Is it cheating...?

[CrazyDiamond30]

Been with my husband 8.5 years and we've recently decided to split up. We have a house, 2 dogs and a beautiful daughter who is our world.

There have been lots of issues throughout the relationship and I do feel it's the right thing to do..but I'm hurting.

Alot of other things are going on at the same time and I'm struggling with processing the smallest of thoughts/completing tasks, so I can't understand how i feel about the below:

I found out my husband has been messaging another woman, an old school friend, who he met on a night out a few months ago. It's been hidden, messages in between have been deleted.

I haven't seen anything very explicit but confronted him when I saw a screenshot of some of the messages. He invited her on a night out with friends and asked to 'make arrangements' on another ...not sure... And another said something I don't want to go into

He said the messages were sexual and did go "too far" but that there has been nothing physical. He said he did it because he gets no love or attention from me and not enough sex.

Previously, this would be a fully crossed line for me. It's giving another woman his sexual attention. But because I'm struggling so much right now and not coping with the ordeal of separating (along with other issues) I'm going through a wave of emotions all the time.

I know it doesn't really 'matter' now, but I just want to clarify it to myself and move on from it, because when I do feel a certain way I either feel very angry or hurt and have very low self esteem.

Does anyone else feel this is cheating, or crossing the line?

His excuse is rubbish - if his “needs haven’t been met” he should have had an adult conversation with you about it.
People don’t automatically have affairs when their partner is unable to have sex due to illness or injury so it is clearly a conscious choice rather than an undeniable need

Yeah to be honest @ultravividlament that would usually be my initial thought/way of thinking. I think it's just because I feel so all over the place with it now, I don't know how to feel or where to direct it when I feel anything!

Unfortunately not - he could actually stay with his parents but he won't. At the moment we've said we want to remain normal around our daughter, it's all about her. Before I found out this, we said we would stay friends etc and then I sometimes think...sooooo you've completely got away with all of this?

I will say @coldiron we have had conversations like this in the past - but I've said to him that his sexual needs are not going to be met if I'm in a relationship where I feel under-supported/appreciated and basically unloved. The thing with him is, he can be so loving and attentive and caring - then it can switch off like a light switch and he is either angry or has low mood etc. A way to explain how I feel being with him overall is like he's on a rollercoaster of emotions and I'm on the backseat with him. After having our daughter, I actively stepped back from riding waves with him because it was doing me no favours and wasn't improving anything anyway (I've tried alot to support his mental health/anger issues and nothing has worked) and so I just have no idea where I stand with him all of the time. One minute he's a wonderful person and the next an arsehole

So he's a moody git, who likes dishing out the silent treatment.

He's unsurportive, neglectful, selfish and likes to get his own way and if you complain he becomes angry?

He's either doing this with the ow to make you pull your socks up by becoming jealous or he's really had his head turned.

He sounds ego driven.

Maybe you have seen the messages before anything happened, it depends how long ago they were. Not nice for you to see but I can tell you what he wants now, he wants you weeping and wailing for him, doing the pick me dance.

He doesn't sound pleasant or reasonable, if I were you I would say well you obviously had been planning this relationship so I might aswell innitiate divorce.

Adultery naming your old school friend as the ow.

@CrazyDiamond30

I will say *@coldiron* we have had conversations like this in the past - but I've said to him that his sexual needs are not going to be met if I'm in a relationship where I feel under-supported/appreciated and basically unloved. The thing with him is, he can be so loving and attentive and caring - then it can switch off like a light switch and he is either angry or has low mood etc. A way to explain how I feel being with him overall is like he's on a rollercoaster of emotions and I'm on the backseat with him. After having our daughter, I actively stepped back from riding waves with him because it was doing me no favours and wasn't improving anything anyway (I've tried alot to support his mental health/anger issues and nothing has worked) and so I just have no idea where I stand with him all of the time. One minute he's a wonderful person and the next an arsehole

He's abusive.

I would consider it to be cheating but it's probably not the most important thing at the moment.

Just wanted to pick up on a few things you said

Alot of other things are going on at the same time and I'm struggling with processing the smallest of thoughts/completing tasks

The whole separation is something I'm really struggling with right now due to too many things happening at once and I'm having a bit of a breakdown,

It sounds to me like your "window of tolerance" has got very narrow and dysregulated. Have a read of this and see if it resonates with you. I had a time like this after a very long period of stress followed by lots of extremely stressful things and it was incredibly hard to function! It helped me a little bit to know what was actually going on in my body!

www.goodtherapy.org/blog/psychpedia/window-of-tolerance

@Onthedunes almost sounds like you know him haha

@user1481840227 yes I agree it's probably not the most important thing.

I've just struggled with it because I've had nobody to talk to about it and I'm actually in shock that I'm being normal with him.

I've read that thank you, it definitely did resonate.

I've been upset all day and it's exhausting 🙄 especially when I need to put my baby girl first and deal with life and work etc.

Oh he couldn't possibly blame himself for being a cheating shit who's been trying to stick his dick into another woman. That would make him the guilty party.

So he has decided to blame you and make it your fault for not providing him with enough sex.

What a prince.

I would consider it cheating 100 percent.

You were entirely reasonable to say you wanted the emotional connection between you before having sex.

And him messaging the other woman was not your fault.

I am not surprised you are all over the place at the moment. Give yourself time, with a bit of distance from him you can remember what you want from a relationship, be confident about what a healthy relationship looks like - the tagged thread at the top of Relationships "listen up" is a good read. Let him go, find your feet in your own time, so that you can start a new relationship in a good frame of mind when the time is right.

@user1481840227 yes I agree it's probably not the most important thing.

Just to clarify OP. What I meant by it's not the most important thing was that you (and you mental health) are the most important thing at the moment

Do you have anyone in real life for support?

Thank you all for the support.

@user1481840227 no sorry I wasn't being funny with you, I agree it's not the most important thing. My daughter and getting back up on my feet is what is important right now.

It just makes me think about the whole relationship where there have been doubts and small signs... It's probably not the first time.

@user1481840227 at the moment I've only told my mum that we've separated, but I haven't mentioned the messaging thing. It annoys me because it's basically letting him get away with it. The reason being because my mum will still have involvement with him through our daughter when he picks her up from my mum etc and I just don't want any issues for my daughter. So I guess for this part I'm trapped with it. Even though it's protecting him backhandedly 🙄