Am i flogging a dead Horse?

[Shotinthedark2022]

Hoping for some advice from you lovely mumsnetters,as i can't seem to make sense of my relationship with boyfriend.
We have been together 3 years.Long distance relationship,which i have never been comfortable with,as everything has to be planned,and i don't like driving.(not a confident driver)He does all the travelling.Anyway,we initially got on well,lot of things and past experiences in common etc.Both in our late 50s.No kids at home.
We talked about our future together,we got engaged,made plans for living together(sell both houses and buy one together)In the meantime he came to mine every weekend,and sometimes i would go and stay at his.
Then one day after a argument,he stated that he wasn't interested in living together now.He liked living on his own,but wanted to stay engaged and continue the relationship as it was.He knows i struggle financially and with my health,and suffer from anxiety,and i feel that he gets fed up because i am not as active as him.(he says he is not bothered,but when i complain about pain or that i have medical appointments etc,he just switches off) I have noticed that he never leaves his phone unattended,and keeps it locked.9i would have no idea how to get into it anyway.
I have had conversations with him that i feel our relationship is going nowhere,and that i him changing his mind about our living together,getting married etc has caused resentment.I have even said maybe it would be best if we go our seperate ways.He then gets upset and says he wants to carry on as we are.I just feel i am banging my head against a brick wall.I am starting to resent him and feel i am starting checking out emothionally .He has also lied to me on several occasions,so there is a trust issue.He says if we split up,then he wouldn't have another relationship,so i don't think he is seeing anyone els,but i sometimes wonder if he is looking on dating sites.Another thing that bothers me,is he does watch porn,which for me is a real turn off(he doesn't watch it whilst with me) I have also lost the desire to have sex with him...oh dear this doesn't read very well does it.Any views or advice would be appreciated.

As hard as the decision may be to make, I do strongly suspect that you might be happier on your own.

What does this relationship give you? Is there any part of it that makes you happy?

Trust doesn’t seem to be there. Physical intimacy is lacking if you no longer want to have sex. Emotional intimacy is complete absent if he is completely unwilling to support you/ listen to your medical issues. And he’s back-pedalled on two pretty significant commitments.

Tbh, friends would be more present for you than he seems to be.

Yes I agree with @SophieKat1982 - it sounds like it’s become a habit to stay together but you’d both be better off cutting the cord. Sorry op, I get that it wouldn’t be easy to finish it but ultimately it might be better to.

My honest answer to your question is, yes I think you are. Sorry. Ask yourself if this is in anyway meeting even the basic criteria of what you would want from a relationship.

I mean is there any point of anything where there is no trust?

It's working for him, so why would he change anything. Is it working for you?

Sorry but imagine you were reading somebody else’s post? You’d think that person was flogging a dead horse! He’s happy with things - he has his porn and no deep commitment. If you want more you’re wasting your time here!

Sounds like you are friends with benefits rather than in a relationship. Only now he’s being unkind, so not much of a friend, and you are no longer interested in sex, so no benefits. Pretty much dead in the water

There's a lot there about what he wants. What do you want and can you get it from this relationship?

Thank you so much for your replies.The goal posts have certainly changed since early days.In all fairness to him,he does help me with things i can't manage around my house and garden,and pays for meals etc when we go out.But the emotional support is what i crave,feeling that he is there for me.The distance thing has always been a big problem for me.(200 miles) If we were closer to each other,we would be able to pop round anytime instead of it being planned.I just feel and have told him,that i am a part-time girlfriend.
When we first met,i really felt we had a connection.I wasn't even really looking for a relationship at that time after just coming out of a long term relationship with someone who had left me for someone else after my health deteriorated.I suppose he has the best of both worlds,somewhere to go at weekends,then back to his batchelor life in the week.I do feel he cares,but just not enough.

I am also concerned that he keeps his phone with him at all times,apart from when he has a shower.He locks the keypad,so i can't look at it.
He also tells me that i am so negative all the time,and that i should be happy.

I've got a relationship a bit like yours. I live 150 miles away from my bf although he says his door is always open and I spend half the week with him. I suppose the difference is that we both like it like this, and aren't in any hurry to get engaged or live together. No porn involved, which were both happy about, and we're both supportive of each other. Isn't what you've got enough, OP? If it's not, you're putting an awful lot of work in, for no good reason.

And we both know each other's phone logins.

Hi Dillydollydingdong.Thank you for your reply.I think if we hadn't talked,and made plans for our future(living together,engaged,etc) I would be happy with the relationship.It's the fact that he renaded on them that i have lost faith.Therefore questioning our future together.The phone thing is getting to me.I can't help thinking he has something to hide...pleased your relationship works well for you.

I have even said maybe it would be best if we go our seperate ways. He then gets upset and says he wants to carry on as we are

So you want to split up with this man (wise choice) but because he disagrees, you are still with him?

Why are you kowtowing to him?
It's not a negotiation.
If you want to end it - end it! You do not need his permission.

he lives miles away, has dicked you about, dangled an "engagement" to keep you on the hook, but doesn't want to ever progress beyond an unsatisfactory (to you) LTR.

What's the point of him? Ditch the pornhound!

