Feeling so low and need some perspective

[Needtomoveon21]

Name change for this one

I posted on here just over a month ago about a guy I had been seeing from tinder, since late October. We both had a difficult year last year, I got out of a 3 year relationship in august after having 3 miscarriages, he divorced from his partner of 7 years (married for 2) after separating last March due to her cheating with the best man.

I know it’s a lot of trauma for us both and in hindsight I wish I had avoided, but basically things had been great until about a month ago he said he wasn’t sure if he was ready and tried to end things with me, however 24 hours later he begged for a second chance and I was stupid enough to let him. Basically the same thing has happened again but now it’s a lot more painful as we went further into things. He even asked to go official on Christmas Day and we had such a lovely romantic Christmas and new year together with him saying he has strong feelings for me and talking about the future (just stuff like holidays and where we see ourselves in a few months time, nothing too far ahead). And he’s basically done the same thing again now saying he needs proper time and space, saying I am a great girl but I deserve better. I don’t understand how he can go from having feelings for me to just saying I am a great girl :(. Its all happened so quickly too, this was literally less than a week ago he was saying these things about feelings and the future. I know it hasn’t been very long but I just felt this great connection with him and other than this everything was great and we had so much in common.

I know I need to go NC now and get back on with dating but I just feel so low I’m struggling to face it. Can anyone shed any perspective on what might be going through his mind and also some advice for me to help me move on? Thanks

It was far too early for both of you. You both need a long time alone before dating.

Sounds like he doesn't even know what's going through his mind himself. Ending it, then going official then ending it again within a couple of months is not something you can try to explain rationally; he's a flaky mess.
August to October was too fast, now you know and can give yourself a longer respite period this time round.

Be kind to yourself lovely . You've both had a bad time of it and both need to heal in different ways and need different things and that's okay.

Whatever is going through his mind, it really isn't fair on you. I know it must be very painful, but please do not go back with him if he changes his mind again. This is just too much.

The thing is although I did go through a very traumatic time (I literally had my 3rd miscarriage whilst going through the break up) in my case feelings had faded with my relationship which I can now see with hindsight but at the time I was trapped in the bubble of wanting a baby, although I would never wished my miscarriages to happen I’m now glad I’ve not had children with him. In new guys case he found out suddenly about the affair, although both equally traumatic I can separate the trauma of the miscarriages from my relationship breakdown and I’m totally over my ex in that way.

I’m just struggling to make sense of how we can have such a great connection (more than what I’ve felt for anyone in a long time, and prior to my ex from ltr I was single for 4 years and dated a lot) and him saying stuff about future plans and his feelings for me to suddenly not feeling ready again. Can anyone shed some light on this who has maybe had similar experience?

For perspective I’m 29 he’s 30 no children on either side. When I met him I was actually having a great time online dating but I really can’t face it again currently, even though part of me thinks it would be a good distraction to help me move on. I did get plenty of interest and attention before but I feel like I’ll just end up comparing everyone to him because it’s him that I want currently.

As much as you are trying to justify the decision to go into a new relationship in such a quick time, it's really not washing. The grief and sadness of lost love and parenthood is going to be hugely significant whether you want to admit it or not. The answers to the current situation will be wrapped up in this emotional web. Fear of abandonment, fear of rejection, fear of hopelessness. All of these feelings will have resurfaced because of the hot and cold messages that your ex boyfriend has given you. He is possibly equally as guilty of rushing ahead before being ready. It's a toxic blend of out of control feelings

He has now messaged saying “I don’t want to say too much and make you think I’m definitely coming back when I don’t know what’s going to happen” in response to me saying that he can’t go from having feelings for me to telling me I am a great girl. That has really annoyed me to be honest, and I know I need to cut contact but it’s hard. I just want to know what’s going on in his head to have some sort of closure on it, but I’m not sure I’ll get that.

I think you have to recognise, as you have to some extent, that although you were both in a bad place last year, it was for very different reasons and you were at different points along the path.

You ended your marriage, you had time to process that your feelings for your H had gone, and although the miscarriages were awful you are seeing that it does mean you have no ties to your ex. Whereas he was blindsided by his wife's affair. He didn't know it was happening, so he had no time to prepare, and maybe until he found out he thought he had a happy marriage. So he is only now going through the process of adjustment and feelings of loss that you've already been through. So his head is going to be all over the place, and will be for some time. And that does mean that he will have a great time and think how wonderful you are one minute, and then he will think about what's happened to him and it will knock him for six.

This is the first relationship for both of you since your marriages ended, and you are both on the rebound. But because you are at a different stage to him, your responses are also different. He is not yet ready to commit, whereas you feel that this is a good thing you want to hold on to. Don't make him the focus of your new life to this extent. he's not the only fish in the sea, and it would be a mistake to try to make him 'the one' because of some things you see in him. You need to see who he is and where he's at right now, and maybe although you could have been good together if you'd met at a different point in your lives this is just not the right time to allow that to be possible.

