Why do so many men treat women poorly...or have I just been unlucky?

[ElectraBlue]

I am looking for a bit of hope I think. I had the awful realisation the other day that most of my life I have been around abusive men, one way or another.

It started in childhood with an mentally and physically abusive father, being bullied at school by boys (including inappropriate touching) and then went on to a series of not so successful dating/relationship experience with men who never really gave me any kind of real love and affection, only saw me as an opportunity for sex.

I think the last straw for me was that this week I broke up with the person I was seeing, who had been a close friend for over 6 years and apparently had a crush on me for the duration of our friendship.

Yet this man went from being a supportive and kind friend to turning into a different person when we started dating/having sex, taking me for granted and becoming quite manipulative. I broke up with him and he spent 3 days sending me horrid messages criticising pretty much everything about me...

I think this has just shattered my last bit of confidence in men. I mean if even someone who I considered a close friend and confident could not even treat me properly, who will?

At this point I am wondering if I should even bother dating again.

Has anyone else had repeat poor experiences with men? why on earth are so many of them so incapable of treating women correctly?

I should say that I am quite a confident person in my life so it is not like I let men walk all over me and I don't give my trust easily. But the fact that these bad experiences keep repeating themselves is soul-destroying...

I've been looking through some research studies on this and it seems like many of the studies where done on those incarerated or those in mandated treatment programs. Those figures tend to represent the most violent of men.

I did come across a population based study which gives a more accurate picture of violence against women, the everyday type that wouldn't get the police called out.

In this cohort, 13.6% of men had performed at least one act of physical abuse and 34.9% emotional abuse. More than 45% of abusive men reported their own behaviors. Alcohol problems, antisocial personality characteristics, depressive symptoms, and financial stress were all positively associated with both physical and emotional abuse, but suicidal thoughts were less likely among abusers.

Pushing, grabbing, or shoving (9%) was the most common physical act, followed by throwing something (5%) and slapping (5%), although throwing something was more often a repeated behavior than slapping.

Treating his partner like a servant was the most common type of emotionally abusive behavior (22.3%), although all three types of emotional abuse were common. The three types are treating her like a servant, intimidation or frightening her, isolating or controlling Approximately 1% of men emotionally abused their partners daily.

This is the relationships forum so women wouldn't be piling on here to say how happy they are with their DHs/DPs.

My DH once told me that predatory men prey on women who look vulnerable. And they get a kick out of doing it. They seek them out. Which might be why some women on this thread have abusive relationship after abusive relationship. It's not a coincidence. Men are good at sensing vulnerability and insecurity so the abusive ones prey on you. I have noticed that if I am feeling anxious and stressed, weird men hit on me a lot more.

Maybe if you work on trying to feel happy and calm and meet people in that mindset and are bubbly and confident, this may mean the abusers and predators stay away... I know I said previously that you should screen them but it's even better if they never approach you. I am not the most confident person but I don't have the innate warmth a lot of women have, I think that's why most men think I am very cold and don't think I am a good target.

More women than ever are starting to say no to the traditional set up and refusing to make the pursuit of a relationship with a man the centre of their world and the measure of their success and desirability

🙋‍♀️ 🙌

@greasyshoes

We get shit on because of age whilst men apparently get better with age

The thing is though, the majority of women are good-looking to begin with, whereas the majority of men aren't. So even if women do become less attractive with age, they start with a much higher baseline.

In every age group, there are far more attractive women than attractive men. To my knowledge, on dating apps, it's men having to compete for women, not the other way round.

And that would work to womes advantage IF age looks were the only basis for choosing but age is a huge factor that many men use to count against women and women are seen as having less value ad they age by many men

@greasyshoes

Women under 40 get plenty of attention on dating apps.

And over 40.

The volume of messages you get as a youthful woman on a dating site reveals the lack of emotional maturity of many men - they are pinging everyone and anyone that meets a narrow range of physical attributes and applying no consideration to who might be a good match for them (and whether they are worthy of her) at all.

