and then declare that there is clearly something wrong with you? You are absolutely normal OP and I would recommend ditching the tosser who isn't interested in your pleasure, only his own with the least amount of effort.

Shunter350 · 15/01/2022 19:43

I'm afraid he's telling porkies. Can't imagine ALL his friends ex's climaxing at the same time as him. They probably just got fed up and faked it.