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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Having trouble with deciding if I should leave my husband.

53 replies

User334 · 12/01/2022 15:51

So, my husband and i have been together for 10 years and married for 4 this year. The past couple years I have been having second thoughts about our life together. I would really like some opinions from an outside perspective.

The biggest thing that gives me these thoughts is the fact that my husband doesn’t want a family. I never wanted children either, but over the last few years this has changed. Now I really want to be a mother.
He is still against it but has said he would evaluate things in a few years, but has said he would only ever agree to one.
I see myself having more than one and to be honest, I know he doesn’t want any at all, and would only be having one to keep me happy. That’s not fair on him.
I know this isn’t his fault. I never planned to change my mind and I can’t make him change his.

This is the “big” problem that has spiralled into lots of little problems. His political views are very different to mine. We were raised very different. I was raised that you can be whoever/love whoever/do whatever makes you happy. Whereas he was raised the complete opposite.
He said to be before that if he was to have a child and if it was gay/transgender etc then he would not let them be themselves until they’re 18 and can move out.

He is all about work and saving money, which I know isn’t a bad quality to have, but he never wants to go anywhere or do anything. If we have a child later on in life then we won’t be able to travel or do things then, so what are we doing now?
I’m a free spirit and at the moment I feel like I’m stuck, playing a role that’s not for me. Keeping the house tidy, cooking, all while working full time. And never doing anything fun. (I have started to do more on my own but my anxiety stops me a lot of the time).

I also struggle a lot with my mental illness and have had a lot of lows. He is not very supportive and doesn’t understand it at all.
My depression has a lot to do with the fact that I’m not happy in life.

Another big thing is that our sex life isn’t great. He’s never really had much of a sex drive whereas I’m quite the opposite. It constantly makes me feel like I’m not good enough or not sexy enough. I do tell him this and suggest we try new things but he doesn’t want to.

We do love each other, he’s my best friend and it would honestly crush him if I left. But I can’t hold someone else’s happiness before my own.

We own a house together and it causes me so much anxiety about leaving and separating all our things.

I have spoke to him about all of this but he is not willing to change or he takes things too personally. He usually gets angry and shuts down completely. I feel like a lot of our issues aren’t fixable and it’s just because we are so different and have grown a part over the years as we’ve grown up.

I just don’t know what to do anymore.

OP posts:
User334 · 12/01/2022 22:13

@gogohm

Leave, stuff is only stuff. I have a house full, I left it all because I realised I didn't want it with my new (much better) life but it took him leaving me to realise this. A few months after he moved out I suggested he have the house as I wanted to move away
I plan on leaving everything. I don’t want it
OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 12/01/2022 22:18

@User334

His words were “they can be whoever they want to be, as long as they’re over 18 and not living under my roof.” I’ll never forget that.
Well then he's a cunt really, isn't he?

What a horrible man.

I worked my arse off at school. Never any trouble. Happened to bisexual. If I had told him that then he would have told me I wasn't 'allowed' to be that until I was 18?

Parents don't own teenagers.

Please don't have children with a horrible man. There are enough shit parents out there as it is and they don't need new recruits like him.

You'd spend your life trying to keep the peace between a normal teenager (whether gay / straight / whatever) who wanted to express themselves like literally every teenager... and a man who essentially thinks he gets the final say in his house even over people's sexuality, gets to rule the roost and casts the deciding vote.

There's more than a whiff of misogyny with this guy.

RelentlessForwardProgress · 12/01/2022 22:21

This jumped out at me:
"Now I really want to be a mother.
He is still against it but has said he would evaluate things in a few years,"

Do you have a few years?

And what if those few years go and then he decides its a no then?

Men have it easier, he can change his mind about children when he is 50 if he wants; you, not so much.

