ahem, want some, ahem private advice..

[adviseme]

I am a mum to 2 young kiddies

After an abusive(including sexually) first relationship I am now happily married

my husband was a virgin so has no hang ups sexually

I am only just surfacing into thinking sex is ok and starting to enjoy it

but

I feel silly and def not sexy, I am plump and feel even worse due to having two sections which have left me an odd shape

I would like to be more sexually fulfilled, can you give me some advise please

I am not a troll but have name changed due to feeling embarrassed

Your dh is def not interested or aware of your c section scar and the odd shape you think it has left you. Do you take go over his body body with a fine tooth comb when you are having sex? noh - and niether does he. He is far to busy enjoying your fantastic body to even realise you are worried about your tummy - he is in heaven and doesn't give a flighing huck and thinks you have a lovely soft body.

hmm i sort of think youre right but i feel too shy to let go really i think cos i was so hurt previously

i am a funny shape though now i am very aware of it

shame, as its not my dh fault

Most men are so pathetically grateful to be getting some they don't care what size or shape we are.

But that doesn't help you, does it? You need to see yourself as a sexy, happy, fun woman with curves. Celebrate those love handles. Clinch in that waist with something sexy and worship your curves.

Have a look at someone like Dita Von Teese or even Nigella...wonderful womanly hourglasses.

Go girl!

aw bless you

i do look more like nora batty in shape sadly

but

one good thing is he was a virgin so he hasnt seen a true beauty!

Has no one else struggled with sexual intimacy are all mumsnetters wild and fun and sexy in the bedroom please tell me some of youstruggle to be intimate!

i feel ashamed of my size actuallt a deep sense of shame i have just realised that as I have got plumper and plumper due to lack of self control!

Hun you are not a funny shape - nah your not. Lots of woman have c sections and yes there is scaring and it doesn't "sit" as quite right ( I have a wiggly scar from an emergancy section late on) seriously it is probably not even noticed.

Start obsessing about a positive feature - what part of your body do you like?

Think about it - a man could go to bed with a perfect looking woman, she could lie back and be so cold and self indulgent - would he care yes he would he would be off like a shot for something much better, much more life like and real with some warmth and fun.

If he was a virgin when he met you, just how much comparison shopping do you think he did?

Honestly, most blokes when they are with a woman are not thinking 'ooh look, she's got a bump there and a hair there...' they are thinking: 'waaaahooo look what I get to do with this lovely woman'.

I have a c section scar, we call it my 'smiley' because it's the happy sign that my daughter was safely delivered and it's something else we share as a couple.

If you can't believe in yourself at the minute, pretend. Pretend you are an amazingly sexy woman and that your DH is overwhelmed with desire for you. Eventually you will realise this is not too far from the truth.

It's hard to cope with the present though if you are still bruised from the past, have you had any counselling to get over your ex?

I don't really struggle with intimacy, but only because I can forget how awful I think I look when the lights are out and I'm hidden under the covers.

I HATE my breast, especially nipples and would be much happier having sex with my bra on.

I would never be comfortable enough to go on top. I hate the thought of my breasts being on display, so to speak.

aw thanks xx

no actually I havent and havent ever considered it

I was only a teenager but he totally played with my head and sexually was really destroying to me/ abusive

I guess I thought of sex / intimacy as something not to be enjoyed so learning it is to be enjoyed has proved rather difficult. I dont even discuss it with Dh as in the past but my initial years of experiences have obviously shaped me more than i thought.

I can orgasm but I have to be fairly drunk and even then my dh doesnt drink so I feel embarrassed im drunk and he isnt! Doesnt happen very much as we are too tired 9 1/2 times out of 10 for me to drink/have fun!

He feels bad I dont orgasm much and i am starting to feel like I want to but dont really know without a drink how to! As it doesnt feel all that natural when he is trying to make me if you know what I mean?

Did that make any sense

bauble I like you already!

its my midriff I am fat like a wee sausage it is not funny and its my own stupid fault as i eat too much!

You (well,not you but you know what I mean) can't even see my c-section scar because it is hidden under a roll of fat.

I can't stand my wobbly and frankly huge tummy but it doesn't put my husband off at all. I do plan to do something about it though, exercise starts v soon.

There, you are not alone.

In the bedroom, I find it helps to be naked, with dim lighting. Far better to be loud and proud than hiding underneath a big pair of pants. Fake it if you don't have confidence. Before you know it you will have it.

I find it hard to believe too that my dh finds me attractive. After 20 years, loads of lovely dcs, extra stones , and wrinkles , he still tells me every day how he loves and fancies me. aah!

I dont feel sexy either, and know what you mean by silly , but for us communication is the key. Are you saying you want to feel fulfilled with him, or something else?

I've got a fat belly too and I don't like it. It doesn't bother me as much as my boobs though - I think that's because my belly was flat before having DS, but my boobs have always been ugly IMO.

DS's dad was also a virgin when we met, and tbh I don't feel very reassured by that. He must have spent so much time looking at air-brushed pornstars, with their perfect bodies, that he could well have expected everyone woman to look like that under their clothes. I sometimes feel like I must have been a huge disappointment for him.

