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Original poster

I've cheated but I'm basically a solo parent

40 replies

firsttimemum0720 · 11/01/2022 15:14

Hi all please don’t judge me I need some advice. I have a 1 year old and have been with his dad since I was a teenager. However we live separately he has his own place and I’ve been living alone with the baby. We are each living in very small temporary accommodation each can only accommodate 1 person (just about) and we are waiting for a bigger home from the council. The last two years since my pregnancy my partner had been experiencing serious financial issues and lost his job due to Covid. This affected his mental health just as the baby was born and recently I’ve come to learn that he wasn’t fully ready for our baby so he had been avoiding moving in with me. He has always assured me he will move in but wanted to establish himself in a new stable job first. But it has taken so long and up until now he’s been unable to adequately provide financially. As a result I pay for most things including the nursery fees. I love him but things have been so tough on me, I also work full time and come home to still look after the baby so I’m flatout exhausted by the end of everyday. I’m basically solo parenting and the main financial provider. I have stayed with him out of hope he will sort his situation out and be able to move in but now I feel myself doubting whether to stay with him. I don’t want my poor baby to have a broken home and suffer the emotional consequences like I did with my single mother. I may add we have add other issues of cheating in the past on his part which we have moved past but I still can't forget. Fast forward to now, I met a guy a few months ago who approached me and said I was beautiful. He gave me his number an we’ve been speaking ever since. I agreed to meet him and recently he’s visited me a few times. On a recent occasion things was very flirty and we had sex. I feel awful but at the same time it made me feel wanted and that I’m attractive for first time since I’ve had my baby. My sons dad has been refusing to have sex for months which also didn’t help. I don’t know what to do about my relationship now. My sons dad has started to send me money and says he really wants to do more and be a better dad. Help me.

OP posts:
miltonj · 11/01/2022 15:21

I wouldn't feel too guilty about this. I know it's hard but he's refusing to commit to your family and he's leaving you to do everything. I would end your current relationship - I wouldn't even tell him about the cheating, it will just add unnecessary drama and hurt which isn't needed in any of your lives. I would just say it's not working and you're not happy but you want to co parent with him. The new man is a red herring, either Have a relationship with him or don't, but it's not why your current relationship has broken down. You deserve to be happy and stable and you can have those things.

LIZS · 11/01/2022 15:22

Your baby is already in a dysfunctional relationship. Better to call it quits now than go in half heartedly and try to break up later. Whether your new relationship works out or not it seems you and baby's dad are not committed to making it work together.

1Micem0use · 11/01/2022 15:25

What do you mean by emotional consequences of being raised by a single parent? If it was hostility between separated parents you could always do your best to keep things civil and not repeat that cycle. I wouldn't stay in a loveless relationship out of fear of being a single mother, not when you already might as well be one.

FreedomFaith · 11/01/2022 15:38

Your current relationship isn't working or right if you're shagging other people.

Split up with him, but do not start a relationship with the other guy. It likely won't work out and you need to focus on getting your life sorted. Your child is more important than sex.

user1471517095 · 11/01/2022 15:53

You really need to end your relationship before you start a new one.

jeaux90 · 11/01/2022 16:20

The emotional consequences are when people fail to co-parent amicably.

I suggest you focus on that. Split with him but do it amicably. That way he can have a relationship with his son, you will also get some free time to have a bit of your own life.

The best advice I can give you (as an actual lone parent) is to try and be as financially and emotionally independent as possible. In fact, that's the advice I'd give any woman.
That way you won't make compromises where you accept a crap relationship because you don't need to.

Original poster
firsttimemum0720 · 11/01/2022 16:29

@miltonj

I wouldn't feel too guilty about this. I know it's hard but he's refusing to commit to your family and he's leaving you to do everything. I would end your current relationship - I wouldn't even tell him about the cheating, it will just add unnecessary drama and hurt which isn't needed in any of your lives. I would just say it's not working and you're not happy but you want to co parent with him. The new man is a red herring, either Have a relationship with him or don't, but it's not why your current relationship has broken down. You deserve to be happy and stable and you can have those things.
If I leave my partner how do I cope with being on my own completely and even dating in the future? I'm so lost right now
OP posts:
Original poster
firsttimemum0720 · 11/01/2022 16:33

@jeaux90

The emotional consequences are when people fail to co-parent amicably.

I suggest you focus on that. Split with him but do it amicably. That way he can have a relationship with his son, you will also get some free time to have a bit of your own life.

The best advice I can give you (as an actual lone parent) is to try and be as financially and emotionally independent as possible. In fact, that's the advice I'd give any woman.
That way you won't make compromises where you accept a crap relationship because you don't need to.