I have several friends who were with men who decided not to have children and in their 40's started relationships with younger women and had families, leaving their first wives childless.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 12/01/2022 22:21

I think a really valuable exercise to help confront the sunk cost fallacy is to ask yourself, painfully honestly, whether if you met him now and on first date he told you his thoughts about they way he wants to raise his future kids, would you be genuinely excited to see him again. Would you? Or would you think "our values don't align, he's not for me"?

madisonbridges · 12/01/2022 22:24

You've presented your case in a very one sided way. You're the fun-loving, happy, compassionate, considerate one. And he's a nasty, selfish tosser.
If this is the full truth, then why are you still with him?
If it's not the full truth, you're not going to get balanced responses?

So I guess you've framed it so everyone says leave, so you can justify or want to be be talked into leaving.

Unsure33 · 12/01/2022 23:52

Is there anyway you can do this gradually. A trial separation . You rent for a while ? I get the feeling you will suddenly feel very free and a weight will lift from you and the end answer will come to you.

sweetbellyhigh · 13/01/2022 02:53

@User334

Because I love him. Because I’m scared. Terrified of being alone. Scared of the backlash, the heartbreak. I’m scared I’ll regret it. He does so much for me and this is how I re pay it.
Ok well if that works for you then stay.

No one in here can make this decision for you, there are some things as an adult you have to do for yourself and this is one of them.

DropYourSword · 13/01/2022 02:58

@User334

His words were “they can be whoever they want to be, as long as they’re over 18 and not living under my roof.” I’ll never forget that.
Please never have a child with any man with this attitude. It just wouldn’t be fair.
Wotsitsits · 13/01/2022 03:03

You're not ready yet?

What are you waiting for? What is going to happen next? What is going to change?

This man is not much of a friend really is he

noirchatsdeux · 13/01/2022 09:01

@Crikeyalmighty Same thing happened to me - ended my marriage to my 1st husband when I was 24 and he was 26 (only been married 2 and a half years), he was also a 'nice' but very dull boring person with the interests of a man 30 years older than he was, we also never did anything together. I got the whole devastated act, 2 weeks later he was with his now wife. I hadn't even moved out!

JustHarriet · 13/01/2022 10:05

I have spoken to him about all of this but he is not willing to change or he takes things too personally. He usually gets angry and shuts down completely.

Is this his usual response when you raise issues with him? Massive red flags... this is his way of controlling the conversation and controlling you. If this is a pattern, you are potentially in an emotionally abusive relationship.

I’m a free spirit and at the moment I feel like I’m stuck, playing a role that’s not for me. Keeping the house tidy, cooking, all while working full time. And never doing anything fun.

This also sounds like you are being controlled. You are playing a role that he is happy with - it suits him to have you do these things for him. Meanwhile, you are not being who you truly are. It is no wonder you are depressed and anxious! If you stay in this relationship you will likely get worn down even more, and at some point, your physical health is likely to deteriorate.

An emotionally abusive dynamic wears away at your sense of self and this makes it much harder to leave the relationship. Additionally, intermittent reinforcement, where you are treated nicely some but not all of the time, creates a kind of addiction to the relationship. So it is totally understandable it feels overwhelming and difficult to leave.

Leaving is a process rather than an event. The first step, getting clear about your reasons for leaving, you're already doing! Do you have family and friends you can open up to about this? Sharing with people who care about you will help you get more clear, and it's helpful to have a support network. Also, you absolutely deserve to go for what you want in life and you can already practice this in small ways, like doing the fun things you would enjoy, regardless of whether your husband is supportive or not, or pampering yourself in small ways, taking time to read, watch a movie, relax, have a bath or do whatever it is that you enjoy.

You can feel proud of yourself for reflecting on how you want your life to be and being honest that there is a mismatch - that shows you have courage. Leaving this relationship may be difficult but you have SO much to gain and so much life ahead of you.

ChargingBuck · 13/01/2022 15:41

It's not his fault you've changed your mind about kids - but neither is it yours!

However, for this - He said to be before that if he was to have a child and if it was gay/transgender etc then he would not let them be themselves until they’re 18 and can move out

Even if you wanted to remain childfree forever - divorce the fucker immediately.
How can you bear to be under the same roof as such a transparent homophobe - let alone one who is actively planning to abuse his own (hypothetical) child?

