Moving Children Away When Divorced

[RamonaLark]

My XH and I moved back to our hometown aged 22 (together since age 15), this was never agreed to be permanent. We are now 32, separated for two years (divorce complete) and with 2 DC aged 9 and 8.

I have a very difficult relationship with my mum who has significant mental health issues and was abusive throughout my childhood and adulthood, she still lives in the hometown. I have moved from FOG to no contact (since September) and have lived in anxiety over it and her unpredictable behaviour my whole life. I am waiting for the inevitable terrible behaviour once she realises this is permanent no contact. The separation between my parents and harassment she has continued for 25 years towards my dad is incredible.

XH have talked about moving away since relocating here due to the issue of my mum, he agreed several times but ultimately I always put his happiness, and then the children as they got older, first.

The issues with my mum have gone beyond unpleasant to unbearable and will likely affect the children too. I requested to move 3.5 hours away which he agreed to but has now gone back on.

I don’t know what to do. It’s terrible with my mum and I never want the children to go through what I did. I also wouldn’t want to remove the children from their wonderful father. We have had an amicable divorce and he parents then 40% of the time.

He doesn’t want to leave his school friends or his family, and thinks we should manage her with the police so he can stay. I live each day in fear. In addition, my best friend (who is my family) lives over 5 hours away and the new location he agreed to would put us equidistant between the people we love. This location is also the closest city where he could afford a house. A city is required for my work.

He rents a flat and works remotely for a company in another country. I would have to sell my house and get a new job, so moving is a far more admin heavy experience for me.

Please help. Am I being unreasonable? Is he? What are the alternatives?

Sorry that my post is long and jumbled. I’m all over the place.

So you're asking your eco to move 3 hours from the location he has lived in for the last 10 years?

Ex not eco!

Yes. Although I’d be happy with any location at least an hour away.

We moved to the hometown originally planning to move away again. He agreed to this current move and was planning schools/ houses/ timing.

He is aware of the issues with my family as we were together since children. I would never have agreed to move here temporarily without his promise it wasn’t permanent.

I do realise how it sounds 😅

I have no specific attachment to the location we chose. I also have many friends here and will lose more financially. Just to demonstrate this is not on a whim.

I think you need to consider everyone in this.

Your dc. Do they want to move away from their friends and father?

Does tour ex do want to move away so far?

Because they are just as important.

Maybe go 30/45 mins rather than hours away. You don't have to see your mother, but they will still be fairly near their dad and friends

Thing is, you may have had plans when you originally moved there, but you didn't. I do think you sound a little bit unreasonable for acting like he should be held to that, it was ten years ago and there's a lot of water under the bridge now. I think you might be better tacking this as a fresh problem without holding onto plans that were made in the youth of your old relationship.

Why don't you switch so he is the primary parent. You move away and have the DC EOW and most of the school holidays?

I think your ex is right, you need to go NC with your Mum and contact the police if she gives you problems. Moving DCs away from thier home is not to be taken lightly. Does your ex have family in the home town? If so you really should consider thier relationship with your children too.

You should move, your mum sounds awful. Is he able to stop you? If not his options are come with you as agreed or you both figure out a way to make the distance work.

He last agreed to the move over the last month. Previous to that, it was just before we separated, so end of 2019. Things with my mum have progressed since then and impacted our DC. Hence why he agreed it was best for our family.

The children feel frightened of her and would like to move. She lives a stones throw from their school and they no longer feel safe going into the town.

I felt the same as your opinions and that I was being selfish. After speaking to a couple of friends I’m starting to wonder whether it is him that is being selfish? It was not a healthy relationship where his needs were always met first.

I’m not sure which way is up having come out of a controlling relationship — do I continue to appease him and stay in an awful situation or do I finally get to choose something for myself and ensure my children are safe from emotional harm?

Thank you for being an objective view.

I would never leave the children.

He sees his family (30 mins away) about once every couple of months.

He sees his school friends once per week, this is the sticking point. I’m not sure it’s a strong enough reason to stay. I have wonderful friends I’d have to come back and visit as well.