Thank you. What is your advice for me on how to deal with the disappointment of wanting more children especially closer to age? I fear that now being single it will obviously be a while before I meet some one new who would want a family and settle down with me.
OP posts:
Original poster
firsttimemum0720 · 11/01/2022 16:35

@FreedomFaith

Your current relationship isn't working or right if you're shagging other people.

Split up with him, but do not start a relationship with the other guy. It likely won't work out and you need to focus on getting your life sorted. Your child is more important than sex.

Thank you. I don't intend on starting a relationship with the other guy. He hasn't got an amicable relationship with his ex and doesn't see his kids. He says he isn't ready for anything serious which hurts as I really like him.
OP posts:
Original poster
firsttimemum0720 · 11/01/2022 16:39

@LIZS

Your baby is already in a dysfunctional relationship. Better to call it quits now than go in half heartedly and try to break up later. Whether your new relationship works out or not it seems you and baby's dad are not committed to making it work together.
My baby's dad seems committed but his financial situation is so severe he is on a lot of debt that I don't see it possible for him to provide the way he should which in turn will be his excuse for not moving in with me and supporting fully
OP posts:
BitcherOfBlakiven · 11/01/2022 16:41

You already are completely on your own.

Break up with.
Call CMS and put a claim in.

LIZS · 11/01/2022 16:51

You are making excuses for him. Presumably you are not so old that time is running out. Keep his debts his problem and claim via cms. Prioritise the child you have.

Original poster
firsttimemum0720 · 11/01/2022 16:55

@BitcherOfBlakiven

You already are completely on your own.

Break up with.
Call CMS and put a claim in.

Will I be certain to receive enough money through CMS? I always thought the UK system was not as robust as the US
OP posts:
Jacketpotato84 · 11/01/2022 16:56

Go and get what you want

BitcherOfBlakiven · 11/01/2022 16:57

No it isn’t as robust, and how much you get depends on how much he earns.

Original poster
firsttimemum0720 · 11/01/2022 16:58

@Jacketpotato84

Go and get what you want
Are you referring to staying with him or leaving him?
OP posts:
Staryflight445 · 11/01/2022 17:22

‘ My sons dad has started to send me money and says he really wants to do more and be a better dad. Help me.’

Regardless of who you’re sleeping with or your relationship status with your child’s dad, he should be doing this anyway.
You need to separate that for your daughters sake.

Staryflight445 · 11/01/2022 17:23

‘ He hasn't got an amicable relationship with his ex and doesn't see his kids’

Please don’t run from one waste of space to another. 🚩

Rno3gfr · 11/01/2022 17:25

It sounds as if your relationship has sort of ended anyway. Even if you spilt up with baby’s dad, he still owes his end of the bargain to you financially and the baby needs a relationship with him. Move on with the new guy and seek child maintenance payments.

Rno3gfr · 11/01/2022 17:27

Just seen your updates. Scratch that, be single for now and give yourself a chance to meet someone worthy of you.

miltonj · 11/01/2022 17:41

@firsttimemum0720 you're basically doing it on your own anyway! Which means you can do it. You're stronger and more capable than you are giving yourself credit for.

And when you are ready to date, I'm sure you'll be able to find someone compatible. Lots of blended/patchwork families out there in perfectly happy homes/relationships. But don't make that your sole focus for now. you don't need a man, you just think you do because you've been in a relationship for so long. You and your little one are a great team and can have a wonderful life ahead of you.

Mamamamasaurus · 11/01/2022 17:51

@Staryflight445

‘ He hasn't got an amicable relationship with his ex and doesn't see his kids’

Please don’t run from one waste of space to another. 🚩

This. It sounds like a shitshow all round. If he wanted to, he'd move heaven and earth to see his kids.

CMS can't guarantee you'll get anything but they'll do what they can. And stop thinking that he's doing you a favour - he's financially responsible for his child too.

I can't understand why you'd even have a child with that one so I'd recommend some solid contraception so you're not in the same position in 18 months time with another bloke

Closetbeanmuncher · 11/01/2022 18:19

I don’t want my poor baby to have a broken home and suffer the emotional consequences like I did with my single mother

Shocking as it is to some people plenty of us are able to parent successfully without emotionally damaging our offspring 😬.

You're on your own anyway, whether you can parent successfully in those circumstances is entirely down to you.

TrishM80 · 11/01/2022 19:37

You can't be that exhausted OP if you're hooking up with another bloke for sex!

Joined4this · 11/01/2022 19:40

You are vulnerable, at a low point and someone flattered you and made you feel feminine. It was a mistake that you can’t change. Worrying isn’t going to make it better