ChargingBuck · 13/01/2022 15:43

I plan on leaving everything. I don’t want it

Don't be daft.
That's just guilt talking.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 13/01/2022 21:53

You have different goals for family
You have different values
You have different politics
You have different attitudes to finances
You have different sex drives

I think most relationships can overcome one of these things if everything else is aligned but there are just too many things for you to seem compatible. And the biggest thing is you're not happy.

I think leaving would be the right thing to do for both of you

Sportslady44 · 13/01/2022 22:40

What he says about having a gay child doesn't mean it will happen,people change their minds about things.

EarthSight · 13/01/2022 23:06

Online, we rarely get a full picture of what does work, only what is not working in the relationship and that can skew opinions, but there is so many issues here -

He is still against it but has said he would evaluate things in a few years, but has said he would only ever agree to one

You've been together for a long time, so I wonder how much time you have for him to 'evaluate things'. I don't think he will. If he really wanted children, you probably would have seen a stronger indication before now. There is a possibility that he thinks that if he waits long enough, you will eventually lose your need to have children and you'll forget about it maybe. Or, if he waits long enough, he can make an attempt at trying for a baby (maybe) but by the you'll be infertile and you'll decide to stay with him anyway.

He said to be before that if he was to have a child and if it was gay/transgender etc then he would not let them be themselves until they’re 18 and can move out

It's interesting that these two things are lumped together because they are not the same. Sexual orientation is not the same as being trans (which carries with it the possibility of embarking on a damaging or dangerous, often irreversible medical journey). For that I don't blame him for making them wait until they're 18.

He is all about work and saving money, which I know isn’t a bad quality to have, but he never wants to go anywhere or do anything

If you were really poor, that would be one thing, but I note that you say he never wants to go anywhere or do anything which implies a personality difference. Some people can make this work but most can't I would say. It will be very lonely for you to always have to take the children out alone. Their enrichment will probably be seen by him as superfluous and unnecessary. I don't think this was the parenting life you dreamed of is it? Those kind of posts pop up here occasionally - women whose partners won't even go to the park with them. Never want to go with them as a family anywhere.

If we have a child later on in life then we won’t be able to travel or do things then, so what are we doing now?

That's your dream, not his. A big mismatch again there.

I’m a free spirit and at the moment I feel like I’m stuck, playing a role that’s not for me. Keeping the house tidy, cooking, all while working full time. And never doing anything fun. (I have started to do more on my own but my anxiety stops me a lot of the time)

I find this a bit concerning. If you are doing the majority of the housework and he's not doing anything, that's one potential problem, particularly the 'playing the role that's not meant for me'. I don't think there's anything wrong with it per se, but have you really thought about the utter drudgery of motherhood? Most children need stability. The days where you feel like you can really sit back and enjoy the colour, fun and glitter will probably be there, but limited. You will hear the same tunes, might have to watch the same children's shows over & over again whilst pretending you find it as interesting as they do. You will have to pretend you are engaged when you are really bored. A lot of parents are very tired, especially in the early years.

I also struggle a lot with my mental illness and have had a lot of lows. He is not very supportive and doesn’t understand it at all.
My depression has a lot to do with the fact that I’m not happy in life

If this is something quite inherent to you, then this is why its extra important to have father that's full on board with raising children. However, I do hope that you are not thinking of having children in the secret, deep hope that it will make your life better. It might, but it might also stay the same or get worse.

Another big thing is that our sex life isn’t great. He’s never really had much of a sex drive whereas I’m quite the opposite. It constantly makes me feel like I’m not good enough or not sexy enough. I do tell him this and suggest we try new things but he doesn’t want to

He is not a sexual person and this situation would be enough to put a strain on most marriages. What was he like in the first few years? Was he always like that?

We do love each other, he’s my best friend and it would honestly crush him if I left. But I can’t hold someone else’s happiness before my own

Do he love you, romantically, or is it more a case of wanting to keep you around because you are comforting for him, and provide him with the emotional support that he wants?