I sense once he was into you, but the honeymoon period is over. He gets just enough to keep on coming over for a while, whether that’s a stopover while travelling, sex, a mere change of scenery, but he will never commit to the long haul now.

Sorry, but it’s game over with this one.

He also tells me that i am so negative all the time,and that i should be happy.

In other words he wants you to shut up, accept everything his way and what's more be happy about it!

This really isn't the relationship for you. I dated someone who lived 200 miles away, I tried for 18 months, its just too far away for spontaneous nights out and random visits. I finished it and never dated anyone further than 20 miles away after that. You need someone who is closer, wants the same things as you and perhaps not as outgoing and wanting to do so much stuff so you can chill a bit.

Sorry to say this, but he's clearly not interested in moving to a relationship level that's as intimate, mutually supportive and committed as the one you want.

The fundamental problem is that you want the relationship to progress to a deeper/higher level and he has told you he is happy with it right where it is.

If he doesn't change his position but you stick around hoping that he will change his mind, he will get what he wants by default, while you will become increasingly unhappy.

If you end the relationship, you will lose the level of support from him that you do have, but you may end up meeting someone who actually wants the same thing you do.

To be honest, it seems like you are not actually committed to him as an individual as you have is a number of issues/concerns about his behaviour and character, but you want the security of a relationship, maybe due to fear around whether you can cope on your own with your illness.

I would spend some time honestly evaluating that possibility, and thinking about how you could increase your independence and self-reliance rather than trying to force a relationship with someone who clearly isn't that into it.

Thank you for your thoughts,and advice.When you are in a relationship it's not always easy to gat a pespective on it.
CheekyHobson,You are right in that i am concerned that i would loose his support with things that i find difficult,and may therefore have to make difficult choices regarding my future.However,he was fully engaged in our relationship to start.Making future plans etc.Even now he talks of things and places we will see and do,and tells me he is 100% commited to our relationship.I really am at a loss on this one.I did,and i suppose still do have feelings for him.I do have trust issues though.I don't like the fact that he keeps his phone on him at all times,and on silent and locked.I just have this gut feeling that there is something else going on.However i don't want to just throw away this relationship and then regret it.We still do have good times.Tis distance thing is such a problem.

I sympathise this is a difficult situation. After 3 years and plans to live together it's a hard thing to let go.

I think the phone situation is a red herring. Me and DH trust each other, but for both of us our phones are private. It's not because we have big secrets to hide but sometimes I like to have a whatsapp moan with girl friends in the evenings and wouldn't want him seeing it! Apart from that there are lots of other reasons why I keep my phone locked eg. to protect from DCs and colleagues prying, or in case it's stolen.

You should go by your feelings. You are upset that he has changed the plans to live together, he doesn't give you the emotional support you need and you don't enjoy sex with him. These are reasons enough to end a relationship. Of course he may love you very much and want to continue but you have become incompatible. It's really sad but that's what has happened.

However,he was fully engaged in our relationship to start.Making future plans etc.Even now he talks of things and places we will see and do,and tells me he is 100% commited to our relationship.I really am at a loss on this one

"Future Faker"
www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/understanding-why-someone-fakes-a-future-with-you/

Chuck him. The porn watching alone is so gross and he has no respect for you or himself. I hate porn with a passion and if my dh watched it I would throw him in the gutter.

I don't think he is very serious about you and you would be better off on your own. Stay engaged for what? Forever??? Who does that? Let him go. You also are suspicious he is on the dating sites, I am that's just enough to let him go. And the lying as well.
I think it's time to let go and move on.
You look after yourself, op and stay safe

Hi Op.

Your gut is telling you not to trust him.
You are emotionally checking out.
You don't fancy sex with him anymore.

These are all part and parcel of the same thing. He is saying one thing, but his actions (and your gut) are telling you something else.

I think perhaps it's run its course.

If you wanted to have one last go (nothing to lose) you could ask him to see the messages and searches on his phone, without warning. If he shares it with you, then that might reassure you and you may want to reconsider (but that would still require some serious conversations about where the r'ship is going). If he refuses, then it tells you that you were right.

(And by the way, if he refuses to show you his phone but says it's just because 'you should trust me' and he's 'offended' that you even ask - I would argue that, faced with your r'ship ending, you'd be happy to share what's on your phone, if only to prove that you've been accused unfairly).

I just have this gut feeling that there is something else going on.

Listen to that gut instinct. Even if there isn't anything going on his behaviour is making you feel doubtful, whether it's intentional on his part or whether he is up to no good, you are going through all this angst just because of his behaviour.

However i don't want to just throw away this relationship and then regret it.

It is said we regret things we don't do rather than things we do do. You will probably find, if you do end it with him, that once your self esteem improves and you feel more secure in your thoughts, you'll regret that you didn't do it earlier.

We still do have good times.

It's always the way, the good times are there precisely to keep you where you are, the way you are feeling right now - doubtful, unsure and confused. Don't let him control all the narrative, take some control back, it's your life we're talking about, don't let him rule it

If you disregard all his pretty words, how does the relationship look?

After 3 years he knows whether he wants to move things on with you and all his actions say he doesn't.

Other men are available.