My mum has a personality disorder and bipolar. She was also an alcoholic but drinks less these days.

Oh OP, what a shit human being your mum is, I am sorry your DCs have to put up with that from her. Have you tried getting in contact with the police?

I have recently relocated our DCs to be closer to family and somewhere we could afford to buy our own home. Even though it has been a positive move it's not been 100% plain sailing. They have started to make friends again now but they are not quite as close to anyone as thier old friends yet, but they do now have thier cousins. Also having a support network for yourself shouldn't be taken for granted.

What I am trying to say is don't move until you have exhausted other options.

He could get a prohibitive steps order that could well prevent you from moving 3 hours away. He would be very unlikely to be successful if it were an hour a way.

I suggest you just tell him you are moving because it is very clearly in the DC best interests. See if he actually bothers to do anything to prevent it.

The objective should always be what's best for the kids and by the sounds of it, a move further away from your mother is what the DC want and what would be best for them.

Your ex refusing to try and make this work for them is the one not putting his DC's best interest first. I get the whole 'not moving them away from their dad part' but there doesn't seem to be any reason preventing him from moving also so that the kids can still have regular time with him, while protecting them from your mom. And if you live in daily aniety/fear of her, which he knows - kids aside if he was a decent person he'd want to make sure the mother of his children didn't have to live this way. He could easily travel an hour once per week to hang out with his friends. Easier for him to do than what he's asking of you and the children by refusing to move.

I do hope he comes around, if he doesn't you'd have to get permission from the court to move, which I believe can be done if you are able to demonstrate why the move would be best for the kids and what efforts would be made to still facilitate contact with their dad if he ultimately refused to move too.

Are you asking if you should move away from your mother? If she’s as bad as you say she is, isn’t she just as likely to do whatever she does now wherever you live? What does she do now?

Where do you and your ex work?

My parents are still together so it's not quite the same but we moved house 4 hours away (north to south) when I was 7 and it took me well over 5 years to be myself again.
Don't do that to your child if you can avoid it. Surely just involve police?

I do think you are being a bit unfair, your dh and am assuming your kids do have some attachment to where they are, but it does sound for you it's anywhere but hereI have no specific attachment to the location we chose.
In addition, my best friend (who is my family) lives over 5 hours away and the new location he agreed to would put us equidistant between the people we love. What would you do if your friend moved further away?

Thanks all, I really appreciate it. I moved aged 7 and my brother aged 9, we weren’t phased at all. Given our mother, it was probably the least of our worries 😂

I do believe it is in their best interests to move and they both would like to. All I have said in response is that the adults make those important decisions and it’s not for them to worry about. They obviously cannot understand the impact or gravity of a relocation.

I’m a lecturer at a local university (and, honestly, am stunted in my career here but the children came first) and he works remotely for a company abroad so can be anywhere.

My best friend would have been a bonus. I would move further from her if it benefitted the children, it is not my primary aim.

For my dad, moving 2 hours away was sufficient to end the intensity. Currently she drives past to check whether my car is here, etc. I am always on edge.

To answer what she’s doing, she’s not too bad at the moment but I know what is coming. She employs all of the typical narc behaviours (she’s actually EUPD but people tend to have read more about narc). She is incredibly intelligent and manipulative, genuinely managing to operate above the law. I am actually terrified of her. I’m no longer bothered about flying monkeys, etc., couldn’t care less about the smear campaign anymore.

They're 7 and 9. They don't know what moving entails. If you move, at least be honest that it's because you want it. How come you get to decide that you don't get to be without the children and you get to decide that it's ok to move to a random place where none of you know anyone? Your ex has 40% custody, how come he doesn't get to decide stuff?

Miscommunication, I was saying that I moved aged 7. I also made the point that they do not know what moving entails.

I believe we should move as a family, with XH and his consent, or not at all. I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place.

I do feel very frightened and trapped. I imagine it is difficult to empathise with unless you have experienced similar. Feeling unsafe in your own home, living in high alert and constantly looking over your shoulder. I have thought of any way to end it at times.