It’s hard at the moment because I feel like no one else is going to match up to him :( I know that he needs time at the very least and whether we will end up together I don’t know but I don’t want to put my hopes on that. I just wish I could understand what’s going on in his mind x

I don’t want to say too much and make you think I’m definitely coming back when I don’t know what’s going to happen
Perhaps he doesn't know if the other woman he's seeing is going to stay or not? Certainly sounds like it. And if not, these vague hints that he might just select you after all are infuriatingly patronising.
Whatever he's up to, this is really unpleasant, stringing you along. Not nice behaviour at all.

Re the psychology, maybe read this. www.healthline.com/health/relationships/breadcrumbing#whats-the-point

sorry to hear you’re going through that

Tbh, it sounds to be like he quite enjoys having you on a string. Some people really get off on the push/pull dynamic.

He’s actually behaving like a massive bellend. But rather than be turned off by this, you’re lining for him because you’re trauma bonded to him.

Don’t go back on dating sites. Take some proper time - at least six months - to fully heal from everything that’s happened to you in the past year. Otherwise it will keep affecting any new relationship you try to establish.

It won't make sense it never does. You both need time to heal from your past hurt.

My ex left me 4 years ago for ow. I went straight into dating I was lonely and wanted validation that it wasn't me that was the problem.

There is too much emphasis on being in a relationship. That you are worthy and part of society. So we tick on long with something that is going ok because that makes us feel wanted. And desired

I made the mistakes early on. Needing to be wanted and desired by someone. And it was a disaster

I gave myself time and have been dating last year. First I was still more needy than was attractive. But now I'm more relaxed about it. Not worrying about long term how it is going to work out. Just enjoying the now.

Trauma needs time to heal. And addressing not just covered up and move into the next thing. It doesn't go away.

I genuinely don’t think there’s another woman, until this happened we were seeing a fair bit of each other (sleeping over about 2 times a week) and messaging all day most days barring when at work etc as both work full-time.

But I do know his ex wife has tried to get in his head a bit recently. They have had to communicate about practical matters to do with the divorce up until that came through early December which is when this happened the first time, and then last week she emailed him to say she had completed the paperwork to sign over the house but started telling him things like that she hasn’t been well recently and isn’t sure if she wants kids with the new man she left him for (they are still together) which I think just got in his head as they were trying for a baby before they split. He says he would never be able to go back to her because of what she did and was very adamant about that but I think there are still feelings attached to the trauma of it all. Up until then he hadn’t had any contact with her since the divorce came through. He did also say to me this time around that he doesn’t want to keep doing this to me and he previously said anyway he would step away if it happened again but I really didn’t think it would because after the first time we talked things through and we seemed to get a bit stronger after that, think I just need a hand hold :(

Can anyone offer any further advice because I feel like I just need closure on the situation, I feel so low and it’s making me feel unwell. All I want to know is if it was anything else other than him not being ready and also how it can go from being so good one minute to suddenly this. We have exchanged messages intermittently about the situation over the past few days but not since Tuesday and these questions haven’t been answered yet. I’m just really struggling and I think I’m finding it harder in the morning for some reason x

My advice would be to politely send a message saying "Wish you all the best in future but I think it's best if we stop contacting each other any more", then block him so that you are not tempted to read or answer any more messages.

What do you want to hear? That you are horrible? Stop doing that to yourself. If you were horrible he wouldn't have dated you. He's not sure about you, for whatever reason, so he is not the one for you.
If you are feeling unwell, please speak to your GP and see if you can get any counselling/medication. Look for advice on mindfulness, try the "Calm" app and other resources below. You've been through a lot and could clearly do with a bit of help, despite thinking you're over it. Contacting and thinking about this man is the opposite of helpful.

www.mind.org.uk/information-support/tips-for-everyday-living/online-mental-health/online-mental-health-tools/

If you are able to, I'd also recommend doing some sort of tiring physical activity before you go to bed.

He isn't going to give you a solid answer. There isn't one. It just wasn't working isnt the right time. This is nothing about you.

Just stop contacting him. Keep yourself busy. Seek counselling if you feel you can't move on.

Control the things you can. Stop trying to control The things you can't.

Aww I'm so sorry and feel for you. My boyfriend that I'm with now didn't quite tell me the whole truth about his ex when we got together. We got close and then I started to click on it wasn't quite right in regards to her. They kept in touch. He was always mentioning her and it photos etc in his house all sort of pointed towards his grief.

