New to dating.. he's 5 years younger, worried!

[Namechanged1001]

Hi all. For context Ive recently (4months) split from my husband of 10 years, together for 16. I'm 34. Have 3 kids. Thought I'd try fb dating and have met a lovely guy who seems to tick all the boxes. Apart from being 29! We've met and got on great. Really connected and he says the same. He knows about my children and says it doesn't faze him. I've told him about my abusive ex. Doesn't faze him. I've warned him my kids come first and that he will always come second. And it doesn't faze him! In fact nothing seems to. He says we can take it slow, doesn't want his own kids (would be a deal breaker for me)

So why am I so worried!! It this normal to be anxious about dating in general and the other person or am I just too new to a this! or am I seeing things that are bound to happen?

Help please!

at what point did u tell him about your abusive ex..

If you've previously been married, it doesn't sound like you are "new to dating." I'm the same age as you, but went on one date when I was 19.

I met dh when I was 41 and he was 31. I have dc. He wasn't fazed. We have been married 6 years and have a dc..
It can be the real deal op!!

The age difference isn’t really an issue, but only 4 months out of a long relationship it all sounds like a bit much tbh. Try and chill a bit, enjoy it for what it is, and don’t get too heavy too soon. Telling a new guy about your abusive ex is almost inviting the next guy to push your boundaries and discussing whether he wants babies at this stage doesn’t mean anything. There’s no rush for men to have kids, so he probably hasn’t even considered it yet. But ten years down the line things may look very different for him.

Have you considered spending some time single rather than rushing into dating so quickly? I know the feeling. I started dating shortly after leaving my XH but it meant that I got very invested very quickly and ended up with someone unsuitable. This time I’m taking at least a year before I start dating so that I can build my own life without a man in it first. Maybe consider doing the same?

How many times have you met him OP? I would try not to rush things if I were you, especially if you are very recently out of a long relationship

Do the freedom program.

Abusers often target women who have been in previous abusive relationships.

Take things slowly.
Do not introduce him to your children yet, or anytime soon.

If he seems perfect, it's too good to be true. Everyone has faults. You need to know him, and his faults, before you can decide whether or not to introduce him to your children. Don't be blinded by lust or love.

5 yrs is nothing ?

OP you are weeks out of a long and abusive relationship. You're so vulnerable right now, possibly far more than you feel / realise.
You need some time for you to rebuild yourself. Hey I'm not going to judge you for wanting some fun and hopefully some brilliant sex, but you are feeling like this because it's far far too soon to be contemplating another relationship.

I think most people who haven't had children themselves don't fully appreciate what it means when a partner with children says "they [the children] always come first". I'm speaking as someone who's recently had a child so have spent most of my adult life as a child free person.

The fact he has responded that he "isn't fazed" to me says he hasn't a clue how this would affect his developing relationship with you. Always being a second fiddle isn't fun when it starts playing out in real life. Everyone can be enthusiastic to begin with, let's see what happens in reality when your weekends are ruined by various childcare commitments. Or simply being catapulted into a family life so soon.

Also, he's young and in 5/10 years' time he might want his own child/children which could be a game changer in your relationship...

I think I’d be more cautious about starting a relationship with somebody without children who doesn’t want them. Most people who don’t want children… don’t want children. It’s one thing for him to be “not fazed” by the idea of you having some, but quite another to face the reality of, if things go well, then being an inevitable part of his life. And at 29 he won’t have many friends with children / children bolder than babies and may have some rosy idea that it’ll be just like being “fun uncle” having a laugh and pushing them on the swings occasionally.

Quite apart from that, you’ve only been out of a bad relationship for a few months and you’ve met this new man what, once, twice? Are you sure you’re not just a bit blinded by somebody who seems nicer than your abusive ex and moving ahead too quickly?

It’s also, and I really don’t mean this to sound unkind and burst your bubble, very possible that you come across as far more vulnerable than you think you do (sharing about your abusive relationship with a stranger you don’t know and have met once is not good, and you need to work on those boundaries) and he sees you as some easy sex because you’ll be so desperate for a bit of attention and some kindness.

My DP is 5 years younger, we met online.
I'd come out of a 14yr relationship/marriage that involved abuse. Luckily I didn't have kids with the arsehole.

