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Relationships

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Original poster

Is it cheating...?

38 replies

CrazyDiamond30 · 11/01/2022 22:03

Been with my husband 8.5 years and we've recently decided to split up. We have a house, 2 dogs and a beautiful daughter who is our world.

There have been lots of issues throughout the relationship and I do feel it's the right thing to do..but I'm hurting.

Alot of other things are going on at the same time and I'm struggling with processing the smallest of thoughts/completing tasks, so I can't understand how i feel about the below:

I found out my husband has been messaging another woman, an old school friend, who he met on a night out a few months ago. It's been hidden, messages in between have been deleted.

I haven't seen anything very explicit but confronted him when I saw a screenshot of some of the messages. He invited her on a night out with friends and asked to 'make arrangements' on another ...not sure... And another said something I don't want to go into

He said the messages were sexual and did go "too far" but that there has been nothing physical. He said he did it because he gets no love or attention from me and not enough sex.

Previously, this would be a fully crossed line for me. It's giving another woman his sexual attention. But because I'm struggling so much right now and not coping with the ordeal of separating (along with other issues) I'm going through a wave of emotions all the time.

I know it doesn't really 'matter' now, but I just want to clarify it to myself and move on from it, because when I do feel a certain way I either feel very angry or hurt and have very low self esteem.

Does anyone else feel this is cheating, or crossing the line?

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/01/2022 22:04

Did these things happen before or after you mutually agreed to separate?

Onthedunes · 11/01/2022 22:05

Who wanted to separate.

I'm gathering you said it.

Onthedunes · 11/01/2022 22:06

You were provoked.

Original poster

CrazyDiamond30 · 11/01/2022 22:07

Before. If it was now I'd be hurt, but I'd have to accept that I have no right to say anything now.

When he first told me I went off the rails, and then afterwards I feel like I'm just in a bubble. As I say it's due to a combination of things going on in life.

When he first told me I was considering telling her HUSBAND as well because I think it's disgusting...but what is the point in revenge really. I just get really angry about it.

OP posts:

Honeyroar · 11/01/2022 22:08

You’re right in that it doesn’t really matter anymore. Perhaps he’s one of those types that can’t be alone and lines the next one up ready?

Original poster

CrazyDiamond30 · 11/01/2022 22:09

Sorry everyone just to clear up.. we both decided to split and I found out a few weeks later he'd been speaking to someone else. I think that's helped him get on with it as wel as he is. He's told me he's not got someone waiting in line but I feel he knows she (or someone else) could be if he wanted them to be.

The whole separation is something I'm really struggling with right now due to too many things happening at once and I'm having a bit of a breakdown, I think if this was the only thing going on I would be angry and telling him to piss right off, but I'm not and I'm confused....

OP posts:

Onthedunes · 11/01/2022 22:10

Hang on, he was caught messaging another woman 2 months ago and then you both decided to separate.

Why can you not be angry now?

NotRainingToday · 11/01/2022 22:12

His words that he did it because he "didn't get enough love or sex" are unreasonable. He's trying to retrospectively negotiate.
It totally isn't your fault!

Original poster

CrazyDiamond30 · 11/01/2022 22:12

We decided to separate before I knew he was messaging her - I've found out since.

I'm not saying I can't be angry - I really was when he told me. I'm confused right now like, does eryone else feel the same that this is not something they'd accept?

I can't process it I know I'm not making sense I'm sorry. I'm basically confused as to why I'm even being normal with him but I can't tell if he's made me feel like I drove him to it because I didn't give him enough attention or sex (major part in the breakup for him)

OP posts:

Onthedunes · 11/01/2022 22:12

What were the problems that led you to want to mutually separate.

Are you sure he hasn't known this woman longer than he says ?

AdultingInTheCountryside · 11/01/2022 22:15

Can’t believe he’s blaming you for messaging another woman that’s terrible. It’s how own fault, you didn’t force him and he was t thinking of you when he was doing it

Onthedunes · 11/01/2022 22:15

Of course you are making sense.

You have every right to be angry, he was lying about the state of your marriage.

You didn't know there was a third person involved whist you were discusing the future of your relationship.

Original poster

CrazyDiamond30 · 11/01/2022 22:24

There were problems yes, we've gone through lots of ups and downs and tried to sort things and nothing really worked.

I feel low about it mainly because of our daughter and what my future holds, including financially etc but those are things that I guess will work out somehow.

In terms of him doing this, if I'd imagined this situation happening before this had all actually gone on, my initial thought would have said "sack him off, no way would I stand for that" but at the moment I actually feel so strange about it. Like one minute I'm angry, then I feel like I've drove him to it and I'm the reason the relationship has gone sideways, then when my mind is feeling a bit more stable from time to time I think "are you joking, there is no excuse for this".. I just can't make sense of it and I am so confused.

Maybe it's just because I'm so low at the moment and I can't process everything

OP posts:

Philly1234 · 11/01/2022 22:30

Yes, that was cheating. It was before you’d agreed to separate. I know it’s really difficult to process stuff right now but over time things will become clearer. You have every right to feel angry.

Onthedunes · 11/01/2022 22:35

So basically the relationship was turning to shit and you thought it was because you were not giving him enough sex.

Or could it have been turning to shit because he was an arsehole who you felt didn't deserved sex or you felt neglected and unloved so didn't feel like being intimate with him as you felt used.

Looks like he's been diverting his attention to other women instead of giving attention to you.

