Moving Children Away When Divorced

[RamonaLark]

My XH and I moved back to our hometown aged 22 (together since age 15), this was never agreed to be permanent. We are now 32, separated for two years (divorce complete) and with 2 DC aged 9 and 8.

I have a very difficult relationship with my mum who has significant mental health issues and was abusive throughout my childhood and adulthood, she still lives in the hometown. I have moved from FOG to no contact (since September) and have lived in anxiety over it and her unpredictable behaviour my whole life. I am waiting for the inevitable terrible behaviour once she realises this is permanent no contact. The separation between my parents and harassment she has continued for 25 years towards my dad is incredible.

XH have talked about moving away since relocating here due to the issue of my mum, he agreed several times but ultimately I always put his happiness, and then the children as they got older, first.

The issues with my mum have gone beyond unpleasant to unbearable and will likely affect the children too. I requested to move 3.5 hours away which he agreed to but has now gone back on.

I don’t know what to do. It’s terrible with my mum and I never want the children to go through what I did. I also wouldn’t want to remove the children from their wonderful father. We have had an amicable divorce and he parents then 40% of the time.

He doesn’t want to leave his school friends or his family, and thinks we should manage her with the police so he can stay. I live each day in fear. In addition, my best friend (who is my family) lives over 5 hours away and the new location he agreed to would put us equidistant between the people we love. This location is also the closest city where he could afford a house. A city is required for my work.

He rents a flat and works remotely for a company in another country. I would have to sell my house and get a new job, so moving is a far more admin heavy experience for me.

Please help. Am I being unreasonable? Is he? What are the alternatives?

I think your ExH is being selfish, he hardly sees his family, but is willing to put you and your children at risk because he cant/won't leave his friends. I would move, he works remotely, so can be anywhere. Ask him who is more important his friends or his children.

I think you’re being very unreasonable to ask a man who you’re no longer in a relationship with to move three hours away from his hometown because that’s where you want to live. I understand the problems with your mum but could you really not consider somewhere closer?!

Have I understood correctly that the only draw to the new place specifically is being closer (though not close) to your best friend? I don't think that's a good enough reason to move so far away. Talk to your ex, find out how far he'd be willing to move from his friends (say, an hour) and how far apart you agree it'd be reasonable to live (say, half an hour). That gives you a radius of a 90 minute/whatever drive to find somewhere that suits your whole family.

I would try to go to meditation to move -try offering your ex more of the holidays -or agreeing to move an hour away or so -without her knowing your address and keeping off SM you can hide your address and then treat her as you would any other stalker -do it before YEar 7 though.

I know a PP said it took 5 years for them to feel settled.

My son moved in year 1 -settled immediately and a year on -this is home and will always be. My daugher was in year 9 but they had just had a lockdown in Year 8 and literally she move start of year 9 -after a year in school -she'll have done longer in this secondary school by the summer then in her old one -again she settled fast. Extra curriculum activities are a must to gain new friends etc. My concern would be with him having them 50% of the time -they won't get that.

I moved 4 hours away -Ex had EOW and 50% of holidays -he fought it and lost -but I was moving towards my home town, better school and better job and ex was behaving as an idiot at the time ranting and raving and the court didn't like it -so they told me to go.

I think you’re unreasonable to expect your ex to move. You’re not in a relationship, he’s settled where he is near friends and family. I can understand you don’t want to be in the same town as her but why not move 1/2 hour away so it’s still reasonably easy to maintain contact arrangements? You won’t be bumping in to her anymore. If she’s prepared to go to the lengths of tracking you down I doubt it will make a difference whether you’re 1/2 hour or 2 hours away

I really appreciate the variety of perspectives, thank you.

He and I chose the 3 hour away location together because of housing and job opportunities. I’m not attached to a location but would love to move at least an hour away. The best friend thing was a bonus, not a driver.

It was exceptionally difficult to have it all agreed and feel the full bodied experience of relief at not living under my mum, then that be retracted.

Hopefully we can negotiate again, with or without mediation. Location will be challenging — jobs and housing mean going a decent distance make sense. He cannot afford to buy anywhere around here and the children are sharing a room with him in a 2 bed flat.

I feel I’d still be taking the children from him to move 30 minutes away from him. He’d have 2 hours worth of school run if he wanted to care for them for a full weekday.

Hopefully, we can come to an agreement together.

Sorry, poorly worded — sharing a room at his, not with him.

He cannot afford to buy anywhere around here and the children are sharing a room with him in a 2 bed flat. Sorry, poorly worded — sharing a room at his, not with him. not just 'poorly worded' completely different?
Are dc different sex? Were you main earner then if you can afford a room each? Or is he paying cm if its 60/40?

Sorry if that reads really mean!! Really don't mean it to!

Sharing a room when with him, wasn’t until I read it back that I realised I’d missed a word.

They are opposite sex. We earn near enough the same, me slightly less. He pays some CM, not a huge amount. We both got the same amount out of the marriage. It’s complicated but the 60/40 started under a year ago, before that it was 70/30. I had them 100% for the first lockdown.

I kept the family home with my money, he had enough for a deposit. We chatted it over the other day. His outgoings are less than mine but unfortunately he hasn’t saved anything. The housing market has moved and he can no longer afford a place with the money from the marriage. I think he just wanted to enjoy himself for a couple of years which I do understand but it is a shame.

@MichelleScarn

Sorry if that reads really mean!! Really don't mean it to!

Don’t worry! Text doesn’t convey tone — I appreciate that I sound like a heartless bastard to many here.

It’s impossible to share a full picture or show who you are with short posts. Still helpful to have a variety of independent and objective opinions, and I appreciate everyone’s time.