Having trouble with deciding if I should leave my husband.

[User334]

So, my husband and i have been together for 10 years and married for 4 this year. The past couple years I have been having second thoughts about our life together. I would really like some opinions from an outside perspective.

The biggest thing that gives me these thoughts is the fact that my husband doesn’t want a family. I never wanted children either, but over the last few years this has changed. Now I really want to be a mother.
He is still against it but has said he would evaluate things in a few years, but has said he would only ever agree to one.
I see myself having more than one and to be honest, I know he doesn’t want any at all, and would only be having one to keep me happy. That’s not fair on him.
I know this isn’t his fault. I never planned to change my mind and I can’t make him change his.

This is the “big” problem that has spiralled into lots of little problems. His political views are very different to mine. We were raised very different. I was raised that you can be whoever/love whoever/do whatever makes you happy. Whereas he was raised the complete opposite.
He said to be before that if he was to have a child and if it was gay/transgender etc then he would not let them be themselves until they’re 18 and can move out.

He is all about work and saving money, which I know isn’t a bad quality to have, but he never wants to go anywhere or do anything. If we have a child later on in life then we won’t be able to travel or do things then, so what are we doing now?
I’m a free spirit and at the moment I feel like I’m stuck, playing a role that’s not for me. Keeping the house tidy, cooking, all while working full time. And never doing anything fun. (I have started to do more on my own but my anxiety stops me a lot of the time).

I also struggle a lot with my mental illness and have had a lot of lows. He is not very supportive and doesn’t understand it at all.
My depression has a lot to do with the fact that I’m not happy in life.

Another big thing is that our sex life isn’t great. He’s never really had much of a sex drive whereas I’m quite the opposite. It constantly makes me feel like I’m not good enough or not sexy enough. I do tell him this and suggest we try new things but he doesn’t want to.

We do love each other, he’s my best friend and it would honestly crush him if I left. But I can’t hold someone else’s happiness before my own.

We own a house together and it causes me so much anxiety about leaving and separating all our things.

I have spoke to him about all of this but he is not willing to change or he takes things too personally. He usually gets angry and shuts down completely. I feel like a lot of our issues aren’t fixable and it’s just because we are so different and have grown a part over the years as we’ve grown up.

I just don’t know what to do anymore.

Leave. Crap sex with a bigot who would only grudgingly have a child? No ta.

All the admin is just a process.

I think you can see the answer very clearly OP. He is not the man for you!
He sounds a bit like my dh, and I also feel stuck with the guilt of crushing him if I leave, but we have kids and this makes it a whole lot harder. Run for the hills, woman! Live a happy life x

Do not remain with Mr Wrong here. He won't be crushed if you leave and he will manage going forward; he is an adult after all (that same counsel applies to you 19Bears).

Thanks @AttilaTheMeerkat I know And I know you're always watching over us and somehow remembering everyone's past posts like the MN guardian angel! How do you do it?!

@User334 I've gone back and counted at least 10 bad things in your few paragraphs. I think that tells you everything

Go out and buy yourself a very nice pair of trainers and run for the hills.

Obviously I’ve only written the bad things, but there are one too many.

Leave, stuff is only stuff. I have a house full, I left it all because I realised I didn't want it with my new (much better) life but it took him leaving me to realise this. A few months after he moved out I suggested he have the house as I wanted to move away

I wouldn't leave the love of my life to have children. BUT this man doesn't seem to be the love of your life, you have listed so many negatives/incompatibilities that i don't think you'd ever be able to work thru so in this case I would leave and give him and you a chance to meet someone more compatible.

Don’t be stuck with ‘what ifs’ and regrets in ten years time.

OP— I left my first H when I was 28 not because he was an arse , he’s a nice guy but because I had known him since I was 15 and realised I wasn’t satisfied with a great looking guy who wanted to watch wall to wall football and spend family time going to football with his mates. We just no longer had the same outlook , but didn’t make him an arse. I thought he would be devastated—the devastation lasted about 5 weeks before he met someone else and it stopped instantly and they’ve now been together 30 years — I honestly think many of us overestimate devastation — plenty of men seem fine as soon as someone else is on the scene—

This seems really sad and just imagine yourself in ten years with this man. It will also be a lot harder to untangle in ten years with a child than it is now.

Oh my what a mess. You have a habit of having this man in your life, you love him but you're not IN love with him.

I was with a guy for 8 years, thank goodness we didnt marry or buy a house. It was hell splitting up as I loved him, genuinely, we shared friends and history together. We had a lot in common, but too much was not right. I knew we had no real future together. We wanted such very different things out of life, and I knew I wanted kids and he wasnt ready. And likely never would be.

It will be a raw and painful separation, and you might feel terrible for many months. You might question whether you could have limped on. But we are talking about your chance of motherhood, personal fulfilment, mental health, an opportunity to grow as your own person not with your wings clipped by someone who tries to box you in.

A good marriage should let you both grow, not force you to downsize your Hope's and dreams.

My dear you absolutely have to leave, I'm sorry. There's no other solution, and I think you know it in your heart already.

Thank you ♥️

Thank you everyone for your comments. I totally agree with all of you. It seems so daunting but I know I need to put my happiness first.
I just don’t feel ready to do that yet.

Bite the bullet and get it over with. Divorce isn't that bad - it's making the decision that's the hard part. There are no kids involved, so you can make a clean break and put this one down to experience.

The "no fault divorce" comes into action in the UK in April, so there'll be no need to make things ugly.

@User334

Thank you everyone for your comments. I totally agree with all of you. It seems so daunting but I know I need to put my happiness first. I just don’t feel ready to do that yet.

Being ground down makes you less able not more. Bite the bullet.

I remember walking into the Courts and having to ask security where I went to apply for a divorce. It was so daunting. The security bloke said, "who would divorce you?" Incredulously. Unprofessional but it made the whole thing much more cheerful.

I'm very happily married to DH2 with a lovely DD he wanted.

It just sounds like you’ve reached the end of the road, you’ll both be happier if you separate.

Pull all your financial info, and see a solicitor so you know how the process works, and what division will be fair, and then just explain that you love him as a friend, but it’s over.

Any one of those reasons would be enough to leave him! You can't subject yourself to this kind of relationship for a lifetime, you deserve happiness with someone who supports, respects and desires you. And who you can have fun and see the world with! We only have one life.

He wouldn't 'let' a child be gay until they were eighteen?

I wouldn't want to have a child with someone who was such a bigot or such a fucking idiot.

I think a much more pressing question is why would you stay?

Seriously, why?

His words were “they can be whoever they want to be, as long as they’re over 18 and not living under my roof.” I’ll never forget that.

Because I love him. Because I’m scared. Terrified of being alone. Scared of the backlash, the heartbreak. I’m scared I’ll regret it. He does so much for me and this is how I re pay it.

I’m leaving a lot of my stuff things can be replaced a happy life can’t. Leave and don’t look back.

The thought that my child might have to suppress their sexuality at a pivotal time for their developing mental health would be enough for me to seek a different father for my kids.