Anyway, this has happened so I would continue with the separation and tell him in no uncertain terms that there is no chance of a reconcilliation after what he has done with this ow. EVER

Get angry, you have every right
It is not your fault.

Onthedunes · 11/01/2022 22:39

Now go and hook up with an old school friend or date, you are now officially separated.

And then ask him if it's cheating.

I'm sure he'll love that.

Sunnytwobridges · 11/01/2022 22:40

I'd be upset as based on the timing he was communicating with her before you decided to split up. And yes that's why he's probably not as bothered, he already had his head "turned" before you split.

Original poster

CrazyDiamond30 · 11/01/2022 22:43

Thank you both for the clarification, I feel like I'm losing my mind. Like he kept saying "I didn't cheat" and my responses were "would you have accepted this from me?" "Would you tell our daughter that her partner hadn't cheated if they'd done this?" "What do you consider cheating??"

Even writing this whole post makes me feel so immature. Im just really vulnerable right now and not in a good place, so I think it's easy for him to manipulate me right now.

I do love him - we've been together for a long time with a child etc and have been through alot, but there have always been issues and we are definitely splitting up.

I keep going through stages of wanting to message her husband and telling people what he's done, just because I feel so angry, then he says to me a) you have no proof, b) tell them then - I'll explain that we have no sexual relationship or intimacy and that as a human I need to satisfy that.

Don't get me wrong..if someone else told me those comments id just say he's an absolute arsehole. But I do actually understand that his needs haven't been met - fine - but IMO, after trying to work on things that haven't been successful, break up with me and do your playtime with other women then.

OP posts:

Original poster

CrazyDiamond30 · 11/01/2022 22:44

To explain my feelings I'm just blank.. think I've hit a wall.

OP posts:

Original poster

CrazyDiamond30 · 11/01/2022 22:49

Or could it have been turning to shit because he was an arsehole who you felt didn't deserved sex or you felt neglected and unloved so didn't feel like being intimate with him as you felt used

can't even tell you how much this resonates @onthedunes I've said this to him before, that I need to feel secure and happy in our relationship to even want sex and he just basically puts it down to "you have no sex drive"

OP posts:

Onthedunes · 11/01/2022 22:50

How bad were the messages?

I would tell the ow's husband, your h is trying to bluff you as he's probably shitting himself.
He knows he's done wrong.

He is trying to blame you for the end of the marriage, turn himself into the victim and bamboozle you into thinking the marriage separation was all your idea.

He's an utter arsehole who wants it all his own way.
Don't fall for his crap, men do this all the time.

You sound honest, reasonable and fair.
He on the otherhand is a liar and a cheat.

The ow's husband has a right to know his wife is having an affair with your husband and should have the same choices and information that you do.

Onthedunes · 11/01/2022 22:55

@CrazyDiamond30

Or could it have been turning to shit because he was an arsehole who you felt didn't deserved sex or you felt neglected and unloved so didn't feel like being intimate with him as you felt used

can't even tell you how much this resonates *@onthedunes* I've said this to him before, that I need to feel secure and happy in our relationship to even want sex and he just basically puts it down to "you have no sex drive"

He's talking crap.

This happens to 98% of women on these boards when their partners need an excuse to play away.

Of course you don't want sex when you do not feel, loved, cherished, appreciated and safe.

It is a natural reaction to not want to be intimate with someone who is unkind and by the sounds of it he'd already begun to check out of the relationship and was blaming you.

How very nice of him.

Original poster

CrazyDiamond30 · 11/01/2022 22:56

Yeah I agree to be honest with telling him - IMO she's not only been doing it behind his back, but her kids as well. Just to put it out there, I have never been unfaithful to any degree, with anyone, and I think that makes it even more hurtful. But to think I'd be doing it and setting that example for my daughter is sickening.

I haven't seen the messages themselves, he deleted them all. I came across a weird screenshot of just messages he's sent to her, just 4 messages. Her replies and other messages were deleted.

Now...the first one said "I'd like to know more about this morning after situation" and I DIED. What else would you initially think?! So after 2 days of him lying he eventually said "it was a response to her messaging me about thinking about me 'in bed' the next morning after we went out (with friends) the other week". So he's completely openly asking her for sex talk, and that's IF it isn't actually what I initially thought it was.

Then there was one saying "were all going out on X date now if you're coming 😘"

Then another saying "let's meet up to make arrangements, I'm shit at texting"..what arrangements? This one he's continued saying he can't remember. I know he can but it's never going to come out.

I'm unsure whether he's started telling me that they were sexual messages to cover up the first message being something about pregnancy ..it's just the only thing that jumps to mind. But to be fair how he's messaged that, is how he would message normally.

I don't know, I couldn't be naive enough to be sure that nothing else went on, or that nothing physical was going on/has happened.

OP posts:

UltraVividLament · 11/01/2022 22:58

I wouldn't waste any mental energy on this women and her husband/family.

Your husband did cheat, you have a right to be angry and I would view this as another reason why it was the right decision to separate from him. That includes his cheating, the lying about it, trying to hide it and trying to blame you for it. All unacceptable behaviour from him.

It's totally understandable to feel blindsided by this and to feel emotionally drained, and then the flip to feeling very angry. Can you get any space away from him for a bit?

Onthedunes · 11/01/2022 22:58

Now stop being so kind yourself.

You are not going crazy, he is altering your reality to suit his agenda.
You are not at fault.

Find your anger and do not let him gaslight you any further, you will become ill if you listen to anymore of his bullshit.

for you

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