When we had been talking for 4 months he added some woman to his Facebook and started liking all her photos. It ofcourse made me worry. So I asked about her. He deleted her and panicked saying it was me and me only. But 2 days later I was still not happy with this so I asked if we could talk. This led to him getting quite upset and breaking things off with me. For the last 3 weeks of march right until July 20th we were mostly not talking. He would get back in touch a couple of times for a few days or a couple of weeks but it was with 6 weeks in between etc. Eventually in July he asked for a talk. So I allowed him to talk. He explained that he was scared of getting close to me. I am the first woman in the 3 years since her that he's developed feelings for. So he shot off to hide. But he realised his feelings were very much still there and he knew we had a Bond. He finally asked me out and we've been together ever since.

The truth is though. He hasn't processed her enough still. He is leaning further towards being bitter towards her now. But he still finds reasons to pop her into conversations. I know too much about her and I still don't quite know if I'll ever feel he's completely done with her and focused on us.

I'm sending you a hug. Because I know all too well what it's like to give over your love to someone and them to be blowing hot and cold. X

Have a break from dating and just concentrate on doing things for you. Spend time with friends / family and get involved in work or hobbies.

Your guy is likely

Untangling his past
Still going through grief.
Still not over his ex and the hurt.
Scared of getting hurt again.
Confused about his feelings.

My boyfriend was constantly off and on off and on off and on. One thing he's stayed consistent with is that he still loved me. But he just couldn't work out if he wanted another relationship.

I don't know exactly what my boyfriend did during the time we didn't speak. But what was comforting was that he came to me. He came back. He asked to talk. He explained.

I can't explain how important it is that you wish him well. Then go quiet.

I used to write My feelings down I an email and then save them. Just so I could remember things but also so I could let go of little things on my chest weighing heavy. I knew I couldn't talk to him and throw my stress at him.

I know its bluddy hard but even offer him friendship and say if you ever need a talk I'm here. I hope you find your happiness.

When I said things like that. My boyfriend was very much like.... I don't want anyone else. I don't want to look for anyone. I just want to be happy. Deep down he was stuck. He didn't want to be alone. He he was just scared.

But he also did my head in alot and the break was so so so confusing and painful for me. I was thinking how the hell have we gone from sending gifts. Talking everyday. Saying we loved one another. To nothing. But I had to get on with my own life when he did it.no contact. No angry messages. Talk to friends.. write it down. But do not rant at him. He needs to sort his head out. Its not you. You did nothing. He knows that. But he doesn't know how to unpack his feelings.

Imagine he has a big rucksack on full of problems. He needs to unpack the bag and sort through it. That bag contains his pain from his ex and his mate. Trust issues. Allsorts. But until he gets over that part he can't love you properly.

@Cherryfizzzz he’s definitely bitter towards her main because he’s told me he hates her for what she did. Which I know isn’t a good emotion to have but me being silly ignored this as a red flag. He’s also not closed the door to us reconciling either because he’s said things like “if we are meant to be together fate will do it’s thing”, which I don’t know if it makes it easier or harder.

Also a minor issue at the moment is that I left my coat there by accident when this all happened at the weekend and we live a 40 minute drive away therefore he’s having to send it back to me by post (it was a £60 coat which is new so I’m genuinely bothered about getting it back), due to work he isn’t able to post it until today or Saturday so I’ve had to keep lines of communication open for that as I’ve offered to pay half the postage so he’s said he will let me know how much it comes to etc. problem is I messaged him about that and then slipped up and messaged him “how you feeling about things now?” To which he came online but hasn’t responded so he will have seen it :(.

Our main communication method is messenger, therefore I put his messages in the “ignore” category and also deleted the messenger app as I tend to message friends and things on other platforms, and I trust myself not to message him on anything else, I just needed to stop obsessing over seeing him coming online and ignoring me but also didn’t want to completely block him either. I’ll re-download it temporarily on Saturday as he said he would message me when he posts my coat :(

I don’t understand how he can go from having feelings for me to just saying I am a great girl

Closure will come when you realise that you'll never understand. People just do weird shit. People hurt people. It's not a puzzle for you to find the solution to. There could be 100 different reasons within him, all competing and confusing him. Or maybe he was lying. Or maybe he met someone else.

It doesn't matter; all you need to know is that he's treated you like crap, and you need to focus on moving forward with your own life, and look after yourself in every way you can. This isn't about him anymore. It's just about you now, and your relationship with yourself.

if we are meant to be together fate will do it’s thing
What bollocks. It makes me really annoyed to see you clinging on to this hair-thin, half-arsed strand of hope he's dangling for you.
Wait a week and see if the coat arrives. He doesn't need to message you. It's sounding more and more like nasty mind games. If it isn't deliberate then he's a thoughtless fool, at the very best.