Adviseme, I am a size 26 and while not every man fancies me, the ones I've been out with have never criticised my body or not wanted me, for all my lumps, bumps, cellulite and saggy bits. Now admittedly I haven't had any sections but I am very large and it's easy to feel unsexy. I have to make a bit more effort sometimes to feel up to it, in the way of putting on body lotion all over so I know I feel nice, perfume so I know I smell nice, and a sexy nightie to cover the bits I don't like so much. Why not treat yourself to a new hairstyle, or some nice underwear to make you feel more sexy?

The biggest confidence boost I've had recently was joining slimming world, I've only lost a stone so far but I already feel and look better. Perhaps you could think about joining your local group? the diet is healthy and filling, there's no starving or calorie counting involved.

As for your issues surrounding sex, I think you probably need to have a heartfelt talk with your dh and tell him how you feel so he can reassure you that HE thinks you're sexy.

If you're talking about getting more out of sex, the main thing you can do is stop thinking that he's looking at your stomach/other bits, and focus on enjoying yourself. There isn't a man on earth who is thinking all about a woman's stomach when she's naked in bed with his, there are far too many other fun bits to look at!

Can I also reccomend you have a look at www.theshapeofamother.com to have a look at some real women's bodies after childbirth? It can be hard to have realistic expectations of your own body if the only naked people you only ever see are airbrushed celebrities in magazines.

aw you guys are cuties i am feeling better already

yes, in response to this.......... Are you saying you want to feel fulfilled with him xx

right heres an honest question coming

I can only orgasm either alone or if fairly drunk and on top I dont seem to feel much when in other positions is this normal

how can i orgasm more easily / readily with dh?

Bauble...no amount of paper porn mags can equal a real life warm breathing sexy woman with real boobs and everything!

op, if you don't know how to orgasm when you aren't drunk, have you tried doing it yourself when he's not around to learn what makes you tick sexually? fantasy is really helpful. Take the phone off the hook and let your mind and your hands wander. Either that or introduce a non-scary sex toy into your relationship, if you feel comfortable with the idea.

are you called james and the giant banana for any particular reason tee hee !!

dont feel comfy with toys, just want dh IYKWIM what are good stimulating positions for women - on top is my only one is that fairly normal? xxx

Ahh, sorry x posts.

The reason you can come on top but not in other positions is porbably the combination of both the gspot and clitoral stimulation, and the feeling of being in control. It's understandable with your past that you would feel more comfortable in control of the situation, and when you're relaxed it's easier to climax.

You just need to try more positions which let you stay in control, and possibly stimulate yourself during sex if you're stilling having difficulty climaxing. Most men find this incredibly arousing so he'll think you're mega sexy even if you're feeling less than sexkittenish!

I bet your husband adores you you sound like a woman in the know!

I am going to be blunt here

how do I do this possibly stimulate yourself during sex if you're stilling having difficulty climaxing

Good stimulating positions for women... well, if he's at all on the small side positions where your legs are closed make things tighter, for example bending over something like the back of the sofa whilst standing up, or keeping your knees together during doggystyle.

I'm not a big "positions" person, probably someone will come along more versed in the kama sutra than I am but quite honestly experimentation is your best bet. Ask him to be your toy for an hour while you see what feels best, I'm sure he'll let you practise!

Oh, my name isn't that exciting...my ds is called James and my name is Anna, so anna banana, plus I'm overweight so....

Again x posts, sorry!

Well, to stimulate yourself during sex you can either stick a hand between your bodies and do what you'd do when you're alone, or you can try one of those durex play vibrations rings which the man wears on his penis and is designed to hit the right spot during penetration. Fairly cheap, available in supermarkets and throwaway. Worth a go if you ask me! May even try one myself.

adviseme... believe me, you sound like a sexy woman because you are aware of what you want and that will be an attraction for your dh for sure.

The fact that you are asking about this is such a good thing.... my little bit of advice would be this -

Take your time. On a night you feel like going for it.... take your time, pamper yourself, take a long hot bath, light candles, use a razor for all the necessary areas (!), use lovely smelly body lotion and change into some lovely lingerie. It doesn't matter what size you are, put on something that makes you feel sexy. It could be bra and knickers, lacy nightie or whatever......

When you feel ready, take your DH by the hand up to the bedroom and talk. Tell him what you fancy doing... take your time, take his hand and put it where you fancy - take it very very slowly, indulge each other, talk to each other about fantasies, ask him what he would like you to do, tell him what you would like him to do but hold yourself back until desire overcomes you!

Good luck - you sound a lovely aware lady and I am sure your DH enjoys you very much!

Great post hellibean, I totally agree.

Have to go help my dp tidy up now as the house is a tip (how unsexy is MY evening? lol) but th very best of luck with it all. Main thing is to ignore the little voice in your head that chatters about your cs scar/ Your hubby loves you AND your body, you gave him two wonderful kids and you bear the scars to prove...no, celebrate (lol, possibly going too far but this is how YOU need to see it) their safe deliveries!