Those men are casting their net as wide as possible because they know only a tiny minority of women are going to speak to them, even fewer will meet them, and fewer still will want a relationship. If they were to focus on a few women, then they would never have a relationship. I wouldn't say that's an indication of emotional immaturity.

No actually it’s not just about casting the net wide . It has to do with men of all ages even 80 year olds finding women around the age of 22 the most attractive Of course there are exceptions to this qbd some men who don’t but statistically a man is more likely to be attracted to a younger woman whereas women are more inclined to like to date around their age ( Of course exceptions here too ) It’s naive to think it’s just about casting a wide net when research shows most men are most attracted to these younger women

@greasyshoes

Are you aware of this research showing mens age preference for what age they find most attractive tends to stay at 22 whilst womens changes to grow with them as they grow
If so. , why would you assume it’s simply about casting a wide net rather than men writing to the younger women they are attracted to and emotional immaturity
I think
Oat of us here can attest to getting lots of attention. Of older men when we were younger , often unwanted and also many of us have experienced men our age now we are older basically ignoring us whilst almost breaking their necks over 20 year olds

I question whether there’s really a sec based split in what humans find attractive.

Youth is attractive. Of course 22 year old men are more physically attractive that 52 year old men.

More likely it’s than men and women behave differently around this.

When asked that question women think about all aspects and what’s realistic for them and give their answer based on that. Men answer on what they really really want hoping they can have it.

When I was on dating apps as an attractive late 20 something I got bombarded by older men way out of the age range I’d specified (ie more than 10 years older than me).

That IS immature and hubristic. And from the opener ignoring a woman’s preferences (I replied to none of them).

I've had a similar childhood experience but wasn't bullied by boys at school.

I think some men will behave badly towards any woman but it is how you deal with it that counts. You did the right thing splitting up with him.

I've found I need to have boundaries and spot the red flags and then deal with them. I think men can see a vulnerability in me and try things on. It's like if a child is bullied at one school and then goes to a different school and the same things happen.

@Picklerose

Are you aware of this research showing mens age preference for what age they find most attractive tends to stay at 22 whilst womens changes to grow with them as they grow

Yes, I've seen that study. Assuming the study's findings are reliable, a couple of things... first of all, I interpreted that as physical attraction only. Men may find 22 year olds to be the most physically attractive women, but most 22 year olds would not be a suitable choice for a long term relationship and most men know this. Second, while 22 year olds may be the most attractive, this doesn't mean that older women are unattractive in the eyes of the same men.

Personally, I haven't seen any evidence that older women have trouble with dating, or getting matches when using OLD for example. The image of the 40+ year old desperate woman who can't get men to like her just seems to be a trope I see on TV.

I think Oat of us here can attest to getting lots of attention. Of older men when we were younger , often unwanted and also many of us have experienced men our age now we are older basically ignoring us whilst almost breaking their necks over 20 year olds

Unwanted?

... Wouldn't that indicate that men aren't, in fact, able to have a string of young girlfriends on a whim?

Men may want a 22 year old but that likelihood of getting that decreased with a man's age, looks, lack of money.

That's why they cast a wide net as unless they're amazingly good looking or wealthy, they get what they get.

And there are quite a few men who seemingly do everything to make themselves even less desirable to women.

Me too OP, shitty horrible men all my life, I'm 60 now and single and never want to have any kind of relationship with another man I hate them.
Funnily enough DS is the only wonderful man I know and has always been lovely.

Of course 22 year old men are more physically attractive that 52 year old men

I don't think this is to do with age though. It's to do with looking after yourself. A 52 year old who really looks after him/herself is very attractive; moreso than a 22 year old who is in shape simply because there hasn't been time in their life for thigs to go wrong.

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

Me too OP, shitty horrible men all my life, I'm 60 now and single and never want to have any kind of relationship with another man I hate them. Funnily enough DS is the only wonderful man I know and has always been lovely.

I don't blame you, I too would never have another releationship, I'm happy enough with my family and my animals

That'll do me.