We own a house together and it causes me so much anxiety about leaving and separating all our things

It would for most people. My practical advice is to buy lots of flatpack cardboard boxes. The last thing you want when you're moving is hanging about trying to find extra boxes or trying to shove too many things in boxes that weren't designed for that weight, and then break under the strain.

I have spoke to him about all of this but he is not willing to change or he takes things too personally. He usually gets angry and shuts down completely. I feel like a lot of our issues aren’t fixable and it’s just because we are so different and have grown a part over the years as we’ve grown up

It does seem like you both have developed very differently to each other over the years. I don't blame you for feeling distressed at the thought of breaking up for so long. Maybe ask yourself if you want to be in this exact scenario, same relationship, in 10 years time? How about 20 more years of this?

EarthSight · 13/01/2022 23:10

@User334

His words were “they can be whoever they want to be, as long as they’re over 18 and not living under my roof.” I’ll never forget that.
Yeah, well, they're not going to get any emotional support from him, are they? Children really want the approval of their parents, usually. That is going to be such a massive issue in your parenting. That alone would be enough to break up marriages.
EarthSight · 13/01/2022 23:12

@Crikeyalmighty

OP— I left my first H when I was 28 not because he was an arse , he’s a nice guy but because I had known him since I was 15 and realised I wasn’t satisfied with a great looking guy who wanted to watch wall to wall football and spend family time going to football with his mates. We just no longer had the same outlook , but didn’t make him an arse. I thought he would be devastated—the devastation lasted about 5 weeks before he met someone else and it stopped instantly and they’ve now been together 30 years — I honestly think many of us overestimate devastation — plenty of men seem fine as soon as someone else is on the scene—
@Crikeyalmighty I think this is true, especially for men who casually like having a woman around the house or who's mainly in it for the sex (which they can more easily replace in my opinion).
User334 · 14/01/2022 07:55

Update: I’ve packed a bag and I’m currently staying with my mum

OP posts:
sweetbellyhigh · 14/01/2022 08:35

@User334

Update: I’ve packed a bag and I’m currently staying with my mum
Really? Wow. Well done!!!

Stay strong, you can do this,

youvegottenminuteslynn · 14/01/2022 08:39

@Sportslady44

What he says about having a gay child doesn't mean it will happen,people change their minds about things.
Of course. But only homophobic people believe in principle they wouldn't 'let' their child be gay until they were 18, showing not just their homophobia but also their stupidity that you can control someone's sexuality and that trying to do so is acceptable rather than horrible and also thick. The fact he could change his mind doesn't change the fact he's a completely unsuitable person to choose as the father of your child. Because he is homophobic now (something decent people would find intolerable regardless of the prospect of children, and he is saying he would treat a child poorly in figure and is it really worth taking the risk someone 'might' change their mind when they also might not?
youvegottenminuteslynn · 14/01/2022 08:40

@User334

Update: I’ve packed a bag and I’m currently staying with my mum
ThanksThanksThanks
trickytimes · 14/01/2022 08:53

There’s no way I’d be with someone who said that about a child being gay. Your core beliefs tell you this isn’t right. That kind of bigotry isn’t you and that’s why you are anxious and depressed. Why don’t you move somewhere cool and accepting like Brighton or Bristol or Manchester and actually meet the right person who embraces everything you stand for. There’s that song…one of the lines is “I stood for nothing so fell for everything” stand for something OP. Your boundary is religious and sexual tolerance. At the very least live your life to one of your beliefs.

ChargingBuck · 14/01/2022 10:42

@Sportslady44

What he says about having a gay child doesn't mean it will happen,people change their minds about things.
Riiight ....

So we should turn a blind eye to homophobic behaviour, because one day the homophobe might just arbitrarily stop being blinkered, hateful bigots? & that makes their current behaviour OK?

Who knew?

ChargingBuck · 14/01/2022 10:46

OP I hope you are finding comfort & familiarity at your mum's, & take plenty of time to process everything you have to think through.
Flowers

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