I've cheated but I'm basically a solo parent

[firsttimemum0720]

Hi all please don’t judge me I need some advice. I have a 1 year old and have been with his dad since I was a teenager. However we live separately he has his own place and I’ve been living alone with the baby. We are each living in very small temporary accommodation each can only accommodate 1 person (just about) and we are waiting for a bigger home from the council. The last two years since my pregnancy my partner had been experiencing serious financial issues and lost his job due to Covid. This affected his mental health just as the baby was born and recently I’ve come to learn that he wasn’t fully ready for our baby so he had been avoiding moving in with me. He has always assured me he will move in but wanted to establish himself in a new stable job first. But it has taken so long and up until now he’s been unable to adequately provide financially. As a result I pay for most things including the nursery fees. I love him but things have been so tough on me, I also work full time and come home to still look after the baby so I’m flatout exhausted by the end of everyday. I’m basically solo parenting and the main financial provider. I have stayed with him out of hope he will sort his situation out and be able to move in but now I feel myself doubting whether to stay with him. I don’t want my poor baby to have a broken home and suffer the emotional consequences like I did with my single mother. I may add we have add other issues of cheating in the past on his part which we have moved past but I still can't forget. Fast forward to now, I met a guy a few months ago who approached me and said I was beautiful. He gave me his number an we’ve been speaking ever since. I agreed to meet him and recently he’s visited me a few times. On a recent occasion things was very flirty and we had sex. I feel awful but at the same time it made me feel wanted and that I’m attractive for first time since I’ve had my baby. My sons dad has been refusing to have sex for months which also didn’t help. I don’t know what to do about my relationship now. My sons dad has started to send me money and says he really wants to do more and be a better dad. Help me.

@TrishM80

You can't be that exhausted OP if you're hooking up with another bloke for sex!

Are you offering advice or are you just a troll

You don't need either of these men.

So you live separately, he doesn't support you financially, doesn't help with his own child and you don't have sex? You are not a couple and it's not a relationship.

Your baby father sounds like he has a double life tbh. And could possibly be cheating himself? You sure he's not married or anything? Anyway if you're already a single parent so your better off splitting up with him, put him on child support and move on with your life. Find a new partner and choose more wisely this time. Someone who'd make an amazing stepdad to your child.

You had an exit affair. Now you need to exit your relationship.

Thank you. I don't intend on starting a relationship with the other guy. He hasn't got an amicable relationship with his ex and doesn't see his kids. He says he isn't ready for anything serious which hurts as I really like him.

A guy who doesn't see his kids isn't someone you should like. He is scum.

He is using you for sex, and even telling you so. Stop being stupid and stop falling for it and hoping he will change his mind. He won't, and before long, you'll be pregnant again.

Make better decisions. Dump the current father, be a single mum on your own. No boyfriends etc. Safe sex only if you are wanting it. Definitely not with men who already have children they don't look after. They aren't fathers.

You're cheating with someone who sounds worse than your babys father.

You said you're hurt he doesn't want a relationship because you really like him.....but yet he doesn't see his kids? why on earth would you want a relationship with someone like that anyway? and if he did want a relationship why on earth would you want one with someone who doesn't see his kids?

[quote miltonj]@firsttimemum0720 you're basically doing it on your own anyway! Which means you can do it. You're stronger and more capable than you are giving yourself credit for.

And when you are ready to date, I'm sure you'll be able to find someone compatible. Lots of blended/patchwork families out there in perfectly happy homes/relationships. But don't make that your sole focus for now. you don't need a man, you just think you do because you've been in a relationship for so long. You and your little one are a great team and can have a wonderful life ahead of you. [/quote]
Thank you I do agree with this

@Pinkrose1111

Your baby father sounds like he has a double life tbh. And could possibly be cheating himself? You sure he's not married or anything? Anyway if you're already a single parent so your better off splitting up with him, put him on child support and move on with your life. Find a new partner and choose more wisely this time. Someone who'd make an amazing stepdad to your child.

I do suspect but I'll never know, I don't think finding a good man especially a 'step-father' is going to be easy

Your mad for putting up with that for so long, I would have left ages ago.

I would stay financially independent if I was you, but defiantly see where things go with the new guy and dump the other one as really, his not even on the scene is he, so it’s not cheating.

Life’s too short and you don’t owe him anything

Your current relationship hasn’t worked out, so end it asap. Seek to agree sensible arrangements for your DC.

Your DC hasn’t known a ‘nuclear, traditional’ family anyway. Their father can be a good parent without being in a relationship with you.

End contact with the other man. Don’t even talk to fathers who don’t see their DC - jeez!

Finding a good man isn't hard trust me. There's many out there. You just gotta heal yourself and work on yourself first. As someone said DW about that now anyway. Just focus on yourself and your child and rebuilding your life. Level up invest in yourself physically, in your health, mental health i.e therapy etc. And when you're ready start dating, ONLY entertain for someone who's a good man of good character and values and who'll make an amazing stepdad. People blend families and become step parents everyday. Its a little bit harder but it can definitely be done.

I don’t want my poor baby to have a broken home and suffer the emotional consequences like I did with my single mother.
Good!
Your baby never had a 'mended' home so cannot have a 'broken' one.
You are providing a home emotionally, financially, solo - your baby does not live in a broken home, they live with their mum, who loves them & is capable of providing for them.
You are not your mother, & you have learned what not to do as a single parent. You & your baby will be just fine.

My sons dad has started to send me money and says he really wants to do more and be a better dad.
Your ex can continue to contribute financially & become a better dad.
He doesn't need to be in a relationship with you to make that happen.
Stop holding yourself hostage like this.
Millions of women raise their kids solo. There is nothing wrong with it. You have nothing to compensate for, & you do not have to sacrifice yourself to a man in order to expect a decent level of parenting from him.

You got together with ex very young.
He wasn't ready for a baby - you were, & you have stepped up to the plate.
He doesn't want to have sex with you, & has serially cheated.
This man IS YOUR EX! - You have no need to hang on out of misplaced "hope" that you can be some kind of idealised family image with him.

You have outgrown your ex. You have proved to yourself that you can hold down a job, mother your child, & have a life without him.
I say embrace it, & move on.
How he steps up (or doesn't) as a dad & provider is up to him - it is not your responsibility to provide handholding while he catches up (or doesn't).
Move on with your life, & your ex can be a co-parent.

Congratulations on your strength & maturity

If I leave my partner how do I cope with being on my own completely

You already are coping!
You just don't believe it yet, because you are enmeshed in a fantasy of 'hope' about a dead relationship.

Break up with him properly, explain you want him to co-parent & share in DC's life, & then ... simply continue doing exactly what you have been doing for an entire year, all on your own.
See?
You've done his without help or financial support for the first, difficult year of a newborn's life. That is an accomplishment you should feel proud of. Nothing will change about your abilities to continue doing so, just because you tell ex it is over.

I do suspect but I'll never know, I don't think finding a good man especially a 'step-father' is going to be easy

Raise your standards. If you can't find a good, steady, kind, hard-working, honest man, don't settle. Because you've settled dreadfully for your baby's father. Just to avoid being a single mum. Single mums are great. I know so many brilliant people raised by a single mum.

Just enjoy your child for now, and don't think about dating for a while. Let yourself heal.