I started dating too soon. As others have said, I too ended up with unsuitable people in crap relationships. Then I met my DP due to me forgetting to set the age limit on my dating profile. I didn't notice immediately but felt very weird about it once I did know as I usually date men older than me, so there was 10yrs age difference between him and my usual partners.
He's aware of the domestic abuse I went through but I haven't discussed it much with him. He's in no way an abuser or taking advantage of me - not all men are like this but I've encountered those that are.
He also stated categorically that he did not want children. Neither did I so seemed great. 5yrs down the line (I'm 37, he's 32) we have our second kid on the way. Neither of us would have planned for kids, they were accidents.

I remember being anxious when I met him and for a while after. The age gap freaked me out and made me feel like a paedo - he looked a lot younger than his age when I met him. Took me a while to realise that he's much more mature than the older blokes I'd been dating before. I was wary that he wouldn't want to settle down, but once he was sure of his feelings the relationship started moving quite quickly.

Yh yh they all say the right things at first.. you are screaming 'vulnerable'.. pls keep ur wits about you and dont play easy

We’re 34 and 29, five years is nothing.

However it probably isn’t wise to be dating four months after a breakup, especially if it wasn’t a healthy relationship.

I'd just see how it goes, having dated a younger man that didn't want kids in my experience it means he doesn't want long term commitment and to settle down.

If it helps any, I'm around your age and my partner (together 5 years) is 7 years younger than me. 5 years, esp when you're not young (by which I mean early-mid 20s) doesn't have that much of an impact I don't think.

Saying that, you're in a different stage of life (you with children, him not) so worth considering the differences in circumstances there. That's nothing to do with age, but a parent dating a 'non-parent' (if that's even what it could be classified as...?!) is going to face the challenge of someone who lives a different type of life as opposed to someone that's already a parent.

5 years isn't really an age gap, 10 or 15 years maybe but 5 is nothing. But dating after 4 mos of a relationship ending seems more of an issue. I would need more time than that to get myself together, but i guess every one is different.

When I say I've told him about my abusive ex, all he knows is that currently I have a restraining order against him. Nothing else. I didnt date before my husband really, I was a teenager.

I think you are all right in that it's too soon for me to date. I wasn't looking for a relationship, more of a few casual dates, bit of a pick me up I suppose, to know that I'm still wanted despite the kids and what my ex said.
I'd have been happy with a friends with benefits arrangement tbh, but he wants more. I think having to think about that

Sorry posted too soon!

Having to think about a relationship has made me overthink things maybe?

Pissed off neighbour 22 I'm worried about the paedo thing too!! Worried what his friends will think and mine and if we would have anything in common. I can't imagine hanging round 20 somethings with no responsibilities and having something in common!

1. You are not yet ready to be dating or,

2. You may be picking up the vibe that tells you to run because it is too good to be true, especially after such a short time together.

Look, if you have alarm bells ringing so loud around you, listen to them. This is either not the right time or the right person, you don’t need to carry on with this.

And be careful, after putting up with abuse at home it may take you a while to learn to identify prospective abusers especially as they are good at love bombarding.

Put dating on hold for the time being, find about the Freedom Program and be back to date when the time is better and you are better prepared to keep your gear safe.

Your heart not your gear 😁

I wouldn’t worry about the age gap and I wouldn’t worry you’ve only been split for four months. You don’t HAVE to be with this guy for the rest of your life, you can still have a fling/shag/fwb/relationship and just see where it goes if your happy with where it is going, if not just stop.
The only thing I would say is don’t introduce him to the kids for a very long time.
Have fun.

The age gap isn't the biggest issue here.

Like many others, I started 'dating' immediately after the end of a LTR. It was emotionally rewarding, confidence building & fun. I also fell into commitment too easily, highs & lows. I don't regret it, BUT, I didn't have children at the time AND my previous relationship wasn't abusive.

Often people who have been in an abusive relationship, think the new partner is amazing, when actually they're just less bad than the previous one. You need to be careful.

It would concern me that he doesn't want children, but is unfazed by yours. To me, that says that either he doesn't see them impacting your relationship and has no idea what it means, in reality, when you say they come first.

5 years is nothing, but you do need to tread carefully - but have fun!!